• Rihanna finally acknowledged a series of pornographic self-portraits that, until now, were merely rumored to be of her. She said in a radio interview that they were for "my boyfriend at the time" (almost definitely Chris Brown) and "if you don't send your boyfriend naked pictures, then I feel bad for him." She sent her mother flowers before calling her to break the news that the world was about to see her daughter's naughty parts. This is Emily Post's recommended method for informing loved ones of an an impending sex scandal. [People]
• 
  
• Tiger Woods Lover #2 kissed-and-told to basically anyone who would listen, including her coworkers, who she made listen to the infamous voicemail where Tiger asks her to remove her name from outgoing messages so his wife doesn't catch him making sweet mistress love. [TMZ]
• 
  
• Speaking of Jaimee Grubbs' phone records, the rumored sexy text messages are out, and they include declarative sentences like "I will wear you out" and "Hey, it's Tiger." [NYDN]
• 
  
• "The War's Over": LiLo and SamRo have made peace. It's like peace in the Middle East, but even more promising, because it has the potential to turn into hot lesbian sex any minute now. John Mayer is well aware of this, as he is the one who brokered the deal, which ended with hugs and "a scantily clad blond." (Is the use of the masculine form purposeful here?) [P6] [Gatecrasher]
• 
  
• 50 Cent carries $25,000 on his person at all times "just in case," and because he's so intimidating, nobody will ever try to mug him, anyway. [JustJared]
• 
  
• Nick Jonas : Jonas Brothers :: John : The Beatles [Us]
• 
  
• Natalie Portman was a teenage loser. Her first time drunk was at college (and she went to Harvard, so it was probably nerdy drinking) and she didn't try pot until she was in her 20's. And then she dated Devendra Banhart, a man whose life is one long psychedelic haze, [exhibit A.] so that must have been enlightening. [P6]
• 
  
• Jennifer Lopez's lawyer says her sex tape doesn't even have sex in it. Ojani Noa says he never meant to promote the footage as a sex tape, just that he wants to turn his 11+ hours of home video into a "mockumentary," which is a really stunning word choice, on multiple levels. [People]
• 
  
• Will Ferrell wants to play Simon Cowell: "I see a lot of Ron Burgundy in Simon Cowell." Genius. [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• Dylan Lauren, daughter of Ralph, is engaged in a sticky-sweet game of corporate espionage. Dylan, who owns NYC candy store Dylan's Candy Bar, has reportedly been "sneaking around taking photos of her rival," Sugar Factory, which has more celebrity patrons. A Sugar Factory rep's diplomatically snide response: "We are flattered Dylan's looking to us for inspiration." Burn! [P6]
• 
  
• National Enquirer has the most adorable article-thingee accepting Newsweek's recognition for the tab's contribution to "one of it's top scandals of the decade," the John Edwards-Rielle Hunter affair. You can almost see Enquirer Ed-in-Ch David Perel's cheeks glowing as he sings with pride: "He then engineered a cover-up that was Nixonian in its cynicism... Six months later, the Enquirer caught Edwards... Call it definitive proof that investigative journalism still matters, no matter what you think of where it originated." [Enquirer]
• 
  

  Exhibit A.
  

Nick has Type I Diabetes, and he packed a Senate Homeland Security (?) and Governmental Affairs Committee briefing today with girls and their moms as he said some things about helping sick kids, or something, no one really payed much attention to what he said so much. A girl even fainted!

Politico's Pat Gavin got pictures of the crowd and the kids! And videos!

And he depressed Washington Times videographer and Yoga studio owner Liz Glover!

Yesterday, Nick met New Jersey Senator Frank Lautenberg (WHOOO!!!) at his office, where, according to the AP, "roughly a dozen Capitol Hill interns waited quietly across the hall from Lautenberg's office for a glimpse of Jonas."

And then he sprayed the entire subcommittee with a fire hose. Meanwhile the Senate will probably enter the July recess with the health care bill still in committee.

