Barry Sonnenfeld has successfully pitched a movie based on the Tom Swift adventure novels to Columbia. Hopefully it'll be more Men in Black Sonnenfeld and less R.V. Sonnenfeld. [Variety]

Halle Berry is close to signing onto the thriller The Surrogate, about a wicked lady who carries a couple's baby, only to turn out crazy. Oddly, her Perfect Stranger costar Bruce Willis is in an upcoming thriller called, um, Surrogates. [Variety]

Rebecca DeMornay, John Mahoney, Aidan Quinn, and Penelope Ann Miller have all been announced as cast members of Flipped, a tale about two kids falling in love, based on a young adult novel. And with a cast like that, it's bound to be... something. [THR]

Revolutionary Road growler Michael Shannon is signing on to costar in The Runaways, the Joan Jett biopic starring Kristen Stewart and Dakota Fanning. Hm. [THR]

NBC has signed a deal with Hallmark, which means we'll soon be able to buy 30 Rock and Battlestar Galactica greeting cards. Nothing says "Happy Birthday" quite like a card reading "Frak! I'm lizzing all over the place." [Variety]

Crazed octo-mom Nadya Suleman has finally landed a reality show deal, with the Dutch-owned reality hut that produces The Biggest Loser and For Love or Money (exactly). It won't be as "intrusive" as other reality shows, rather it'll occasionally check in on the lives of the enormous brood, sort of like the wonderful British Up series, except not at all because everyone will be miserable and vulgar. [THR]

Image via Splash

Gibson was on the Tonight Show last night and confirmed the existence of his new bastard son, his eighth child. "I guess that makes me 'Octo-Mel'", he sputtered amusingly. Then he stretched out his lips to emulate the crazy, collagened Suleman. And the audience roared.

So we'll forgive the blotto religious zealots, but not the bloat-o fame zealots. Because only one of them gave us Tequlia Sunrise. Only one.

• Mel Gibson's ex-mistress Diana Alouise is offering to team up with Gibson's soon-to-be ex-wife in her divorce case against the actor. Gibson told the mistress he was married, but she was convinced their "sex, alcohol and partying" would lead to a healthy, committed relationship, so obviously she has cause to be bitter. [Daily Star]
  
• Nadya Suleman is adopting a shih tzu dog, to go with her 14 kids, and to just generally see how many breathing things she can accumulate before she's actually stopped. [Scoop]
  
• Andy Samberg funded short films at NYU using $5,000 that mysteriously appeared in his bank account, due to some kind of miraculous error. [Gatecrasher]
  
• Miley Cyrus on her constant heckler Perez Hilton: "I don't know how old he is, but taking it out on me is a little strange. It's like going back to high school." [Daily Mail]
  
• An angry newspaper editor in Burlington County, New Jersey will not have Jay Leno mocking his dueling "School Taxes Going Up" and "School Taxes Going Down" headlines, because they're NOT MISTAKES, DAMMIT. [P6]

• Film star Kelly McGillis confirmed she's lesbian, as long rumored. It must have been Tom Cruise's unquestioned heterosexuality that really sold those Top Gun love scenes, then. [Daily Mail]
  
• Sean Penn is separating from his wife Rob Wright Penn. For the second time. So presumably he won't have to remember to forget to thank in her in his Oscar speech ever again. [P6]
  
• Elizabeth Edwards writes in her new book she cried, screamed and threw up when John Edwards confessed cheating on her. Maybe because she knew she'd have to coax the full truth out of him: Edwards originally "left most of the truth out" and said he'd only slipped up once. Good thing those days of lying about tabloid allegations are completely behind him! [Daily News]
  
• Rihanna's dad thinks the singer is completely over apparently abusive ex Chris Brown. "Chris sounds like old news to me," he told Us Weekly (in print only, it would seem). [Scoop]
  
• "Pansexual" cad Neal Boulton entered rehab after finding out he has liver cirrhosis. Apparently giving up booze on his own didn't work out for the former Genre editor.
  
• Police detectives and social services visited Nadya "Octo-Mom" Suleman after the fourth complaint against her, this time for possible child neglect and endangerment. Suleman said some teacher saw a black eye one of her kids and just, you know, flipped out. All reactionary and nanny state like. GOD. [Us]

• Were you one of the two high school boys commenting on Kate Winslet's "big, hot booty" while she walked down 6th Avenue in workout gear? If you were, she wasn't paying attention to you. Because she's British, and a lady, and so you'd need to say "madam, what a fine rear end" to get a wink and a "you cheeky monkey" outta her. [P6]
• The Madonna-witch, still healing from broken spirits after her steed recognized her wickedness and threw her off its back, is being kept company by her man-child lover, Jesus Luz. Aside from the irony of a guy named Jesus hanging around with this devilish creature, the story is notable because Luz keeps getting work from slobbering designers like Marc Jacobs and Dolce & Gabbana not because of his cocoa bean good looks, but because they're all doing favors, sacrifices you might call them, for the Madonna-witch. Luz needs work permits to stay in the country, and I guess fashion modeling counts as work. Sigh. [P6]
• Hugh Grant, who is near about fifty years old, was seen hanging out at a 23-year-old model's birthday party, along with other guests like the bewigged twinks from Gossip Girl. In other news, Divine Brown has been named the prime minister of France. [NYDN]
• OooOOooO. Robert Pattinson, the shimmerfop from the Twiddlytwinkle vampire series, got into acting because his father once nudged him as pretty girls walked into a local theater and said "You've got to go to that." CreeEEeppYyy. [NYDN]
• Casey Aldridge, the 18-year-old father of Britney Spears' niece, Maddie the Baptist, was in a car wreck over the weekend, and is recovering at a Mississippi hospital. The story is apparently that he was at a buddy's bachelor party and then some friends decided to go "crabbing"—in the middle of the night—and at some point he ran his pickup off the road and it flipped over. Oddly enough, when first responders arrived at the scene they found a duffel bag full of clothes, a large wad of twenty dollar bills and a map of Mexico in the glove compartment, and a fading hopeful gleam in the boy's eye. [People]
• Ocotolady has been spending her time well, getting a tattoo dedicated to her 136 children rather than tending to her 136 children. It's an "angel with 14 stars and an infinity symbol" kind of tattoo, just like the ones Puerto Rican transsexuals get in prison. [Us]
• Spencer and Heidi's wedding was "amazing". Hasn't that word lost all meaning at this point? People use it all the time now. How could Heidi and Spencer's wedding, in which the reality star lady was draped in one million dollars worth of diamonds, be "amazing"? We need a new word for what Heidi and Spencer's wedding was. I suggest "fluorbolical". [Us]

