This kind of stuff cannot possibly look attractive to your theoretical disinterested observer, or "independent voter," to be literally cheering the fact that an American city—a Midwestern American city!—has lost something to a foreign city. This is like rooting for Obama's puppy to get run over. This is like if Obama said "My fellow Americans, it would be cool to see Drew Brees break the single-season passing yardage record this year" and then Michele Malkin went on the TV to pray for Bart Scott to break his leg this Sunday. (That's right, Malkin, I just compared you to a Jets fan.)

So hey, if you guys want to look like the most craven bunch of inconsistent assholes imaginable, that is your business! It does not hurt us any, for you jokers to go around shitting on America. But Politico, please, please, please stop trying to craft this "massive embarrassing Obama failure" thing into conventional wisdom. Please.

Obama never bothered to do anything about the Olympic bid until a week ago and the selection is entirely about the internal politics of the corrupt IOC—it has literally nothing to do with our own domestic politics, except that a bunch of assholes got all nutty about it, which is not news anymore.

This means the various poorly dressed and oddly coiffed young terrorist hep cats who burned the Olympic banner on the streets of the Windy City have won. Presumably they are right now pausing the Crass albums on their "Disc Mans" just long enough to cheer the failure of America. And they will be joined in that cheer by Matt Drudge!

"WORLD REJECTS OBAMA," Drudge says! That is a hilarious and easily predicted distortion! Also wasn't it weird how suddenly the right-wing hated the idea of a President trying to get America the Olympics? Like, seriously, what the fuck was that about?

Some of us were against having the Olympics in America because the IOC is run by vile old bastards, the bidding process is staggeringly corrupt, and Chicagoans, like New Yorkers, did not particularly want the Olympics, all that much. We did not want the IOC to reject our bid because Chicago has too many black criminals and because the idea of Obama trying to boost an American city enrages us, though. Why does Matt Drudge hate America? (Note: Chicago is part of America!)

Here we have the forces of American Exceptionalism and unrepentant jingoism teaming up with dreadlocked anti-American anarchists. Maybe the Spanish fascist who used to run the IOC will win the Olympics for Madrid, or (most likely) they will go to Rio de Janeiro.

Exertion, competition, marketing, body shaving, sportscasters with goatees; the Olympics are like a convention of hipster betes noire.

So apparently the Chicago hoodie community didn't get the memo from the President about the vital importance of winning the 2016 summer games for the Windy City.

Last night, six 20-somethings hit pause on their Animal Collective mix and took to the streets last night in a display of anti-Olympic hooliganism certain to make the IOC think twice before exposing the world's greatest athletes to a metropolis filled with so many bummed out young people. Before the mayhem was over, an Olympic's boosting banner had been ripped from the downtown area's Picasso statue, and immolated forever, in the nearby eternal flame.

Peer into the faces of the Chicago Six, ye purveyors of Discus throwing contests and know your mortal foe.

Meet the Chicago Six, the beacons of a new movement against global athletic competitions and all the banners and pageants stuff that goes along with them.

In as sad an indication we've seen yet of how low the politico-media complex has fallen, it took the fucking White House of the United States of America to point out, on its blog, that you can't lose money on the 2010 Olympics if it's still 2009:

RHETORIC: BECK SAID VANCOUVER LOST $1 BILLION WHEN IT "HAD THE OLYMPICS."
Glenn Beck said, "Vancouver lost, how much was it? they lost a billion dollars when they had the Olympics." [Transcript, Glenn Beck Show, 9/29/09]

REALITY: VANCOUVER'S OLYMPICS WILL NOT TAKE PLACE UNTIL 2010. Vancouver will host the 2010 Olympic and Paralympic Games from February 12 – 28, 2010 and March 12-21, 2010, respectively. [Vancouver2010.com, accessed 9/29/09]

That's why the White House has a blog: To periodically remind us of transparently true and immutable facts about our inescapably temporal existence.

NBC Universal—which runs, among other things, NBC, MSNBC, CNBC, USA Network, Universal Studios, and a bunch of theme parks—pulled in a profit of $391 million in the first quarter of 2009, versus $712 million in the first quarter of the previous year.

It's yet another colossal failure in Zucker's cap: He single-handedly engineered the demise of NBC from first place to fourth; he spent insane amounts of money on the Olympics in Athens and Beijing, which netted great ratings but not enough ad revenue to keep profits growing; he hired a club-kid to run NBC; and he acknowledged defeat last month. But he keeps on keeping his job, maybe because he dazzles and confuses his General Electric boss Jeffrey Immelt with reflections from his exceedingly bald head.

NBC Universal blames the profit drop squarely on the broadcast television unit, which lets it mask poor executive decisions behind the general advertising recession. Yes, local TV advertising is down because nobody is buying cars. But NBC also says that the Super Bowl was a drag on profits:

While NBC aired Super Bowl XLIII to great ratings success, there were significant production costs to air the big game, combined with rights fees paid to the NFL. Those expenses added up to $45 million in the quarter.