[Top photo: AP]

• Leonardo DiCaprio has dumped his latest supermodel girlfriend, Bar Refaeli, because she wanted to get serious and settle down to start a family. Meanwhile, Leo has been spotted out and about in New York City trying to pick up girls in downtown bars. You've been warned ladies. [People]
  
  
• Miley Cyrus has dumped that little boyfriend of hers, Justin Gaston, and has set her sights on winning the heart of Nick Jonas. Surely Disney has absolutely nothing to do with all of this, right? [Star]
  
  
• Britney Spears just didn't feel comfortable giving her agent at William Morris only 10% of what she earns, so now she's banging him on the regular as well. [TMZ]
  
  
• Lauren Conrad's sure to be horrible novel, L.A. Candy, sounds a lot like an autobiography of her pampered little life, except Lauren's name in the book is "Jane" and Brody's name is "Ignatius." Actually we're kidding about the Brody part. [Daily News]
  
  
• Mark-Paul Gosselaar said that his live performance as "Zack Morris" on Jimmy Fallon's show the other night was the most "anxious and nervous" he's ever been in his life. [Starpulse]
  
  
• David Carradine made a slew of purchases at his favorite Los Angeles sex toy shop only weeks before his tragic death-jerk, or at least that's what the Ninjas who killed him want us to believe! [TMZ]
  
  
• Colin Hanks recently became engaged to his flack and as a gesture of appreciation for marrying her son, Rita Wilson gave the lucky fiance a $10,000 handbag. [Page Six]
  
  
• Chris Martin says that if his Goop-y wife Gwyneth ever left him, he'd probably just quick Coldplay and embark on a solo career. We're not sure what one has to do with the other, but whatever. [Sun]
  
  
• Michael Jackson is demanding that he have a children's choir to back him up on stage and travel with him on his upcoming comeback tour. [Mirror]
  
  
• Usher has barely been married for two years and he's already running around on his wife and doesn't even seem to be trying to hide it. [Page Six]

Band member Nick Jonas told Newsbeat: "For us it's cool to see that he recognises we are gentlemen."

...The question is, did Brand misjudge the audience?

Kevin Jonas replied: "I think he focussed on certain things and didn't move off of them. People's attention spans in America need more than that."

We'd crack a joke about Kevin's low estimation of our attention spans, but we already forgot what we were going to say. No matter, as Brand seems to have taken the criticism to heart, according to Rolling Stone's backstage account:

“And I’d like to take this opportunity to say, ‘No one ever have sex again. It’s a mad idea. What a crazy way to spend an evening.’ ” Brand said he had a “lovely time” hosting the awards. “I do think it was a comeback for Britney,” he said. “This is the resurrection of Britney Spears. I saw stigmata. And, I liked when Lil Wayne leaned over and touched my legs. I think he might be from another world and he has a message for us all.” Brand also called Republicans “evil” and suggested “we need to return to socialism.”

While we can't imagine why Brand saved his Socialist jokes until the ceremony was concluded, we feel moved to defend the comedian; without his bluntly political jokes and sexual mockery, the show might as well have aired on the Disney channel. If MTV has to make stars out of clean-cut teens, we'd prefer them to be "not that innocent" and prone to writhing around with big, phallic snakes.

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Jonas Brothers react to Brand [BBC]
• Backstage at the VMAs: Britney Basks in Her Wins, Brand Condemns Sex, Linkin Park Rate the Night [Rolling Stone]

But this week's seismic release of the new Jonas Brothers album A Little Bit Longer — and the ensuing tear-streaked, hair-gnawing tween bedlam (best evinced by the accompanying snapshot from the group's recent TRL appearance) — has us taking the Jonases' impact much more seriously. After all, today's young pop heroes are tomorrow's clinically wasted reality TV icons; on that basis alone their soaring stars deserve a closer look and deeper understanding — or at least a handy Defamer fact sheet for your water-cooler convenience. Everything you need to know is after the jump.

