Gawker: Morons

The Faithful Departed Morons

Richard — Fri, 25 Apr 2008 13:26:00 EDT

This noble task, the killing of the sinful, is not as easy as one may suspect. It is with a heavy heart that I ply the tools of my trade: the axe, the noose, the adorable little "kill kill kill" button that you all have next to your names. Trust that I do not take such responsibility lightly. For instance, I thought about executing everyone who doesn't like Tina Fey. Yet then I realized that tolerance—even of the incredibly stupid—is a virtue. But I am virtuous only to a point. Therefore, the really incredibly stupid lie headless after the jump.

Executed: Kaemon
Crime: If you're going to be a moron, try to limit the typos. And don't be a moron.

Executed: SSteele
Crime: I'm sorry if you thought you were the authority on the relative attractiveness of celebrities. You aren't. Moron.

Executed: TooManyTomatoes
Crime: Knock knock. Who's There? Dead Moron. Dead Moron who? TooManyTomatoes!

Executed: Mike_Jahn
Crime: I thought of something to guarantee your future anonymity! No more commenting!

A short list today. Mayhaps the rule of law has returned? We shall see. As always, condemnations, bribes, and pleas for mercy may be sent to GawkerExecutioner@gmail.com. Don't email Denton, Pareene, Richard, Sheila, Hamilton, Nick Douglas, Ryan, that Carnevale guy, Spiegelman, NickGuidoDenton, Morrissey, LolCait or anyone else from the Court of Gawker. I'm not them, and they don't care.

Yankees Won't Suffer From Haunted Jersey, Will Still Suck

ian spiegelman — Sun, 13 Apr 2008 14:42:52 EDT

The moron Red Sox fan/construction worker who buried his team's jersey in the concrete foundation of the new Yankees stadium has had his silly mischief undone. "A pair of hardhats working at the new Yankee Stadium dropped a dime on the location of a buried Red Sox jersey. Beantown-loving construction worker Gino Castignoli, who lives in The Bronx, confessed to The Post last week that he buried a Red Sox slugger David Ortiz jersey at the site last summer while working at the stadium. After reading about the traitorous act in The Post, the two workers approached a construction manager and said they remembered Castignoli, who only worked at the Stadium one day, and thought they knew where he must have placed the shirt. They led the manager to a service corridor near the site of the planned Legends Club restaurant, behind home plate and toward the third base side."

"After the hardhats pointed to the spot, workers brought out jackhammers and dug furiously for five hours, creating a 2-foot- by-3-foot, gravel-filled pit in their search for the tainted threads. They spotted the jersey at 3:25 p.m. and called Yankee brass. The cursed shirt was about two feet deep in cement." [NYP]

And the Yankees are spoiled garbage, Boston's retarded, and the Mets rule. Now that that's settled...

Morons!

Nick Denton — Tue, 01 Apr 2008 14:57:01 EDT

I know there's a non-disparagement clause in our agreement but, then again, Conde Nast promised they'd leave the formula that had made Jezebel so refreshing. So they can hardly expect us to stay silent. Anna, Dodai: if those craven purse-promoters have really driven you out, though I can hardly believe they would be so moronic, there's always a home for you back at Gawker Media.

Glenn Beck Can't Stop Picturing Ted Kennedy Nude

Pareene — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 16:09:33 EST

In the attached clip, CNN shouting head Glenn Beck creeps out charming GOP strategist Amy Holmes (seriously, we love her!) while ostensibly discussing Ted Kennedy's endorsement of change-monger Barack Obama. His opening question: "You ever just pictured Ted Kennedy naked?" Sometimes, Beck explains, "that picture with him with his shirt off just kind of pops into your head." Sure, Glenn. Percocet withdrawal can be rough. [MediaMatters]