"For my black nails I prefer Magic Polish. For the eyes I like MAC. For the lipstick on my cheek—womans preference." Claire Zulkey talks to megadouche pick-up artist "Mystery." [Zulkey]

Last night was the concluding episode of the VH1 douchebag-training documentary "America's Next Top Douche," and, after an intensive course in douchery, pick up artist "Mystery" selected a new douche to join him and his wingmen as they travel across the country performing random acts of gentle doucheness. Here's the…

Last night megadouche pick up artist "Mystery" was a guest on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien," where we learned that some of his most interesting lines come from the inside of a Snapple bottlecap. We also learned that we can barely stand to look at his ridiculous face anymore. One more episode of that show and we're…

On last night's episode of "Who Wants To Be A Douche?" the remaining members of pick up artist Mystery's Douche Candidate School faced their toughest challenge yet: They had to bag a stripper. (If you can bag a stripper, apparently, you can bag anyone.) In this scene, contestant Brady manages to convince a comely…

Last night's episode of "Douche Hatchery" was the most exciting one so far! Mystery instructed his charges in the ways of pick up artistry as usual, but conflict ensued - conflict that almost tore the fragile band of contestants apart. In this clip, Mystery provides a - okay, look, we're going to be honest with you…

This week on "Extreme Makeover: Douche Edition," pick up artist "Mystery" instills a little confidence to help his little doucherflies emerge from their cocoons. Guess what? From now on, they are ALL TENS. No one has a higher value than they do. Even the fat one.

In last night's episode of VH1's "Academy of Douchery,"pick up artist" "Mystery" instructed his douchelettes in the art of "kiss tactics." Demonstrating on his almost certainly gay wingman "J. Dog," our Venusian master sets the stage for a challenge in which his charges must kiss a girl—with her permission even! Pay…

This week's episode of "Douche Factory" finally delivered the goods: After an embarrassing segment in which the apprentice pick-up douches competed to see who could best tell a story to a roomful of little girls—both creepy and sexist, nice work, VH1!—seduction ringleader "Mystery" instructed his charges in the art…

For whatever reason, we are unable to stop watching VH1's new pickup artist instructional program L'ecole Des Douches. Here's a particularly poignant clip from last night's episode, where douche-aspirant "Spoon" attempts to walk into a club and pester some women who would rather not be bothered. Spoon's fear…

After reading yesterday's interview with megadouche seduction instructor, uh, "Mystery," we had to tune into VH1's "The Pick Up Artist," his new reality show. And you know what? It was kind of gripping, in that "I can't believe I'm not changing the channel" way. Here's "Mystery" explaining to his well-meaning charges…