Ok!
"Real Sizes Revealed."
Guess what? Most stars are thin! Between a size 0 and size 4. The highest dress size number on this spread is a 6/8: Mariah Carey. Brooke Shields wears a jean size 29. Really hard-hitting stuff. Moving on: Jessica Biel is threatening to break up with Justin Timberlake; she was overheard saying on a phone, "I'm sick and tired of his bullshit." Although she could have been talking about her agent, or a dog. Anyway, Justin "craves guy time" and is "constantly flirting." There are two pages on Bethenny from Real Housewives, who wears a bikini and talks about her diet book. Lastly, Tim Gunn is photographed with his pants down (Fig 1). It's sort of adorable, and due to his avuncular demeanor, it's also sort of weird. He says: "I haven't been on a date in 26 years." Awww. But then he says: "It might sound selfish, but I am very happy being alone."
Grade: F, upgraded to F+ for Tim Gunn (broken locks)

Life & Style
"Thin By Summer!" Margaret skipped this story but did see pictures of chicken on a plate and a person working out, so she deduces that much like ALL OTHER diet stories, this one advocates eating healthy and exercising. Moving on: "Lindsay's Back To Boys," since she hooked up with some dude named Chris Jepson at a house party in L.A. He works as a manager at Bungalow 8 in London. At the party in Hollywood, the two "disappeared into the bathroom" for 45 minutes. People were knocking on the door! LL reportedly told Mel B. that she's "back on men." The mag asks, "was she ever really into girls in the first place?" A psychologist who does not treat her explains that bisexuality means you can sometimes like dudes and sometimes like chicks. Jennifer Aniston is "holed up in her hotel" in NY because she's afraid of running into Angelina Jolie on the street or in restaurants. The mag copy reads: "Making matters worse, Jen was still dating John Mayer at the Oscars, but now she's single, and running into Angie would only rub salt in her wounds." Also in the article: "The bottom line is, she's pretty lonely." A four page story addresses the burning question: "Is Robert [Pattinson] The Sexiest Man On Earth?" There are diagrams, quotes and arrows pointing to the sparkly vampire's "soulful eyes." 90210 star Kellan Lutz says: "Rob is Edward. He's so complicated, so poetic, so sensual." What else? In a two page interview with Real Housewives Jill Zarin about her breast-reduction surgery, she says "I wanted to go public with my story to show women that there is no shame in wanting to look and feel your best, as long as it's done safely." Bless you! This week in Dr. Rey's Casebook, it's "Who Has The Best Hands In Hollywood?" Rosario Dawson, 29, has "flawless, young-looking" hands. Dr. Rey says, "She probably uses a good skin cream, like Dr. Rey's Well-In-Hand." And, in a horrifying display of Frankenstein-like Photoshop, Sarah Jessica Parker is given Reese Witherspoon's hands (Fig 2).
Grade: D- (missing knob)

Star
"Rehab For Tori!" Candy Spelling says she'd be willing to pay for Tori to get treatment for anorexia. Tori has said that she is not anorexic, but that, like many busy moms, she tends to just pick food off the plate of her kid. The mag adds up the value of bits and scraps of food and comes up with 130 calories. A nutritionist who does not treat her says "If Tori is only eating 130 calories, then she is definitely not consuming enough." Really? Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake are "drifting apart." Jess wants to get hitched and start a family; Justin likes things the way they are. Someone overheard Alicia Silverstone talking to Amy Heckerling and so there might be a sequel to Clueless. Blind item: "Which TV starlet is really on the rebound? She's got a new body, a new gig and even a new guy. The only problem is, he's married. She makes a show of partying solo as a distraction." Moving on: John Mayer is dating a model, Scheana Marie Jancan. There are six pages of "Stars Without Makeup" and bitchy blurbs like this: "When Miley goes out minus her red carpet war paint, she looks just as blotchy and unkempt as the average teenage girl." Britney and Kevin had a "talk" about having more babies together. Her idea. She's "seriously considering" their future together. She wants to have more kids before she gets too old so she can "relate" to them. In Brad and Angelina news, when he came back from France, he brought home an antique rocking chair and a Cartier ring for Angie: "Pre-push presents." Rihanna's best friend Melissa never liked Chris Brown and was the one who urged RiRi to stay away. But! She also urged Rihanna not to appear on Oprah and talk about domestic violence. Lastly: Star uses its art department muscle and creates a photo composite of what Susah Boyle would look like if she had a makeover [Fig 3].
Grade: D (rusted, squeaky hinges)

Us
"We're Having Baby No. 4"
Heidi Klum and Seal are expecting! Do they want a girl? "We would be happy with either, but it would be a lie if I said we all weren't hoping for a little girl. Especially Leni, because she would love to have a little sister." Also, Heidi says of Seal: "I knew right away he was my dream husband." There are six pages of awesome quotes and pictures and info about how the kids wear hand-me-downs. Next: "Would You Let Chris Brown Hold Your Baby?" Well, 67% of readers said No [Fig. 4]. Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal went to Coachella and were spotted hugging and singing along to the music, yawn. Lastly, you may not know this, but Beyoncé, Amy Winehouse and Juliette Lewis consider Urkel fashion inspiration [Fig 5].
Grade: D+ (high threshold)

