The day after Thanksgiving is the most popular shopping day of the year, but it also the most deadly. Sure, there are always going to be fights over limited merchandise, but early morning specials and stores trying to frontload their days with shoppers ready to spend has created an atmosphere of deadly frenzy. Well, it is time to fight back! Here are several methods that will keep you alive and get you to the front of the pack. This December 25th when you have a pocket full of left-over cash and your children gratefully screech, "Thank you, Santa!" You better turn to your computer, nod, and say, "No, thank you, Gawker."

The Paparazzi Strategy: Pretend like the mob rushing the front door for cheap Blu-Ray players are like photographers and you are Robert Pattinson. Surround yourself with some thuggy types and have them walk you through the crowd.
Fatal Flaw: You have to have a big, tough entourage, or else you'll all go down like Tila Tequila at the dick buffet.
Best For: Big egos, people who are well connected, anyone with a subscription to Star.
Do Not Attempt If...: You do not know who Robert Pattinson is. That means you have never seen someone successfully avoid the paps and you are doomed to a million footprints on your face.

The NASCAR Strategy: At 4:59, right before the doors open, have a friend or family member pull up in a car that vaguely resembles a NASCAR racer. It's going to be dark, so it doesn't have to be perfect. When all the Walmartians are staring shout, "Look, it's Jeff Gordon!!" The crowd will go rushing for autographs and it will be just you and and the Walmart greeter.
Fatal Flaw: You may be stuck in a stampede when everyone goes Gaga over Gordon.
Best For: Red staters
Do Not Attempt If...: You live somewhere where no one will know who Jeff Gordon is. If you are standing the cold in front of Target instead of Walmart, you are in one of those places. If that is the case, a black town car with a black lady in the back seat can be used to create a diversionary "Oprah."

The Blocking Wedge Strategy: This football-inspired move is so effective that it got banned by the NFL. Get several "toughs" (great aunts work especially well for this) and have them run in a tight V formation. You are at the center of the V safe from harm. You will plow through the crowd of bargain hunters like a plow through snow.
Fatal Flaw: You have to get Great Aunt Fanny and the girls to run fast enough or else your wedge will be destroyed by the tide of bodies behind you.
Best For: Sports fans, Deadspin readers, lesbians.
Do Not Attempt If...: You are not committed. It's not easy to make your way through a mob, but when you get your hands on an electronic hampster it will be all worth it.

The Storm Trooper Strategy: Just like when Han Solo and Luke Skywalker put on Storm Trooper costumes to infiltrate the Death Star in Star Wars, all you need is a Walmart uniform to get inside. Show up in a blue apron an hour early and use the employee entrance. They've hired tons of seasonal staff, so they won't even care that they don't recognize you. Make yourself busy organizing shelves or something. And when the doors open, ditch the apron, and grab whatever your little heart desires.
Fatal Flaw: Someone might realize that you don't have a time card with your name on it.
Best For: The nondescript, chameleons, failed actors.
Do Not Attempt If...: You have any distinguishing features. People won't remember a mid-height lady with brown hair, but if someone with a goth 'do and a face full of piercings shows up at the employee entrance, it might cause a stir.

The Stay the Fuck Home! Strategy: Um, see the above. Really, is it worth risking death over a cheap TV? Also, it is real early in the morning.
Fatal Flaw: If servers crash on Cyber Monday then you are screwed.
Best For: Sane individuals, spendthrifts, city folk.
Do Not Attempt If...: You really want to go out with shopping cart wheel marks over your face in your coffin.

If you want to show up at a party wearing something totally unique—unlike the hordes of Balloon Boys, Gosselins, and zombies—here are a few inspirations for you. Not everyone may get it, but if you have to explain it, that's a great way to meet people. See, we're here to make sure you look good and get laid. How servicey is that!

All but one of these ideas came right from you, the readers, and we just stole them from the comments of our last two Halloween posts and fleshed them out a bit. Thanks for the effort, and sorry if we ruined your concept by putting it out there for the world to copy.

