The day after Thanksgiving is the most popular shopping day of the year, but it also the most deadly. Sure, there are always going to be fights over limited merchandise, but early morning specials and stores trying to frontload their days with shoppers ready to spend has created an atmosphere of deadly frenzy. Well, it is time to fight back! Here are several methods that will keep you alive and get you to the front of the pack. This December 25th when you have a pocket full of left-over cash and your children gratefully screech, "Thank you, Santa!" You better turn to your computer, nod, and say, "No, thank you, Gawker."

The Paparazzi Strategy: Pretend like the mob rushing the front door for cheap Blu-Ray players are like photographers and you are Robert Pattinson. Surround yourself with some thuggy types and have them walk you through the crowd.
Fatal Flaw: You have to have a big, tough entourage, or else you'll all go down like Tila Tequila at the dick buffet.
Best For: Big egos, people who are well connected, anyone with a subscription to Star.
Do Not Attempt If...: You do not know who Robert Pattinson is. That means you have never seen someone successfully avoid the paps and you are doomed to a million footprints on your face.

The NASCAR Strategy: At 4:59, right before the doors open, have a friend or family member pull up in a car that vaguely resembles a NASCAR racer. It's going to be dark, so it doesn't have to be perfect. When all the Walmartians are staring shout, "Look, it's Jeff Gordon!!" The crowd will go rushing for autographs and it will be just you and and the Walmart greeter.
Fatal Flaw: You may be stuck in a stampede when everyone goes Gaga over Gordon.
Best For: Red staters
Do Not Attempt If...: You live somewhere where no one will know who Jeff Gordon is. If you are standing the cold in front of Target instead of Walmart, you are in one of those places. If that is the case, a black town car with a black lady in the back seat can be used to create a diversionary "Oprah."

The Blocking Wedge Strategy: This football-inspired move is so effective that it got banned by the NFL. Get several "toughs" (great aunts work especially well for this) and have them run in a tight V formation. You are at the center of the V safe from harm. You will plow through the crowd of bargain hunters like a plow through snow.
Fatal Flaw: You have to get Great Aunt Fanny and the girls to run fast enough or else your wedge will be destroyed by the tide of bodies behind you.
Best For: Sports fans, Deadspin readers, lesbians.
Do Not Attempt If...: You are not committed. It's not easy to make your way through a mob, but when you get your hands on an electronic hampster it will be all worth it.

The Storm Trooper Strategy: Just like when Han Solo and Luke Skywalker put on Storm Trooper costumes to infiltrate the Death Star in Star Wars, all you need is a Walmart uniform to get inside. Show up in a blue apron an hour early and use the employee entrance. They've hired tons of seasonal staff, so they won't even care that they don't recognize you. Make yourself busy organizing shelves or something. And when the doors open, ditch the apron, and grab whatever your little heart desires.
Fatal Flaw: Someone might realize that you don't have a time card with your name on it.
Best For: The nondescript, chameleons, failed actors.
Do Not Attempt If...: You have any distinguishing features. People won't remember a mid-height lady with brown hair, but if someone with a goth 'do and a face full of piercings shows up at the employee entrance, it might cause a stir.

The Stay the Fuck Home! Strategy: Um, see the above. Really, is it worth risking death over a cheap TV? Also, it is real early in the morning.
Fatal Flaw: If servers crash on Cyber Monday then you are screwed.
Best For: Sane individuals, spendthrifts, city folk.
Do Not Attempt If...: You really want to go out with shopping cart wheel marks over your face in your coffin.

This isn't the first time Winfrey's shanked her holiday audiences. (Scoring seats at a Thanksgiving-week Oprah episode is like playing scratch-offs: you have a 1-in-5 chance of winning, since she always does it during Thanksgiving week, but never says exactly which day she'll do.) Last year, the audience flew into the requisite screaming seizures when Oprah announced it was a 'Favorite Things' episode—and then died down really fast when she said the theme would be "the recession," and they were all getting thrifty products and ideas for D.I.Y junk.

A blast from the wantonly materialistic 'Favorite Things' of yore is a journey into the chi of Oprah, which apparently exists at the intersection of "comfort," "convenience," and "delicious," with a really heavy emphasis on "delicious."

