'Dukes' TV Star: Don't See the Movie [CNN.com]
Related: Cooter Don't Want Them Duke Boys to Act All Sexual-Like [Defamer]

While we're of the mind that nothing on that nothing on the internet is real anymore, the items requested are incredibly normal and unassuming (of course they'd want Baby Einstein DVDs); more importantly, someone has apparently purchased the $729.99 black Bugaboo Frog stroller and the white brass crib for $1,099.99. So, if this registry does not, in fact, belong to Heath and Michelle, then the anonymous new parents behind this list certainly have a sense of humor — show them your appreciation and buy them the Level 2 wide neck nipple, won't you?

Registry 81808, Michelle Williams and Heath Ledger [Buy Buy Baby (reg. req'd)]

You shaved your head for the film. How's that working for you?
It's totally fine. But I got pulled over at the tunnel the other night in New York. I've never had that happen to me before. It's supposedly random. They pulled me over at the Midtown Tunnel. My registration was expired because I had been out of town, and it was my first day back. I'd been in Israel and Berlin for the [movie] shooting. They wouldn't let me go in. But he said to take the bridge instead. And I didn't understand that logic. If you're a suspect, don't take the tunnel take the bridge?

Thank God for the Department of Homeland Security and their vigilant eye on the militant starlet waif terrorists. May we sacrifice every bridge to keep our tunnels safe from such a deadly threat.

The Last Word: Natalie Portman [Newsweek]

I have been a small-time director in Hollywood for the past four years, recently starting my own production company. Just opened a New York division, so I will be spending a great deal of time in NYC. I have never spent much time in the city and am looking for a little fun. Is it true what they say about New York women?

Yes, it most certainly is true: It will cost you an expensive dinner just for the opportunity to be mercilessly judged by our skeptical eyes. But we're more interested in this earnest young director's identity — and that sort of tender, bright-eyed optimism just screams "Brett Ratner!" (The picture helps, too.)

Hollywood Hunk Seeks Starlet [Yahoo! Personals]

Not content to merely do "enough," Tom performs a second couch-jump. This will continue for 2 hours.

Tom Cruise, King of the Sectional Sofa.

Desperate to control her bouncy guest, co-host Joy Behar straps cruise to the couch.

Obligatory crotch shot.

"Show us, Tom, what repression feels like."

Tom demonstrates how he spends his free time when not with Katie Holmes.

Portrait of a gangbang.

Ha ha ha! Oh, har har! Tee hee! Hahahahahaha! HA HA HAR HA!

Despite all his rage, he's still just a Cruise in a cage.

Tom assaults, audits Joy Behar.

Being an Operating Thetan feels good, doesn't it?

Oh, surprise! Katie Holmes is here! Jump the couch, Katie!

If this romance is a sham, then how come she's scratching his belly? See, this love is real.

"You shut your mouth, woman, or I'll hit you again."

The horrific consumation. Time to turn off the tv.

From a vigilant reader comes photographic evidence that the Cruise-Holmes Union of Destruction© is a genuine Hollywood conspiracy with roots reaching to even the most unlikely places. And, for further proof, even The New fucking Republic is in on it.

Cruise Control [TNR (reg. req'd)]

So, during momentous times like these, what can we take away from such an event? That's a matter of individual interpretation but, timely marriage or not, their impending baby will always be a bastard to us.

Ben & Jen Marry! [NEnq]
Bennifer II: The Marriaging [Defamer]

• A famous actor, who we're not going to name because he likes to sue people who accuse him of what in the next paragraph we'll accuse him of, and his recently obtained fianc e, with whom he is very, very, very much in love, have a five-year contract regarding this relationship, and she is to be paid $8 million for fulfilling her end of the contract.

• The deal was arranged and the engagement announced in a very short period of time because the wife of a certain, and rather adorable, pop singer found her husband in bed with the abovementioned unnamed actor, and said actor wanted to have this new news out as soon as possible so as to overshadow any new rumors about his sexuality.

We've received at least 6,298 forwards of this email in the last few days. We can't imagine it's true, for a lot of reasons including the unlikelihood that so many of your friends just back from L.A., or friends who work for Universal, or friends who work near the green room at Today, all tell exactly the same story.

If it turns out it is true, we'll let you know. Meantime, we'd like it if you could stop filling our inbox with this message, please. We're having a tough time keeping tabs on our cheap mortgage offers.

