800-Pound Man Says Hospital Kicked Him Out for Ordering a Pizza
A 33-year-old Rhode Island man, who weighs nearly 800 pounds, says the hospital where he was staying to lose weight kicked him out after he ordered a pizza.
“Critics say Coke has long cast the obesity epidemic as primarily an exercise problem. [...] Now, public health advocates say, Coca-Cola is going a step further, recruiting reputable scientists to make the case for them.”
Fat or Stupid? Scientists Say You Must Choose
Life is a series of stark choices. None starker than this: Would you rather be fat, or stupid? Do not try to weasel out of this. Science demands that you choose one, and only one.
Scientists Advocate War on Pizza
Pizza is killing your kids.
Forty Percent of Your Kids Will Get Diabetes
If you have a "young one" waddling around your home at the moment (because it is your child), I suggest you lift them off the ground with a mighty effort, shake them (as much as you're able), and scream, "There's a 40% chance you will have diabetes one day!" (until your muscles give out).
Heart Attack Grill Owner's Message: "You're Fat, Lose Some Weight"
Last night's premiere of Showtime's Morgan Spurlock-created and -presented documentary series 7 Deadly Sins focused on gluttony. The first of the show's three short profiles featured Heart Attack Grill owner "Doctor Jon" Basso twirling his proverbial mustache at the camera and positioning himself as the bad guy…
The American Medical Association reports that over one third of adults suffer from obesity nationwide and that there have been "no significant changes in obesity prevalence in youth or adults" since 2003. Is this how the American mind came to be dominated by fears of a wholly invented monster called Slender Man?
Study: You Are Not Working Out
In the past 20 years, the caloric intakes of Americans and the composition of their diets have not significantly changed. But obesity rates have steadily risen. Why? Probably because motherfuckers are not working out.
"Endless Appetizers" Mark Beginning of Our Collective National Suicide
Though famine still takes its toll on the unfortunates across the sea, the greatest nation in the world has transcended such concerns. Here, our Statue of Liberty's upraised torch beckons with the message: In America, our appetizers are endless.
Bad Place to Hide Drugs: Your Stomach Fat Rolls
A 450-lb, 42-year-old American man was arrested this weekend after he allegedly hid drugs in his stomach rolls. Christopher Mitchell was first pulled over with his friend Keithian Roberts in Volusia County, Fla. for not wearing a seatbelt. After the two appeared to act "nervously," cops had a K-9 search the scene.
Your Doctor Is Probably Not Fat-Shaming You
Last week, the Washington Post published one doctor's remembrance of the emotions associated with treating a morbidly obese patient. The doctor was condemned for purported "fat-shaming." Is your doctor really fat-shaming you?
Toddlers Are the Only Americans Who Are Not Obese
Good news in the losing battle against America's obesity: a new report finds that, in the past decade, the obesity rate for kids aged two to five has plummeted by more than 40%. These toddlers are now the only Americans fit enough for military service.
Fat Fatties Only Exercise Like an Hour a Year, Says Science
America, you're bulbous. Which is cool, if that's cool with you! The thing is, you're lazy as all get-up, too, and we have data to prove it: Obese women get one hour per year of exercise, and obese men get less than four hours. "They're living their lives from one chair to another," says a judgey researcher.
Are All These "Hot Pockets" Fanatics Already Dead?
Hot Pockets, a brand of garbage available in your grocer's freezer until this week's recall, apparently has many fans who share their love for the diseased-meat snacks on Twitter. But how many of these pre-recall Hot Pockets tweets ended in death?
Mom Gives Kids Homemade Lunch, School Forces Them to Eat Ritz Crackers
A mom who thought she was properly parenting by sending her two young kids to school with a homemade, whole-food lunch was shocked to find a penalty note from school officials informing her that the lunch of roast beef, potatoes, carrots, oranges and milk she provided was "unbalanced" and therefore had to be…
Governor's Weight Alluded to Noisily
Time magazine notes on its new cover that New Jersey governor Chris Christie is fat. [Time]
The Basic Inescapability of Fast Food for Kids
The fast food industry cares about the health of your kids. That's why the fast food industry is self-regulating when it comes to marketing their meat-poison to children. And self-regulation always works. That's why kids are still eating tons of fast food.
Bad Neighbor Will Hand Out Shaming Letters to Chubby Kids on Halloween
Vying for the title of "worst house on the block," one North Dakota woman has decided to forego apples and toothbrushes this Halloween in favor of a letter chiding parents of "moderately obese" trick-or-treaters for letting their kids eat candy.
Soldiers Are Getting Lipo to Pass the Military Fat Test
For a number of soldiers, the old drop-and-give-me-20 just isn't enough. Instead, they're resorting to quick surgery to pass the military's "fat test."
Crisis: Americans Are Waiting Too Long in Drive-Thrus
Wake up, zombie Americans! It's time to stop wasting our time jabbering about inconsequential matters like sports or cable TV shows or a "government shutdown." Our fellow citizens are, right this moment, facing an actual crisis: waiting in their cars far too long for a Sausage-n-Cheez Biscuit Combo.
