Of course, when your job is to protect the President of the United States, and the first black one at that, it goes without saying, but "strong concern" is the default position. Early on, however, it was really, really bad: one such threat resembles most of them, and take a guess what kind it was. Ready? Yeah: White, former Marine, even had a name for it. "Operation: Patriot." Scary, much?

The Marine, Kody Brittingham, a 20-year-old lance corporal, wrote that he had taken an oath to "protect against all enemies, both foreign and domestic." In a signed "letter of intent," tucked away in his barracks at Camp Lejeune, he identified a "domestic enemy" he planned to eliminate last winter: President Obama.

Creepy white domestic terrorists are the worst kind of creepy. They're not even exotic. And they're predictable in their lameness, too, all creeping out of the woodwork whenever a Democrat gets elected to office. The White House and Secret Service, before Obama was in office, started intercepting a number of threats raising "deep concern." As the Secret Service almost never comments on procedure as a matter of policy—if ever—it's probably safe to assume this was a euphemism for "record amounts."

Though the threats peaked early, they're still trying to discern the difference in how seriously to deal with, say, the Arizona pastor who prayed for Obama to die and the airport security guard in New Jersey who has an arsenal of 43 guns and hollow-point bullets at the ready. That's this charmer, John Brek, who only went to jail for 29 days.

Interestingly enough, Rahm Emmanuel is the guy Homeland Security secretary Janet Napolitano—whose agency has overseen the Secret Service since it was taken over from the Department of Treasury in 2003—reviews everything accumulated by their Internet Threat Desk with every week. Rahm—scary in his own right—is the one sorting through these things, which is somehow reassuring. But there've been far more and far worse ones than we've been privy to. This is where it gets interesting:

A review of dozens of court records and police reports by The New York Times uncovered an array of cases, most of which did not gain public attention even as they rang alarm bells at some of the highest levels of the government. Some involved suspects with a history of violence or mental illness and easy access to guns and explosives, while others involved men whose menacing talk was ultimately deemed to be just that by the authorities.

You know the old saying: Guns don't shoot people, gun-owners shoot people with guns. Both are subject to malfunction and are terrifying. The number of threats against the President spiked again this summer, and naturally, the Secret Service sees the depressed economy as the impetus behind the increased amount of threats. Yet between the Party Gatecrashers incident, the report of the way-more-than-we-knew numbers, and the increased likelihood of this country spawning more and more people who are scared, angry, hungry and pissed with each dollar they find themselves short, we're a long way from any security climate resembling normal.

The further we go, the deeper the hole to fall: especially after the presidency of George W. Bush, which openly encouraged and provoked fanaticism and Christian extremism from the top, electing a black president was never not going to come with these problems. The only comfort anyone can take in this is, I guess, that it didn't stop people from doing so.

Young Ragamuffin Asks Obama to Legalize Drugs and Prostitution
In a town hall meeting today, a student asked Obama if legalizing drugs, prostitution, and other awesome things would stimulate the economy. Obama, ever the square, totally shot him down. Dammit.

Fist-Pumping Jersey Video Re-Affirms New Jersey is Full of Jackasses
Jersey doesn't have self-service gas stations. So people from New Jersey don't pump their gas, they pump their fists. This video makes that fact abundantly clear.

Quentin Tarantino Right at Home in Nonsensical Japanese Commercial
It's really hard to tell what product Quentin Tarantino is even advertising here. And the language barrier doesn't make it any easier. It just involves the director, a talking dog, and a samurai suit.

Judd Apatow Parody Rips Hole in Space-Time-Comedy Continuum
This movie is an insult to the mouth-breathers who enjoyed Epic Movie. The trailer for The 40 Year Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall and Felt Superbad About It, is worse than you can possibly imagine. (NSFW)

Out of Control Carwash Hose Seeks Revenge
The carwash hose-underappreciated, taken for granted. Well not anymore. Today is the day the hose stands up and fights for respect, equal rights-freedom. And hilariously drenches two guys in the process.

Candidate #1: Arlington, Tennessee mayor Russell Wiseman, who took to his Facebook page with a message of despair upon learning that Obama's speech had trumped Charlie Brown, on the teevee. We'll just blockquote this thoroughly worthwhile Commercial Appeal story:

"Ok, so, this is total crap, we sit the kids down to watch 'The Charlie Brown Christmas Special' and our muslim president is there, what a load.....try to convince me that wasn't done on purpose. Ask the man if he believes that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and he will give you a 10 minute disertation (sic) about it....w...hen the answer should simply be 'yes'...."...

