A pornography company offered a famous beauty contest loser lots of money to distribute video tapes they already possess of her masturbating. Google has scooters. And hellishly lengthy weddings. Adam Lambert wants to lick your gross vagina. He will turn back into a pumpkin if he appears too gay, obv. Ivanka Trump does not like it when you point out that she and her husband are terrible businesspeople.

Goin' Rogue is a wonderful read, as long as you don't actually read it. (And please don't judge it based on its skin. Though you should judge Newsweek for cruelly taking a publicity photo Palin arranged to present herself in what she thought would be a flattering light to one audience and presenting it to a less fawning audience. It is sexist to think she looks ridiculous! Also it is sexist to be Nicole Wallace!)

January Jones is the worst. The word of the year is still "barely rewritten press release." Make sure to buy someone on your list the popular "Twilight Vampire Guy Sock Puppet." The weirdo playboy guy is maybe a front for some sort of private security firm. Everyone at AP has been laid off. Lady Gaga was on Gossip Girl. No one wants to see Naomi Watts' stupid stroller ever again! Growing up in Canada, young Graydon Carter loved nothing more than his beloved sled. And Eddie Haskell. It is still totally fun to be a dictator's son. Malibu estate! Rodeo Drive shopping sprees! Whee!

Nowadays we can't even bother to pay attention to the scripted-for-the-cameas mock fights between people we aren't sure we're supposed to know why they're famous when they happen right before our very eyes. Thank god we have our faith to guide us. Our faith that god will kill the president, because we dislike him. It's on a t-shirt and everything. Brooklyn Decker is the real-life name of a real-life human who is on tv. The Hills is apparently Apartment 3G. Michele Bachmann's still got it! You probably shouldn't advertise booze with pictures of people driving. Mississippi: still racist after all these years. Haaa McDonald's doing the McCafe thing again. (There is totally an untouched McCafe McDonald's somewhere down in Gowanus or something. Bleeding edge!)

Barry is so skinny and it worries Matt Drudge so much. Texas banned marriage, which seems fair enough. Page Six is going after this naked teenager from Alaska, for some reason. The obvious Top Chef finalists became the official Top Chef finalists. Facebook is getting sued for all the money in the world. The kids on the Glee show are still singing. Sing sing sing. I dunno. People seem to be pretty into it? Limelight is going to be a shopping mall. HAH.

People keep putting Sandra Bullock in movies!

James Franco won all the National Book Awards because he is dreamy. Oprah decided to kill the concept of daytime television. Courtney Semel is not a very nice friend. Fox News won't stop digging. Someone, somewhere, actually wrote something truthful on their YouTube profile. (It was a murderer.) Restaurant owners are dicks, especially ones who email everyone to yell at them. Don't look at Jude Law. 30 Rock was just OK last night. Thank christ this season of Project Runway is over, though.

Hope you all enjoy your Florida Honeymoon! Just don't venture too far from home, because you will end up stranded.

He is such a hunk, too. Look at him! Do ladymags still feature hairy naked Republican dudes? Anyone? Jezebel?

Wonkette first discovered this hot piece in 2007, when Brown was reading obscenity-laced Facebook comments to horrified youths.

Now he's throwing his hat and tiny white shorts into the ring and running for the late Ted Kennedy's US Senate Seat.

Newsweek asks if perchance there would be a little more attention paid to a lady who posed for naked pictures back in the day running for office, but it didn't stop Hillary Clinton!

This week's Paris Match has a number of pictures of Ms. Stone shot by Alix Malka in which she rocks a corset and little else. We would say she looks good for her age, but she just looks good! There's an accompanying article but — zut alors! — it's in French. At least there are pretty pictures. [Fleshbot, NSFW]

At left In this picture taken near Grand Central Station is an as-the-good-lord-made-her Bar Refaeli on the cover of Esquire. At right is dirty, dirty pornography. Below is the uncensored GQ cover. You can't even see his penis!The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

The Wall Street Journal declares the Gilded Era "Gone," which would seem more meaningful if it was in the context of some solemn, ponderous front page screed on the folly of late Twentieth-Century capitalism, rather than a story about rich people in Florida auctioning off their wildebeest heads and Ferraris so they can go buy a cabin in the mountains.

But that's significant too! Who are you kidding? Anything that would make a rich retiree in Vero Beach wake up one morning, smack himself in the head, and say, "We don't need all this stuff any more" is bound to be a good, meaningful thing. Having sold off all their accumulated crap for pennies on the dollar, the formerly rich retreat to the countryside. Where they will probably live in a prefab home or some sort of trailer, since new home construction just hit an all time low.

Luckily there are rotting home carcasses by the thousands available all across America! Back to nature—or at least back to suburbia—is the comforting wave of the future, for those still rich enough to afford it. For the poor, it's nudity and camping. Which is good, because NUDITY PAYS. Economic revival is as close as woodland sex orgies with former wealthy Floridians!
[Pic via]

The photo was taken—and widely circulated—last December, while the Obamas were on vacation in Hawaii. The Washingtonian's decision to put it on the cover was unadulterated outrage-bait, and the gambit has succeeded.

