not afraid to be servicey

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A Message To Rudy
12/08/09

In reply to Magic Shoes and Magic Cookies: Bullshit
Eff it, I'm going back to these...and they LOOK good too!
[www.unicyclist.com]
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Edited by A Message To Rudy at 12/08/09 5:02 PM A Message To Rudy was starred

GlasgowRose
12/08/09

In reply to Magic Shoes and Magic Cookies: Bullshit
The originators of this trend, MBT or Masai Barefoot Technology, claimed to base their rounded sole approach on African's Maasai tribe - overlooking the fact that they're no longer barefoot -- but they are desirably skinny because they're POOR. Then former Bliss chick Marcia Kilgore, who helped launch MBT in her spas, left and launched her knock-off FitFlop line, and it was off to the races (to the bottom -- the tight-as-a-steel-drum bottom, that is...) Ugh.
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GlasgowRose
12/08/09

Make that "desirably" skinny ... and a double "Ugh."
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snugbug
12/08/09

@GlasgowRose: Too bad Leni Riefenstahl is taking a dirt nap at the moment--she'd have come up with an award-winning Masai-centric commercial for this ridiculousness.
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Hiroine Protagonist
12/08/09

In reply to Magic Shoes and Magic Cookies: Bullshit
I read an article that debunked these stupid shoes in the ass. They make your muscles flexed all the time so you're much more prone to muscle tears and ligament pulls. Fun! My idiot friend got a pair of the really expensive ones about 5 years ago and said she wore them because "it tones your Kegels!" I know kegels are not a muscle group. She does not.
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snugbug
12/08/09

In reply to Magic Shoes and Magic Cookies: Bullshit
Alright kids, let Auntie Snug tell you how this crash weight-loss thing is done properly: Move to Europe and simultaneously take up smoking. You'll be as thin as a whippet in six weeks, no longer have a need for bras and once again be able to fit in the Wranglers you wore in 9th grade.

How nobody has yet exposed this essential truth in a bestseller is beyond me.
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tigolbitties
12/08/09

In reply to Magic Shoes and Magic Cookies: Bullshit
that damn super squats image makes me giggle every time!
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Botswana Meat Commission FC
12/08/09

In reply to Magic Shoes and Magic Cookies: Bullshit
I play real sports. I don't fucking practice exercising!
- Kenny Powers
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Edited by Botswana Meat Commission FC at 12/08/09 1:38 PM

Swifter
12/08/09

In reply to Magic Shoes and Magic Cookies: Bullshit
Eat less. Exercise more. Amazing!
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fattyboombah
12/08/09

@Swifter: There's a marathon runner in Oz who has what he calls "The Steve Monaghetti Diet" which goes like this: Eat what you want, when you want, and as much as you like - and run 100km a week.
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Swifter
12/08/09

@fattyboombah: When I was in OCS, the only time tactical officers would not harass you was when you were actually eating. You could go back for as much chow as you wanted, because you burned 10,000 calories/day.
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fattyboombah
12/08/09

@Swifter: I'm sure that was providing it was the right kind of food.

First mistake most new exercise / dieters make is rewarding themselves with food that has more calories in it than they burnt during the work-out.
"I spent 60 minutes at the gym lifting weights and piss farting around, I deserve that cupcake/chocolate bar/twinkie"
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cmd
12/08/09

In reply to Magic Shoes and Magic Cookies: Bullshit
Thankfully the unemployment diet is keeping me in shape (one meal a day, usually a slice).
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GlasgowRose
12/08/09

@cmd: A whole slice? Luxury!
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cmd
12/08/09

@GlasgowRose: Thank god for the depressing 99cent pizza joints!
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BookishLatkeish
12/08/09

In reply to Magic Shoes and Magic Cookies: Bullshit
To get a superb ass:

Climb hills.
Climb stairs.
Backwards cowgirl.
Watch the preservatives, which cause cellulite. I read it in Cosmo, it must be true!
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jelodi
12/08/09

@BookishLookish: Climbing hills, stairs, and avoiding preservatives is doable. Backwards cowgirl--not so much. Husband could be making gross-out faces and I would never know it.
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BookishLatkeish
12/08/09

@jelodi: About your ass? Nu-uh. Besides, he will be too busy moaning to make any other kind of face.
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tigolbitties
12/08/09

@BookishLookish: yeah, what about regular cowgirl? that one burns my thighs... am i doing it wrong?
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BookishLatkeish
12/08/09

@tigolbitties: There is no way to do it wrong, baby. Unless you stick a spur in his side! Burn away!
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jelodi
12/08/09

@BookishLookish: Methinks I must reverse my position on backwards cowgirl. Ha! Unfortunately, I will probably be thinking of this post when it happens.
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BookishLatkeish
12/08/09

@jelodi: That is OK. A lot of people think of me when they think of big jiggling asses, honey.
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contradicto
12/08/09

