Learn To Pick Up Women From Mystery For Mere Thousands

A Douche Is Born

Last night was the concluding episode of the VH1 douchebag-training documentary "America's Next Top Douche," and, after an intensive course in douchery, pick up artist "Mystery" selected a new douche to join him and his wingmen as they travel across the country performing random acts of gentle doucheness. Here's the climactic moment, when one of the two finalists is transformed from simple douche-aspirant to full-fledged Douche. (We won't say who, but the clip does reveal it; also, you can see his demo reel here.) It's stirring and touching. And, thank God, over.

Mystery Reveals His Astounding Secrets

Last night megadouche pick up artist "Mystery" was a guest on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien," where we learned that some of his most interesting lines come from the inside of a Snapple bottlecap. We also learned that we can barely stand to look at his ridiculous face anymore. One more episode of that show and we're DONE, please God. It's going to be so hard!

How To Pick Up An Exotic Dancer

On last night's episode of "Who Wants To Be A Douche?" the remaining members of pick up artist Mystery's Douche Candidate School faced their toughest challenge yet: They had to bag a stripper. (If you can bag a stripper, apparently, you can bag anyone.) In this scene, contestant Brady manages to convince a comely lass to accompany him to a waiting limo. But will he pull the trigger? There's only one more episode of "The Pick Up Artist" left and, frankly, we're kind of relieved.

Mystery Addresses His Pupils

Last night's episode of "Douche Hatchery" was the most exciting one so far! Mystery instructed his charges in the ways of pick up artistry as usual, but conflict ensued - conflict that almost tore the fragile band of contestants apart. In this clip, Mystery provides a - okay, look, we're going to be honest with you here: The stupid TiVo machine didn't tape "The Pick Up Artist" last night. AGAIN. So we had to improvise. Still, we guarantee you, this is pretty much what happened.

True Confessions: I Love Mystery

How To Pretend You're Comfortable With Your Dorkiness

This week on "Extreme Makeover: Douche Edition," pick up artist "Mystery" instills a little confidence to help his little doucherflies emerge from their cocoons. Guess what? From now on, they are ALL TENS. No one has a higher value than they do. Even the fat one.

How To Kiss A Girl

In last night's episode of VH1's "Academy of Douchery,"pick up artist" "Mystery" instructed his douchelettes in the art of "kiss tactics." Demonstrating on his almost certainly gay wingman "J. Dog," our Venusian master sets the stage for a challenge in which his charges must kiss a girl—with her permission even! Pay attention, you might learn something. About being a douche.

How To Make A Women Feel Bad Enough To Sleep With You

This week's episode of "Douche Factory" finally delivered the goods: After an embarrassing segment in which the apprentice pick-up douches competed to see who could best tell a story to a roomful of little girls—both creepy and sexist, nice work, VH1!—seduction ringleader "Mystery" instructed his charges in the art of "the neg." There's a lot of science involved—particularly concerning those "DHV spikes"—so you might want to take notes.

Pick Up Artist And Pals Will Not See Contestant Fail

For whatever reason, we are unable to stop watching VH1's new pickup artist instructional program L'ecole Des Douches. Here's a particularly poignant clip from last night's episode, where douche-aspirant "Spoon" attempts to walk into a club and pester some women who would rather not be bothered. Spoon's fear overcomes him, and he returns to the warm embrace of Mystery and the Wingmen, who reassure their timid charge. They feel him. Maybe this kid might learn to be a full-fledged douche after all!

Making Dorks Into Dicks

After reading yesterday's interview with megadouche seduction instructor, uh, "Mystery," we had to tune into VH1's "The Pick Up Artist," his new reality show. And you know what? It was kind of gripping, in that "I can't believe I'm not changing the channel" way. Here's "Mystery" explaining to his well-meaning charges how their life of quivering geekdom is over.