In Touch
"Brad Moves Out." This cover is not to be confused with last August's "Brad Storms Out" or May 2008's "Brad Walks Away." [Fig. 6] This particular story is vague about what Angelina and Brad were fighting about, and the fact that he left the house and went to France to check on renovations — and then came back — proves nothing. Also inside: In a picture of Mariah Carey looking curvy, a trainer who does not work with her estimates that she weighs 175 lbs. An insider says "She is going crazy trying to slim down. She looks at old pictures and compares her weight and talks about her body nonstop." Sounds healthy! Also, Oprah's straight hair is making her look thinner. Another fake wedding for Heidi and Spencer? It's supposed to happen this weekend in Pasadena. A source says, "It's just a plot line, they're not really getting married." It's happening in a church that's also a "closed set" and The Hills cast will attend. The producers want Lauren to "do something dramatic." A "pal" says of Speidi, "They would have a fake baby if people would watch them on TV." Did you know that Gavin Rossdale had a relationship with a dude in the past? The gentleman in question is a rocker known as Marilyn [Fig. 7]. Marilyn says of Gavin: "He was the love of my life. We were together 5 years, but it felt like 40." Then there are a smattering of pictures Marilyn looking like Gwen Stefani [Fig. 8] Evidence points to the fact that Gavin and Marilyn are friends. Katie Holmes is one step closer to her "baby dream" because there is a picture of her holding her stomach. In Nadya Suleman news, the mother of octuplets was indeed a stripper for at least a year in her early 20s and "enjoyed the experience a lot." She got fired from some bar because she kept breaking the "no touching" rule. But! Before that, she did private parties and was known as "the closer," the one who would do "special favors" for the men — beyond lap dancing or even touching. The mag prints a signed contract from the club, and — get this — Suleman's stripper name was Angelina. Next: Kevin Federline might get paid to lose weight, as he's been offered a deal with NutriSystem. Jennifer Love Hewitt says, "I always takes bubble baths wearing a tiara. I am a grown-up who bathes in a tiara! One that I got from Disneyland." Lastly, how do you top pictures of horses with hairdos [Fig. 9]? All in all, good stuff, except for the stoopid fake cover story.
Grade: C (ripped screen)

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• Jennifer Aniston is lusting after David Schwimmer's sperm, since he's "handsome, tall, smart and with a full head of hair." Also, they made a pact to marry if they were both 40 and single, and they are both 40+ and single. Also, Jennifer Aniston has wisely decided to return control of her life to the writing staff of Friends. [National Enquirer]
  
• Everyone wants Lindsay Lohan to go (back) to rehab, including her mom, Samantha Ronson's family, people staying next to Lohan in hotels, people who eat next to her in restaurants and people who consume media written or broadcast in the English language. [OK!]
  
• Ryan Seacrest is dating a lady cocktail waitress he met at a Los Angeles nightclub. A very heterosexual, manly nightclub. [P6]
  
• Nadya Suleman is trying to trademark the name "Octo-Mom" so she can sell branded diapers and clothes capitalizing on her reputation for sound, responsible mothering. [Us]
  
• Rihanna is planning a concert in Dubai, her first since the Chris Brown thing. [E!]

In Touch is reporting that Suleman's long-expected reality show deal will not only follow the mother of octuplets around the clock, but will also zoom in on her quest to find a man.

In case you were worried this show might accidentally produce a reasoned national discussion on single motherhood, the politics of childcare or the range of mental disorders apparently afflicting Suleman, "In Touch editor Kim Serafin says the series will be a cross between John & Kate Plus 8 and The Bachelor," Hollyscoop reports (In Touch article isn't online). So there's not much danger of high-minded analysis.

Not that there's much to say on that level, really. OK! reached out to high-profile attorney Gloria Allred for reaction to the show. She thinks Suleman might only care about her many children insofar as they help her get attention. You don't say.

If you want the truth ... you probably shouldn't check out In Touch, Life & Style, Us, Ok! and Star. But nevertheless, we continue our weekly quest for real gossip below.



Ok!
WEDDING NEWS! For years, Angelina Jolie has taken on the bulk of the responsibility with the kids, but now that she's been spending so much time away from home taking on humanitarian and film projects, Brad Pitt feels like he's a single dad. "He wants to get married before they have any more babies - and that mean getting pregnant or adopting," says a source. "He needs to know Angie is really committed to him," a friend adds. "Becoming Mrs. Pitt would give him the answer." In other fake news, Jennifer Aniston wants to adopt a baby girl because she loves the relationship Courteney Cox has with her daughter Coco and breaking up with John Mayer has "sidelined the idea of getting pregnant." Lastly, Britney's fighting to win Kevin back. Though she kissed an unnamed dancer during a dinner with members of her tour and then spent nine minutes in the bathroom with him while her bodyguards blocked the door, she's only hooking up with the dancer to make Kevin jealous. "If she wants Kevin back, she better move fast," says a Federline source. "Kevin's track record is to get every girl he falls for pregnant, and he wastes no time."
Grade: F (Favorite show gets cancelled)

