The whole image of America as a shiny land of big money, big cars, and big food on big plates is really played out and passé, at least since we can't afford those things any more. Now it's Indian chic! Manila magic! The ambiance of Bombay and the mystique of Lagos add up to make us a truly global nation!

Still driving an SUV? Can it in favor of a scooter taxi! Scooter taxis are good for drunk people, and you are one of those, probably because of despair over your adjustable rate mortgage.

Still paying outrageous full price for cigarettes? Take advantage of the Indian cigarette vendors while you still can! Once Bloomberg puts them out of business, you'll be reduced to smoking loosies and beedies again, which will literally kill you.

Still drinking fancy robot-produced chemical drinks like Coca-Cola, or Popov Vodka? The new drink of "choice" is coconut water! It's delicious, and when you're eventually forced to abandon the rubble of America and float to Jamaica on a raft in search of work, you won't feel so awkward drinking out of a coconut, on the side of the road. You will have already acquired a taste for coconut juice! And human blood.

Still buying expensive "art" at auctions? Why not just loot stolen Picasso paintings from war-torn Iraq? Why do you think we went there in the first place?

Americans!
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One of the sweetest sounds in the world was Corky making the rounds up here on the executive floor, saying in his laid-back voice, "I feel like boffing some bimbos in the Caribbean. Anybody like to come along?"

It's almost like you're right there on the executive floor. Anyhow the writing's not bad as long as you can forget that this story was almost certainly inspired by Tom Wolfe standing in a long line at the airport.
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When Gawker first introduced comments, they were an exclusive club. As we've grown, we've opened up the doors more and more, and our comments have become, to be charitable, more freewheeling. Today, we the editors are taking control back with what we're calling "featured comments" as the place directly under posts to gather the best of the best, as decided by your tireless editors and star commenters.

But before I get into that, a few other changes:

• You have 15 minutes after you leave a comment to edit it. So, please, no more comments pointing out your typos.
• There are new tools to easily upload images and YouTube videos. Use them!
• Comment threads are only viewable by reverse chronology, just like on Facebook and Twitter.

Now about those star powers. The editors are the only ones who can give you a star, and we'll be giving them out to the commenters we trust the most. This means that many people who have stars now will be losing them. But for those who keep their stars, your comments will automatically appear in the featured comments, and you will have the ability to promote non-star comments up to the top level. In fact, just replying to a comment will bump up to the front page. You'll also see all of the unapproved comments left by new users and can approve the ones that you think are up to snuff. But use your powers wisely. We're going to be taking a closer look at who's doing what. Use your star powers to make mischief, and we'll take them away.

So what kind of comments are we looking to feature? We're giving more prominence to the featured comments because we've realized that they go a long way to setting the tone of the site. So, we want them to be an addition to what we post, not just an open-forum place to rant. We want to feature comments that are first and foremost about the post they're left on. They may add information, be a well-reasoned critique, a particularly funny line or, if you're named in the item, a rebuttal. Oh, and proper grammar counts. What we're not looking for: snark for snark's sake, comments about Gawker, IM-like conversations, attacks on your editors, comments pointing out how stupid other comments are (do not engage the trolls) and basically anything else that we don't like.

There are no doubt going to be plenty of glitches and bugs, and please email those to me. As for any other questions, ask away in the comments.

For reference, here's our overlord Nick Denton's rundown on the new changes:

Six months later, we're finally ready to go live with the Ganja power commenting system across the nine sites of Gawker Media. Here's why we've overhauled the comments — and a summary of the key changes you'll notice on the sites later today. There will be some glitches and many complaints — but the new system is elegant, already rich in editorial possibilities with so much more to come. It's an enormous accomplishment by the tech team in Budapest, New York — and Kansas City.