We Take the Cake Key Lime Cake
In her first 'Favorite Things' episode in 2002, Oprah matched her lime green outfit to a bundt cake drizzled with key lime juice and smothered in key lime cream cheese frosting. "Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels" does not apply to 'Favorite Things.'

Dreamtime Foot Cozys
These highly evolved socks, featured in the 2002 show, come with microwavable aromatherapy packs filled with calming cinnamon, comforting clove, and revitalizing eucalyptus, all of which will make your feet good enough to eat.

Ralph Lauren Black Label Slim-Fit Cashmere Sweater
This was one of the orgasmic scream-inducing items from 'Favorite Things' 2003, on account of women loving things that are (a) soft (b) elite (c) tell them they are slender. It's such a simple formula!

Philosophy The Gingerbread Man Body Products
By 2003, a 'Favorite Things' formula had been established: If a 'Favorite Thing' is not a food, then it should seem like a food and/or make the user feel like she is a food. Thus, Philosophy's Gingerbread Man body products, which allow the user to bathe in sugar and turn herself into a delicious human-shaped holiday snack.

Tilia FoodSaver Vac
If a 'Favorite Thing' is not a food, and neither seems like a food nor turns the user into a food, then facilitating the consumption of food is also acceptable, as Oprah demonstrated in 2003.

Ugg Classic Short Boot
Remember when Uggs were cool and trendy? Apparently that was before 2003, when Oprah first place them on the feet of Midwestern housewives. She went on to hand out other Ugg models in 2005 and 2007.

Orbitz
I have no idea what it means that Oprah gave her audience "Orbitz" in 2004, but let's assume it was one of those "Al Gore invents the internet" things. I, Oprah, bestow unto you the gift of competitively priced airfare and hotel reservations.

Apple Bottom Jeans
In 2003, Oprah told her audience they were skinny by giving them slim-fit sweaters. In 2004, she told they they had fat butts by giving them Apple Bottom jeans. Which reminds me, what ever happened to Search for the Next Apple Bottom Girl, in which rapper/designer Nelly scoured the world in search of girls with huge butts who look good in his jeans? Apple Bottom Girl was only supposed to last one year. How did he find the next one, without the aid of a viewing public??

Garrett Popcorn
Mail-order staple (and Chicago brand) Garrett Popcorn appeared in 2002 and 2005, with Oprah favoring the Caramel Crisp and Cheesy flavors. I have eaten this popcorn, and can vouch for its tastiness.

The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle
At age 13, German self-help guru Eckhart Tolle decided school was a "hostile environment" and dropped out, making him a weird choice for a segment that once had an all-teacher audience, to express Oprah's respect for education. Anyway, Tolle went on to write about how you, too, can find a Portal to the Now of the Unmanifested.

LG HD-TV Refrigerator
Now, you can watch Oprah and eat—at the same time! In 2007, 'Favorite Things' got dangerously close to self-parody.
http://www.lge.com/products/model/detail/gr-p227s.jhtml

Nancy's Healthy Kitchen Low-Fat Cookies
Lest you think 'Favorite Things' is all about sitting on your cashmere-lined apple bottom, eating delicious food and getting fat, watch Oprah fly into song about the deliciousness of these healthy cookies which have "less the one gram of fat." She forces her audience to tear open their bags and feast right then and there, and they murmur and nod their heads. Yes, these taste as though they have many grams of fat in them, not just one. Just once, I'd like to see someone spit their 'Favorite Thing' food out and say it is inedible, or maybe go into anaphylactic shock over a buried peanut.

• Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart decided to opt out of going to The Box for their New York New Moon premiere after-party, instead opting to go to Avenue, where they could sit around, drink vodka, drink beer, get trashed, leave, go home, and do it. Robert Pattinson's psychotic, obsessive stalkerfans, are you listening? Tune your teenage to mid-30s adult ears to this: Rather than hang out with Kellan Lutz and the rest of their cast, you know what they're doing? They're going home and doing it. Now, I know, I know, you all think Kristen Stewart is the most evil thing in the universe and that she should die a fiery death while Rob realizes who the real lady of his life needs to be: you. You should probably get used to the fact that (A) this will never happen because you're not movie-star good looking and she is, (B) the love you do find will be some kind of settlement, (C) and they will probably work in middle management, and (D) they will not be a blood-sucking vampire, they will just suck at your will to live. So! While Robert Pattinson enjoys ditching his Twilight castmates for getting drunk and doing it with Kristen Stewart, you're getting prepared for life! #NotAfraidToBeServicey. Psychos. [Page Six]
  