"Ratings success" understates it: Super Bowl 43 was the most-watched Super Bowl game in history, and the second-most watched program in the history of television. That's right: NBC Universal is explaining it's poor performance last quarter by saying that it got stuck with broadcasting the No. 2 television broadcast since the medium was invented. Tough luck guys!

Also dragging down profits were expenses relating to the Beijing Olympics, another huge ratings success that, in the normal course of business, ought to mean more money, not less. DVD sales were also down significantly.

On the upside, NBC Universal's cable networks were up 19%, which explains why executives were describing boring old USA this week as the company's "single biggest asset."

Isla confesses, "I always dreamed when I was a kid of coming on Letterman and showing my crotch." Clip at left.

This is only slightly more embarrassing than Phelps' other punishment, today's loss of a cereal deal that expired this month anyway, for Corn Flakes, which Phelps doesn't even eat.

With $100 million in expected lifetime endorsements, we're guessing Phelps isn't living on USA Swimming's stipends. But the suspension will not help his image, given the message it sends:

"We decided to send a strong message to Michael because he disappointed so many people, particularly the hundreds of thousands of USA Swimming member kids who look up to him as a role model and a hero," the federation said in a statement.

Subway was reported to be on the fence about Phelps following the bong incident; maybe the suspension will push the sandwich-seller to sever ties. Pot smokers aren't known for their love of petit, low-calorie processed-turkey sandwiches anyway.

On the other hand, USA Swimming can't be that mad at the Olympic champion. His suspension will end just in time to let Phelps participate in the 2009 World Swimming World Swimming Championships in Rome, broadcast on NBC for the first time this year, thanks to Phelps. He'll be fine.

Granted, Phelps hasn't been the best spokesman for Kellogg. When CNN anchorhottie Anderson Cooper raided Phelps's pantry in the course of an interview, he found Honey Nut Cheerios, not Kellogg's Cornflakes. "Michael's most recent behavior is not consistent with the image of Kellogg," sniffed a Kellogg spokeswoman. "His contract expires at the end of February and we have made a decision not to extend his contract." Hello? This is the best possible recommendation one can make for breakfast cereal, the favored foodstuff of THC-induced munchies victims everywhere.

Update: Michael Phelps Suspended by USA Swimming, Loses Allowance

(Photoillustration by Jackson West)

Phelps apologized for his actions, just like he did after being arrested for driving drunk following the 2004 Athens games, right down to the part where he said "it will not happen again." It seems to be working, so far at least. Here's a rundown of Phelps' sponsors, and their positions on the incident:

• Speedo - Sticking with him ("we know that Michael truly regrets his actions")
• Omega - sticking with him ("involves Michael Phelps's private life and is, as far as Omega is concerned, a nonissue" — the Swiss are awesome)
• Subway - "monitoring the situation," like it's some kind of ballistic missile attack, sources told the Wall Street Journal
• Visa - no word
• Kellogg - no word
• Nike - no word

A sports communications expert told AP that Phelps can't be seen with demon reefer ever again:

"My prediction would be that this will pass," he said with caution. "If it does happen again, it'll be twice the story and it will hurt him."

That's right, Michael: No marijuana, ever again.

Unless you win a bunch of Olympic medals a THIRD time, and then you're doing yet another bender, who are we kidding.

In the meantime, go ahead and dabble responsibly in sin, just stay away from the cameras.

The stripper-dating Phelps, not known for his adherence to the values of the Wahhabi sect of Islam which predominates in the desert kingdom, was invited to speak at the third annual Global Competitiveness Forum. In a session, he explained that his pursuit of sports helped him overcome attention-deficit disorder: "Swimming ... helped me to focus." And then, we imagine, he banged his knee.

(Photo by AP/Hassan Ammar)

Which Olympian trashed a Michigan hotel room after trying pot for the first time? Well, Cooper just did a big splashy 60 Minutes interview with swimmer Michael Phelps, and he has no similarly plausible connection to the other two items (about a female "lifestyle diva" who used a hand model, and a "still-sexy actress" who got a face lift), so the question kind of answers itself.

Page Six will probably act coy and say the picture was misplaced (it appears on another item as well), but Phelps has been touring around the country (and staying in hotel rooms) and, by his own admission, let himself go. And though he seems like he'd greatly enjoy pot, it's not like he had much of a chance when he was in the pool seven days per week, trying to train up to Olympic standards.

That said, this sounds totally made up:

The stoned athlete broke the TVs in his room, but later bought exact replicas so he could replace them before anybody at the hotel was the wiser.

When you're in the process of gathering an estimated $100 million in endorsement deals, you don't take the time to get all bashful about paying for your trashed hotel room. And, uh, since when do potheads love their TVs LESS when they're high?

When Cooper interviewed Phelps for 60 Minutes, the swimmer was eating Eggs Norfolk and a quesadilla with sour cream, talking about his record-high weight and 8,000-10,000 calorie diet, and telling Cooper he'd only been in the pool four times since the Olympics.

Fine, the guy is entitled to relax. He worked out an extra day per week compared to his Olympic competitors! Even Christmas!

