Gawker: mystery loves company

Learn To Pick Up Women From Mystery For Mere Thousands

Ryan Tate — Mon, 18 Feb 2008 06:55:40 EST

Professional "pick-up artist" Mystery made the entire country feel slimy and gross with his VH1 show on how to pick up women by being disgusting. Now, of course, he's going to cash in on his infamy with absurdly-priced seminars across the country, hyped in the most douchey way conceivable. One email recipient said Mystery and his cohorts Matador and Lovedrop are asking for "thousands of dollars" to "expose you to highly sensitive information" on how to date the "hottest... girls on the planet." They've even set up a website with some kind of satellite imagery, no doubt intended to illustrated a building storm of douches soon to be unleashed on an unsuspecting world, plus a countdown timer for their "World Tour" of three continents, five countries and, supposedly, eight cities. The best part is still their email, excerpted after the jump.

Hey Matt...

I confess, I am little ticked off. Ticked off about this one particular "conspiracy"... and have been for a long time... and even more so since I've been working with Mystery on a day-to-day basis. Please forgive the 'cloak and dagger', but I'm going out on a limb by telling you this…

I don't know how "they" have done it… How do "they" keep you from dating the hottest, smartest, most intelligent girls on the planet...

How do "they" manage to subtly convolute the subject of attraction, dating and seduction, whilst going relatively unnoticed in their sneaky ways? It's almost like "they" have found a way to siphon the hottest girls "off the market"...

But "they" have done so for long enough...I feel that now it's YOUR turn...

How do I know all this? Who are "they"? "They" are television. Hollywood moviemakers. Other pick-up training companies (the ones that rip off Mystery's theories circa 2004). Even your friends and parents are —unknowingly!— in on the conspiracy!

The next few minutes will expose you to highly sensitive information... But if you're not interested in dating the hottest, most attractive, most "put-together" girls on the planet, like Mystery does, do NOT read any further!

[Matt Dentler]

"For my black nails I prefer Magic Polish....

abalk — Fri, 05 Oct 2007 12:32:05 EDT

"For my black nails I prefer Magic Polish. For the eyes I like MAC. For the lipstick on my cheek—womans preference." Claire Zulkey talks to megadouche pick-up artist "Mystery." [Zulkey]

A Douche Is Born

abalk — Tue, 25 Sep 2007 15:25:04 EDT

Last night was the concluding episode of the VH1 douchebag-training documentary "America's Next Top Douche," and, after an intensive course in douchery, pick up artist "Mystery" selected a new douche to join him and his wingmen as they travel across the country performing random acts of gentle doucheness. Here's the climactic moment, when one of the two finalists is transformed from simple douche-aspirant to full-fledged Douche. (We won't say who, but the clip does reveal it; also, you can see his demo reel here.) It's stirring and touching. And, thank God, over.

Mystery Reveals His Astounding Secrets

abalk — Fri, 21 Sep 2007 12:37:57 EDT

Last night megadouche pick up artist "Mystery" was a guest on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien," where we learned that some of his most interesting lines come from the inside of a Snapple bottlecap. We also learned that we can barely stand to look at his ridiculous face anymore. One more episode of that show and we're DONE, please God. It's going to be so hard!

How To Pick Up An Exotic Dancer

abalk — Tue, 18 Sep 2007 10:10:52 EDT

On last night's episode of "Who Wants To Be A Douche?" the remaining members of pick up artist Mystery's Douche Candidate School faced their toughest challenge yet: They had to bag a stripper. (If you can bag a stripper, apparently, you can bag anyone.) In this scene, contestant Brady manages to convince a comely lass to accompany him to a waiting limo. But will he pull the trigger? There's only one more episode of "The Pick Up Artist" left and, frankly, we're kind of relieved.

Mystery Addresses His Pupils

abalk — Tue, 11 Sep 2007 15:20:09 EDT

Last night's episode of "Douche Hatchery" was the most exciting one so far! Mystery instructed his charges in the ways of pick up artistry as usual, but conflict ensued - conflict that almost tore the fragile band of contestants apart. In this clip, Mystery provides a - okay, look, we're going to be honest with you here: The stupid TiVo machine didn't tape "The Pick Up Artist" last night. AGAIN. So we had to improvise. Still, we guarantee you, this is pretty much what happened.