Think you can do better? The comments are open!

Costume: McKinsey Executive
What You'll Need: A power suit, covered in fake blood. Old copies of Gourmet, Cookie, and Domino with a knife through them.
Works Best For: Media Insiders, those collecting severance from Conde.
Recommended By: Former English Major

Costume: Ernie Anastos the Fox New York anchor who coined the phrase "Keep Fucking that Chicken."
What You'll Need: A suit, and a whole raw chicken, attached to the crotch of your pants. To go that extra mile, get some bad face work done.
Works Best For: Carnivores, men.
Recommended By: HamburgerHotdog

Costume: Glee's Sue Motherfucking Sylvester
What You'll Need: A short blond wig, a track suit, a whistle, a protein shake, no uterus, and a ton of bitch quips.
Works Best For: Lesbians, gay guys, theater dorks, Gleeks.
Recommended By: NotSewFast

Costume: John Fitzgerald Page, the worst person in the world
What You'll Need: Just like BettyCrocker said, "'80s prepwear (yellow suspenders, cufflinks shaped like $$) and a total lack of self-awareness."
Works Best For: Gawker diehards, frat boys.
Recommended By: BettyCrocker

Costume: Mary Murphy, the exuberant judge on So You Think You Can Dance
What You'll Need: Fake tan, a brunette wig, a tacky outfit, a loud scream, and a miniture "hot tamale train" to circle your head.
Works Best For: Reality show fiends.
Recommended By: Spirit Fingers

Costume: Anna Wintour in line to see the The September Issue
What You'll Need: Tight jeans, loafers, Fashion's Night Out T-shirt, sunglasses, bob wig. Bonus points for a snake coat or bringing a friend dressed as Grace Coddington to laugh at you.
Works Best For: PR girls, skinny people, those with a mean glint in their eye.
Recommended By: Brian Moylan

[Image via Getty]

Do you still need proof of how many other Balloon Boys you'll run into if you go through with your oh-so-original-and-topical costume idea? There's a company that want to rush you a Balloon Boy costume. If you want to be one of the legions wearing this thing — and can't find any mylar and hangers laying around — it will only cost you $20 and your dignity.

And since we've had some time to think about it (and some great suggestions from the commenters) we came up with some more outfits that you shouldn't bother getting together unless you want to be dressed like everyone else.

Lady Gaga
Why Not: We love her dedication to her look, but no one can do Gaga like Gaga. Plus, half of gay New York has already bought all the cheap wrap-around sunglasses to encrust with rhinestones, so it's going to be hard to pull off. And Gaga never looks the same twice, so there isn't one iconic look. No, you do not get bonus points for attaching a dildo to your costume and going as Lady Gaga's penis.
Safe Alternative: Madonna
What You Need to Make It: Madge from any era is a timeless costume. It will work every year. The easiest look to pull off would be from the red-haired, purple-leotarded Confessions on a Dance Floor era, but it will be a little dated. Just give a friend a unibrow and some '80s togs and you have your own Lourdes Leon accessory!

The Gosselins
Why Not: Kate Gosselin wigs are already sold out, and going as dumpy Jon in Ed Hardy with a cigarette hanging out of your mouth isn't very inventive either. People will just mistake you for a frat boy who didn't bother dressing up for Halloween. Also: since these two entered the public consciousness as a joke, making fun of them isn't subversive. It's hive-inducing.
Safe Alternative: Grown-up, fucked-up Gosselin kid
What You Need to Make It: There are so many ways you can take this. Maybe dress up as an attention-craving porn star Hannah. Maybe a washed-up junkie Joel. Psycho, straight jacket twins Mady and Cara? Yes and yes. Let your imagination run as wild as these kids will be living in about 10 years.

