• Oprah once dedicated an episode on domestic violence to all "the Rihannas in the world," which Chris Brown described as a "slap in the face" because he has helped Oprah and Africa and the world, so he deserves respect and Oprah can suck it and should have offered assistance. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Rihanna has clearly moved on from Chris Brown: the singer has been running around Los Angeles with Travis London, who has been "linked," whatever that means, to Mary-Kate Olsen. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Susan Boyle's album, which comes out in November, has hit Amazon's number one music slot, which means she's beating out the legendary Whitney Houston. That's got to hurt. [3am]
  
  
• The Miss Universe court has confirmed that Donald Trump helps pick the top 15, but absolutely promise the top ten are picked by outside judges. [Page Six]
  
  
• When Jerry Powers sold out his Ocean Drive magazine to Niche Media, he signed a noncompete contract. But now he's suing to be released so he can start a new glossy and publish a teen-targeted non-profit publication, which Niche rudely considers competition. [Page Six]
  
  
• Celebrity baby fans, pay attention: Idina Menzel and Taye Diggs have welcomed their first child, a son named Walter, into the world. Rejoice! [NYDN]
  
  
• Crazed fans held up filming on Sex and the City Sequel when they swarmed Cynthia Nixon, forcing her to barricade herself in her trailer until enough holy water could be delivered. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• A tabloid recently ragged on Russell Crowe for eating tacos and smoking while he was meant to be riding his bike with a trainer. Not one to let others make an ass of him, Crowe has now challenged the gossip columnist to a two-wheeled duel. [Mirror]
  
  
• Speaking of hold ups, Nike has put off plans to release the late DJ AM's shoe line. The company and his family have discuss the "next step in terms of release." Does that mean money? [TMZ]

*Considered worse by strident advocates of the homosexual agenda, of course.**
**Asterisk usage stolen from Moe.

[via Copyranter at Animal. Pic is in the West 4th St. subway station in NYC.]

Maybe the slogan isn't "translating" to an imagined demographic or psychographic of shoe wearers they are trying to target.** Maybe AdBusters made fun of it and they are hurt. Whatever. So they "soft"-launch a new slogan that is invariably totally lame. Last time it was the Special Olympics-y "I Can" and aside from that being totally lame they got sued because someone else thought of it first. But this time the new slogan, targeted at young women in Europe, could be even worse. Because it is:

Here I Am.

First thought: am I the only Catholic who sees this and thinks, "Be Not Afraid" would actually be a better slogan if you are going to dip into the hymnal, Nike? Okay sure, probably I am, but second thought: Just do it contains the critical imperative phrase "Do it." And you can't deny the many virtues of "do it," no matter how much you hate companies that serve as neat little microcosms of the horrifying redistribution of income globalization hath wrought, because to "do it" is awesome. But to "do it" with someone who is all "Here I Am" about it is a total bonerkiller. It's just so emphatically…passive, right? Maybe I've just got the McCain campaign's recent reference to dead fish on the brain but I am also pretty sure this slogan could be interpreted to be demeaning to women, although I am going to quit now before I actually get a headache.

*What are you, kidding? Ranting for pageviews is fucking life-affirming, dude. You know how they talk about "runner's high"? Well, writing on drugs is my drug.
**Specifically women. Like some totally ripped triathlete pumped full of human growth hormone they've become obsessed over the years with the idea that they don't attract enough girls, which is probably the whole reason they don't attract enough girls; please take note here Obama campaign! Oh also, this is an actual Nike ad targeted at women:

(Top image by AdBusters)

The post on the blog didn't use the opportunity to solicit support for their fellow runner Chelsee Caskey, an 18-year old from Lincoln High School in Portland, who was the first person to be hit by a car in the 27-year old event's history. Caskey is still in the hospital in serious condition, while the driver of the car was booked for reckless driving and being under the influence of drugs. Donations to help defray her medical costs can be made at any Washington Mutual branch — like the one at Castro and El Camino in Mountain View.