In reply to Magic Shoes and Magic Cookies: Bullshit
Super squats will never get old.
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Rozelle’s Bagman
12/08/09

In reply to Magic Shoes and Magic Cookies: Bullshit
I will do it with my spear and magic helmet!
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econdave
12/08/09

@Rozelle’s Bagman: Your spear and magic helmet?
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flugennock
12/09/09

@econdave: Hah (smirk)... magic helmet...!
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econdave
12/09/09

@flugennock: Magic helmet?
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Spirit Fingers
12/08/09

In reply to Magic Shoes and Magic Cookies: Bullshit
This country. THIS country. I swear to God if McDonald's developed a "diet fry" made from Gogi-Caramel berries and fried in "low fat" emu oil it would become a national sensation. All you really have to do is quote an obscure "scientific study" probably conducted on Tanzanian howler monkeys, and slap the word DIET somewhere at reading level and the masses will swarm. "You mean this will increase my cholesterol, but it has less fat than the leading fry, even though it may cause atherosclerosis, but certainly lowers the caloric intake than that entire pack of Chicken McNuggets, but will most likely cause cardiac plaque and increase the chance for stroke, but I may lose ten pounds if I eat it six times a day and drink Gatorade! I'm so in.!"
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Conrad
12/08/09

@Spirit Fingers: Hey! You posted this twice. At least you are thorough.
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Spirit Fingers
12/08/09

@Conrad: Damn! I didn't realize it. There was some Gawker buggery afoot apparently.
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Conrad
12/08/09

@Spirit Fingers: It's ok. That's the benefit of having a star. If only my pervert* star would transfer...

*Fleshbot
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Mo MoDo
12/08/09

@Conrad: I didn't realize there were enough commenters on Fleshbot to award stars.
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Conrad
12/08/09

@Mo MoDo: Burn.
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Mo MoDo
12/09/09

@Conrad: No insult intended, but every time I'm there (which is almost never, ahem) no post has more than two or three comments.
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Conrad
12/09/09

@Mo MoDo: It's a sad thing. We try to increase comments, but they wax and wane.
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TedSez
12/08/09

In reply to Magic Shoes and Magic Cookies: Bullshit
Here's why these things exist:

"Hey, doc, how can I lose weight and get fit?"

"Eat more healthy stuff, but less food overall. And exercise strenuously every day."

"Forget that. What else you got?"

"Huh? Okay, fine == bad cookies and weird shoes. Now get out of here."
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DahlELama
12/08/09

@TedSez: I just lost myself in this dialogue a little bit and got really excited about the "bad cookies and weird shoes" option. I am why this country sucks.
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drunkexpatwriter
12/08/09

In reply to Magic Shoes and Magic Cookies: Bullshit
Man, I do a lot of advertising copywriting for diet pills, cleanses and the like and you would not believe the level of FTC trade regulations over what we can say in the ads.

Everything I write has to go through the lawyers and it seems like every week the lawyers sends a new list of things we can and can not say.

My favorite was about two weeks ago where I got a memo saying that when writing the copy for the laxative supplement my client sells it was against the law to say you'll "look less bloated" but fine to say you'll "feel less bloated."

Like how does a lawyer or the FTC come to that conclusion?

I live in fear over what it will be like if the FTC ever starts regulating the rent boy ad copy I write.

I can only imagine getting memos saying that it's fine to say you'll "feel like he's giving you nine inches of pure Latino cock" but not that he'll "give you nine inches of Puerto Rican penis power."
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Edited by drunkexpatwriter at 12/08/09 11:51 AM drunkexpatwriter was starred drunkexpatwriter was unstarred

Rozelle’s Bagman
12/08/09

@drunkexpatwriter: But Puerto Rican penis power doesn't even work on a copywriting level, so it's all good.
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Edited by Rozelle’s Bagman at 12/08/09 12:06 PM Rozelle’s Bagman was starred

Lymed
12/08/09

@drunkexpatwriter: Lawyers look at the FTC regulations, FTA opinion letters and at case law enforcing those regulations in analyzing whether a claim related to a nutritional supplement is legally permissible. Basically, the ads need to be truthful and adequately substantiated. I'm guessing that memo had to do with the research on the claim made. The client probably has research supporting how people feel but not how they look.
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drunkexpatwriter
12/08/09

@Lymed: Yes, but I'd assume that if you suddenly were no longer bloated you'd probably look less bloated as well.
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drunkexpatwriter
12/08/09

@Rozelle’s Bagman: True.

