Also...if there's a funny scene in a movie, can we all just laugh a bit and move on? Most of the time, the laughter and discussion of the scene carries on far too long (in my opinion) and we all end up missing the next bit of dialogue which might be key. And you don't have to yammer to the person sitting next to you asking them, "Man, did you see that?" We ALL saw that. We're in the same damn theater.
@A Message To Rudy: Also, if the theater is pretty well empty, consider giving people their personal space. If there are seats a-plenty, you don't have to sit right in front of someone or one seat over or right behind them. Not only is this annoying but it's creepy too. WTF?
Brian, you'll be pleased to know that all these rules and the stress I'm feeling just from reading them has strengthened my resolve to stay out of movie theaters for the foreseeable future. Also, I don't really like movies.
@NerD: Blattella: I nearly strangled someone at Symphony Space in New York City over the kicking. And I haven't been back ever since.
I once got into it with a three or four young teenagers who looked like they were out with their Big Sisters (the program). They simply would not shut up, and in fact got only worse after my entreaties. I got the manager. I figured it's not actually a good thing for kids that age to think it's just fine to disturb other audience members. Their grownup caretakers were having no effect at all.
If you ruin my movie experience, I will ruin yours. It generally takes an hour for the anger to subside anyway.
I avoid the problem of being asked to move over by, when possible, choosing the aisle seat. Sure it may not be the "optimum seat to enjoy the full movie-going experience" blah blah blah, but I can see damn fine from there. It eliminates the "can you move over?" requests and I get to stretch my legs without being pinned in by a stranger. And it helps ease my paranoia by allowing me to bolt from the theater if some shit breaks out. I'll be damned if I'm going to die in a theater because I'm pinned in the center by some idiot and his 15 gallon barrel of popcorn.
Jackie O liked to go to movies in the daytime; I like the idea of legends walking around NYC. In later years she favored arty movies at the Paris, and she and Maurice would sneak in their gourmet sandwiches to snarf loudly while watching Rochelle, Rochelle.
She cut a dashing figure in 1972 when paps caught her exiting the sexy I Am Curious (Yellow) in seedy Times Square, dressed like a spy in her leather trench and famous shades. Naughty Jackie was curious.
Carly Simon has a great anecdote. When she and Jackie would go to a movie, Jackie would always hide in a bathroom stall (with feet up?) until Carly arrived and knocked in code. Wow. One time they had a movie date, and Carly was extremely stressed- Oliver Stone's JFK had just opened, and she had to scramble to find a theater NOT showing that film- Mrs. O couldn't be seen leaving a theater where it played.
Anyway Carly said she was so anxious and stressed about arranging it, the first thing she blurted out when they sat down was, "So, have you seen JFK?
Bullet point: Do not go to the movies with my friend Elizabeth. She will narrate the movie and bleat her thoughts out as they pop into her head about the characters and their outfits. We do not go to the movies together anymore because of the stress it caused me being jackass adjacent.
Nice, Brian. Can you post this somewhere? Preferably on the closed movie theater door after the movie starts, but in a nice short burst that says, "Hey, you, late person, yeah...everything you're about to do...DON'T FUCKING DO IT!"
Can I add this to the list:
For the biggest movie of the month, you know the one, that one everybody north of Jupiter wants to see, the one that is soooo sold out lines have to be formed an hour in advance of seating?Yeah, don't see me and my movie companion standing at the beginning of the line with our foodstuffs waiting nicely, in our pre-movie excited bubbly feeling and bring us down because you want to:
a) Stand a little too close to us angling for a way in
b) Ask inane questions about the movie as if you've never heard of it before in attempts of angling your way in before us
c) Act casually like you're waiting for someone and stand nearly on our feet until a pack of twelve of you show up and inevitably push us twelve people behind you and your first grade class party thereby angling your way in before us
d) Have loud lengthy discussions on your cell phone/with each other/with complete strangers (Us!) about the end of the movie we're currently here to see/the boil on your butt/your fucking boyfriend's brother's sister's aunt who looked at you all retarded the other day, therefore making me want to choke the loving Jesus out of you with Gummi Bears and Pretzel Bites
e) Make your presence known to me in any way while we wait like chattel to see Paranormal Activity which you saw yesterday.