A more curious omission: The team's name does not appear on a list of fundraisers for the American Cancer Society, the chosen beneficiary for team donations. If Google did any good by letting employees run the race, it's not mentioned in the blog post or anywhere else. Way to go, Googlers — you might have nearly won the race, but you managed to lose the point.

Okay, so yesterday we reported how Nadal's nonsubtle Adonisy photoshoot was actually a calculated effort on the part of his corporate overlord Nike to make him more marketable as a pitchman of clothes that are not made of space-aged lightweight wick-friendly flubber or whatever people are supposed to be "working out" in these days.** But Nike has had a lot of problems this Olympics. Namely: it does not sponsor Michael Phelps, it does not sponsor Shawn Johnson, and it does not sponsor Nastia Liukin. You are going to have to trust me when I say this FREAKS THEM THE FUCK OUT. One former Nike executive we know even blames the $19 billion athletaspirationalism peddler's relevance insecurity for its inexplicable Orwellian internet manhunt of the anonymous troll who suggested it forced underperforming runner Liu Xiang to drop out of the games:

It's like they didn't have the right athletes this time and there is always so much pent-up angst there (I would know right?) so they had to something to call attention to themselves.

They just need some attention! Negative attention works too!!*** So anyway, back to Nadal. It worked for Miley Cyrus, right? I mean, she milked the inane "scandal" of posing for those "scandalous"**** Annie Leibovitz Vanity Fair photos all the way through a ludicrous milkfest culminating in a dramatic July 21 "revisitation" (seriously!) of her "decision" and "what she had learned" on Good Morning America. Whatevs! Bottom line: like Miley Cyrus, Rafael Nadal just looked totally freaking hot in a non-trashy way, which is something no one ever regrets, even, I suspect, former CIA agent Valerie Plame, who says she regretted (and probably should regret!) posing in that glamorous Vanity Fair shoot back in the yellowcake era, but you know she actually looks at those pictures and thinks to herself, "Damn." And if she had corporate sponsors they would no doubt be thinking the same.

[MSNBC]

*The item goes on to assert that there will be "a trickle-down effect to the Nadal cover that he probably never anticipated: Other celebrity athletes are rethinking their commitments to appearing prominently in magazines outside of their niche” and cites some Roger Federer diva behavior as an example. This is bullshit.
**This makes sense as, also yesterday, some publicist sent us a picture of Maria Sharapova wearing a Cole Haan dress to some party. Sharapova of course is, like Nadal, a beautiful tennis player who is paid gazillions of dollars by Nike, and Nike owns Cole Haan.
***Um, case in point: this story.
****Dear anyone who thought those photos were inappropriate: allow me to introduce you to this thing called MySpace.

Now, as Mr. Nadal sets his sights on the U.S. Open, the hunky rebel known for his muscle shirts, capri-length pants and bandanna will morph into more of a traditionalist, starting with his on-court wardrobe.The shift appears part of a larger strategy by Mr. Nadal's tight-knit management team to transform the sublime baseliner from a teenage heartthrob into a grown-up star.

Supposedly Nadal himself has now grown up and spontaneously decided to update his image. But he's "worked closely" with Nike designers to build himself a new wardrobe composed of polo shirts (with mesh side panels!) in "chlorine blue, orange blaze, white and concord [purple]." All at the expense of boring old has-been Roger Federer. Your move, Anna Wintour.

[WSJ]

The first version of events is the worst. Nike's initial statement was an email to French newswire AFP not only denying the rumor but adding (emphasis added in all quotes):

We have immediately asked relevant government departments to investigate those that started the rumour.

That line may have originated from European Nike spokesman Massimo Giunco, quoted in AFP's story.

Later, Britain's Guardian wrote of the investigation demand, "Nike is enlisting the services of a repressive regime to crush its enemies." Nike spokesman Charlie Brooks, far from denying anything, told the paper:

"This isn't about a debate on freedom of speech. It's simply helping us to identify the person who posted it.

Amid mounting criticism, Nike's Vada Manager emerged on the scene to rather pathetically try and launder the company's story, telling the Oregonian newspaper:

"We have no intention of tracking anyone down, or asking for any punishment." He said the company merely plans to file a complaint with Chinese authorities concerning the Web post.