1. THE PROBLEM

As a site gets bigger, the comments tend to get busier — and sometimes more annoying. Our titles are no exception. Deadspin's had to contend with a war between the daytime and nighttime users; Jezebel editors battle for control with a politically-correct mob; perceptions of Gawker are set by a small group of glib and bitchy commenters. All sites that are growing as rapidly as ours have something like this problem — and one that can't be solved simply by banning the offenders or applying more strictly our approval process.

It can't be solved because the most pernicious comments don't come from trolls or spammers. Those can be easily identified and barred. What ruins a good discussion is what we could call the chatty commenter. They may be a devoted reader, someone we don't have the heart to ban. But they only occasionally contribute something to the sum of human knowledge. And the chatty commenters — because there are so many of them — set the tone. Their presence puts off the subjects of items — or other people with something interesting to say.

So we need to introduce another level — the power commenter — to the hierarchy. We used to refer to our comment environment as a club — with a velvet rope to keep the riff-raff out on the street. Well, now the club is too busy. If we're going to maintain credibility, we need a the equivalent of a VIP room. We'll populate the VIP room by giving special privileges to star commenters. They'll get prominence and space — as will their guests. And — we hope — it will be this salon that sets the tone of discussion.

Our comments have stood out amid the illiterate abuse and empty-headed wittering of the rest of the internet; we're going to make sure it stays that way as the audience continues to expand.

2. THE KEY CHANGES

* Privileges for star commenters (see below)
* Image and video embedding in comments
* Comment threads switched (like Facebook and Twitter) to reverse chronological order
* Related stories show to the right of each post (and a few other design changes)
* Comments can now be edited (for 15 minutes after publishing)

3. RIGHTS OF A STAR COMMENTER

* A gold star next to each commenter's name (as now)
* Comments given priority and published immediately after post
* A star commenter can see comments even before a moderator has approved them
* By replying to any comment, a star commenter can give it priority
* Promotion of another's comments to the featured section

4. THE FUTURE

* Many more items such as interviews, live chats, live blogs, contests and photo pools
* Web submission and publishing of tips
* Discussion forums around personalities and topics
* Commenting via Twitter
* Rebuttal rights for the subject of an article
* Commenters able to call on friends or colleagues for support in an online discussion

This is all sort of an experiment, but the idea is that you can follow everything our group — which includes, for starters, directors, producers, and other film industry types — tweets about the festival in our Tribeca Twitter Room or on Twitter itself by following StalkingTFF which will (soon, tech tells me) collect all of their Tribeca-related tweets.

As we go along, we may be adding more people (and if you're attending the festival and would like to be added to the list, email me) but without further ado, I'd like to introduce the fine group of people who've very nicely agreed to be a part of this:

Michelle Byrd (MByrd) has been Executive Director of Independent Filmmakers Project since 1997. The organization has fostered early work by filmmakers like Charles Burnett, Jim Jarmusch, Barbara Kopple, Michael Moore, Mira Nair, Kevin Smith and Edward Burns. Michelle has served as a juror at the Sundance Film Festival, been awarded the Made in New York tribute by Mayor Bloomberg and sits on the boards of Artists Public Domain, the Adrienne Shelly Foundation and the New York Production Alliance.

Matt Dentler (MattDentler) is the head of marketing and programming for Cinetic Rights Management, a sister company of Cinetic Media in New York. He spent five years as the producer of the SXSW Film Conference & Festival in Austin, Tex., and currently sits on the Board of Directors for the Austin Film Society. He is the executive producer of PJ Raval and Jay Hodges' documentary feature Trinidad.

Jeff Deutchman (JeffDeutchman) is manager of acquisitions at IFC Films where he acquires films for IFC's day-and-date program, as well as Festival Direct, an electronic arthouse for independent films. Films he has acquired include Barry Jenkins' Medicine for the Melancholy, Kim Ji-woon's The Good, The Bad, The Weird, Matthew Newton's Three Blind Mice, Hong Sang-soo's Night and Day and Bruce McDonald's Pontypool.