Us
Here's the "diet secret" that keeps the ladies of Dancing With the Stars so svelte: DANCE FOR EIGHT HOURS A DAY. Moving on: "Octomom, The Nannies Tell All" gives more detail about why the Angels in Waiting nurses clashed with Nadya Suleman. Representatives from the organization claim that she was tipping off the media, that cameramen were telling nurses to "get out of the shot" while they were trying to care for the babies, and that there is no security in the home and anyone can just walk in. They say Nadya was always shopping, only took care of the babies when the cameras were on, and didn't bathe one baby for days. In other news, Bridget Moynahan isn't amused by Gisele Bundchen's comment regarding her son Jack in Vanity Fair. Gisele said, "It's not like because somebody else delivered him that's not my child." Bridget and her friends are "in shock" since she's never met Gisele and a source says, "Gisele parades that kid for the pararazzi to show she's a family person." Stevie Nicks makes fun of some of her worst looks ever. (Fig. 1) Next: Us is calling out all of the other tabloids for recently running cover stories that weren't true. For the record, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie aren't breaking up, Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer weren't trying to conceive a baby, and Rihanna and Chris Brown did not have a secret wedding. They also show how OK! Photoshopped two pictures together to make it look like Suri and Shiloh were having a play date. A Jolie-Pitt source says, "Angelina has never met Suri, nor is Shiloh her new best friend. Actually, Shiloh's real best friend, Zahara, would be upset to hear that!" In closing, John Mayer insulted Jennifer Aniston on a five-day cruise with his fans aboard the "Mayercraft Carrier 2." He debuted a song about an anonymous needy lover, and admitted to making out with Jen's "nemesis" by which the mag means Perez Hilton. "Fuck yeah, I made out with Perez," Mayer told the crowd, "I just wanted to prove that I'm a sicker fuck than he is. I'll [have sex with him] until he runs away screaming just to prove a point."
Grade: D- (Favorite character diagnosed with brain tumor)

Life & Style
"Twilight Fight!" claims that Robert Pattinson is intimidated by the set of younger, buffer actors playing werewolves in New Moon. No actual fisticuffs have ensued, but they've been telling the press that Rob is smelly and Ryan Seacrest told one of the new stars, Kellan Lutz, "Rob is the lead,m but you're the better-looking Cullen." Also, Kristen Stewart is friends with Taylor Lautner, so the mags are going to say she's cheating on her boyfriend with him now instead of Rob. Moving on: Angelina is on an extreme diet. On the set of Salt she had her assistant put a single small salted pretzel on a plate and bring it to her for a snack. Sources on the crew haven't seen her eating much else. It's not the first time she's done this. "Angelina calls it 'movie dieting'" says a friend. "She likes the way she looks on-screen when she's slim and angular." Jessica Alba won't eat white food. Anything with sugar or flour isn't allowed in the house. "Jamie Kennedy: How he scored his dream girl" never exactly says that Jennifer Love Hewitt is out of his league, but the accompanying graphic of other normal looking guys and their hotter ladies gets the message across (Fig. 2) There's more on Nadya Suleman's alleged lack of parenting skills. Angels in Waiting lawyer Gloria Allred says, "The babies appeared to be treated as props after their feedings." As for the older kids, an insider says, "They run around in the same dirty clothes, underwear, and socks for days at a time. And when Nadya gets overwhelmed, she locks herself in a closet and talks on the phone." Britney Spears' dad is angry about her leaked phone message. "He was considering ending the conservatorship when she wrapped her tour, but now he may change his mind," says an insider, "He's freaked that Britney will stop paying him and kick him to the curb." Paris Hilton has dumped her BFF, Brittany Flickinger, who she found on a reality show. "All that girl wanted was the free trips, the goodie bags, staying at Paris' mansion and the parties and clubs. She was desperate for money," says a source. "She was another one of these girls using Paris to get famous." In Dr. Rey's casebook the bad doctor is once again using the fine film Face/Off as the inspiration for "Who has the most flawless face?" This time, Cameron Diaz would look would look better with Gwyneth Paltrow's skin grafted onto her face. (Fig. 3)
Grade: D (Lead actor leaves to make a movie)

Star
"Tori anorexic? 98lbs." Of course the personal trainer who estimated her weight doesn't treat Tori. Candy Spelling has written a tell-all book called Stories from Candyland in retaliation for her daughter's tell-all book, sTori Telling and Tori's so upset she can't eat. "Tori's so stressed over her mom's new book, she has no appetite but is still exercising every day. Her friends are all worried that she may be anorexic. She's now down to a size zero," says a source. But if Spelling is trying to get back at her estranged mother, it's not working. "Candy actually thinks Tori looks good like this," says a source. "She always told her daughter it's best to be thin." Blind item: Which smack-talking rapper is very in touch with his feminine side? During a recent trop to Vegas, he got a luxe mani-pedi at Michael Boychuk's AMP Salon in the Palms hotel. And when he hit Cirque du Soleil's O, he wore a huge afro wig! At least his girlfriend didn't seem to mind his look. Last week Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal annoyed their fellow diners in Paris by making out like teenagers at a restaurant and feeding each other pieces of chocolate mousse. Next: Sources claim that Jennifer Aniston is desperate to arrange a meeting with Brad Pitt since they are both staying in New York. So desperate in fact, that she's made two appointments at the Waldorf-Astoria's spa, hoping that she might run into Brad. It's unclear why she went through all the trouble, since she also called Brad and he said he'd love to get together and chat. Then he told Angie and she "yelled at him for half an hour," according to an insider. "She pulled him into her bedroom and hissed, 'we are leaving the city right now!'" says the source. She told the kids to pack their bags and the brood sped off to their rented Long Island estate in an SUV sans Brad. Angie said they need a break. Don't tell the kids about this (probably fake) separation. They don't want them to know because, a source says, "It would upset them too much."
Grade: D+ (Unsatisfying series finale)

