Gawker
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dirty words
How The NY Times Writes An Article About Big Dicks
The Times profiled the writers of HBO's latest foray into originally programming, Hung, today. It stars Thomas Jane as a gym teacher with a huge dick who becomes a gigolo. But how does the infamously stiff (heh) Times write it? More »
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By Foster KamerComment by Claire Buoyant: Seems the Times was being rather willy-nilly. 5 Responses | Other threads
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job applications
Who Can "Thrust Gawker Deep Into The New Era"?
The applications are flooding in to be the new honcho of this website! Today we received a submission from an old friend, one that we thought should be shared with the whole class.
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By ChoireComment by Seeräuber Jenny: @Mediahohoho: Try as it may, the gadfly usually doesn't swallow the ox. more » | Other threads
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penile classics
Of Cocks And Men
Our story thus far: Balk and Cock, a pair of itinerant internet laborers, wind up working at Old Man Denton's Gawker farm. Though comically oversized, Cock is simple-minded and unaware of his own strength; Balk looks after him and tries to keep him out of trouble. Unfortunately, Cock cannot help his impulses. First he fucks a mouse to death, then a puppy, and then one of the ad sales people. As a lynch mob lead by ad boss Batty closes in, Balk realizes that there's no way he can save his friend this time. More » -
see you next year
BalkerStalker: You still going to post comments on Gawker once you leave? More »
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By abalkComment by MisterHippity: Hah! There was a guy like that at my high school. Hung around in the library with his friends (who... more » | Other threads
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glittering prizes
Spurned MacArthur Genius Award Candidate Reflects
BALK BTW: Hey, what's up? More »
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By abalkComment by WholeLottaLenya: That MacArthur Foundation, such a cock tease! more » | Other threads
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yom kippur
My Bad, Darfur
Each year (or really, every 11 months and two weeks or so, kinda), the Jews observe Yom Kippur, the day of atonement, during which leather shoes and doing it are totally forbidden. Then there are many apologies. Let it begin with us! Herewith, Balk makes amends to some of the people he's hurt so horribly this year. More »
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By abalkComment by yourfriendandneighbor: Band Of Horses, "Everything All The Time." Best album of 2006. more » | Other threads
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golden showers, golden years
Old People Have Sex
Balk BTW: Okay, sorry about this, I don't want to bring you down or anything, but I have to ask. Whaddya think about that study that shows that the elderly are still getting it on? This one: More »
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By abalkComment by Curse_of_NursePornstein: If it isn't blindingly obvious, I would like to state for the record that I was, in fact, hitting the... more » | Other threads
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measuring up
10 Ways Women Judge Your Wang
We were directed to this classic piece from Men's Health that describes the ten ways women judge prospective suitors."So much subliminal information is conveyed in those first seconds of contact," says Carol Kauffman, Ph.D., a relationship therapist and psychology instructor at Harvard medical school. Okay, so you're on the clock. Make every second count.
Too true. But how does this advice relate to your lifehammer? We asked our resident sexual expert to see if this advice applied for the members of his tribe. Okay, so you're on the cock. Make every second count. More » -
from the desk of my cock
"The Ice Cream Cone, The Bob & Weave, Operation, The Swirl, The Hoover, The Plunger: Yes, these are all different types of blowjobs. Sweet Christ, people. Just suck. How complicated is it?" [Jesse on the Brink] -
dick lit
Man's Penis To Write Memoir About Inability To Not Orgasm
We just got word that My Cock is is shopping a book proposal, and that the proposed title of the proposed book is Here I Come Again. It's "a memoir by a phallus who has always had an orgasm." The project is a handbook-cum-memoir, and is said to detail Cock's incessant ability to ejaculate. There's some graphic material here (a chapter entitled "Hawaii Five-O" details a shocking five-orgasm afternoon spent in the restroom of New York restaurant Hawaiian Tropic Zone) as well as some embarrassing revelations ("30 Seconds To Mars: The Early Years"). We reached My Cock for comment. "Dude," he wrote, "I'm a cock. I come all the time! In fact, I'm coming right now! I didn't know there was anything remarkable about it until yesterday, but, hell, if that's what the market wants, that's what they're gonna get. We want to get this out quickly, for the holiday season. Of course, the title is provisional: If anyone has a better idea, let me know." More »
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By abalkComment by Seeräuber Jenny: @TheOldPooperoo: Isn't it [not so] pretty to think so? more » | Other threads
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writing your own ticket
A Night Out With Me, About Me, By Me
A Drunk Finally Gets A Chance To Whine More »
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By abalkComment by Curse_of_NursePornstein: @friend_of_a_friend: In my version of the Win A Date With Balk's Cock fantasy contest, I'm not the one doing the... more » | Other threads
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urban studies
How To Avoid Jury Duty
We don't know what it says about our job—actually, we know exactly what it says about our job: It blows—that we were excited for jury duty, but there you have it. Three days without work where we could get up at the relatively late hour of eight and sit around reading the newspaper without thinking, "Oh, I have to try to be funny about that"? Where do we sign up? (The DMV, apparently.) Anyway, it was with joy in our heart and a spring in our step that we hopped on the 6 train and headed down to City Hall. It took us about two seconds in the waiting room (after the comedy court clerk started his shtick, but before that horrible video with Ed Bradley, God rest his soul, began to play) that we remembered: Jury duty sucks. More » -