But he's also dating that cocktail waitress, endorsing lowbrow products and getting seen on casino benders. It's all adding up to an un-athletic, tool-ish image that can't be good for Phelps' marketability. Plus, he's the marquee draw for the World Swimming Championships, televised for the first time next year, and each through at least 2011.

Does Phelps really want to tarnish the dignity of dudes in speedos stroking their way across a wading pool, or risk getting only $50 million in endorsements instead of $100 million? ...OK, maybe it's not such a big deal after all. Another chicken fried steak for my man Michael! Extra gravy!!

Before he earned his eight gold medals and became a global celebrity at the Beijing Olympics, Mr. Phelps and three teammates agreed to endorse PureSport, a protein mix made by a tiny Austin, Texas, company that didn't exist three years ago...

The foursome, introduced to the company while training in Austin last year, took a 5% stake in exchange for their endorsements

So now, in exchange for 1.7% of nothing and all the sugar-and-whey mix he can guzzle, Michael Phelps is obliged to plaster his face all over this product's packaging, and be dragged around the country to various promo events seven days a year, where hopefully he at least gets mad chicks. [WSJ]

Michael Phelps has turned into a party and poker animal, surrounding himself with bimbos and booze. A source says Phelps spent much of Thanksgiving weekend playing 10-20, no-limit hold-'em at the Borgata in Atlantic City. Although a dealer reports he lost several thousand dollars on Thursday, Phelps was back at the tables Friday.

As if falling asleep next to a mischievous TV journalist wasn't bad enough!

Phelps may be too young or dense to grasp it, but the American public will grab onto the thinnest reed of truth if it means a chance to tear down one of its own heroes. They'd probably enjoy seeing Phelps stumble even more than seeing him win the 2009-2011 World Swimming Championships, set to be televised by NBC for the first time next year. At the very least he should be able to find a more discreet casino. Better yet, have a chat with Pete Rose.

"The difference is that Michael Jordan only played in one brand of shoes, while Michael [Phelps] has consistently been forthcoming about his love for a variety of different foods and a variety of different quick-service restaurants," [Phelps' agent] said. "There was tremendous interest in that category well beyond McDonald's and Subway."

You hear that, McD's? Michael Phelps will endorse as many fucking fast food companies as he wants! The strong upside for Phelps is that he can now firmly claim to be endorsing a healthy product. The downside: this will make his nerd problem even worse:

Mr. Pace said he could forsee a commercial with pitchman Jared Fogle and Mr. Phelps together, one with a healthful foot-long and the other with several foot-long sandwiches. "And Michael might say, 'I need to eat more than you do, Jared,' and Jared could say, 'But at least I've got you eating right.'"

God, such a nerd. Michael, your next call should be to the Trojan corporation. [Ad Age; pic via MSNBC]

Micheal Phelps' current endorsements include Speedo, Visa, Kellogg's, AT&T, Rosetta Stone, PureSport Beverages. The first would be better if it was Nike or Adidas. The last two are crap niche products that will bring down Phelps' brand value. The middle three are okay (although Wheaties would have been preferable to Corn Pops).

What Phelps has to realize is that there are only two paths for athlete endorsers to take: the Nerd path, personified by Tiger Woods, or the Badass path, personified by Ray Lewis.

It's simple, really. Can a middle-aged white businessman imagine hanging out with you for a day, and maybe making friends? Then you're a Nerd. Tiger is the uber-nerd, and he's made it work to the tune of hundreds of millions of dollars. Do you think Tiger motherfucking Woods drives a Buick? No, old people drive Buicks. But Tiger is nonthreatening enough that old people can imagine him plausibly driving one to their cocktail party, and then hitting a few putts in the putting green in their den. Pals.

Ray Lewis is a superstar linebacker for the Baltimore Ravens. He was on the cover of Madden 2005. He's also been indicted on murder charges. He will end you. Do you think Ray Lewis is going to come over to your apartment and sit on your couch and play Madden with you and offer you a high five and drink your Capri Sun in a spirit of friendly sportsmanship? No. You fear Ray Lewis, and that is why he's an effective endorser.

This is a spectrum, but everyone falls on one side or the other. Michael Jordan is at the friendly end of Badass. Donovan McNabb is at the cooler end of Nerd. Michael Phelps has placed himself squarely on the nerd track. The question is, is that the way to go.

Look, Phelps: you're young. You're going to be a tabloid star. You don't want to be Tiger Woods, a cold-blooded machine with an icy, beautiful wife, a billion bucks in the bank, and a Buick in the driveway. You want to be the Jordan of swimming: towering and inapproachable in the pool, and a relaxed, smiling cigar-smoker out of it, surrounded by women as you play craps with money that Cuba Gooding Jr. gave you for the privilege of wearing your underwear.

So lose the Speedo and the Rosetta Stone. Take up with Adidas and some Italian airline that will buy you your own villa. Keep up the aggressive grip. Grow rich and prosper. Send us 2%.

[I know you're actually a nerd, Mike. It's irrelevant.]