Dude, you should probably just, like, wait 'til Monday night to go see the movie if it's this harrowing to go out in Manhattan for you that you have invented so many rules! I mean, I hate people showing up halfway through the movie and making a big production of hunting down a seat too but it's just a thing that happens too often to really bug me.
Oh! Or go to the Battery Park City cinema - it's always completely empty, even on a Friday night, because honestly, who even wants to be in BPC on a Friday night?
@allyzay: That's great, if we want to watch 2012, but if you want Almodovar and you want to be FIRST DAMMIT then you've usually got to brave one of the big four:
-Angelika
-Sunshine
-Lincoln Plaza
-Lowes Lincoln Square
and the problem with the big four is that only one of them (Lincoln Square) is actually big.
However- for big budget studio stuff, I've found both Battery Park and Loews on 34th Street to be fine alternatives to Times Square and Union Square, and usually with better seats and sound. Kips Bay would work too if they ever fix the projectors.
Nah, see, I am incredibly anal about my moviegoing, but I have to digress on a couple of these rules:
-Saved seat party must be in the theater: not quite. Sometimes I go to the movies with another couple, and I get the tickets. So I say I can hold two seats, max, for people not there yet. I was there early enough to find those two spare seats and you weren't, therefore, suck it, I win. You can't hold an entire row, but you can hold up to two.
-Once someone has been in the theater, and physically sat in their seat, that's their seat. I don't give a fuck if I'm with a party of eight that all get up to dance in the lobby at once- so long as that party was in the theater sitting ass-in-seat at one point, the "maximum two seats saved" rule is voided and your late ass can't sit there. Sorry, but I was there first, so suck it, I win.
-FUCK no I'm not moving over. I want the seat I want. For me it's not about buffer seats, I expect to sit next to someone at a Friday night limited engagement in NYC. It's about my getting there early enough to get the exact seat I want- whether it be because I don't want the surround sound to fill my left ear only, I want to see the entire screen dead even, or it's an OCD thing, I was there and you were not and therefore, suck it, I win.
-This is a serious, honest to god, warning to NYC moviegoers, particularly at The Sunshine, the AMC Empire, or Regal Union Square- if you cut in line and I see you, I can promise you I will sit behind you, get up to buy a large Diet Coke, and "accidentally" spill it on you as I'm walking back from the concession stand. I'm not kidding- I've done this at least eight times that I can remember. If you've seen this happen- it was me, and like the Son of Sam I swear to god I will do that shit again. I know how to make it look like an accident, and I know how to spot it when you oh-so-cleverly pretend to not know there's a line and are all "oh nobody told me where to go and there's nobody here and this theater is so incompetent and" BAM you cut in front of the 50 of us that waited like we were supposed to because you were "confused". Fuck that, and fuck you- I was confused about where that 60 ounces of Diet Coke was going to go until I saw your bitch-ass girlfriend pull that move.
Them's my rules. It would also be great if you shut the fuck up during the film, stop texting (seriously, it's like waving a flashlight around in the dark to anyone behind you), and try not to either smell like a homeless person or eat anything that does (Whoppers, sandwiches with onions, pizza, I'm talking to you).
@OHymenMyHymen: People, it's SO MUCH EASIER going to to the movies in Los Angeles. you can actually walk up to most theatres 10 minutes before a showing and get a ticket and a decent seat without any of this stuff.
I'm with you. i was the movie nazi when i lived in nyc. i'd buy the tickets at 2 online, make everyone get there at LEAST a half hour before to get a semi decent seat. it was a military operation. two of us would get seats, two would get the treats, the rest would use the bathroom, then we'd sit down and watch everyone else scramble.