Thank you.

Tom Cruise for the Xbox [Banterist]

Oooh! Here's an idea: Why not buy up all of Marlon Brando's old crap? Seriously, who'd bother to frame a painting of sunflowers by some boring ol' artist when you could frame Kurtz's VHS copy of Less than Zero? What's the point of putting personal mementos on your mantle when you could build a shrine to Brando's bongos? Seriously, this is the answer to your decorative drollery! Philippe Starck is gonna be soooo jealous when he sees your place...

Dead Marlon's Stuff [Amy's Robot]
The Personal Property of Marlon Brando [Christie's]

At right, O'Donnell's layered scraps and usage of collage recalls the prominence of post-modernism in the 60s, perhaps an indication of Rosie's internalized desire to "look back" and rediscover her childhood? Self-discovery is the obvious thematic element, but the usage of largely black and white photographs in the collage once again recalls an attention to the past. The antiquated automobile drives away from the viewer, on an off-kilter road towards Tom Cruise. Here Rosie articulates the folly of her late 90s on-camera persona of Tom Cruise's #1 Fan, yet still offers to rescue the movie star. She speaks to Cruise: "Find yourself, Tom! Find yourself!"

On an aesthetic level, her usage of modernist collage recalls the work of Duchamp and even Picasso — but rather than reflect on the injustices of war, or the absurdity of modern communication, O'Donnell's gaze is focused on the current Tom and Katie drama. Visual poetry, indeed.

Auction at Christie's next month.

t3 [Rosie's Flickr via P666]

The first thing you notice about "Dianetics" is that it is spectacularly dull. L. Ron Hubbard promises, in this seemingly endless treatise, that his "modern science of mental health" will cure everything from schizophrenia to arthritis, claims for which he presents no credible evidence whatsoever — unless you consider merely insisting that you've got evidence to be the same thing as offering it. But I am here to testify that "Dianetics" is a phenomenal remedy for at least one widespread affliction: insomnia.

"Dianetics" belongs to a category of books that will be instantly familiar to anyone who's done time reading the slush pile of unsolicited manuscripts for a book publisher. This kind of book is typically an explanation of life, the universe and everything written by a choleric gentleman (often a retired military officer) who has holed up in a converted basement or former kid's bedroom to hammer out his ideas about how the world works — ideas that have for too long been disregarded by the incompetents and assholes around him. (If you are not familiar with this sort of book, know that you have the slush pile readers of America to thank for that.)

Oh, slush-pile readers, why couldn't you have stopped this one, too? Why? Why?

Stranger Than Fiction [Salon]

But one Scientologist who left the church in 2003 after 30 years — and who had reached the OT-VII level and become a member of the church's governing Sea Org — said it was his understanding that Cruise was very near completing, if he had not already completed, the OT-VII level. The former Scientologist would speak to Salon only on the condition of anonymity.

A current Scientologist who has reached the level OT-V, and who also spoke on the condition of anonymity, said that considering the amount of time Cruise has been in the church, an OT-VII status seems probable. And Stephen Kent, a professor of sociology at the University of Alberta who has published articles on Scientology and Hollywood, also said that Cruise's behavior strongly suggests OT-VII.

Really? We thought his behavior strongly suggested methylphenidate withdrawl.

Missionary Man [Salon via Defamer]

If we were photographer Steven Klein or from W mag, we'd be working very closely with our lawyers on some sort of visual plagiarism definition.

New Pics of Brangelina [JJB]
'W' Helps Brad & Angelina Jump the Shark of Love [Gawker]

Dave announced on the show last night that Judge Larry Block, of the New York State Supreme Court, was standing by in the green room, "and if need be, he would be happy to marry Tom Cruise tonight." (Of course, the only Judge Larry Block we can find is on the Federal Claims Court in Washington, but we'll give Dave the benefit of the doubt.)

But, though there was a judge, there was no Katie. And, hence, no wedding.

We've got a few more judge-and-Tom pics after the jump.

We were also disappointed to see that Tom remained (relatively) calmly seated in his chair for the duration of the interview.

There was no jumping on chairs, just a quick moment of shaking hands with the audience, caught as the show returned from commercial.

We were a little bored, frankly, without the Tom histrionics we've grown to rely on. Still, Judge Block managed to have a good time.

Earlier: TomKat on Letterman: The New Tiny Tim and Miss Vicki?