...Manager told The Oregonian... the shoe giant has not asked the Chinese government to find out who posted "malicious rumours" about it on the Internet.

So, to recap: On Tuesday Nike said it asked the government to "investigate" its online critic. On Wednesday Nike's Charlie Brooks said the request was about "helping us to identify the person who posted" the rumor. But by the end of Friday, Nike's Vada Manager was claiming "we have no intention of tracking anyone down" and that it has not asked the government to do so.

These statements are mutually exclusive. Someone at Nike is lying about the company's response and intentions, creating the appearance of a coverup. Yet it's not a very good one, since all stories involve complaining to the Chinese government about free expression on the internet.

Nike is now, on several levels, in a worse public relations position than when rumors first emerged it manhandled its own athlete.

One, it seems to be putting the financial value of its brand over the physical freedom of an internet poster who is, at worst, a random rumormongering conspiracy theorist.

Two, strong-arming a critic and lying about it just adds credence to the theory Nike strong-armed its athlete and lied about it. Unwise.

A global marketing executive for Chinese company Lenovo reminded Nike on his personal blog this weekend that "a big rule in community relations [is], don’t ask the Chinese government to go fish for the identity of someone posting bullshit about your brand." Nike's PR executives should all commit that modern proverb to memory.

The cover features Sarah Reinertsen, the first female leg amputee to finish an Ironman triathlon. She’s wearing one Nike shoe and a Nike t-shirt, with the words “Where Will You Be?” under the date “08.31.08” emblazoned on her chest. In the bottom left corner, Nike’s swoosh logo accompanies a cover line—“The Human Race 10K”—and a callout to “See page 12.”

The inside cover features a two-page ad for Nike Plus’ “Human Race” taking place on, yes, August 31.

See, the problem is that once you've sold your front cover, what is it exactly that separates you from the tons of ad circulars that appear on front steps across the metropolitan area? The publisher himself even wrote shilltastic ad copy inside for Nike's race. Having one sponsor for an entire issue of a magazine is becoming common; but even those sponsors manage to keep themselves off the cover.

Don't say it's okay just because they used an inspirational handicapped woman for the product placement. That's cheating.

[Folio]

Those with knowledge of the matter say that for $300,000, consumer brands can buy an "integration package" that will either incorporate a brand into existing "L Word" storylines or allow the brand to work with the show's writers to create customized storylines, participating in one episode or across several. Ms. Chaiken is also offering brands opportunities for integration around Ourchart.com, the largest social network for lesbians on the web.

Ad Age points out that the show does have great penetration into the affluent gay audience, which is seriously not a joke of any sort. And they suggest that companies like Nike and Mars—both of which recently pulled ads after being charged with homophobia—could use characters on The L Word as great brand ambassadors. We'll wait and see before we make a ruling. But the show's writer did say of other noncommercial premium shows, "They may be purists, but they'll get over it if they need to."

[Ad Age]

Nike's balls-in-face Hyperdunk poster

What happened: Nike's ad depicting a b-ball player getting posterized sports an unfortunate tagline to go with the unfortunate image, and plays on a baseline of macho homophobia. The ad is pulled just days after the company feels the awesome power of mildly piqued blog readers.

The lesson: Sports must be slightly more gay-conscious.

Winners: Gays, basketball fans (in the long run), Adidas, which makes cooler shoes.

Losers: Nikes, macho guys, those who will be deprived of this perspective on Hyperdunk technology.

Snickers and Mr. T

What happened: Snickers ad shows Mr. T in a pickup truck, shooting at a swishy speed walker with a gatling gun. Tagline: "Get some nuts!" Gays cry foul, company folds.

The lesson: Anti-gay image or tagline alone leaves deniability; both together is too much.

Winners: Gays, speed walkers.

Losers: Snickers, alpha males, remnants of Mr. T's career.