@OHymenMyHymen: actually, i don't. i hate new york and you'd have to pay me a million dollars to live there again. i am going to be there for three days in two weeks (unfortunately, my friends still live there), and i am already not looking forward to: sexual harassment on the streets and subways, arguing with sexist cab drivers who won't listen to me because I am a woman, the stench of piss and vomit and rotting garbage on the streets, outrageously overpriced drinks and meals I will be consuming in cramped restaurants at a table barely able to seat more than one person, let alone two or three, and the unbearable, punishing freezing, miserable weather. I find new york claustrophobic, overrated, filthy, and soul destroying—the high-priced version of a third world country. it's a dump, but keep telling yourself it's the world's most awesome dump filled with the world's most important and interesting people, so you can justify spending outrageous amounts of money to live in a dirty rat-infested shoebox. or maybe you're lucky and make a million bucks and live in awesome place. which is really the only way to have it in nyc.
I got nothing wrong with people who love new york, but most new yorkers who hate on l.a. are stuck on sunset boulevard because they never bothered to get a driver's license and have to be driven around like they are still a teenager by their friends. btw, sunset blvd is the equivalent of fusing the meatpacking district and times square together in a few short miles. no wonder everyone hates "L.A." I would too.
anyhooooo. this is not meant as a personal attack on 'you,' so hope you don't take i that way.
to get back to the original point: so, no, I think, 'oh, awesome, it's not 30 degrees and miserable outside. it's 70 and sunny. thank god i'm in l.a." it's not perfect here, but the weather nearly makes up for the traffic and the inertia that comes with being part of such a big, spread out place. I got the beach, the mountains, the hills, amazing thai food, mexican food, chinese food, and up-and-coming chefs who cook fine gourmet food. and i don't have to stress out ever again when i go to the movies.
@T-RO: i congratulate you on being the first LAer to defend it!
personally i go between the two a lot and have love for both. i live in brooklyn, so my nabe is nice and my apartment reasonable. it's got its issue, though the way you describe it sounds a lot more like 1977 NYC than 2009 NYC.
i have LA love too. the food is great (korean wins, but look up, and try, starry kitchen), the people are chill, and the arclight absolutely rules. but that fucking traffic makes me want to stab myself in the crotch.
@OHymenMyHymen: the traffic is a killer. i didn't really understand how annoying it was until recently. math like: wow, i spent more time getting to the party in my car and circling the drain parking, than i did actually AT the party. that's very annoying. it would help if i moved out of santa monica, but then i wouldn't have clean air and the beach and major chillaxin'. but the other night i went to an event--left at 6:30, arrived in hollywood at 7:25, spent fully 20 minutes driving around in a circle to find a spot a half-mile away, went to the event for 45 minutes, drove back in 30 minutes. total car time: nearly 2 hours. event time: 45 minutes. stupid, stupid, stupid.
Opening weekend in Manhattan is like descending into the seventh circle of hell. After I nearly got into a fistfight with some idiot and his girlfriend (he answered a phone call and proceeded to have a full-on conversation!), I almost never, ever go opening weekend anymore. I can't deal with the aggravation.
I am going tomorrow night to see Avatar, begrudgingly, because BF my begged. But we'll be 2 hours early.
1. The commercial about "Please Don't Add Your Own Soundtrack to the Movie" refers to You..
2. When the screen says, "Our Feature Presentation" that means shut the fuck up.
I watch other people's stuff if they ask nicely. What if someone is alone? It's not that big a deal unless you think they're asking you to babysit a bomb.
This post makes me so incredibly thankful for the Sundance Kabuki here in San Francisco. Reserved seats that you select online ahead of time, 21+ showings with a bar in the theater, actual restaurants with food that you can bring into the theater with you, the floors are never sticky, and they show almost everything that I want to see. <3 you Kabuki!
@metoometoo: The restaurant food thing would be an issue for me. I can handle someone eating popcorn or candy, but I don't want to sit through a movie while the person next to me is gnawing through a plate of spicy hotwings.