  
• Okay, Boris and Natasha-esque Rush and Molloy, you done did good on this one! Today the Daily News gossip duo focus their moose-and-squirrel sights on Christie Brinkley's fourth divorce, from Peter Cook, which ex-husband Billy Joel is being a mensch about and stepping up to her defense for. Unfortunately, this is being countered by a former Brinkley maid, Alzirene Vianna, stepping out and giving details for. This shit is too crazy. Highlights: Christie never encouraged her daughter to call her dad, Billy. Christie told her then 8 year-old daughter that she basically needed to stop fucking up her relationship with Kristie's new mans. Christie used to kick doors when she was locked out of rooms by her husbands. Christie was a pillhead. Christie used to throw stuff at husbands leaving in cars from inside their house, via window. Basically: Christie Brinkley is insane, and on her fourth divorce because of it. [NYDN]
  
  
• NICE. While every guy in the club the other night after the Victoria's Secret fashion show was clamoring to get a spot next to some of the hotness, Jay-Z gave explicit instructions to keep him away from them because he didn't want to piss off Beyonce. The man's got respect for his lady, yo. If I were with Beyonce, I would, too. Jay-Z's gonna be the one guy not to fuck his good thing up. Nice. Alternate Take/Conspiracy Theory: Jay-Z worked very hard to stay away from models at the Victoria's Secret show to get his publicist to plant an item that could be corroborated with other accounts and placed in Page Six so Beyonce would let him off the short leash he's on to go kick it with models. Yeah, but again, the problem with this theory is that Jay-Z's married Beyonce. [Page Six]
  
  
• Best random fact of the day: Andre Leon Talley wears size 16 shoes. Yes, they are bespoke. [Page Six]
  
  
• OH COME ON Page Six. Today's front story is such boring bullshit (they put Patz and K-Stew in the second spot). They open up with this awesome lede about how, wait, just, read this: "They say practice makes perfect. When Mark Consuelos tried out for a permanent role on the ABC soap "All My Children," his behind-closed-doors rehearsals with future wife Kelly Ripa paid off big." So you're thinkin, oh, man, maybe they had some kind of secret closet conspiracy sex or something, awesome, Evil Kelly Ripa is the shit, except, not. Nope. It's just the story about how their rehearsal scenes for soaps were better than everyone else's because they'd done did it before. Like, sex. Except I guess sex in Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos' world involves lots of bare-manchest making out, heavy breathing, and speaking in expository plot points between breaths. Oh, and the people holding the rehearsals didn't know. This is top story material? Really? Related: Soap Operas make you stupider. Anything that Gossip Girl can make look functionally braindead is, on some level, an impressive feat. [Page Six]
  
  
• Richie Akiva, the guy who owns Butter and 1OAK, which are big clubby clubs that famous people go to, is having a big Thanksgiving celebration at Butter for all the clubby club people who stay in town to go eat and drink at because their families hate them because they're club rats. Kidding! No, but really, I hope they stuff their turkey with ketamine. I'd stick around for that. [Page Six]
  
  
• Diddy threw a $3M birthday party at The Plaza. There were lion-tamers and fire-breathers and clowns and magicians and probably a few druglords or two. JK, you guys. There were no lion-tamers. But there were lots of people and, oh wait, what's this? Security was tight and even Tyrese Gibson and "Twilight's" Kellan Lutz had to talk their way into the VIP area. Is it just me or is Tyrese talking his way into more and more security areas these days? Anyway. I hope Diddy got all the cheesecake he wanted for his birthday. [Page Six]
  
  
• Cross-dressing perv Marv Albert and Fiddy Cent did or did not have some kind of run-in on the Kimmel show. What? I don't know. How the hell does a rumor start about Marv Albert getting into a fight with Fiddy Cent's entourage? There are at least 21 questions about this kind of thing, none of the answers do I give a shit about knowing. [NYDN]
  