Any Real Housewife
Why Not: There are plenty to choose from, but there will be packs of girls and gays who are going to get together and do this as a group. We even heard of an entire party themed around the Real Housewives of Atlanta. Besides, on Halloween some fake tits, tight dress, blond wig, and a bad attitude won't make you stand out.
Safe Alternative: Kim Zolciak's wig
What You Need to Make It: Take a whole lot of cheap blond weave hair, and just glue it to some clothing. Be sure to buy a cheap wig to wear on your own head, and some red lipstick. But be careful, I like this idea so much, I might steal it for myself.

Every year there are a bunch of people who all decide to take something topical as inspiration for a "witty" outfit. We have a good idea what they'll be this year, and you should check yourself before you scare everyone. So, to avoid the great Borat outbreak of 2006 or the Dark Knight/Joker takeover of 2008, here are some pop cultural outfits that you definitely want to leave in the costume shop if you don't want to run into several dozen other yahoos wearing the exact same getup.

Sarah Palin
Why Not: It was a bad idea last year. It's even worse this year. Besides, while everyone who doesn't race snow machines is still trying to forget her, you'll just be helping her sell books.
Safe Alternative: Levi Johnston
What You Need to Make It: This is a boy's only costume. All you'll need is a nude body stocking (or a pair of briefs if you're bold) and attach a vintage copy of Playgirl to the crotch. Bonus points for carrying a baby and/or a bag of pistachio nuts. If you have a friend who will dress up as Tank Jones, your look is made.

Max from Where the Wild Things Are
Why Not: This would have been cute a year ago, but now that the movie's out, everyone's going to try to replicate it. You can do better than that.
Safe Alternative: H.R. Puffinstuff
What You Need to Make It: You're going to need a whole lot of paper machine, fabric, paint, and time to do this other retro children's hero up right, but it will be a huge hit.

Summer of Death Celebrities
Why Not: No, it's not too soon, it's just not very creative. So yes, that means no Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, Patrick Swayze, Ed McMahon, Billy Mays, or any of the others we've lost recently. It's not edgy, just lazy.
Safe Alternative: Elizabeth Taylor or Kirk Douglas. They're not dead yet, but they could be any day. Go as the next dead celebrity.
What You Need to Make It: For Dame Liz, a wheelchair, a crazy hat, and some White Diamonds perfume. For Kirk, a cleft chin, a tuxedo, and disappointment in your son, Michael.

Zombie/Vampire
Why Not: Because every movie, TV show and book these days is about one or the other. Every teenage girl and boy is going to be rocking this, so you'll look like you're trying too hard to be down with the youngs.
Safe Alternative: A banshee. They are so the monster of 2010.
What You Need to Make It: Long hair (a wig will do), a long white gown preferably tattered, and a loud shouting voice.

Balloon Boy
Why Not: This is going to be popular because it will be easy to rig together and everyone will think it's funny and current. It's neither. And let's hope that in 11 days this story is officially over.
Safe Alternative: The old man from Up.
What You Need to Make It: Square glasses, grey hair, a sweater vest. Attach a bunch of baloons and a cardboard cutout of a house to your back and it's up, up, and away.

Don Draper from Mad Men
Why Not: Just because you put on a suit, a pocket square, and slicked down hair, you are not Don Draper. Everyone will know that you came up with this at 2pm on October 31 and probably never even watched the show. It is also not an excuse to drink and smoke a lot. Just do that on your own.
Safe Alternative: British Guy from Mad Men. You know, the one who got his foot run over with a lawn mower.
What You Need to Make It: An antique John Deere, a bloody stump, and several blood-sprayed onlookers with a shocked look on their faces. It's disgusting and creative. Perfect for Halloween!

[Image via Getty]

Well, if these are any indication, Obama likes a place with a good reputation, nothing too spicy or out of the ordinary, and prefers to be downtown, especially in the Village. His visits may temporarily cost restaurants business because of the crowd outside and the inconvenience of Secret Service agents, but they make up for it in the extreme afterwards because of the flocks of Obama-loving yuppies who will pay dearly for a bit of the nation's first family sheen.

