You know that actress Maggie Gyllenhaal? No you don't, because she doesn't exist.

"LICKING COUNTY, Ohio" reads the dateline on today's top news story. What sexy things are happening in Licking County, this week?

Beezow Doo-doo Zopittybop-bop-bop has been arrested again on drug charges, only a year after his last run-in with the law.

Welcome to Thatz Not Okay, a regular column in which I school inquiring readers on what is and is not okay. Please send your questions to caity.weaver@gawker.com with the subject "Thatz Not Okay."

Looks like one more staple of Americana was just added to the list of things we'll have to explain to our space-children a thousand years from now when they ask us "What was April 4, 2013 like?" Pork chops are about to be eliminated forever.

Philadelphia, capital city of the United States*, is great at many things. It's great at being within relatively short driving distance of the Jersey shore. It's great at allowing you to bring your own wine to restaurants. The world's largest clothespin is there.

Last month, the Guardian compared the popularity of different names across various groups in Britain—journalists against convicts against corporate directors, for instance ("Ian" fits all three). Among the findings was a Venn diagram comparing the names of current Oxford students to the most popular baby names of…

Every once in a while, a name comes a long that is so fake, so not-real, so obviously made up, that you literally cannot fathom an alternate universe in which it might ever exist.

In case you missed it, yesterday it was revealed that Uma Thurman had taken the names—all the names—for her baby, Rosalind Arusha Arkadina Altalune Florence Thurman-Busson, who will go by "Luna."

The Office of National Statistics for England and Wales has just released the list of the most popular baby names of 2011. The top name for boys was Harry, followed by Oliver, then Jack, but all three of these names might as well have just been MY BALLS, because English people suck at naming kids.

Now that the Cruise/Holmes divorce saga has wrapped up without much fuss, all of us who had looked forward to filling our silences with discussions of its minutiae over the next several months are left scrambling.

If you're as American as I assure you I am, don't even look it up, then you can't be limited to just regular old sugar. Regular sugar is white, but "this land is your land" (multicultural). When you get a mighty hunger after driving your pickup truck to the American football games, nothing will hit that "sweet spot"…

The Social Security Administration's latest list of top baby names has been released, and it offers a fresh look at which names to avoid if you care at all about your kid's individuality.

Kids these days: what the hell are they? That is the question that faces American time-wasters today. As you know, the latest generation with a formal name is "The Millennials," and they are basically the worst, continuing the grand tradition of every new generation being the worst.

Cross-stitched slang phrase
Patent-leather ballet flat
Emoticon-ridden macaroon recipe
Year-round Christmas lights
Unused flea-market typewriter

I recently came to terms with the fact that, if I ever have babies, I will probably give them ridiculous names. (Elbow Macaroni O'Connor.) This is because I lack self-determination and thus am perpetually at the mercy of pointless trends, and also because people with cool names are actually cooler than the rest of us.…