In Wiseman's extensive thread that attacked the president, his supporters and Muslims, he stated "...you obama people need to move to a muslim country...oh wait, that's America....pitiful."

At another point he said, "you know, our forefathers had it written in the original Constitution that ONLY property owners could vote, if that has stayed in there, things would be different........"

No further comment. Contestant #2: News Corp! Which just bought a 10% stake in Rotana, a media company owned by Saudi Prince Waleed. Why the outrage? Well after September 11, you see, various Fox News commentators were outraged at Waleed! Because he suggested that maybe US foreign policy had something to do with the attacks. So NYC rejected a $10 million check from him. Media Matters has some choice quotes:

Bill Sammon: "[I]t's blood money and we're better off without it."
Sean Hannity: Al-Waleed's statement was "such an egregious, outrageous, unfair offense that I would have nothing to do with his money either."

Unless that money comes in the form of dividends from media company profits! So, vote for your god damn favorite. [Pic via]

"A local reporter attempting to cover President Obama's speech at West Point this week was not allowed in when he told security officials he had a hunting gun in the trunk of his car." And people try to criticize the Secret Service!


Monday is the deadline for the latest round of voluntary buyouts at the New York Times. Keith Kelly says only about 50 people will go voluntarily, which probably means about another 50 will have to be laid off. Happy holidays.


Ha, the Dallas Morning News has essentially taken itself out of the "journalism" business by having section editors report to the business side of the paper. The publisher dismisses the uproar: "I guess at the end of the day the only way I'll convince people is to tell them to check back in 90 days, 180 days, 365 days and see if anything has changed." Yea, you'd like that, wouldn't you? But we'd rather just never read you again, on principle.


A Nov. 10 "New Global Indian" online column [in the WSJ] by New York City freelance writer Mona Sarika has been found to contain information that was plagiarized from several publications, including the Washington Post, Little India, India Today and San Francisco magazine. At least, that's how I'd put this item, in my own words.

From Evan Osnos, at the New Yorker:

The U.S. Embassy has been straining, in vain, to get the Chinese government to change the official Chinese transliteration of Obama, from 奥巴马 to 欧巴马-basically, from Ao Ba Ma to Ou Ba Ma.

They never succeeded, because the incorrect translation popped up first and spread everywhere. And China own America now and could have slapped his ass and called him Charlie if they'd wanted to.

"Much flurried by this," said news service KCNA, dusting down its pantaloons and adjusting its three-cornered hat, "the group of warships of the South Korean forces hastily took to flight to the waters of their side."

Much flurried? Took to flight? Forsooth, I verily demand this pre-Victorian language in more news stories on the region. Our Lord Obama will board his schooner for the East soon. Lo! Let us garland him with such words as he endeavors to bring back spices and silk from these mystical lands.

While the White House maybe would not have chosen to leak this audio (or would they?), the only people who'll be able to hate on Obama for this tape will be Glenn Beck, and...Glenn Beck. Obama's agreeing with the Republican position here! As he has in the past! Rappers need to stop acting like jerks! The rest of the tape is just him shooting the shit with the press corps, which also serves him well by fostering the common man's daydream of maybe hanging out with the prez one day. Chilling.

And does anybody actually care that ABC's Terry Moran tweeted this crap, then deleted it, because maybe this HOT story was off the record? No, it is just a talking point. Using off-camera footage is a fine tradition in the media. Look at any Michael Moore movie. And as you hear Obama on this clip, jokingly asking for things to be off the record after he already called the world's most famous hip hop artist a 'jackass,' in a room full of reporters, it's clear that he doesn't really give a shit. Neither should anyone else.

It is kinda funny though.

Strike One: First, they jumped a Liberian immigrant and beat him with a metal pipe. He did not get the chance to educate them on the distinction between "African" and "African-American."

Strike Two: They "demanded that a Hispanic man tell them how he had voted."

Strike Three: They got in the car and ran down Ronald Forte—a white guy wearing a hoodie. They thought he looked black.

Now all four of them have been sentenced to prison terms ranging from five to nine years.

Race-blind racists. MLK's dream is here.

"White male, 20 to 30 years old, 5-8 or 5-9, short dark hair, thin build, low voice. . . . White male, 6-2, 200 pounds, chubby, scruffy beard. . . . Hispanic male, 25, 5-10 to 6 feet, thin, olive complexion, cleanshaven. . . . Tall male, black, early 20s, medium build . . . White male, 25, muscular build, athletic, spiked hair standing straight up. . . .