Restaurant: Blue Hill
Location: 75 Washington Place
Date: May 30, 2009
Occassion: Date night with Michelle
Description: "Blue Hill's menu showcases local food and a wine list with producers who respect artisanal techniques. Ingredients come from nearby farms...Guests can choose from the regular menu or opt for the 'Farmer's Feast,' a five-course tasting inspired by the week's harvest."
Meal: Ate from the tasting menu. Barack had wine, Michelle had two martinis, that lush.
What Critics Say: "Although not as extreme or innovative as Craft, Blue Hill is the city's other seminal Greenmarket haven, so expect a certain amount of hushed reverence here, a certain amount of ecstatic whispering about the quality of the summer peas." [NY Mag]
What It Says about Obama: He likes to support local agriculture, while keeping a low profile.

Il Mulino
Location: 86 West 3rd St.
Date: September 14, 2009
Occasion: Lunch with Bill Clinton
Description: "Il Mulino...brings the Italian tradition of fine food and hospitality to your table. Simple, straightforward, wholesome and always fresh—it's the Il Mulino tradition."
Meal: Both had fish, pasta, and salad.
What Critics Say: "For more space, more invention and more restrained portions and sauces, you go elsewhere. But for trend-resistant cooks and tuxedoed waiters eager to pummel you into gastronomic submission, you go to Il Mulino." [NY Times]
What It Says Obama: He likes a safe place with a good name recognition. Also, he's trying to keep Bubba out of McDonalds.

Craftsteak
Location: 85 10th Ave
Date: October 20, 2009
Occasion: We're not sure yet.
Description: "Craftsteak New York redefinies the concept of a steakhouse by focusing on beef sourced from the world's top ranchers and artisanal producers and dry-aging it in the restaurant's own aging room."
Meal: He's probably placing his order right now. Suggestions?
What Critics Say: "The decor of the place is beautiful. I would definitely go there again, but would try something different. Love this new area it is located in. The last time I was in that area (16 or so years ago) it was swarming with prostitutes and some really bad looking ones at that!" [Yelp]
What It Says about Obama: He likes something that is sure to please everyone and won't be too controversial. Just like his policy decisions!

[Image via Getty]

Notification 1 issued on 10/2/2009 at 12:15 PM. Emergency personnel are on the scene of a subway smoke condition near West 53rd Street and 7th Avenue in Manhattan. The F and V trains are suspended in Manhattan. B and D trains are diverted onto the A line between West 57th Street and West 4th Street.

• Twitter. The microblogging service was many people's first alternate messaging system the last time this happened, in February, and the service has added tons of users since then. Direct message friends if your message must be private; attach images using Twitpic and even broadcast your temporary Yahoo or Hotmail address. Disclaimer: Works only until Twitter is inevitably brought down by people complaining about the GMail outage.
• Instant messenger. It's intrusive, compared to email, but Google's failure is your perfect excuse.
  
• Facebook: Sure, Facebook has a handy private messaging feature, but some people never check that. Write on your recipient's Wall; no message is remembered so well as one delivered in front of family and friends.
• Text SMS message. Pricey, but why not bill your employer, especially if he put you on a cheap-ass free Google Apps account in the first place (*cough* *cough*)?
  
• Print and FAX: This has the advantage of wasting precious hours of your employer's time. Bonus points for a "sent from my iPhone" tagline; double bonus points for cutting and pasting your recipient's last FAX underneath yours.
  
• Carrier pigeon: Sure, the Google snafu has made them hot commodities, but today's markup can't be more than, what, three, four hundred percent?
• Pick up the phone and speak to the person using your actual vocal cords: Ha ha, just kidding! As if.

We've exhausted our knowledge of alternate communication media. But we're sure you can come up with of your own; post them in the comments.

UPDATE, 5:34 PM ET: GMail appears to be back, as indicated in the comments.