@Atilla the Bun: I've never noticed anyone eating anything obnoxious or messy - the food that you can bring into the theater is mostly small stuff. Cheese plates, personal pizzas, etc. There's another restaurant with a full menu where you can eat before the show, but not bring the food with you.
@Veronica Belmont: Seriously. It's the Kabuki, or the comfort of my own couch and giant flat screen. Occasionally I'll go somewhere else if the movie's been out for a while and I know it won't be crowded, but these comments are bringing back horrible memories of the time I flew EasyJet. No assigned seats is so uncivilized!
(Thinking about this prompted me to go to the Kabuki website to see what's playing. Oh, a special event screening of Howl on January 28th? Balcony bar? Yes, please!)
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I just figure if someone actually does steal something, my liability is worth the amount I was paid to watch it.
I'd also like to add, please stop kicking the back of my seat.
12/18/09
I once got into it with a three or four young teenagers who looked like they were out with their Big Sisters (the program). They simply would not shut up, and in fact got only worse after my entreaties. I got the manager. I figured it's not actually a good thing for kids that age to think it's just fine to disturb other audience members. Their grownup caretakers were having no effect at all.
If you ruin my movie experience, I will ruin yours. It generally takes an hour for the anger to subside anyway.
I love cable.
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She cut a dashing figure in 1972 when paps caught her exiting the sexy I Am Curious (Yellow) in seedy Times Square, dressed like a spy in her leather trench and famous shades. Naughty Jackie was curious.
Carly Simon has a great anecdote. When she and Jackie would go to a movie, Jackie would always hide in a bathroom stall (with feet up?) until Carly arrived and knocked in code. Wow. One time they had a movie date, and Carly was extremely stressed- Oliver Stone's JFK had just opened, and she had to scramble to find a theater NOT showing that film- Mrs. O couldn't be seen leaving a theater where it played.
Anyway Carly said she was so anxious and stressed about arranging it, the first thing she blurted out when they sat down was, "So, have you seen JFK?
"Carly!! Of course not!!", Jackie hissed.
See? -it could be way more complicated!
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Can I add this to the list:
For the biggest movie of the month, you know the one, that one everybody north of Jupiter wants to see, the one that is soooo sold out lines have to be formed an hour in advance of seating?Yeah, don't see me and my movie companion standing at the beginning of the line with our foodstuffs waiting nicely, in our pre-movie excited bubbly feeling and bring us down because you want to:
a) Stand a little too close to us angling for a way in
b) Ask inane questions about the movie as if you've never heard of it before in attempts of angling your way in before us
c) Act casually like you're waiting for someone and stand nearly on our feet until a pack of twelve of you show up and inevitably push us twelve people behind you and your first grade class party thereby angling your way in before us
d) Have loud lengthy discussions on your cell phone/with each other/with complete strangers (Us!) about the end of the movie we're currently here to see/the boil on your butt/your fucking boyfriend's brother's sister's aunt who looked at you all retarded the other day, therefore making me want to choke the loving Jesus out of you with Gummi Bears and Pretzel Bites
e) Make your presence known to me in any way while we wait like chattel to see Paranormal Activity which you saw yesterday.
#fuckers
12/17/09
Oh! Or go to the Battery Park City cinema - it's always completely empty, even on a Friday night, because honestly, who even wants to be in BPC on a Friday night?
12/17/09
-Angelika
-Sunshine
-Lincoln Plaza
-Lowes Lincoln Square
and the problem with the big four is that only one of them (Lincoln Square) is actually big.
However- for big budget studio stuff, I've found both Battery Park and Loews on 34th Street to be fine alternatives to Times Square and Union Square, and usually with better seats and sound. Kips Bay would work too if they ever fix the projectors.
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-Saved seat party must be in the theater: not quite. Sometimes I go to the movies with another couple, and I get the tickets. So I say I can hold two seats, max, for people not there yet. I was there early enough to find those two spare seats and you weren't, therefore, suck it, I win. You can't hold an entire row, but you can hold up to two.