JC Penney's Teen Sex commercial

What happened: An ad agency wins an award for a shocking (in context) commercial for JC Penney that sympathetically shows two teenagers sneaking around having sex under mom's nose. The company sputters that the ad isn't authorized; the ad agency apologizes; lots of people get their ass handed to them (we imagine); an opportunity for mainstream progressivism is lost.

The lesson: Your ad agency will sell you out, big time.

Winners: The type of people who buy mom jeans.

Losers: Teens, society, ad agency rebels.

Heinz's Gay Mayo ad

What happened: Heinz ran an ad in the UK showing a man kissing a deli guy because his mayonnaise is so good. Bill O'Reilly declared the ad "obviously a gay thing," and the company decided to pull it.

The lesson: The world is still not ready to see men kiss.

Winners: Shouting heads.

Losers: Gays, deli guys, gay deli guys.

Salesgenie.com's Asian Panda Bears

What happened: Company runs Super Bowl ad featuring cartoon panda bears who speak in an exaggerated Asian accent. Outcry of anti-Asian racism ensues. Company hastily pulls the ads.

The lesson: If you're gonna fuck up, don't do it during the Super Bowl (ALSO GOES FOR FOOTBALL PLAYERS).

Winners: Asians, the New York Giants.

Losers: The idiot CEO who wrote the ad himself, his friend Bill Clinton, the New England Patriots.

[via Ad Age]

The insatiable British appetite for stabbing their fellow citizens caused bad PR levels to rise so high that Nike had to start pulling the shoes last week—even though they've been selling them for 20 years.

A company spokesman said: "Given the current climate we have withdrawn the shoe indefinitely from Nike's own stores in the UK."

He said the Air Stab name reflected the fact that it was first launched in 1988 as a stability shoe and had no connection to knives or stabbing.

"While it may be an unfortunate coincidence timing-wise, given current problems regarding knife crime, we completely reject the idea that we are in any way condoning or encouraging the issue of knife usage," said the spokesman.

If the Brits decide to start using Lebron James as a weapon, it will truly spell trouble Nike's European marketing plan.

[Telegraph UK via Adrants]

Let's lay out the facts:

1. These ads do indeed depict what is widely considered to be the most humiliating possible thing that can happen to someone on a basketball court.

2. That humiliation arises from the balls-in-face aspect of the dunk, meaning it is fundamentally a homophobic sentiment. At least subconsciously.

3. Nike's ad placement shows they're appealing to a very specific basketball player/ fan demographic. It's doubtful they'd use this same ad campaign for the general public, without some tweaks.

There's also a racial aspect at work here, although it's more fuzzy. One strict interpretation would be that Nike is even more irresponsible for fomenting and supporting homophobia in the black community, where AIDS rates are higher and homophobia is, therefore, more deadly. The opposite, but equally strict, interpretation would be that basketball is a sport with lots of black players at its highest levels, and therefore using black slang, etc. in ads targeted specifically at basketball players is only natural and right.

Leaving aside my unrelated general hatred of Nike, I have to take a slightly more forgiving line with them here. Context is important! Didn't we learn anything from the freaking New Yorker's Obama cover? Hardcore basketball fans would scarcely think twice about these ads, except maybe to chuckle. Trash talk is a fundamental part of streetball.

That said, the larger point is that the joke here—as in other campaigns revolving around ALL OF AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR SPORTS—is based on the implacable homophobia of straight jocks. That can't be denied. So Nike should pull the ads. Or rework them to be friendlier to gay basketball fans, at least. Be aspirational, you bastards! The sad part is that this isn't a new low in homophobic advertising. It's the sports status quo.

Yes, one ball wonder Lance Armstrong is discovering the benefits to following his pony around, namely in the form of residuals. While Hudson made some attempt to gussy up for the new-ish couple's lunch with Goldie, the bicyclist and sometimes-cameo artist threw on an old t-shirt and couldn't be bothered to shave his beard, leaving him looking like flip flop-less Matthew McConaughey's understudy in Fool's Gold. Which is a look that only works when you're elbow-deep in garbage and tears. And when you're Matthew McConaughey.