(Pic via)

In tomorrow's Health section will be an article by one Ms. Lesley Alderman, whose wide, circumspect research deeply penetrates one of the key mysteries of the universe: how to further solve the problem of a limp dick. Those Viagra pills are too expensive! At $15 a pop, we learn, science has been forced to come up with alternatives. Like a so-called "penis pump", or a "vacuum erection device," Alderman writes. Behold the future:

It works like this: you place a tube on the penis and then pump the air out of the tube, which pulls blood into the penis. When the penis is erect, you then put a snug ring around the base to maintain the erection, which lasts long enough to have sex. The cost for the device, which requires a prescription, can run from $300 to $600, but most insurers and Medicare will cover part of the cost and the device should last for years. Even if you spend $300 out of pocket and use the device once a week, you'll be spending much less per year than on pills or injections. You can also buy a nonprescription pump online (even Amazon carries some) for as little as $30, Dr. McCullough said.

A non-prescription penis pump, you say? Available for your average consumer? Science is incredible.

When you're not inflating your penis with a Medicare-purchased vacuum erection device - which, it should be noted, is different than an average house vacuum, sans attachment - you can give "self-administered injections of alprostadil" a shot. Literally. It's a drug that helps blood vessels expand, and you mainline it straight into your procreation device with a hypodermic needle. Let's face it: there's no greater turn-on than a penis shot right before some good, sweet loving. Especially if you're high on Meth. The New York Times neglects to inform you that this innovation was preceded by AC/DC almost 20 years ago in the 1990 classic, "Shot of Love."

But the best way to regard upkeep of penises (or the keeping up of) is, as always, living a healthy lifestyle:

"Erectile problems may show up about three years before a cardiovascular event such as a heart attack or stroke," says Dr. Ira Sharlip, clinical professor of urology at the University of California, San Francisco..."There is increasing evidence that we can reverse erectile dysfunction with lifestyle changes," says Dr. Drogo K. Montague, director of the Center for Genitourinary Reconstruction in the Glickman Urological and Kidney Institute at Cleveland Clinic.

Great news for everyone but AC/DC, whose engorged testicles could get in the way of hopping on the treadmill. Otherwise, you, too, can begin your firm commitment to your penis, today. As with everything, exercise is tragically, sadly the final answer.

First, it should be noted that any New Yorker in their right mind wouldn't be caught in tourist trap CPK; sure, they have decent salads, if you want pear and Gorgonzola on your pizza, they have it, and if you work on Park in the 30s, it's a great place to go, I guess. That being said, the Page Six reports issues with Ruthie's dining experience:

Slinking into the East Side eatery with a young female friend, she ordered a salad and white wine, but quickly got flustered. "The waiter said she was upset because she had coupons and they expired before she could use them," a witness told us, adding that several diners told the waiters they shouldn't serve her. One bit of good news for Ruth, though — she'd just learned her Ponzi-schemer hubby, Bernie Madoff, will be locked away in upstate Otisville, the prison his lawyer had requested. "I'm so glad! It's just what we wanted," she gushed to her dining companion. On her way out, one female diner shouted "Goodnight, Ruth!" The frosty-blond Madoff ignored her, but her dining partner cringed.

Emphasis mine. Really, that's kind of sweet, that she was gushing about her hubby being close to her. Maybe she's eyeing it for an investment! Their stock just went up five percent, though I don't know how much the introduction of a Cheeseburger Pizza will help them. And honestly, CPK isn't the type of company that's above serving Ruth Madoff. Seriously.

That being said, we've done Ruth the favor of highlighting some promotions that she can more than take advantage of over the next few weeks as she adjusts to her new fiscal disposition. Lucky for her, it's Restaurant Week in New York, beginning tomorrow!

Look at all of these awesome Upper East Side eateries Ruth can take advantage of in her quest to shave a little scrilla here and there! Finally, in lieu of correcting that whole Pizza/Salad debacle, she can trek out to Williamsburg, where one of New York Times soon-to-retire food critic Frank Bruni's (and my!) new favorite pizza joints resides: Motorino has a great $10 prix-fixe lunch that comes with a personal pizza AND a salad. Also, Williamsburg hipsters will no doubt enjoy the ironic cache that comes with having Ruth Madoff in your neighborhood. A win-win situation for everyone!