Howard Gertler (HowardGertler) is a partner with Tim Perell in Process which has produced the 2009 releases Last Chance Harvey, The Rebound and World's Greatest Dad, starring Robin Williams, which premiered at Sundance. Process' past features include Bart Freundlich's Trust the Man and John Cameron Mitchell's Shortbus. The company is currently putting together projects with directors including Scott Coffey, Kris Isacsson, Jesse Peretz, JT Petty and Chris Sivertson.

Armando Iannucci (Alannucci) is the director and cowriter of British political comedy In the Loop, which is screening in Tribeca's Spotlight section. He has written and directed the BAFTA-winning shows I'm Alan Partridge and The Thick of It and fronted his own satirical shows for BBC 2 and Channel 4. He started his career as a music and comedy presenter on Radio Scotland.

Ian Mohr (mohris) is VP at Goldsmith-Thomas Prods. in New York. He was formerly the Box Office Editor at Variety and a reporter covering the indie beat for the trade. He also served as the New York Bureau Chief at The Hollywood Reporter

Jared Moshé (jaredmoshe) is a NY based producer and the president of Sidetrack Films. He has produced films such as Beautiful Losers, Low and Behold, Destricted and Kurt Cobain About a Son. Current productions include Give Us This Day and The King of the B's: The Independent Life of Roger Corman.

Ryan Werner (ryanatifc) is VP of Marketing at IFC Films. He has been involved with the launch of IFC's day-and-date theatrical and video-on- demand program, and IFC FESTIVAL DIRECT, an electronic film festival available on your movies on demand channel. Recent and upcoming films he's worked on are Steven Soderbergh's Che, Gus Van Sant's Paranoid Park, Christian Mungiu's 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days and Matteo Garrone's Gomorrah.

Rob Williams (robbywilliams09) Rob Williams is VP Film Acquisitions and Distribution for Liberation Entertainment, a Los Angeles based media company. Current releases include Tokyo! directed by Michel Gondry, Leos Carax and Bong Joon ho and Frost/Nixon: The Complete Interviews.

Make it stop:

• Washington Post: "We Never Do Random Things. Until We Do."
• USA Today: "Facebook friends share '25 Things' with the world"
• Dallas Morning News: "Millions expose themselves online with '25 random things'"
• Examiner: "25 Things—The modern day chain letter"
• Columbus Dispatch: "Facebook fad gets personal"

You think we couldn't go on up to 25? We totally could. But that would be old news. The meta-stories (hello!) have already started:

• NBC LA: "25 Things Articles Arriving as Fast as 25 Things Lists"

Soon we will all be dead.

Not to get too wordy (you can read all the New things here), but when you first decide that you will assemble an issue of "All New" things and then set out on a desperate search to fill your quota of All New things, your All New issue will be contrived. It's inevitable (we all do it, hey!). The only way it would have any serious value would be if, staggered by the sheer volume of All New things that he encountered in American life, Adam Moss decided that he would be missing the story by not doing an All New issue. That is not what this is. This is an intellectual parlor game, sparked by the Obama election (also, "The Truly Radical Politics of Barack Obama"? Must have been written before all those cabinet picks). It's like a fancy New York version of Scattergories.

In November we asked, "Has our national craving for the Next New Thing now surpassed the supply of actual Next New Things?" Well the answer is obviously yes, okay, and really it was a rhetorical question to begin with. When things suck as much as they do now, people don't need new things. Old things from when everything didn't suck so much would be just fine, thanks.

[NY Mag]

• NYT today: "The Mustache is Inching its Way Back"
• NYT, 11/2/06: "One Hairy Lip, a Mix of Messages": Hey, Borat, etc! Mustaches are back!
• NY Mag, 8/6/06: "What Your Facial Hair Is Really Saying": Ladies these days dig the 'stache! It's the craziest thing.
• 5/16/06: Beard and Mustache Championships, here in New York? The mustache is back, ladies and gentlemen!
• 4/10/03: "Salon reports that the mustache is back."

[Pic via]