"Here's one for you: Unknown Middle Eastern male."

Sounds like OBAMA.

[Washington Post]

• Initial reports cited DJ AM's death as a simple overdose, but a medical exam found 8 undigested OxyContin in his stomach, which leads at least once source to say his death was suicide. A Valentine's card from his ex-girlfriend was found near his body. TMZ, however, talked to police sources who insist it was not suicide. Still, this is sad and we don't like it. [People and TMZ]
  
  
• Britain's food-obsessed Harden Guide cited four of Gordon Ramsay's restaurants as a "disappointment." Another reviewer suggested the celebrity chef "hang [his] head in shame." [Daily Mail]
  
  
• David Beckham's so worried that his children will be America-fied that he makes them watch BBC. Isn't that child abuse? [The Sun]
  
  
• Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama will speak at a memorial for fallen newsman Walter Cronkite. Oh, so will Les Moonves, Katie Couric and many, many others. [B&C]
  
  
• Rumor has it that designer Derek Lam's company has been losing about $1 million a month. [Page Six]
  
  
• Holy God, why? Spencer Pratt wants to legally change his name to "King Spencer Pratt." What a prat. [Star]
  
  
• Kate Hudson and A-Rod have only been dating for five months, but she's always at his apartment, even when he's not there. That's creepy and weird and sad. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Hahahaha! Real Housewives of New York cast members Ramona Crazy Eyes, Kelly Bensimon and "the Countess" all accosted Alec Baldwin in the Hamptons, but he didn't recognize them. Sad! When he was told who they were, he made fun of the show. But, he did ask about Bethenny Frankel, who he did want to meet. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Madonna's youngin' boyfriend Jesus Luz fancies himself a deejay, but those familiar with his musical selections say otherwise: "In his last gig at Pacha, in Buzios, guests at the club said his set list wasn't captivating at all, and the dance floor was almost empty." Tear. [Page Six]
  
  
• Gossip Girl actors Penn Badgley and Matthew Settle hung out with hooker-beating ShamWow pitchman Vince Offer. [Page Six]

How bad did Barrett get whupped? Bad, according to the hometown Journal Sentinel! (He also punched the other guy so there is no shame, it's all manly).

John Barrett said the assailant threatened to use a gun and then punched the 55-year-old mayor so hard in the abdomen that he buckled.

The man then told Barrett to lie facedown on the ground.

"This is when Tom thinks, 'Yikes, this guy could kill me,' " John Barrett said.

At that point, the mayor came up swinging, and the assailant, Anthony J. Peters, 20, opened up an extendable, police-style baton and started beating him, John Barrett said.

He busted like three or four of his teeth out and shattered his hand! But then the phone rang and, that's right, it was Barack Obama calling to wish him well, and he said he was "proud" of Barrett, and Barrett probably swelled with pride a little bit on the inside, and then they made some jokes about baseball. When Barrett gets all his bones fixed he may run for governor, and win.
[Pic: AP]

According to the AP, all of this was just a big misunderstanding, as the poor verbally-flogged student asked Clinton for President Obama's opinion on China's offer to loan money to the Congo, but the obviously incompetent (Or perhaps evil?) interpreter said "Clinton" instead of "Obama," which provoked this response from Hillary:

My husband is not secretary of state, I am. I am not going to be channeling my husband.

Lasers then shot out of Hillary's eyes, lasers that struck the African student squarely in the genitals, burning his nether bits into pork rind-like flesh forms. It was then, as the student was doubled-over grabbing his scalded crotch in pain/horror, that Hillary opened her mouth and swallowed him whole, not even bothering to slather her unsuspecting prey with a condiment for added flavor/lubrication. Our Secretary of State is a badass who will not be disrespected by anyone, so bring it on Iran!

CNN has the video:

Oh shit. Dylan Ratigan aired an embarrassing clip of Jonathan Capehart scarfing a bagel. So this morning Capehart's mom called in and chewed Ratigan out for mocking her son. She is cool, but somehow we think this isn't making Jon look cooler. [Jon Capehart is actually cool!]


NPR's Mara Liasson is sorry that she said the "Cash for Clunkers" program was "like a mini-Katrina." What she meant to say was "like a mini-Holocaust." We are hypocritically giving you a hard time, Mara! We are worse than Pol Pot.


American psycho Glenn Beck called President Obama "racist" and now he's lost three advertisers. Procter & Gamble refuses to have its brands associated with anyone who even mentions the name of Obama, the racist fuck.