PIZZA PREDICAMENT FOR RUTH MADOFF [Page Six]

Things you should know about getting a free Slurpee on a hot-as-balls summer day: it's gonna be tough, so bear down. We suggest wearing riot gear, or at least making some kind of scene so people will be okay with you cutting in line. Maybe an oversized costume, so people will be charmed - har har, how cute, he's dressed as a giant iPod or whatever - and let you pass through. Maybe buy a single Miniature Reese's Peanut Butter Cups so you don't have to wait, and you can snap your fingers and be all like, I'M A PAYING CUSTOMER, GODDAMNIT, MOVE. BY THE WAY I HEAR THIS SLURPEE IS FREE. IS THIS TRUE? Or maybe you might just have to wait it out.

Gawker's crack team of culinary experts does not suggest mixing flavors on this day - it's July 11th, 7/11, get it? - and you know some flavors will be more well-tended to than others, more often than not, the Coca Cola one. Go with that.

Today is also a wonderful day for 7/11 to trot out a bunch of cute, press-releasey trivia on the Slurpee. Ready?

• Slurpee drinks are all served at 28 degrees.
  
  
• Slurpee was "invented" when some sodas were put in a freezer to cool them down - and they became all slushy.
  
  
• Winnipeg, Canada is generally thought to be the Slurpee capital of the world, due to their amazing Slurpee fanaticism.
  
  
• When Slurpee first hit the market, it wasn't self-serve. The machine was behind the counter and the clerk served the product to you.
  
  
• At Slurpee, we call it a BrainFreeze. The scientific name for it is Sphenopalatine Ganglioneuralgia. Really.
  
  
• Sugar is the anti-freezing agent in most Slurpee drinks.
  
  
• American Slurpee is injected with air. Canadian Slurpee is not. [Ed. Fuckin' Canadians. HA! Yet again, another way in which we trump you. Our Slurpees have air.]
  
  
• Every day more than 11.6 million Slurpee drinks are consumed around the world.
  
  
• n 2004, 7-Eleven created an edible Slurpee straw. [Ed. Excuse me? Is this edible plastic we're talking about? Genius. I love to chew on plastic. Seriously.]
  
  
• Only one private individual owns a bona fide Slurpee machine. The rest are in 7-Eleven.

Wonderful! Other things you may not have been aware of that you might want to be: Last year's food riots aren't so far in the past, speaking of riots! Last month world hunger "reached the 1 Billion Mark." The globalizing forces of the world are now thinking that maybe people dying everywhere from a lack of free Slurpees might not be so good, so they're staring at teenage asses and then tossing a bunch of money at the problem and we're gonna see what happens, starting with the whole "teach a village of landlocked people how to fish" idiom and moving forward from there. Anyway. Just something to think about when you're sucking down that wonderful cup of icy goodness. In the First World, we get free Slurpees. Everywhere else, you just go hungry. Sigh. Anyway, remember: don't mix flavors! Meanwhile, the ICEE Bear goes in his cave of Cherry Awesome and cries.

Free Slurpee Day Coming To A 7-Eleven Near You [Associated Content]
7-11 Store Locations [7-11]
G8 Summit Tackles Food Supplies [BBC via Modern Ghana]
Google Image Results For "Hunger Riots" [Google Image Search]

For example: those Keystone Cops defending the great state of Michigan came through in the clutch when it took nine of them to report to and taser a stuffed toy cougar (of the large scary junglecat variety) hidden in a discarded drain pipe. Even better than the 911 call of someone frantically reporting a toy cougar in their backyard (hysterically documented here) is the fact that, yes, cops tased a stuffed toy cougar. But stuffed cougars aren't fun - they don't scream! You know what does?