I. KNOW YOUR JONASES

(Then there's "bonus Jonas" Frankie (a/k/a "Frank the Tank"), who, at 7 years old, is too young for non-Chosen Blob editorial consideration at Defamer.)

Legend has it Nick was discovered singing at a New Jersey barbershop around the time of his last haircut at age 6. Broadway followed for him and Joe; Nick was signed to Columbia shortly thereafter, at which time they were conveniently bundled for their 2006 debut It's About Time.

II. KNOW THEIR CANON

This week's A Little Bit Longer is the Jonas Brothers' third full-length album and their first to revive a discarded Spinal Tap title. Their preceding albums — It's About Time (2006) and The Jonas Brothers (2007) — each broke the Billboard Top 100, with the latter album peaking at #5. The new one is expected to debut at #1. The brothers have made their biggest impact in the cutthroat genre of Abbreviated Gerund Rock, with the hits "Burnin' Up" and "Pushin' Me Away" each receiving unprecedented download action at iTunes.

Their film and TV work is equally impressive, with their guest-starring breakthrough in Cyrus's Best of Both Worlds concert film opening the door for their monumental musical Camp Rock — the soundtrack to which was another smash. The movies cemented them alongside Cyrus among the Disney Channel's most influential draws. (Nick and Miley's eventual romance was its own drama, but we'll get to that.) A Camp Rock sequel is forthcoming, as are a reality show and concert film based on their current, sold-out, hormonally corrosive concert tour.

III. KNOW THEIR ACCOLADES

The Jonases won six Teen Choice Awards in 2007, including "Choice Summer Song" for "Burnin' Up" and a three-way tie for "Choice Hottie." Critics are falling in line as well, with Rolling Stone offering A Little Bit Longer four stars and esteemed MySpace critic IHeartDjDanger persuasively adding:

"THE WHOLE CD IS AMAZING THOUGH!! after I listened to it, I was like "NOW I'M SPEECHLESS OVER THE EDGE I'M JUST BREATHELESS!" AHH, i ALSO LOVE sHELF!! oooh, and I love the second verse of can't have you sooooooooo much!!! it is so awesome when you repeat the lines all eachoey!!

IV. KNOW THEIR STYLE

Upmarket, overproduced boy-pop cheese, with lots of collars, blazers, denim, ties, fruity scarves, hair products, pitchy vocals and derivative culture riffs, a potent mash perhaps best depicted in this excerpt of their video for "Burnin' Up":

V. KNOW THEIR LOVE LIVES

Love lives? What love lives? The super-wholesome Jonas Brothers, evangelical sons of an ex-pastor, wear purity rings and have vowed abstinence until marriage. Nevertheless, Nick is very publicly the poster child for Disney Channel incest, having had successive relationships with Cyrus and now (allegedly!) Selena Gomez. OMG they are so cuuuuute! Alas, Miley begs to differ. Meanwhile, Joe has been linked to country singer Taylor Swift, with one gossip blogger saying the two retreated to his hotel room last night for Joe's birthday. Ewww gross. Kevin is unofficially connected to slightly downmarket actress/model/vocalist Zoe Myers.

You, too, can date a Jonas by following a few easy steps enumerated by the brothers this week in the estrogen maelstrom that was TRL:

VI. KNOW THEIR EMPIRE

The Jonases reportedly earned a measly $12 million in 2007 — a number certain to spike by the end of 2008 after another ongoing, sold-out tour. They recently closed on a $2.8 million mansion in a gated enclave outside Dallas, with each brother's wardrobe getting its own bedroom and where the boys are safer than ever from temptations such as girls, drugs and actual rock music.

VII. KNOW YOUR FUN FACTS

· Nick Jonas is a Type-1 diabetic.