  
• Oprah announced that she's leaving The (Talk Show) Game, and now her best friend Gayle King is gonna try to steal the crown. Don't forget to kiss the ring, Gayle. [Page Six]
  
  
• Olympic swimmers! They're just like us. They like to smoke weed and sometimes mess up their taxes. Whoops! Michael Phelps, dude, face outta the bong for one sec. Take it to H&R Block, you know? [TMZ]
  
  
• Tyson Beckford drove his motorcycle in circles and then went home. [Page Six]
  
  
• Apparently, it's 1995, because TMZ is making OJ jokes again. [TMZ]

Okay, so, techinical problems aside, we're all feeling much better today! And also, I'm so excited for the next item, I can't even, well, just, okay. Hang in there for one moment. Some things are just too good for the gossip roundup, you know? YOU KNOW. Also, big ups to Jay-Z for being good to Beyonce! Sometimes, people do good things and don't go rub up on models and make a point of it, whether it's because he wants Beyonce to know explicitly or not, right? Right. Here's a good cover of Beyonce's "Halo," let's get this Sunday started.

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

• So, wait, when did Michael Lohan become a contracts expert? Oh, that's right: when he started representing Jon Gosselin. Yeah: that's what they were doing hanging out together all those times. Lohan was representing Jon Gosselin. Jon Gosselin elected Michael Lohan to represent him. First of all, I don't care if Michael Lohan is offering to pay your cable bill in person, you do not elect Michael Lohan to represent you in any way, least of all in any kind of contract dispute. This is a guy who can't pay his child support which is probably like $15 a month, I mean, fucking really, Jon Gosselin. We kind of thought you were a lunk before but this is absurd. The agreement was in some kind of management capacity, and Lohan brought the documents to Zombie Radar, because that's where you go if you're the Deep Throat in contract negotiations between TLC and Jon Gosselin. You go to Zombie Radar. [NYDN]
  
  
• Robert Pattinson is slowly having his soul sucked from his face because of Twilight. TMZ has the proof. Of course they do. [TMZ]
  
  
• I know, I know, you're not supposed to use this word. Can we, just this once? No? Whatever, I really don't care. My ear hurts. Carrie Prejean is retarded. How retarded? Really retarded. I mean, besides being a complete ignoramus and misanthrope, she's so retarded that she can't even fill out her own questionnaire for the Ms. California pageant, so she had the guy she boned on the sex tape help her out with some of the questions. Synergy! One of the questions she needed help with was If you could have lunch with any one (1) person, who would it be and why? Like, you need HELP with that question? If my job were to sit around all day and answer questions like that (instead of solving the philosophical mysteries of the universe, as I'm doing right now), life would be pretty swell. Can I answer this? I would like to have lunch with Joey Bishop over some well-cooked steak. And then I'd like to ask him who he was and why nobody knows who he is and discern whether or not he had enough talent to be in The Rat Pack. That is all. [TMZ]
  
  
• Hey, so! Remember that time ESPN denied sexual misconduct in the workplace? Right, like, every one of them. And then remember gossip jock sister site (and we do mean sister) Deadspin reporting on all those juicy ESPN sexual misconduct rumors that they'd been holding in their pocket forever? Turns out they were right. Katie Lacey, SVP of Marketing, was fired after ESPN had a change of heart on her longtime affair with ESPN's programming VP, David Berson, who was having an affair with Lacey. Jay Mariotti has yet to be fired for his love affair with being an asshole. [Page Six]
  
  
• I don't know if it's my computer or what but seriously, look how the Daily News gossip pages came up this morning:
  
  I mean, it's not necessarily gossip, per se, to note what a bunch of squares the people at the Daily News are, but when even the tech guys are messing with you like this, you've got problems. John Mayer reference? Maybe they're hiring. Just a thought.
  