A child, of course. A bunch of prison guards in separate incidents on their favorite day of the year - Take Your Kids To Work/Maximum Security Prison Day, naturally - decided to give their kids a few volts experience of what it's like to be brutalized!

As part of demonstrations at two prisons, children held hands in a circle, and one was shocked with the stun gun, passing the shock around the circle. At another prison, children were shocked individually.

Problem is, you light up some kids, you get in trouble. Raving maniacs, on the other hand, get an "it's cool." Last September, NYPD cops killed a man after he fell two stories to the ground post-tasing. They tased a Naked Wizard at Coachella, even though you know Devenda Banhart would totally get away with this:

Naked Wizard Tased By Reality from Tracy Anderson on Vimeo.

They taser b-list celebrities! Pastors! Shit, they can just straight up kill moody teenagers via tasing and get away with it!

Taser-fever shows no sign of dying out any time soon. Sure, people are arguing for regulations, trying to convince local officials wherever that there actually might be some harm in delivering thousands of volts into people as standard operating procedure, but come on, cops love it! It sure looks prettier than a curbside nightstick beating. And now, there's even meta-tasering: the people who make the original Taser are suing the guys behind Second Life, because you can human-cattle-prod people there now, too. I'd note something about this being "shocking," har har, but, yeah: it's not.

• Don't say 'If you were offended...'—Or words to that effect. Which is what the Post did, essentially. People aren't all that smart, but they're smart enough to detect the inherent insincerity in this formulation: "Sorry you're so sensitive."
• Don't let the lawyers write it—Lawyers do nothing but cover your ass (and theirs). Apologies are simply not what they're made for. Vicki Iseman, McCain's lobbyist friend, is now pissed at the Times for issuing a lawyer-crafted note about the story, then immediately crowing to staff that they didn't apologize. So how can you ensure that your non-apology is satisfactory?
• Exhibit a thin, perceptible veneer of contrition—A good non-apology must allow both parties to salvage their own pride. This is done by using insincerity coated in a thin candy shell of contrition. Overly broad words help everyone swallow the thing. "I am sincerely sorry for this incident." Why are you sorry? Doesn't matter! Maybe because the other party is such a chump, who knows. But don't outright imply that, see? "We sincerely regret that this ever happened." You can apply these to any situation, almost!
• Let it be known QUIETLY that you had no reason to apologize—Don't just blast out a note to the whole world mocking your own non-apology as some legalistic bullshit. Just drop that fact very smoothly in the course of conversations with people who you feel should be made to understand that you're not guilty of whatever. You can even wink, in real life, as you do so!
• Both sides must tacitly agree to accept that they won—The recipient of the non-apology is entitled to walk away telling everyone that he was proven right. The giver of the non-apology is entitled not to have their face rubbed in it to the extent that they're tempted to be honest about how fake it was. It's like playing basketball with a child, and graciously letting them win. It's fine as long as they're a good sport. If they start getting too proud of themselves then you have you REJECT them, and then the crying starts, and it's all a big mess. Just learn to get along with your enemies, and save everyone a headache.

We sincerely regret that you had to read this entire post.

This guy just needs to call his local precinct and ask what he owes. There will be money penalties for ignoring/losing the tickets, but not jail time. The tickets that carry jail time for this kind of stuff if you ignore them don't demand money—they demand that you sit in court all day until a judge calls you and tells you to pay $20 for being a fucking idiot. The tickets most people get just get more and more expensive as long as you don't pay them.

There's also this possibility, according to City Room:

"Bruce Turner, 43, said he was ticketed [for an open container] during a barbecue on Memorial Day weekend near his home in East New York. [He] showed up on Wednesday after missing his first summons in July. To his surprise, he was told that his case had been dismissed."

But seriously, dude. Just call your precinct.

Adds our tipster,

"Regardless of whether or not you have an answer, I think an 'advice' email address would do us functioning alcoholic New Yorkers a service, and shit, you know you'd get nothing but entertaining e-mails in that inbox!"

That's exactly what we're afraid of.