In Touch
"Loving Mother or ... MOM FROM HELL?" This story takes us "inside Octomom's crazy world," with exclusive pictures of six of her octuplets piled on her bosom, the babies lined up in their crib, and her holding one baby in the palm of her hand. In addition to complaints by Angels in Waiting published by every mag this week, In Touch goes the extra mile and chats up her neighbors. One says, "The woman is completely nuts. She thinks she's famous. She doesn't know that people are laughing at her, that she's a freak." Also, an insider says that a deal is in place for Nadya to be filmed for a reality show as soon ash the last two babies come home. "Octomom" won't appear in the title because she hates the name. "It's about Nadya trying to raise 14 children while looking for love," the insider explains. Next: Angelina feels threatened by Natalie Portman starring with Brad Pitt in the new film Important Artifacts because Natalie is beautiful, educated, six years younger than Angie, and single. "In Angelina's mind, it isn't at all far-fetched that Brad could fall for Natalie and leave her the way he did Jen," says a source. A relationship expert who doesn't treat Angie agrees: "History repeats itself. She can ask for his reassurance, but there is nothing else she can do. It's out of her control." A source claims Matthew McConaughey has proposed to Camila Alves. She's been spotted wearing a yellow-diamond engagement ring. Jennifer Love Hewitt's ex-fiance, Ross McCall is upset that she's started dating co-star Jamie Kennedy only three months after they broke up. "He feels that Jamie always flirted with Jennifer around him, and now he is wondering to his friends if this romance actually began while they were still together. He is very upset," says a friend. Moving on: Are Lindsay Lohan's habits ruining her looks? A pal says she looks "skinny and run-down" because she is "always smoking and eating crappy food." Maybe Lindsay's partying is taking a toll, but the "obvious creases" "forehead lines" and "dark circles" that the mag so helpfully points out may be a result of being human. (Fig. 4) Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have split up, according to In Touch, but only because they have a $200,000 deal with another tabloid to deliver four cover stories and they have already done three, including the fake elopement. "The actual story has be written for weeks," a friend reveals, adding that "they'll get back together," as long as the price is right. Finally, the mag reports that there's a "trendy cosmetic procedure that's sweeping Hollywood: bangs!" Apparently stars like Jennifer Lopez, Nicole Richie, and Sarah Jessica Parker are wearing bangs so they don't have to shell out for Botox on their foreheads in these hard economic times.
Grade: C- (Anti-drug episode)

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• Something about Mickey Rourke, we have no idea what, makes crazy women want to sex and marry him. First it was area lunatic Bai Ling, now it's some Russian model/actress named Irson Kudikova. She claims that the two are dating and going to marry and then they will have space motorcycle ruble babies and it will forever rain hats and matchsticks and the Tsars will return, glorious. [P6]
• Frankie Delgado, that little skunk snake who slither-pawed around The Hills for awhile, is trying to use battered and bruised singer Rihanna for his own wicked devices. After they were spotted chatting at some drafty LA scene spot, he fed tabloids lies about Ri dancing on tables and stuff. He also said that he's secretly in the CIA and that his dad is away on secret spy assignment in the "Mibble East," not just living in Los Feliz with that lady Wendy who smells like pine needles, like his mean older brother told him. [P6]
• A crazy drunken lady was yelled at by Ricky Martin after she stumbled up to him at a Miami nightclub and repeatedly and loudly requested that he "shake [his] bon bon." Eventually Ricky and his (all male!) pack of friends moved over to the other side of the bar. In related news, your mom had a great vacation. She met Ricky Martin! [NYDN]
• Save the Children, a charitable organization whose mission is unclear, has issued a very, very important statement saying that the Madonna-witch, a nefarious pile of sticks and hair stuffed into a jumpsuit, ought not to make off with adopt another child from Malawi. Currently the calcium deposit wearing a hat has its eye on a poor innocent tyke ironically named Mercy. Save the Children says "it doesn't help to take one child out of an orphanage to a huge palace and buy them a pony." And they're right. If by "huge palace" they mean "crumbling cottage in the deepest, darkest wood" and by "buy them a pony" they mean "pluck out their eyeballs and grind them into sausage." [NYDN]
• Speaking of baby snatching, ugly old woman Giselle Bundchen has claimed that the child of her husband, noted American hero Tom Brady, is "100% mine." She says she gets that the kid like already has a momz and all (poor scorned she-devil Bridget Moynahan), but it doesn't matter. She thinks of the foundling as hers. At press time, a group of ten or so men, upon hearing the news, were camped outside the supermodel's West Village apartment, wearing diapers and oversized bonnets, shaking rattles. [VF]
• Like a revisionist production of Romeo & Juliet set in a deep fryer, pop Lusitania Britney Spears is being kept apart from her true love, paparazzo Adnan Ghalib. Reportedly Britney's dad (and legal caretaker) found a letter, written by Spears, saying "My dad can't keep us apart if I have a baby with you." Luckily for everyone involved the "stamp" was just a "Date Due By" stamp Spears had absentmindedly taken from the library and the envelope was addressed to "Ex Boyfriend, A road somewhere, In the next few days or so." Early reports are also coming in that the return address was simply a crudely-drawn picture of a cat playing Nintendo. [Showbiz Spy]
• Her plan worked. Nadya Suleman is said to be finally getting some attention from her separated-at-astral-birth soul-sister Angelina Jolie. The actress may be considering sending some money to the tabloid star mother of fourteen. When Suleman heard the news, she was apparently so excited she threw a baby out the window, shrieked for awhile, set the house on fire, and fell over dead. So, problem solved! Nice work, Jolie. [Showbiz Spy]

• Dylan Ratigan is quitting as CNBC's Fast Money host, supposedly over disagreements with the producer at whom he yelled, during a commercial break, "Don't ask me to talk about every [bleep]ing e-mail that comes up on the screen. I'm not going to host a [bleep]ing TV show that consists of reading [bleep]ing e-mails to [bleep]ing traders... now is an unwelcome time to hear your voice... You lie to me routinely." It's all on tape. Ratigan is widely expected to explore a collaboration with actor Alec Baldwin. [P6]
• Madonna is determined to adopt a second child from Malawi into her stable, nurturing home. (It's not clear if current "boy toy" Jesus Luz will accompany her to Africa.) [Sun]
  