Experience! A bunch of J-school students from Alaska went with their professor to be embedded in Iraq for a month, and before they even got their press credentials they already "came within a few minutes of being hit by an IED." This is maybe America's only worthwhile J-school program. Good luck, kids.

The Jerusalem Post was somehow seduced into believing that Ronn is a respectable businessman and published a long interview with him. It is comical, as one would expect:

But money - which the Bronx boy-turned-Manhattanite admits to considering important - isn't the only thing he's after. Indeed, he insists, he's got strict red lines when it comes to clientele. The notorious Ponzi schemer Bernard Madoff, for example, whom he likens to a "mass murderer," is someone he claims he never would have represented. Ditto for terrorists or others out to harm Israel.

On the other hand, he does admire the PR prowess of some of the above, citing Al Jazeera TV as one example, and US President Barack Obama - whom he calls "a disaster" - as another.

"I don't think Obama is good for America and business," sez Ronn! These "strict red lines," though, do not preclude Ronn from having pyramid schemes or psycho pastor John Hagee or Joe Francis as clients. The other relevant thing that Ronn says in this interview:

It's true that many people in the business world today make public statements that bear little resemblance to reality.

So far the wingnuts are losing the Obama street art war, handily.

In Copenhagen. Via Per Corell.
U Street in DC. Via goimardantas.
In Jersey City. Via wallyg.
Shepard Fairey, museum-style. Via KwangSoo.
Shepard Fairey, street style. Via LoisInWonderland.
LES, NYC. Via tedjohnjacobs.
Italy is on some crazy shit. Via Max IK7TOE.
In Spokane. Via gerikasher.

[Joker pic via Newsbusters]

The most important thing that happened during Barack Obama's press conference last night: One reporter named Steve stood up and asked a question when in fact Obama had called on a different reporter named Steve. "I've apologized to Steve," said Steve. But will America-Steve relations ever recover?


Here's a beautiful Flickr gallery of the New York Times' printing factory. See it while you can!


Hurrrrummmm...the outgoing CEO of Porsche is getting a $71 million check on his way out the door, and he's decided to donate $1.4 million to associations that "serve as a support for elderly and suffering journalists." Love him, journalists! Love him!


The 174 year-old Ann Arbor (Michigan) News published its final issue today. It's folding. "Ann Arbor today becomes the first city in the country to lose its only daily newspaper." You can still follow them on Twitter.

The answer, of course, is simple:

IT'S RACIST!!!

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

For Vanity Fair, a publication that reps a cosmopolitan city like New York, at the heart of the world's melting pot, and now finds the Obamas moving more units than pretty models, to have such a narrow commercial perspective on their website is disappointing. You shouldn't need Bono to force you to open up your worldview a little. But also, luckily, this is all very fixable! Nothing some tweaks and a new matrix can't get right. In fact we might be able to get started here.

Negropedia rummaged around in his knapsack then emerged with this:

We have about 30 sites on here. We lose the continuum of news/opinion — since most sites seem to offer a mix of both as a matter of course — in order to add a cultural continuum. Feel free to add tips, suggestions etc.. Next weekend we'll have the full updated clickable Blog Mela-Matrix.

Send hate-mail, crickets, tar feathers and the rest to my home base. And with that, I'm off to lick my wounds and nurture my page-view sensitivity with a tall refreshing girly-drink. XOX -TAN

It was only hours after Negropedia had declared Slate's Jody Rosen to be in need of hip hop autotuning. And the crowd disappeared as quickly as they had arrived once the case files fell off the front page of the blog where he stashed his evidence, but the dank smell of defeat lingered.

Perhaps humbled by the angry mob, Negropedia was still undaunted. He knew he was the best — in fact, only! — Ethnocultural Blog Detective in town. More important: He knew the stately town of Mediaville needed someone to solve these mysteries of ethnocultural dissonance.

See, Negropedia felt strongly that people's perspective and choices were inevitably informed by their ethnic/cultural background. And often in Mediaville, despite no obvious ill intent, there were weird mysteries of slights, misinterpretations, and lack of sympathy resulting from what Negropedia's father called "culture gaps".

Negropedia found it odd how the folks in Mediaville loved to talk about how technology was changing the town, but never about how the face of the population was changing as well. It seemed to him that as long as America was a melting pot, someone would need to watch over mixing the ingredients to make sure things didn't get salty.

Still, these cases were tricky. And people weren't always receptive to being called out in this manner. So he'd have to be on top of his game. Even he thought the casework on the last mystery was sloppy.