[Photo credit: Splash]

• KATE AND LANCE HAVE A BEACHSIDE LUNCH WITH GOLDIE HAWN [People]

Everybody wants IN to the Chinese market. This particularly goes for high-end luxury brands, which are slobbering over the prospect of Chinese people—more than a billion of them!—soon having enough money to start buying their products. As the country gains a stronger middle and upper class, Dior and Armani and Chanel and Vuitton and all their friends are counting on a huge new customer base. Politics be damned!

And all the stars who model for, receive freebies from, or endorse all these brands? They're going to have to shut their traps about Tibet. China accepts no dissent on the issue. The Chinese government will happily blacklist any company foolish enough to publicly raise the issue, and no company would ever do such a thing. Nor will they allow their endorsers to. It's as simple as that. Every major company on earth has, thus far, folded in the face of Chinese totalitarianism, because the promise of their untapped customer base is too good to sacrifice for an abstract political cause. The shareholders want profits, not slogans.

So here's a prediction: In the future, the only Hollywood stars to loudly adopt the Tibet issue will be those who are too old or unpopular to land the juiciest luxury endorsements. Or maybe some of them will willingly ditch their endorsements in order to continue arguing for the cause? Ha ha! Yea, we hope so too. Maybe Richard Gere will stick it out.

Think that's cynical? The same thing has already happened in the sports world. NBA superstar Lebron James refused to sign a letter from ten of his own teammates condemning China's business connection to the atrocities in Darfur. Why? Because he has a $100 million contract with Nike, and the Olympics are coming up in Beijing, and Nike wants a big piece, as well as big peace. Most other big name athletes have already fallen in line as well.

Hopefully the Dalai Lama can do without Beverly Hills.

[Photo via Getty]

boomp3.com

Dustin Hoffman may actually be America's oldest teenager (or at least America's oldest twentysomething) just on the verge of really making something happen.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

EXT. BAY BAR
The Sunday noon crowd at Bay Bar consists of those running in and out to get iced coffee products and those sitting at tables enjoying iced coffee products. VISORGAY, wearing olive drab cargo shorts and a navy mesh Nike visor, sits with TANKGAY, in olive drab cargo shorts and a robin's egg blue tank. They are at a prime table overlooking the harbor and the boardwalk that runs along it. Across the water, unidentifiable shrieks can be heard.

Previously: The Pines Party

EXT. THE JAMAICA LIRR STATION, ONE DAY BEFORE THE PINES PARTY

The crowd flows en masse from the 4:40 Long Beach train across the platform to the 5:03 Patchogue train. As the train arrives into the station, BUSINESSGAY (wearing a plaid dress shirt, suit pants, and well-shined square-toe black shoes) is displaying a court jester's hat to CASUALGAY (dressed in an untucked white long-sleeve button-down, jeans, and Asics running shoes) and CHANELGAY (in a sleeveless tank top with Thai script, displaying his array of tattoos, including the Chanel logo on the back of his neck). The jester's hat is tucked back into a black canvas weekender bag as the three begin to board the train.

CASUALGAY wears a face of concern as they board the crowded train.

EXT. THE BLUE WHALE, ONE DAY AFTER THE PINES PARTY

The Sunday brunch crowd is mostly quiet with the voice of Sting heard clearly, singing "How Fragile We Are." WAITER, wearing jeans cut just below the knee, an Ascencion tee shirt and Nike Air Hi-Tops is moving a table to seat a party of five. Four are seated while TYPICALFORTHEMOMENT stands shirtless, shifting from one foot to the other and blinking arhythmically. As he waits, another party of five arrives.

The second party consists of four gay men, mostly indistinguishable from one another, all wearing sunglasses, tee shirts, and cargo shorts. Accompanying them is a tall brunette woman in sunglasses and a white cotton dress with a tan lobster pattern. Two of the INDISTINGAYSHABLEs are on each side of LOBSTERHAG, assisting her to walk. Her face, although covered in large sunglasses, exposes a look of pain.

The party is seated and peruses their menus. LOBSTERHAG stares into space.

A loud siren rings out throughout the bay.

Previously: Do She? She Do!