The second step is somebody leaking that query letter to a publishing blog or maybe the Observer or something.

The third step is your Dad doing a Google search and not talking to you for several weeks. (Sorry, Dad!)

Step four: Denial, bargaining.

Step five: Ulcer & shrink time. Shrink asks me for advice on how to promote his book. Wants a mention here.

Step six: OMG, a date just Googled you! Go back to step three.

Step seven: "Fuck it." Freedom! Rinse & repeat. After that, my friends, it's smooth sailing ahead.

See? It's easy. Don't be afraid to follow your dreams!

[The key: Purplish-pink for traditional strongholds of the rich that will remain unscathed. Red for core neighborhoods that are probably too gentrified now to roll back significantly. Pink for marginal hoods, where a recession could send gentrifiers fleeing. And grey for wilderness neighborhoods, where yuppies would fear to tread after The Poors and other non-glamorous types take them back for good.]

[Map by Steven Dressler]

• Drinking is a traditional refuge in hard economic times. New York needs to save at least one industry, given that finance and media are fucked. Longtime nightlife chronicler Steve Lewis suggests that New York state
  

  "wrest control of liquor sales from community boards and hand it over to the State Liquor Authority. The SLA used to be seen as a regulatory body with an eye on the bottom line. Issuing licenses to responsible people generated tax revenue and jobs... Right now a virtual moratorium on new liquor licenses and constant attacks on the club industry are severely hurting the New York economy."

  Let's preserve the right to get wasted — and the right to make money out of other people getting wasted!

• That said, if you're short on cash: bring a flask. Everywhere.
  
  
• If you forget your flask and you meet some new people at the bar, try the "Oh my God, I just lost my job!" sob story. It will guarantee you a free drink if you say it with the right amount of patheticness.
  
  
• Use a condom, each and every time. Just one, though! If you find yourself going through two or three a day, you may want to consider having less sex.
  
  
• Rent parties? We read about them in Malcolm X's autobiography once. Bring 'em back! They used to have them during the last Depression: gather all your friends, buy some cheap alcohol, and charge money at your door. Rent: almost made.
  
  
• Food: a problem. Wheat and grain or whatever else is going up, which is why $2 slices are now like $2.50. Blackbook suggests cheap Chinese food, but scoff at more lowbrow delights: "maybe getting lunch from a food cart is a tad too extreme." No it's not!
  
  We also suggest buying "groceries". As the gentle Megan told the protagonist in Bright Lights, Big City:
  

  "'I'm going to teach you to purchase and make a meal.'
  
  In the next aisle she introduces you to two cans of clams. Ordinarily, she says, she would use fresh clams and fresh pasta, but she doesn't want to scare you on your first lesson."

• Details has this thing on "yuppie survivalists" called "preppers." Like the old coots in Wyoming who bury guns in the back yard, except they stock up on Poland Spring in their home's mudroom.
  
  
• Related: for no discernible reason, we recently received an old copy of a book called Tom Brown's Field Guide to City and Suburban Survival. Would you like to know some common urban edibles? Blackberries, burdock, cattails, clovers, and dandelions. Brown also suggests dumpster-diving, just like the common hipster freegans we (previously) liked to harass so much. However: he does not suggest you become a "dumpster gourmet" unless you are "truly hungry."

The Definitive Palin: Tina Fey on Saturday Night Live. Do not attempt this.

Trannie Palin: Lucky Cheng's in Manhattan had a Sarah Palin Drag Show!

Gay Pride Palin: Very similar to Trannie Palin, except it took part at San Francisco's most recent Folsom Street Fair, "the grandaddy of all leather events."

Stripper Palin: Is there a brunette dancing girl with glasses in your strip club? That would be such a great money-making gimmick right now.

Beauty Pageant Palin: Finally, we got ahold of PR at the Ricky's Halloween store. She suggested this. "We've created a Sarah Palin costume. It's a sash that says "Ms. Alaksa" on one side and "Ms. Vice President" on the other. It comes with glasses."