  
• Speaking of assholes at newspapers, stupid narcs, at stupid newspapers! Get this: Gov. Paterson's stepdaughter Ashley Dennis (pictured) was gonna have a bunch of her friends from Ithaca College come rock the Gov's mansion with Jell-O shots and beer—which is bad form, everyone knows you follow Jell-O shots with actual shots—in an invite that called the place "FDR's Polio Poolhouse," which, I don't know if that's official, but I like it! I would like her to come up with a crafty name for my apartment. Anyway, her party got canceled (or as the government would have it NEVER EXISTED IN THE FIRST PLACE, #conspiracytheory) because word of the jam got to a local newspaper. Mellow: harshed. [Page Six]
  
  
• Honestly, I have no idea what the fuck is going on today. Read this story. Seriously. It's about some West Wing acctress I've never heard of defending the honor of J-Lo and Marc Anthony's dog as a "Lassie" and not a "Cujo," which is what I feel like I'm about to transform into. Seriously, everything's broken, the Daily News gossip pages are squares I have to interpret, and I feel like there's a cosmic dick in my ear and it hurts. Wrong side of the bed? More like wrong side of the universe. [NYDN]
  
  
• Okay, seriously Warner Music Publicity? This is absurd. Nobody knows who this Katherine Jenkins person is, or what she sings, or why we should be so crazy-excited about her. Who is this person, why is she sooooo big in England, and why should we care? Go! Damn. Time's up. We still don't care. No, but really, look at this quote from "iconic" Warner Music Publicist Liz Rosenberg: "I call her Leg, which is short for legend." Well, I call her "WTF," which is short for "One could theoretically spent ten minutes trying to write this item up trying to convince themselves to look up some of this person's music to find out who she is and not bring themselves to. Why?" Seeing as how that just happened, it works, right? [Page Six]
  
  
• Oprah's quitting and some of her celebrity friends like Ellen are sad. But oh, hey look, MORE OF THESE GODDAMN SQUARES.

  

  [NYDN]
  
  

• Ha. Sporstcaster Len Berman visited NBC for the first time since being fired in April to promote his book on Today. He ran into Barbara Corcoran, and she threw down a pretty solid diss on Len. You need to read it to get the set-up, suffice to say Page Six also took the time to find the right photo of Berman before going to press with this one. [Page Six]
  
  
• Another woman was stalked by the supreme creep who stalked Erin Andrews and made those peephole videos and she had to deliver testimony via a four-page statement that was read in court. Meanwhile, I know, I know, eye-for-an-eye justice is philosophically bad, because we should be humane (or something). And we should be. But this guy should, if convicted, have to spend the rest of his life with his dick in a peephole-sized vice. Honestly? I hate people. Also, this story is kind of sort of important to read and these squares are making me very, very irascible. This is not an enjoyable experience. [NYDN]
  
  
• Ed Koch had an 85th birthday. Ed Koch is old. The only thing Ed Koch could do to celebrate not being extinct was to make a bunch of shitty jokes at the expense of dead New York mayor Abe Beame. What's so funny about Beame? HE WAS A SHORT JEW HAR HAR. Not reported: when Ed Koch ceremoniously shit out a Brontosaurus Egg and gave it to Sardi's for research like he does at the end of every 85th birthday. [Page Six]
  
  
• More great news delivered via the Associated Squares that make this all the easier to write about: a South Korean supermodel was very, very depressed, and hung herself. She was beautiful. Her name was Daul Kim, and she blogged about her depression before this happened. [NYDN]
  
  
• Can we talk, for a second, about the best sighting the New York Post has ever published? No comment needed. This is just art. "Natalie Portman leaving the NY Public Library on Fifth Avenue smoking a cigarette and wearing Ray Bans." Okay, comment: #SWOON. Related: Who doesn't leave the NYPL like that? New York is cool. [Page Six]
  
  
• Enough with the hashtags already, right? #Wrong. Go away. Anyway! Apparently Tila Tequila, she of the short-lived MTV reality dating programme A Shot At Having Your Own Unique, Obscure STD with Tila Tequila—it's like Top Gear, but they test drive different strains of herpes—apparently had some kind of freakout on her live streaming broadcast page where she stripped and spoke in tongues or something. Now she's blaming it on her ex-boyfriend Shawn Merriman, who she tried to get convicted of domestic abuse. Shawn Merriman probably doesn't even know Tila Tequila's name anymore. Harsh, right? Kinda probably true though. [NYDN]
  
  
• Nick Cannon doesn't go anywhere without Mariah Carey who is now his bodyguard. The Emancipation of Mimi apparently involves the imprisonment of Nick Cannon. Also, Ben Silverman grew a beard to distinguish himself from Ricky Van Veen, and Vanity Fair was there to get all the action. [VF]
  