· Ali Lohan chose an East Hampton, N.Y., Jonas Bros. concert last weekend to unveil her fantastic new breasts.

· Joe Jonas is literally known to prize his hair above all other worldly possessions.

· Kevin Jonas's favorite food is sushi.

· Nick claims to have written the brothers' hit "S.O.S." in 10 minutes.

· At any given time, as many as 20 people at once are watching "Burnin' Up" on YouTube.

· Their bodyguard Big Rob keeps a blog of his Jonas-protecting exploits and is the guest rapper heard on "Burnin' Up."

Again, we're new to this, so please help us help you by filling in any noteworthy blanks below. The world needs to know.

miasma-protege's new line beats the original, "Let Me Get You Some Coffee To Put That In"

Unlike those many photos of Miley kissing recently stolen ex-boyfriend Nick Jonas, Hilary Duff and some rando old man, Cyrus was mysteriously photographed in a series of heavy lip-locks with the not-so-famous fellow crooner Thomas Sturges this month, a little-known singer who is said to be another ex of the apparently quite experienced Miley. We don't know about you, but when we were 15, we were still trying to get the tall blond boy who doodled cartoons during chem lab to at least lock eyes with us just once, let alone come within tongue-twisting distance. But luckily for Miley, all these presumably distressing photo leaks have landed her a potentially lucrative spokesperson job offer for Lifestyles Condoms, who claim her virgin-esque image is ideal as an "influential" face for the brand. Plus, they're offering the uber-mature tween a lifetime supply, "for when the time is right." Which, we have to assume, was approximately one year ago. The silver lining? Miley is "super sorry" about ripping rival Selena Gomez apart on YouTube! Because, like, "Elvis said imitation is the greatest form of flattery!" And, like, Miley is way richer than Elvis and way more important, so quoting him quoting an 18th century writer sounds way smart and stuff!

[Photo credits: Oceanup.com via Celebslam]

• MORE MILEY CYRUS PHOTO LEAKS [CelebSlams]
• MILEY CYRUS SORRY FOR MOCKING SELENA GOMEZ IN YOUTUBE VIDEO [Fox News]
• CONDOM MAKER SEEKS ENDORSEMENT DEAL WITH MILEY CYRUS [NYDN]

The NY Daily News is reporting that Gomez, the sultry-ish star of The Wizards Of Waverly Place, has been dating yet another 15-year old, singer Nick Jonas. As many of you may know (however embarrassing it is to admit), Jonas is the rumored intended recipient of most of Cyrus' kissy-face iPhone photos and pouty shower shots that hit the Internets recently. While Jonas is admittedly cute in an adolescent John Mayer sort of way, we don't see why a break-up with the kid should prompt Miley into such bitter antics. Making fun of Gomez and her alarmingly sexy best friend / fellow Disney star Demi Lovato in this clip, Cyrus drops some low-blows about the gap in Lovato's teeth (one that has since been fixed) and the fact that Lovato wears a touch of black make-up (and looks just fine in it). However, the attack seems to be backfiringl, mainly because Miley — who frequently succumbs to giggle attacks and slurring throughout the vid — made her rep as the good girl next door and not as a conniving backstabber (or, for that matter, as an burgeoning anti-Semite with her use of the word "scheisty"). Fasten your seatbelts, it looks like we have another Lohan vs. Duff feud brewing as we type.

• MILEY CYRUS MOCKS SELENA GOMEZ ON YOUTUBE [Us]
• MILEY CYRUS EX NICK JONAS DATING SELENA GOMEZ, THE 'NEXT MILEY CYRUS' [NYDN]

Over the weekend, an entrepreneurial online hacker going by the telling name of "Trainreq" posted the two photos of Miley playing dress-up with her iPhone and picking up on that whole wet t-shirt trend to the right and, according to alleged time stamps, they were taken in October 2007, meaning Miley had yet to blow out her 15th birthday candle. Adding an exclamation point to this latest Cyrus Photo Scandal is the hacker's claim that he has "worse pictures" than these. So where oh where could such an underage girl get the inspiration for "artfully" done point-and-zoom collections? Oh, right.