again with the jews
First They Came For Me And I Did Not Speak Out Because I Was Kind Of Hungover
You ever get the feeling you're being persecuted based solely on your personal creeds and beliefs? That a sinister cabal is against you because they don't like what you represent? Then you know how I feel today. Friends, I want to tell you something: The Jews are after me. That's right, using their powerful positions in the media, this master race is coming at me like an elite team of Israeli special forces. (Is it an actual simile if you compare the Jews to the Jews? Hmm!) Anyway, they have a problem with some of the larger truths I've been telling about their secretive ways and financial acumen. More » -
specialty meats
Italian Mocked For His Sweet Sausage
From the Post, this heartbreaking story of degradation and sexual harassment: James Bonomo, who sold paper for Mitsubishi International, slapped his former employer with a lawsuit after a night of karaoke gone awry. What happened? Seems that during a trip to Tokyo, Bonomo, his boss, "Tetsuya Furuichi, and a China-based Mitsubishi exec had dinner with a potential customer." As is often the case, penis portraiture ensued. More »
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By abalkComment by Mediahohoho: In Europe, salami comes from horses. I'm just saying. more » | Other threads
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why my cock loves 'c.s.i.'
"These shows have semen as their very special guest star. The sperm gets billing above the dead woman's body, which the sperm is sort of tossed out upon. In the transcripts for some of these shows, the discussion about the semen is actually longer than the discussion about the victim: how voluminous the man's semen is, where it is in the room. They use their goggles, turn off the light and there's just sperm everywhere." [Salon] -
different strokes
My Cock For Barack
Rhymes With Cory: So remember last week when you were all, "Oh no, Emily's going to be gone all week, we're never gonna have enough material?" More » -
sisterhood is powerful
Hawaiian Tropic Zone: Betty Friedan's Dreams Made Flesh
The Hawaiian Tropic Zone restaurant is apparently a safe place for women! Owner Dennis Riese tells the New Yorker that he likes the ladies, and in a good, gyno-positive Naomi Wolf way. More » -
bring it on
"You know, a penis is more than a phallic symbol made flesh. It's a warm, life-sized attachment that serves a number of utilitarian purposes, too, and over time develops its own wry personality and quirks, or so it can seem to its owner." Looks like Vanity Fair's James Wolcott is trying to get into the anthropomorphized penis business. Guess what, Wolcott? There's only one cock in these parts, and it's Mine. Back the fuck off before it cuts you a new peehole. [VF]
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By abalkComment by SarahHeartburn: I go out for a couple of hours and there's a story on James Wolcott's penis? Ewww. Queasymaking. more » | Other threads
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get stuffed
Acquisitive Toddler Doomed To Life Of Whoredom
Hats off to whatever prankster slipped this past the gatekeepers at Slate's advice column:Dear Prudie,
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By abalkComment by Mean_Ol_Liberal: Dear Overly Worried Father, No need to be so jealous already. I used to sleep with every one of my favorite... more » | Other threads
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tools of the trade
Our Expert Assesses Cosmo's 10 Hottest Sex Tips
The Post has a little fun at Cosmo's expense today, listing ten of the magazine's most common "boundary-pushing moves" and asking a collection of New York men how they feel about the sex tips. Not consulted? Our very own resident "sexpert" My Cock. We ran the list by him and got his reaction. More »
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By abalkComment by Trixie from Toronto: @AnalRetentive: I am late catching up to this post, read the string of hilarious comments, but almost passed out with... more » | Other threads
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all's well that ends well
'Details': Is It All Right To Make Her Take It Up The Butt?
Good question, Details! We asked our resident sexual etiquette expert. "Absolutely not," says My Cock. "Beg, wheedle, cajole, whatever you need to do. But a true gentleman never demands. Of course, that's not to say that you can't buy a certain pill and make her slightly more receptive. Nah, I'm kidding - it's flat-out wrong. As wrong as the image Details used for this story. Seriously, shouldn't that be a man butt? Anyway, if you are lucky enough to be granted the favor of anal congress, it's only polite to shove a dozen roses in that train tunnel once you're done." More »
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By abalkComment by NotThatClever: "backdoor entry is now so mainstream, some guys request it on the first date." I was out of town and missed... more » | Other threads
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from the desk of my cock
"Will Fred Thompson's hot-ass wife prove a liability or an asset on the campaign trail? As someone whose nads had yet to drop until well into the Reagan administration but who still gets the occasional rise out of Rosalynn Carter fantasies, I can only issue my whole-shafted endorsement. Chick has got it going on." [NYT] More »
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By abalkComment by hhpeterson13: You're right Steverino, it's Bobtime for Jeri! more » | Other threads
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from the desk of my cock
"So let's be honest: You know there's some couple out there that has already spiced up their sex life by performing the Peter Braunstein fantasy. You can almost hear the conversation: "C'mon, baby, I'll get the smoke bombs and the fireman outfit; it'll be so hot!" And her resigned reply: "Okay, but you have to buy me two bottles of Cristal." Also: Even money on the possibility that at least one of them works in the fashion industry." -
kreepie kats
Which Kat Will Die?