  
• Ha! Remember the scuzzy fuckball paps that tried to infiltrate and mess up Britney Spears' life? Yeah, well, he's going to jail for 45 days on charges associated with being a scuzzy fuckball and Brit-Brit is still fabulous. Don't call it a comeback, bitches. Mess with the gays' icons and they'll get you put in the slammer, for serious. Speaking of: when is the inevitable batshit craziness of a Lady Gagadong and Brit-Brit collab joint gonna pop off? Needs to happen. [NYDN]

Okay, well, this day's going to be nothing but strangeness, apparently. Have you ever seen someone blog with an ear infection? You're about to! I feel like I'm leaning exactly 23 degrees to the left. Here's a song, let's all get funky and just try to ride this one out, I guess. Happy Saturday!

[Image via Bauer-Griffin]

Finke posted embedded video of a small portion of Winfrey's remarks at 9:45 a.m. California time, roughly an hour and forty-five minutes after Winfrey announced on her show that she was calling it quits after next season. She also posted a much fuller transcript of Winfrey's speech. Winfrey's show doesn't air until 3 p.m. in Los Angeles, so where did she get it?

From the Chicago Tribune, which posted the transcript at 10:19 a.m. Central time, or just 20 minutes after Winfrey's announcement. How do we know? Because, a tipster points out, the transcript Finke posted features the same bracketed commentary—"[Her voice grows thick with emotion]"—and typographical irregularities, like double quotes within double quotes. Finke didn't cite the Tribune or—more important—link back to the paper's Watcher blog, which actually did the transcribing. She just copied and pasted without attribution.

Of course, Winfrey's words aren't proprietary to the Tribune. She said them on television. But someone actually did sit down and replayed the speech over and over while actually typing out what Winfrey said. A link wouldn't kill you, Nikki.

Saturday Update: Finke has emailed to explain that she had no idea where the transcript came from before she posted it on her blog, which she says is a somewhat regular occurence. And somewhat bizarrely she accused the Tribune's Watcher blog of lifting it from some other source. She has still not given The Watcher a credit or link. Here is her email:

I actually wound up receiving it several times in my email from a bunch of different emailers. (Again, how do we know it was ONLY the Tribune's?) I did my best to authenticate it. Yes, every so often I get something from another publication sent to me without any labeling. And when I put it up, the writer or company tells me and I credit them unless they want me to take it down. Happens most often with photos.
But I actually credit a LOT (whereas Variety and the LA Times rarely do...)
This was really a cheap shot by John.

Oprah ends a 25 year run that puts hers up with Fidel Castro and Muammar al-Gaddafi as one of the most durable dictatorships of our age. According to Variety, Oprah broke the news to her staffers today and will inform her subjects in the television audience on the air tomorrow that the dream will come to an end in less than two years. On September 9, 2011, Oprah will broadcast her last syndicated show.

She leaves to focus on the fledgling Oprah Winfrey Network (OWN) which has been struggling without the presence of its namesake since it launched in partnership with Discovery.

First, Oprah would like to get this out of the way: remember the actual outright lie that Drudge printed about how Oprah "snubbed" Sarah Palin? Sarah Palin says it was a whole lot of nonsense! And she didn't even think about it! Lies about lies, already, and it is two minutes in. Palin's hair looks even bigger than it did in 2008 btw.

Sarah Palin says getting vetted was fun! She has a joke about it: she got a D once, in college (which college?) And Oprah is like, wait, your teenage daughter was pregnant why are you pretending that anyone cared about a D? And Sarah Palin is like "they did not give us an allowance to take care of Bristol," and also a lying PR person lied to her about how she loved being a grandma. Sarah Palin did not love being a grandmother!

Oh, hah, Chris Lehmann is doing this, too. He is funemployed!

"Of course, though, not knowing how intriguing it would be, for SOME OF THE HATERS, for some of the critics, to really delve into our personal life, and really make MORE of some of the issues that were there." Also the story where Barack Obama said that Sarah Palin's kids were off-limits? In Sarah Palin's imagination, that was Barack Obama telling the media that his kids were off-limits but that everyone should just go fuckin' nuts on Sarah's kids.