-Once someone has been in the theater, and physically sat in their seat, that's their seat. I don't give a fuck if I'm with a party of eight that all get up to dance in the lobby at once- so long as that party was in the theater sitting ass-in-seat at one point, the "maximum two seats saved" rule is voided and your late ass can't sit there. Sorry, but I was there first, so suck it, I win.
-FUCK no I'm not moving over. I want the seat I want. For me it's not about buffer seats, I expect to sit next to someone at a Friday night limited engagement in NYC. It's about my getting there early enough to get the exact seat I want- whether it be because I don't want the surround sound to fill my left ear only, I want to see the entire screen dead even, or it's an OCD thing, I was there and you were not and therefore, suck it, I win.
-This is a serious, honest to god, warning to NYC moviegoers, particularly at The Sunshine, the AMC Empire, or Regal Union Square- if you cut in line and I see you, I can promise you I will sit behind you, get up to buy a large Diet Coke, and "accidentally" spill it on you as I'm walking back from the concession stand. I'm not kidding- I've done this at least eight times that I can remember. If you've seen this happen- it was me, and like the Son of Sam I swear to god I will do that shit again. I know how to make it look like an accident, and I know how to spot it when you oh-so-cleverly pretend to not know there's a line and are all "oh nobody told me where to go and there's nobody here and this theater is so incompetent and" BAM you cut in front of the 50 of us that waited like we were supposed to because you were "confused". Fuck that, and fuck you- I was confused about where that 60 ounces of Diet Coke was going to go until I saw your bitch-ass girlfriend pull that move.
Them's my rules. It would also be great if you shut the fuck up during the film, stop texting (seriously, it's like waving a flashlight around in the dark to anyone behind you), and try not to either smell like a homeless person or eat anything that does (Whoppers, sandwiches with onions, pizza, I'm talking to you).
12/17/09
I'm with you. i was the movie nazi when i lived in nyc. i'd buy the tickets at 2 online, make everyone get there at LEAST a half hour before to get a semi decent seat. it was a military operation. two of us would get seats, two would get the treats, the rest would use the bathroom, then we'd sit down and watch everyone else scramble.
12/17/09
12/18/09
I got nothing wrong with people who love new york, but most new yorkers who hate on l.a. are stuck on sunset boulevard because they never bothered to get a driver's license and have to be driven around like they are still a teenager by their friends. btw, sunset blvd is the equivalent of fusing the meatpacking district and times square together in a few short miles. no wonder everyone hates "L.A." I would too.
anyhooooo. this is not meant as a personal attack on 'you,' so hope you don't take i that way.
to get back to the original point: so, no, I think, 'oh, awesome, it's not 30 degrees and miserable outside. it's 70 and sunny. thank god i'm in l.a." it's not perfect here, but the weather nearly makes up for the traffic and the inertia that comes with being part of such a big, spread out place. I got the beach, the mountains, the hills, amazing thai food, mexican food, chinese food, and up-and-coming chefs who cook fine gourmet food. and i don't have to stress out ever again when i go to the movies.
it's all good.
12/18/09
personally i go between the two a lot and have love for both. i live in brooklyn, so my nabe is nice and my apartment reasonable. it's got its issue, though the way you describe it sounds a lot more like 1977 NYC than 2009 NYC.
i have LA love too. the food is great (korean wins, but look up, and try, starry kitchen), the people are chill, and the arclight absolutely rules. but that fucking traffic makes me want to stab myself in the crotch.
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12/17/09
I am going tomorrow night to see Avatar, begrudgingly, because BF my begged. But we'll be 2 hours early.
12/17/09
2. When the screen says, "Our Feature Presentation" that means shut the fuck up.
I watch other people's stuff if they ask nicely. What if someone is alone? It's not that big a deal unless you think they're asking you to babysit a bomb.
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(Thinking about this prompted me to go to the Kabuki website to see what's playing. Oh, a special event screening of Howl on January 28th? Balcony bar? Yes, please!)