Click to enlarge. So, you tell us: Which Kat must die so that the others may live? More »
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By ChoireComment by cometstails: get rid of stickie. But if you so dare touch one hair on Dane's grizzly body.... more » | Other threads
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my cock's livejournal
I Believe In Self Love
Earlier today Emily posted an item of a sensitive, personal nature, in which she opened herself up to the readership and expressed hope and conviction in the face of personal sadness. Dick that he is, My Cock got jealous and demanded the same privilege. Since there's not much else going on and many of you have already left for the holiday, we figured why not. More » -
explications
MySpace Founder Will Once Again Be Thwarted By Rupert Murdoch
Meet Brad Greenspan, the 34-year-old L.A. player who won't be the next owner of Dow Jones but, since there's not a lot of other news going on concerning Rupert Murdoch's close-to-inevitable takeover of the company, is probably worth a quick profile. Greenspan was a co-founder of MySpace (although, the Times reports, "there are fundamental disagreements over his role in the company, as there are over other aspects of his career") and objected to News Corp.'s acquisition of the social networking site, claiming (presciently) that the company was worth far more than the bid accepted. Greenspan's something of a character, and even though My Cock has a better chance of buying the Wall Street Journal than he does (it's bidding $63 a share with guarantees of balls-off full editorial independence policy), there's something fairly charming about his cranky episodes. More »
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By abalkComment by Untranscribable Sound Of Unmanly Anguish: Balk, I know you meant to say, "has a better chances" instead of "has a better change". It's times like... more » | Other threads
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listmania
Gawker's Best Posts Of 2007
As the folks over at CBS's Public Eye note, summer is the season of the list. (The article functions as a collection of lists itself, which is probably intentional.) Why is this the case? Well, nothing happens between Memorial Day and Labor Day, and lazy journalists need to fill space. This problem also affects bloggers, who are even lazier than journalists. Inspired by Jon Friedman's contribution to the genre ("The biggest media stories of 2007 are ..."), we decided to make a list of our own biggest stories this year, as judged by a special correspondent. More »
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By abalkComment by GorgeousGeorge: Cock, how is it that you type so well? Are we to believe you're thin enough to hit individual keys?... more » | Other threads
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big apples
Times Square Turns Rumptastic
We've got good news for those of you who enjoy massive posteriors. (And who doesn't?) AdAge reports that a toilet manufacturer "will unveil a giant two-story billboard wrapped around three sides of a Times Square building. And on that billboard will be giant two-storied rears, smiling down on the city." Brightens everyone's day, right? But wait, it gets better! More »
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By abalkComment by TheBigDoggy: Now Times Square is truly, undeniably double air-brushed. The end is near. more » | Other threads
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career opportunities
Nashville Calling
You catch that Arts & Leisure piece on Toby Keith and Brad Paisley in this weekend's Times? Turns out these country music stars are making a fortune while indulging in a fondness for bad puns. We're not exactly sure why this is news—country music has trafficked in lousy jokes since long before "She Got the Goldmine (I Got the Shaft)"—but no matter: If there's money to be made we want a piece of it. We spent the morning writing a country song of our own; if any music legends out there need a career-resuscitating hit, drop us a line! And there's plenty more where this came from! You're in for a treat! More » -
art is anything you can get away with
There Is Mystery Associated With Angelina Jolie!
"This picture brings up a lot of things about portraiture", says Director of Photography Amy Steigbigel. "It's a collaboration between photographer and subject. Who decided she was going to be blindfolded, how was this choice made? There is mystery associated with Angelina Jolie. Why is she wearing that blindfold? What is the meaning of that blindfold? It creates conflict right off the bat."
It sure does! Conflict between my boxers and my cock! Schwing! More »
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By abalkComment by thebedazzler: What you're not seeing is that there's a pinata outside the frame of the photo and she's holding a stick.... more » | Other threads
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the modern man
Must Straight Men Be Manscaped?
Manscaping: According to Simon Doonan, it's an epidemic amongst our city's movers and shakers. The depilatory procedure, "known among practitioners as 'back, sack and crack,' ...concerns male hetero hair removal. Yes, below the waist. Eeeeeuw!" Our feelings exactly, compounded with fear: Do we really have to go out and get our short-and-curlies tweezed away? Because, seriously, you could make wigs for every resident of Staten Island and have plenty left over for blankets and handkerchiefs. To get to the bottom (haha, get it?) of this whole sordid business, we checked in with the ladies of Jezebel. More »
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