True Confessions: I Love Mystery

Robespierre — Tue, 11 Sep 2007 13:30:29 EDT

With Yom Kippur around the corner, it's that time of year where we admit sins, beg forgiveness and stand by mailboxes waiting in vain for apology letters that don't arrive from high school classmates who cruelly mocked certain other high school classmates who at the time had clear braces, a nose, a face oil problem and only five shirts but who now have a nose job, are exceedingly wealthy and have the oil problem under control through the use of astringent. So in the spirit of candor, I admit that when we received a Gawker Stalker email (I'm one of the hardworking behind-the-scenes Stalkettes who handles such things) revealing that Mystery from The Pickup Artist was filming at Prohibition ~~on fun~~ on the Upper West Side, my instinct was to race uptown and shamelessly throw myself at him. Because I AM IN LOVE WITH MYSTERY and I don't care who knows it.

As a strong, independent Beyonce-type, I initially scoffed at the idea that a man who wears Abraham Lincoln hats with swimming goggles could pick me or anyone else up with card tricks and canned lines. But putting aside his warlock medallions and Fleetwood Mac capes, it's no mystery why Mystery is 100% objectively sexy. He's tall (6'5"), he's suce$$ful, his guyliner is expertly applied, and he's not some Murray Hill cheeserag talking about his Bank of America Securities job or corny Hamptons share. Plus, all of his sneaky methods work on me. That someone could trick me into liking him while insulting me—appealing! But that someone could trick me into liking him while insulting me AND using ridiculous lines and magic gimmicks? He had me at "kino."

While investigating Mystery's Wikipedia entry, I discovered that he and I also have a number of things in common besides extreme good looks. Mental problems? Check. Former nerd who has risen like a Phoenix from the ashes? Again, check. Also, meeting the family won't be a problem because they probably already know each other from the time when his grandparents stole my grandparents' art and then enslaved them in concentration camps. Plus, he's a Libra and I'm a Taurus. Zing.

Furthermore, my intense crush on Mystery plays off of several key elements of any healthy relationship. There's the thrill of the chase aspect—after Mystery meets me, I will surely tame this wild warlock and get him to stop seducing women everywhere. Then there's the wounded bird aspect—obviously anyone who makes it his mission to sleep with women everywhere and then teaches seminars on it is seriously disturbed, and I will easily fix this.

Finally, if Mystery and I go steady, I wouldn't have to spend precious time wondering whether he's playing games with me because I could rest easy knowing that he obviously is. And everybody knows you can't put a price tag on peace of mind!

So haters, drink your haterate. I will have the last laugh when he opens a set with me, negs me senseless and kino escalates. Mystery, call me. I've been working out and shit is looking pretty good.

[Image: VH1]

How To Pretend You're Comfortable With Your Dorkiness

abalk — Tue, 04 Sep 2007 15:30:39 EDT

This week on "Extreme Makeover: Douche Edition," pick up artist "Mystery" instills a little confidence to help his little doucherflies emerge from their cocoons. Guess what? From now on, they are ALL TENS. No one has a higher value than they do. Even the fat one.

How To Kiss A Girl

abalk — Tue, 28 Aug 2007 16:30:05 EDT

In last night's episode of VH1's "Academy of Douchery,"pick up artist" "Mystery" instructed his douchelettes in the art of "kiss tactics." Demonstrating on his almost certainly gay wingman "J. Dog," our Venusian master sets the stage for a challenge in which his charges must kiss a girl—with her permission even! Pay attention, you might learn something. About being a douche.

How To Make A Women Feel Bad Enough To Sleep With You

abalk — Wed, 22 Aug 2007 13:00:35 EDT

This week's episode of "Douche Factory" finally delivered the goods: After an embarrassing segment in which the apprentice pick-up douches competed to see who could best tell a story to a roomful of little girls—both creepy and sexist, nice work, VH1!—seduction ringleader "Mystery" instructed his charges in the art of "the neg." There's a lot of science involved—particularly concerning those "DHV spikes"—so you might want to take notes.

Pick Up Artist And Pals Will Not See Contestant Fail

abalk — Tue, 14 Aug 2007 14:22:45 EDT

For whatever reason, we are unable to stop watching VH1's new pickup artist instructional program L'ecole Des Douches. Here's a particularly poignant clip from last night's episode, where douche-aspirant "Spoon" attempts to walk into a club and pester some women who would rather not be bothered. Spoon's fear overcomes him, and he returns to the warm embrace of Mystery and the Wingmen, who reassure their timid charge. They feel him. Maybe this kid might learn to be a full-fledged douche after all!

Making Dorks Into Dicks

abalk — Tue, 07 Aug 2007 10:40:29 EDT

After reading yesterday's interview with megadouche seduction instructor, uh, "Mystery," we had to tune into VH1's "The Pick Up Artist," his new reality show. And you know what? It was kind of gripping, in that "I can't believe I'm not changing the channel" way. Here's "Mystery" explaining to his well-meaning charges how their life of quivering geekdom is over.