• If you squint at the data just right, Katie Couric's not in last place: Her CBS Evening News beat NBC Nightly News in the New York TV market for the past six months. Page Six, which has enrolled in Fox News' feud with NBC News, is happily trumpeting this tremendous victory. [P6]
  
• Prince William's girlfriend's friend runs some kind of regular orgy party, supposedly. This marks the British Royal Family's first-ever encounter with scandal of a sexual nature. [Sun]
  
• Method Man has the money to pay his taxes, it's just that, like, the self-described pothead has been avoiding opening his mail for the past seven years. There's totally some checks in there! [Gatecrasher]
• Rihanna showed up to yet another nightspot with yet another guy, and it was reported in yet another tabloid. We get it: The official line is that she's over Chris Brown. Now just please make that actually be true. [P6]
  
• Also: Rihanna got a tattoo of a "tiny gun" above her ribcage. [Scoop]
• Nadya Suleman took two more of her octuplets home from the hospital, but didn't get much attention for it. What a waste. [Us]

• Ashlee Simpson is tired of staying home with Baby Bronx while husband Pete Wentz goes out and parties constantly. These aren't the evenings she'd imagined with the Fall Out Boy bassist; nights of sculpture, harpsichord serenades and hushed readings from the New York Review of Books. Hell, he doesn't even want to boff in front of the mirror any more, much less discuss Chaucer. [P6]
  
• Elizabeth Arden, which has sold Elizabeth Taylor's various fragrance lines, is supposedly trying to arrange memorial ads for the 77-year old actress. On the cheap, since nothing screams "luxury branding" like "pre-death bereavement rates." [P6]
  Jennifer Aniston never would have exploited her relationship with John Mayer for publicity if she'd know she was being used for sex. [Scoop]
• At least two of the pediatric nurses provided free to Nadya Suleman said Octo-Mom is just a terrible mother, mugging for cameras while she ignores some children (cared for by nannies) for 12-hour stretches in a chaotic madhouse with insufficient security. Also, one of her nannies might have tuberculosis. Otherwise, all's well. [People]
• Under the court-ordered supervision of her father, Britney Spears isn't supposed to contact her tricky paparazzo ex Adnan Ghalib, so she sneaks him text messages. He's been ordered by a judge not to communicate with Spears for three years, so he can't write back, but instead has to make small talk with her hairdressers, and hope they'll mention something to her. A thoroughly modern relationship, in other words. [Sun]
• When sweaty Juliette Lewis forgets the lyrics to "YMCA" — seriously? — she tries to distract everyone with an on-stage makeout. [P6]

• Bruce Willis supposedly met his wife, 24 years younger, through scuzzy casting calls he set up for the movie Perfect Strangers. Modeling agencies supplied candidates for minor roles; Willis did the "auditions" and successful candidates got maybe a sex scene or minor speaking role. Suddenly the phrase "what I've always wanted to do is direct" makes a lot more sense. [P6]
  
• Barbara Walters is planning to quit ABC this summer to have more time for herself, according to "industry insiders." [National Enquirer]
• As part of her PR breakup from Chris Brown, Rihanna is "taking a beak" from the relationship, because why do something rash like actually really break up with an abusive boyfriend? In the meantime, cautious Rihanna might buy Jerry Seinfeld's old house, for $7 million.
  
• At Condé Nast, the frugal editors (David Remnick, Ruth Reichl) take the subway; the posh editors still use car services; and the most foolish editors have their limos waiting for them right in front of 4 Times Square, so Si Newhouse knows who to fire. [Post]
• Octo-mom Nadya Suleman was "a stripper," in the sense that she danced topless for one night, and then quit in disgust. Oddly enough, Suleman's now-former nurses had a similar employment experience.
• Natasha Richardson donated her organs. [P6]
• Robert Pattinson never showers. He admitted this like two months ago. Bet his co-stars — "he completely reeks," said one — wish they had read Robert Pattinson Online a bit more diligently.

• Jade Goody, the English Big Brother lightning rod who had her terminal cervical cancer diagnosis broadcast on television, has died at the age of 27. She was home with family in Essex and had been sleeping for a day or so when she passed away early this morning. British Prime Minister Gordon Brown publicly praised her for raising awareness about the disease. [US]
• After it was reported that rapper and world's most revolutionary person M.I.A. had named her baby Ickitt, the Sri Lankan was all "Naws, it ain't Ickitt." Now we learn what the actual, beautiful name is: the more insectoid and/or chemical Ikhyd. Her next two children will be named Aphid and Formaldehyde. [NYDN]
• Natasha Bedingfield and Bruce Willis (while his ex was taking pictures of her butt) got married this weekend. Though not to each other. Also, Calista Flockhart's grizzled old boyfriend Harrison Ford is now her grizzled old fiance. The pair got engaged over Valentine's Day. She said "Yes," and then he threw a Russian terrorist out of an airplane. [Us]
• Michael Jackson, one of our most prominent shadow people, is hoping to adopt another child while he's living in Britain. He reportedly wandered his hotel gift shop, eying the Big Ben salt shakers and Westminster Abbey snowglobes, but then saw a soot-faced young street urchin standing humbly in the corner. A perfect souvenir. He twiddled his long, white, reed-like fingers at the child and cooed at him softly. He then said a few hissing words in Parseltongue to the salesclerk and skittered off to find his wallet. When he got back, the street urchin was gone. But he plans to find another one. In the meantime, he's spending his days causing that creepy rattling sound you hear in your basement. [Showbiz Spy]
• One of Madonna's nannies has been summarily dismissed, after she gave notice that she intended to quit. Angela, an Australian woman who cares for Malawian-adopted David, was told to leave before the notice period had ended. Maddy was apparently furious that the nanny had dared quit. Working for the She Hulk is a 24-hours-a-day type of jorb, as often times she'll get lost in her enormous Top Hat Closet in the middle of the night and need rescuing, or will need to be extracted from Dr. Basil Moriarty's Preserve-o-Matic machine, which she is run through twice a day. It's old and the leather straps that hold some of the pulleys are fraying so sometimes she gets caught halfway between the Gizzard Engorgenator and the Knee Knobbler. [Showbiz Spy]
• Dr. Momtopus has withdrawn two more squirming, pink moneybags from the hospital, the improbably-named Maliyah and Nariyah. As she carried them out to her car, in sacks with dollar signs painted on the sides, she was heard to yell "I sure hope there aren't any paparazzi around to see me WITH MY NEW, CRISP CHILDREN." It's expected that after she takes five more kids out of the hospital, she'll return one more time to find that she's overdrawn the account. "Dammit," she'll curse as she pounds the reception desk. She'll then point to her stomach and say "Well how long will this take to clear?" [People]