As Negropedia rode to his office, he noticed a cavalcade of cars streaming alongside him. And as he turned the corner of the block where his Astoria bodega office was located he noticed a throng of men in suits looking very serious in front of his door. Negropedia didn't need to be a boy-blog genius to know what Secret Service looked like. And just as Negropedia was about to ask what was going on, the crowd of uniformed men parted and out stepped the President of the United States, Barack Obama.

Negropedia immediately stood to attention and saluted his president, "Mr. President, sir, what brings you to this neck of the woods?"

Barack looked at Negropedia warmly. He paused, nurturing the moment with his poise:

"Negropedia, as you know, my father was a black man from Kenya. My mother a white lady from Kansas. I've run on the beaches in Hawaii, and shoveled snow in Chicago. I regard diversity in experience as the primary currency for a rich perspective."

Negropedia could feel his eyes welling from emotion. Obama always made him cry.

"You know, that I know, there isn't only one way. One color. One truth." Obama continued, "And I sought you out, here, in Astoria Queens, where Greeks and Arabs both fry falafel in peace, knowing that, neither will succeed if they bicker over who originally came up with the falafel. But both will have made the world a better place if they just make the falafel as best they can."

Negropedia listened intently, but was getting hungry.

"I came to seek you out because there is a mystery that I do not understand."

Negropedia was excited for the opportunity to get started on a new case. But business is business, and times were tough, so he pointed to his sign:

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.


Obama smiled a broad grin, his ears radiating charm. "Oh, of course I'm going to pay you." He fished around in his pockets and then flipped a quarter in the air.

"At your service, Mr. President." Negropedia declared. "What's the problem?"

The President pulled out a magazine he had been holding behind his back. Vanity Fair.

"I'm a fan of Vanity Fair, Negropedia. I consider it one of the pillars of America. The editor looks like George Washington, and it's one of the flagships of our biggest media institutions. I know the book itself can skew towards a certain demographic, so I went to their website, because that's where magazines keep their freshest most up-to-date content. And I've been feeling a little behind what with Iran, and the economy, and walking the dog..."

Negropedia nodded.

"So on their home page they have a technology section. And they offer a "Blogopticon" with this description:

Navigating the blogosphere can be trying, what with everyone from Al Roker to your Wiccan cousin out in New Mexico vying for the attention of the world's billion-plus Web surfers. In an effort to make some sense of it all, Vanity Fair has charted the most influential or amusing blogs about politics, gossip, Hollywood, media, and miscellany, and located them on two basic continuums: tone and content.

And I think, awesome! Because I agree, the internet can be totally overwhelming. But as I'm looking — and it's a very handy and functional charticle-thing — but I keep looking back and feeling as if something is missing. Like there's another continuum that should be incorporated in a service like this."

Negropedia took Obama's blackberry and looked at the matrix. He started rubbing the melanin on his elbows, he always did that when thinking at maximum capacity.

Barack was now pacing, "It being Father's Day weekend and all, I can't help but wonder if there are any internet sites out there that would speak to/from his perspective (bless him). I am a man of two worlds, after all. Perhaps since entering office I've taken the "politically correct" thing to heart, but I wonder from looking at this Blog Matrix if the internet is really just a World White Web?

Negropedia gasped at the phrasing, then returned to looking at the web page with his brow furrowed. He then looked the President in his eyes earnestly,

"No, Mr. President. You're right to ask me about this. And there's two words that will quickly solve this mystery."

WHAT WERE THE TWO WORDS NEGROPEDIA USED TO SOLVE THE CASE OF THE WORLD WHITE WEB????
(click/turn to "Page 91" for the answer to the Case of Vanity Fair and the World White Web)

The new attorney general did say that, in contrast to the Bush administration, the feds would now stop raiding medical marijuana distributors in states where it was legal. But for those who got caught up when Bush was still president, they're ass-out; one owner of a California dispensary just got sentenced to a year in jail on a conviction from last summer, even though the judge tried to find a way to let him go. Mandatory minimums!

"He is caught between California's voter-approved medical marijuana system and the Bush administration's single-minded effort to smother it," said Stephen Gutwillig of the Drug Policy Alliance, an organization that favors a change in drug policy. "That Attorney General Holder changed federal policy three months ago only makes this miscarriage of justice all the more disturbing. Charlie is like a forgotten prisoner of war, abandoned after a truce was declared."

Sucks, yes. Also the LA City Council has now closed the legal loophole that turned the entire city into one big weed spot. It's like living in Russia or something.
[Pic of still-oppressed individual via]