ABC News' Karen Travers and Jake "The Octogon" Tapper wondered last night whether a nation "in the throes of an economic crisis and two wars...want[s] more headlines about a 'Pec-tacular' 'Buff Bam'." The horribly named FishbowlNY asks, "Are we the only ones worrying this is sort of inappropriate?" The even more horribly named WoWoWow asks its readers, "Is it innocent? Fun? Disrespectful? Degrading?"

These questions are false. There is nothing wrong with running a shirtless picture of Obama, especially four months after everyone in the world already ran the picture. And no one who's asking these questions actually cares about the answer. (Though, no doubt, they would be happy to jump right into a cab if you'd like to book them on your cable show to discuss this pressing issue.) When they saw the Washingtonian cover, various editors and writers thought, "Cool! I'd like to run that photo, too, because people will be interested in it since it's interesting that we have a potentially sexually attractive president." But they think too highly of themselves to simply say, "Hey, look at Barack Obama's chest again, just like in December." So—voila!—it's an ethical issue to present to their discriminating readers.

FIshbowlNY presents its fauxtrage in gender terms: "Now imagine someone deciding to run a similar cover of Michelle." Trust us, we've been imagining it. Too bad it will never happen because Michelle Obama has female breasts.

But we certainly could imagine someone running similar pictures of Ronald Reagan! In fact, here, for your edification, is a photo illustration of almost every post-war president shirtless, made out of real photos taken by the awful media.

What we have more trouble imagining is someone changing the color of the president of the United States' clothes in Photoshop, as the Washingtonian did—his swimming trunks were black in the original photo and maroon on the magazine's cover—so it would fit their design scheme better. But no one seems to care about that.

The consensus, Washingtonian, you savvy marketers you, is that you are stretching at the limits of appropriate journalism and ought to get back to the real news that people care about. You've put your reputation at risk with this prurient prank. We hope you've learned your lesson.

The unblurred wardrobe malfunction (courtesy of Survivor Sucks), after the jump (NSFW):

• Male Nudity Makes "Survivor" a Major Flop [TMZ]

He's suing the men who ran the old magazine Eros, claiming he lent some of the photos from the collection (called The Last Sitting) and these gents never returned them. So he's demanding that the precious, irreplaceable photos be returned or, you know, they could just give him $700,000 and do whatever they want with 'em. Hell, either way he's asking for an additional $1,000,000 in punitive damages. (Man, 45 years after her death, the Marilyn economy is booming! Some dude in Australia just paid $14,500 for 2 1/2 minutes of Marilyn footage. That's 90-something dollars a second!)

I think we can all learn a little something from Mr. Stern, who hasn't stopped working entirely, but cashed in early and never looked back (or, I guess you could say he looks back all the time). Someone will still be interested in hokey philosophical musings on The Hills in 40 years, right? 'Cause I don't have any savings.

She says she was protected by "a wooden fence approximately five feet tall" in her yard, but the defendants nevertheless trespassed to photograph and expose her unclothed body to the wilds of the internet. For shame!

We couldn't find any definitive candidates while digging around Egotastic. The closest Miami shots appear to be Helena Christensen (but she was at the beach with her boyfriend) or Brooke Hogan (but she's not nude, or a supermodel). So who is it? Guesses about this matter of legal import in the comments.

UPDATE: Elsa Benitez?

[Courthouse News]

on sunday my partner and i were walking down saline beach and who do we see??? that crazy climbing 'social' bitch alex mccord and her gay husband simon... with their kids. they were at the end of the beach, in a sort of wash area where runoff gets trapped in a pool. walked over, and was freaked out because they were butt as naked. kids too. i mean, really. saw simon's junk, and the bare ass and tits of the REAL HOUSEWIFE. they weren't trying to hide their ASSets at all. listen, this is st barts, and naked it ALL OVER, and i love that the french are so free... but it ALWAYS creeps me out when americans go topless here because i know it's not really our custom... but
DAMN, completely nude?? a 'celebrity'??? PS - simon's cock kind of big, just too bad it's attached to such a douche.

[Stereo Hell via Copyranter at Animal]

While James' blonde co-star in grainy quasi-sex tape magic does admittedly have one hell of a (fake) rack, we fear this aspirational photo shoot most likely filmed in an effort to turn Blunt into the next Dirk Diggler and Dourdan into the next Buck Swope will flop — mainly due to that extraneous boat-climbing fellow with the overly tight Hawaiian trunks and Blunt's far-from-beautiful paunch.

[Photo credits: X17]

• POSH BLUNT'S TOPLESS BABES [The Sun]

V Magazine got veteran fashion photographer Mario Testino to convince Gisele to pose for these pictures, which she said "only Mario could make me take." Boy, let's hope so. What makes you think everyone wants to see your body, you tart?

[via Fashion Week Daily]

[Made in Brazil via Queerty]

Mort said of a scene in her show, the sexually frank "Tell Me You Love Me," where we see a man's penis:

"A guy's penis is the same as a woman's breast or vagina. I don't understand the difference in respect to showing something. But people really do freak out about the guys."

"There is a moment of shock," she admitted. "But I really believe it's less about women having to do it, or men having to do it, but more that there is no reason any longer to not show what you need to show—male or female. Guys just have to get used it. That's just the way it is."

On another note, there seems to be some confusion about Mort's age: the Observer reported it as 47, the Daily Mail reported her to be 33, and another gossip site said she was 51.

Members Only [NY Observer]
[Photo: Daily Mail]

[WWD]