From her Where My Cokepants At? shoot with mother of the century Dina, to enlisting C-listers like Vanessa Minnillo to eat her top off for her, Lindsay Lohan has been a fan of grainy amateur photo shoots for years. Even an occasion as non-momentous as Jeremy Piven's birthday serves as an excuse to put on her best nude-hued bikini and imitate a call girl. So for those of you embarrassingly salivating at Miley and her prematurely dirty mind? Make sure to send a thank-you note to Lindsay and her bountiful assets, without which little girls everywhere wouldn't even know how to mangle their pout into "sexy" mode.

[Photo credits: Egotastic, AOL, Nerve]

• MILEY CYRUS (NOT) NAKED IN THE SHOWER, PLUS A WHOLE NEW SEX SCANDAL [Egotastic]
• MILEY CYRUS NUDE PHOTO [Allies Wireless]

Most recently, those Playboy-esque shots of Miley allegedly created for Nickelodeon heartthrob Nick Jonas caused quite the sensation, but lo and behold, here we have an actual shot of the two making out. And back in 2006 when she was just 14, she was snapped kissing a very crush-worthy guy named Thomas Sturges, though the press has yet to get any background information on who the lucky guy was. And not to be picky or anything, but Miley kinda already kissed her co-star Cody Linley in her wildly successful Hannah Montana movie. Sure, it was "acting," but if it looks like a kiss, walks like a kiss and salivates like a kiss, it sure as hell counts.

Even more baffling is why the pap agencies are so eager to discover this infamous first Miley Cyrus kiss when photos of her playing tongue twister with a girlfriend have been circling for months. Not to mention this past January's red carpet appearance when Miley lunged in for the kill on little miss Ashley Tisdale. Just a bit of advice to the "tsunami" of paps awaiting that cash money shot: feel free to shoot us an email and we'll haggle a bit over the price, k?

[Photo credits: Dotspotter, Poponut, Wallpaperama,
, Backseatcuddler]

• PAPARAZZI HAVE THEIR LENSES ON MILEY CYRUS [LAT]

• OMG smoking gun: Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson are hugging and holding hands and putting their faces close together and everything! It's nearly almost practically lesbian kissing, and thus proof that they are girlfriends in that way. [Egotastic] (Photo via Egotastic)
• Yesterday it was reported that singer Amy Winehouse "fled her home, claiming ghosts were trying to harm her." Today the ghosts kept her from showing up on time to accept a prestigious songwriting award for her tune "Love Is A Losing Game." Wait, I think I know this ghost — kind of smoky, likes to hang around glass?
• Hooker-loving actor Charlie Sheen is — go figure! — having a very nasty divorce from Denise Richards, and yesterday he and his friends spread word about the $52,000 per month in tax-free child support Richards gets from Sheen, plus a disputed email in which she asked for access to Sheen's sperm. Today Richards fired back with a purported text message from Sheen: "I hope you and your worthless retarded father get cancer and join your stupid mom. Rot in hell you [bleeping] whore." [P6]
• Tom Cruise had his lawyers threaten a baby boutique owner for supposedly leaking to the press false info that Cruise and wife Katie Holmes spent upwards of $350,000 on baby clothes for Suri in just two years. That money was specifically earmarked for stuck-thetan dry cleaning, and Cruise has the receipts to prove it! [TMZ]
• Can Miley Cyrus ever say no when asked to pose for racy photos? This time it was fellow teen star Nick Jonas who did the asking, and Annie Leibovitz hadn't even put her under hypnosis yet. [Oceanup]
• The woman who voices Lisa Simpson filed for divorce from her husband. E! Online wrote that the divorce came "despite having all the answers on The Simpsons," while TMZ decided to go with "Lisa Has A Cow."