Also, congratulations to Zombie Radar for their excellent reporting on the Jade Goody death:


[via Peter Feld]

• A picture has surfaced of middle Jonas Joe—the preening, tight-panted gayest one—doing like Miley Cyrus and making ching chong Chinaman chinky eyes. No one knows when the mysterious, Oriental photo was taken, but he's probably in for exactly as much of a world of hurt as Miley was. Which is to say, none. Because no one really has any frame of reference for figuring out how to deal with perceived racism against Asian folks in this country. (Trust me, I should know.) So! On we soldier. And it's sunny outside! Don't forget to wear your sunglasses. [GossipTeen]
• The Octopus Mom, who gave birth to four hundred children in the last six days, says she's "using denial" as a way of coping with her sudden fame. She never expected it and doesn't want it, she told the guy interviewing her for her daily video blog on new zombie Radar. She then pulled her shirt over her head, breasts flapping in the wind, and said "I don't think I'll ever do a nude scene." [Radar]
• Twilight sex magick vampire who glistens like one of those sparkly-eyed My Little Ponies when he steps into the sun Robert Pattinson has a patented (Pattinsoned? groan) way of scoring chicks. He lowers his head and speaks in his natural British accent. See fellas? It's that easy. Stop taking matters into your own hands (seriously, stop—you're going to pull a muscle) and go out on the town. When you see some pretty lady just go over, lower your head, and speak in your natural British accent. If it comes out more like a Pawtucket squawk, well... Too bad. [Showbiz Spy]
• One time, a chimpanzee peed on Katy Perry. [Showbiz Spy]
• Suri Cruise, rattling, whirring chamber of space secrets, has turned her glassy, knowing seeing devices up to her caregivers Katie Holmes and Klaatu 9 Earth Human Thomas Cruise and asked for a companion. "Baby sis! Baby sis!" she reportedly says, using the standard language for this planet quadrant. It is unclear what the Suri requires from a partner. Perhaps she hopes to halve the processing time it currently takes to sift through the various minerals she must analyze, or perhaps she needs a younger version to 'aimlessly' crawl toward that Army weapons depot, blinking her 'eyes' in rapid succession at key strategic weak spots without arousing suspicion. [Showbiz Spy]
• Lonely, miserable Jennifer Aniston is going to narrate an audio version of a children's book with her father John. She's expected to get choked up several times while reading the simple, wistful sentences, while she imagines a life filled with babies and fulfillment and the comforting, oaky embrace of a strong man, who would hold her and protect her and her children for all time. Noticing her clear distress, her father will reportedly put his hand on her shoulder and ask "What's wrong, my darling?" Sources say she will shake her head and brush away a tear and say "Ohh... nothing. Nothing. I"m fine." She'll then go to her car and listen to Carly Simon's "Coming Around Again" on repeat, over and over again, just sitting there in the parking lot, weeping into the night. [Hollyscoop]

• After Nadya Suleman obtained a new house, two nurses and two nannys, she was finally allowed to take two of her octuplets home. Her hospital wisely checked out the house "several" times to make sure it was safe. Or at least as safe as a warren containing six violent children, a lone parent and reality television crews can be. [People]
• LeAnn Rimes might be married to her former backup dancer, but the country singer has apparently been caught hooking up with Eddie Cibrian, her costar in a TV movie. The glory of Lifetime Network filmmaking and the bright lights of Laguna Beach went to her head! [Us]
  
• MTV is plotting a reality show involving jailed ponzi schemer Lou Pearlman, who basically created 'N Sync and the Backstreet Boys, and a band called Biteboy, who were made pariahs when they tried to exploit the death of a young girl in Florida. He will urge the band to repent and do something productive and meaningful with their lives. Ha ha, just kidding, he will bark instructions for accumulating money and cheap fame at them, over a speakerphone. [Gatecrasher]
• Graydon Carter is staging preview opening of his new Monkey Bar for friends, from whom he will solicit feedback. Specifically, he'd like to know how swiftly and rudely they were ejected by the maître d'; if any are actually seated he's pulling out his investment immediately. [P6]
  
• Justin Timberlake is developing a tequila, so as to ensure that particular spirit ends up as debased by ridiculous, never-ending commercial permutations as vodka. [P6]

The Sundance Film Festival has a new director. John Cooper, a 20-year veteran of the festival who worked in programming, has been moved up to the top spot. Cooper is responsible for instituting many of Sundance's new technological pursuits, including releasing indie shorts on iTunes, Netflix, and for the Xbox 360. Asked how he feels about those particular initiatives, festival founder Robert Redford smiled strangely, nodded his head, and said "Well... sure. Those." [Variety]