"Pure Puero Rican Man Meat that will turn you into a cum crazed cockaholic" works much better.
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Lymed
12/08/09

@drunkexpatwriter: Are you allowed to say "you will be less bloated?" What you said you can say is you'll "feel less bloated." It is possible you will feel less bloated not because you are less bloated, but because the supplement reduces nerve sensations. Or perhaps it does reduce bloating but it also increases inflammation? I'm not saying any of that is the case, just pointing out that it is possible to feel less bloated and not look less bloated. The FTC is trying to protect people from false claims and the only way you can do that effectively is to limit claims to those that can be substantiated. There are a lot of chronically ill people who will try anything if they think it will cure them. There are also a lot of companies that prey on the ill. So all supplement companies, including the good, have to jump through hoops in order to protect people from the bad.
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drunkexpatwriter
12/08/09

@Lymed: Yeah.

Still, it amazes me. My boss is seriously anal about us making no claims we can't back up and tries to do everything in his power to be on the up and up but it feels like every week we get new and harder to deal with restrictions.

The hoops are astounding. It's like the default position is that we must be evil.

I've been doing ad copy for nine years and have never had to deal with these kinds of weirdo restrictions on phrasing ever before.
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Lysergic Asset
12/08/09

@Lymed: But you're forgetting: "It's not how you feel/ It's how you look."

(Please tell me you're old enough to get that reference...)
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Lymed
12/08/09

@Lysergic Asset: I think I'm about 2 years too young, or I just wasn't cool enough in the 6th grade.
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clickable
12/08/09

@Lymed: IANAL, but I always noticed that these types of ads take great care to make their claims in elusive, non-committal terms. They make sure the claim is articulated in some way that can't be objectively measured, because if you could measure it, you could see the product does not work as promised (or maybe on rare occasions, that it does). If the claim was something subjective, who's to say it didn't do what it claimed - make you "feel" less bloated, thinner, whatever. You can't objectively prove it didn't, they can't objectively prove it did, and the margin of error stays on their side.

It always seemed obvious to me that the elusive language was the lawyers talking. They stop just short of making a claim that you can prove, in court, is false. And since they're very experienced at it, they know how to sell the snake oil so smoothly that you practically need to have a lawyer sitting next to you as you read to understand the fine line between a non-committal claim and an objective assertion.

Or, you need to have read so many of these ads that you can point out the vagueness of the claim as soon as you glance at the page.
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Hiroine Protagonist
12/08/09

@drunkexpatwriter: Are you kidding? You're selling pure unmitigated bullshit - if that's not evil I don't know what is. Diet pills are mostly speed and cleanses are...really? You're surprised by this? In this economy etc, fine, but jeez.
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Lymed
12/08/09

@clickable: The fact that the FTC and the FDA have to spend so many resources going after misleading advertising and of nutritional supplements and advertising with unproven medical claims suggests to me it is not just a fear of lawsuit by consumers. A lot of the elusiveness is that they can't legally say that it results in weight loss, cures cancer, or whatever claim they want to make. If you pick up a legal text book of food and drug regulation you will read many, many enforcement letters and court decisions on cases for unsubstantiated claims.
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ms_priestypants
12/08/09

@drunkexpatwriter: I think that would depend on how big you are though, right? 250lbs= no amount of laxative is going to change how you look in one use. 100lbs= a sneeze would probably cause a change, and emptying your stomach contents definitely would.
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ms_priestypants
12/08/09

@drunkexpatwriter: I read the back of an ad in a magazine about that Ally drug for weight loss, and it actually includes a whole sub-section on not wearing "light colored pants" during the first weeks of use, because of the likelihood of loose stools. This absolutely made my day, thinking about the copy writing/legal department that had to figure out a way to say WARNING: MAY MAKE YOU POOP YOUR PANTS in a way that didn't just say it outright.
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drunkexpatwriter
12/08/09

@ms_priestypants: Well we don't ask them to only use it once.

I would think that doing lots of fiber for a few weeks would make you look less bloated.
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drunkexpatwriter
12/08/09

@Hiroine Protagonist: All marketing writing is bullshit.
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drunkexpatwriter
12/08/09

@ms_priestypants: Sadly, I've spent hours pondering similar things.
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Lysergic Asset
12/08/09

@Lymed: I was in high school when that SNL skit aired... I totally didn't get the Fernando Lamas reference (the suave Mexican actor that Billy Crystal is satirizing) the song was based on, but I still thought it was funny. There's a saying that those who ignore history are destined to repeat it... God, I sure hope not.
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Tremonius
12/08/09

In reply to Magic Shoes and Magic Cookies: Bullshit
Marketing actually has not deteriorated since the fifties, the only field that can make that claim, I think. Remember the super secret Charles Atlas secret Dynamic Tension which would turn you from a 98-lb-weakling to a vanquisher of sand kickers with an investment of only 15 minutes a day?* Salvation was like that, as Leonard Cohen invited us to sing along.

Why don't you join the Rosicrucians?
They can help you find a friend.
On the backs of every magazine
There are coupons you can send.

*Secret: Apply inexorable pressure with one hand against ineluctable resistance of the other.
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