Though it's been in the can for four long years, the movie Sahara is still losing people money. Clive Cussler, the author of the novel on which the tale of a swashbuckling adventurer named Matthew McConaughey who's looking for a Civil War warship in the Sahara desert with the help of a lisping Spanish lady and that dude from Out of Sight is based, sued the movie's production company, Crusader, awhile back, claiming that they didn't give him final script approval as promised. Crusader sued back saying that Cussler had lied about the sales figures for his series of books, which they had hoped to turn into a franchise. Crusader won the suit in 2007, the jury awarding them $5 million. Now Cussler has been ordered to pay for their legal fees as well. All summed up, the total cost of Sahara for Cussler? $27 million. A fair price to pay for foisting that film's miseries upon the world. [Variety]

Juan Antonio Bayona, a young apprentice of Guillermo Del Toro's, might be directing the third movie in the Twilight fuckmeplease vampire series, creatively titled Eclipse. It's about an enchanted Mitsubishi that a girl and her sparklenaif undead boyfriend dry hump in and then he gets mad at her and then she eats mushroom ravioli and then he smolders and jumps into trees and then she falls down because she's clumsy and then he smiles and then—I'm sorry little girl, would you like some coffee with that cream? [THR]

Like ants who keep crawling into your house every year to complain a lot, Mormons are once again angry with the current best show on television, Big Love. This time it's because the show is going to depict a sacred, and secret and magical, 'endowment ceremony' in an upcoming episode. It's a long held tradition that the particulars of the ceremony, which prepares you and other people for the eternal afterlife or some such nonsense, be heavily guarded. HBO states that "it was not our intention to do anything disrespectful to the church." Hah, really? Have you seen your show, HBO? Frankly, I don't give a shit what the Mormons are whining about. Actually, I'm going to start sending money from this state into their shitty, wasted desert of a hellhole in an effort to get MORE endowment ceremonies depicted on every TV show possible that has anything remotely to do with Utah. Then I'll laugh at them and ask them how it feels to be meddled with. [THR]

Oh angel Moroni, make it stop. We're just making Nadya 'Octomom' Suleman more powerful. Her two-part appearance on Dr. Phil's Program for Shut-Ins brought the daytime hamfest a 14% rise in ratings. Oprah Winfrey's show for secret alcoholics and lonely gay men living in Coral Gables saw a 22% bump when she showed up for an interview. Feeding off of and growing from this buzzing success, Suleman is next expected to destroy downtown Tokyo. [Variety]

• Despite what Dr. Phil was told, someone's shopping a tape of Octo-Mom giving birth, shot by one of Nadya Suleman's close friends. [TMZ]
• Octo-Mom to Dr. Phil on having her last batch of eight kids: "I wasn't thinking rationally. In retrospect, would I have done that again? I don't know." Having eight more kids while you're still alone and on food stamps with the first six? Ya, that's a tough one. [Us]
• Neel Shah reveals that yoga saved former hooker Ashley Dupre's life. In so doing, he does not once use the phrase "downward dog." Gawker's little intern is all grown up! [P6]
  
• Jeff Zucker likes to watch Jimmy Fallon play with his Wii. [Gatecrasher]
  
• The New York Times crossword editor used "WSJ" as the answer to the clue "Where to read about the [NYSE]." As punishment, he must somehow fit the answer "DealBook by Andrew Ross Sorkin" into one of his future puzzles.
• It's possible Chris Brown will win up to two "Kids' Choice" awards on Nickelodeon. OK, so someone finally devised a scenario that makes us favor uninformed voters and corrupt election officials. It doesn't mean we're over the Bush v. Gore ruling. [People]
  
• If everyone could stop arguing over which ladyfriend is or is not ultimately responsible for the apparently bloody fight between Chris Brown and Rihanna, that would be great. There's exactly one person responsible for Chris Brown's actions. [OK!]
• George Clooney was reportedly so drunk in St. Louis recently he could barely stumble to his hotel. Laugh at him now, and then the next time you're piss drunk realize you're just as bad, except also half as handsome. [Gatecrasher]

Not bad for a single mom on food stamps.

The house was technically bought by Suleman's dad, but TMZ reports the down payment came from a series of recent five-figure deals tied to Nadya — "$15,000 here, $25,000 there," presumably in photo, video and media-access transactions.

As for the child care, that came together after Suleman agreed to go on daytime TV show "Dr. Phil." Host Phil McGraw arranged for a lawyer to smooth over problems between Suleman and a nonprofit that wanted to provide her with "around-the-clock services of skilled neonatal intensive care nurses."

The hitch? Suleman is doing a reality show, and the nonprofit wouldn't allow cameras, so Suleman naturally turned them down. The nonprofit, Angels is Waiting, estimated it would cost of $135,000 per month just to care for Suleman's octuplets, so the mom was rejecting a $1.1 million-per-year child care offer.

But now she gets the child care, the reality show and a house even though America pretty much still hates her. This despite having burned through two publicists and one prospective agent. Who says you need a flack to exploit the media?

(Pic: INF)

The first flack bolted in February after death threats. Then a pro-life agency announced it met briefly with Octo-Mom but wouldn't be representing her.

Now Victor Munoz has dropped Suleman via a Friday-night phone call from New York, where he'd flown to negotiate several business deals. "In good conscience, I can't continue representing Nadya,"
Munoz told People.

Wait, did a flack just say his "conscience" got to him? Did he just now Google "Nadya Suleman" and figure out what he'd gotten into?

Doubtful. More likely: He wasn't able to control the multiple people in Suleman's camp said to be trying to make money or her story. When everyone's trying to hustle a small-time access deal, it makes it downright impossible for the bona fide flack to broker a single, really good transaction, much less exercise any sort of message discipline.

As we said before, even ruthless dictators can find good PR reps. If Octo-Mom can't, it has to do with money, not morals.