4:13 Oprah is pretending that the things in Sarah Palin's book are true! Now they are doing the famous "a fat man told me to eat a balanced diet" routine. Also: Sarah Palin doesn't like to shop. And: it wasn't a controversy where other candidates got their clothes, why was it a controversy for Palin? BECAUSE OTHER CANDIDATES WEREN'T GETTING NEW CLOTHES WITH CAMPAIGN FUNDS, SARAH.

4:16 Hillary Clinton! Drink!

4:17 The staff was hired to write the script. But her staff couldn't find the script! So they couldn't stay on the script. She was told to stay on the script, "and that was always puzzling to me."

Now she is doing a hilarious impression of someone (McCain?) saying "you screwed up, you went rogue on us."

4:19 Sarah Palin doesn't think she could be blamed for winning the race any more than she could've been credited for winning the race, if they had won! This is an official acknowledgment that she lost the race I think?

4:21 Oh man, a LIBERAL MEDIA ELITE MOVIE TRAILER just MADE FUN OF SARAH PALIN, during the commercial break! But don't worry, The Corner: Hugh Grant and Carrie SexintheCity will learn important lessons about the superiority of life in Real America, in the course of their wacky misadventures among the hicks of Wyoming, all of whom will be played by famous movie stars, like Sam Elliott.

4:23 A network evening news anchor's interview of a major party's Vice Presidential candidate was supposed to be a "fun, light-hearted" interview about the challenges of being a working mom. And then Katie Couric tricked Sarah Palin with questions about politics!

4:25 Oh, good, Oprah is actually playing a clip of the interview. Let's see how Sarah does when challenged with reality! Remember how she couldn't remember a magazine or newspaper? Oprah: "Obviously you've read books and magazines. Why didn't you just name any books and magazines?" SP: "Obviously, I have been a lover of books, all my life." Conspicuously she still has not named a book or magazine that she has read.

4:29 "Are you asking the same thing that I am asking, why, God?" And Todd said "why not, God?" Oprah was "touched" by this line, from Todd: "I'm happy, and I'm also sad." Touching. Also Oprah is mocking her, right?

4:31 Tomorrow: porn! Oprah has questions for Jenna Jameson that we are kinda wishing she'd also ask Sarah. HOW MANY MEN HAVE YOU BEEN WITH, SARAH?

4:33 Levi Johnston just got a round of applause! (Also, drink?) How does Sarah feel about Levi? "Most of the discussion of Levi has to do with his most beautiful baby son, Tripp." She is disappointed that he is doing the porn. Oprah is laying out most of the things that Levi has said about her, and Sarah says you know he is a liar because he said Sarah never went to hockey games. Everyone knows she went to hockey games. Also, beautiful boy, precious, Bristol in college, at home, and Bristol's mission is to remind her sisters that there are consequences to unprotected sex. Like I guess your boyfriend will lie about your mom and then do porn. Tripp is "the most beautiful child," again. This lady loves babies.

4:39 Haha Andrew Sullivan is liveblogging too!

In the last segment, Palin was actually forced to be more critical of her campaign than Oprah is. One wonders: is Oprah this desperate to boost her ratings? Is anyone on TV actually interested in finding out the truth?

IS ANYONE BUT ANDREW SULLIVAN INTERESTED IN FINDING OUT THE TRUTH?

4.39 pm. Who is Auntie Katie?

THE PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW!

4:41 Oh no, the package piece from Wasilla. Sarah changing diapers, all by herself! Todd staying home with one of the miracle babies! Sarah at the gym! Oh, it is Halloween. This is a wonderful look at a regular American family. A family where no one has a job. Piper appears to be dressing as her own father, in a "snow machine" outfit, for Halloween.

4:44 Hah. Being "physically apart" from each other has always worked for Todd and Sarah! But what the hell do they do now, when neither of them are working?

4:49 Ok, FreshDirect just came, so I had to pause the LIES ABOUT THE CONCESSION SPEECH for a minute. Sorry. Sarah Palin was disappointed that she was denied one last opportunity to remind Americans that we needed to move forward. And so America was unable to move forward. All because of Steve Schmidt and his lies about VP candidates not traditionally giving concession speeches!

4:51 Sarah Palin's "support system" would blow you away, Oprah!

4:52 "Even after finishing the book, I still don't know why you stepped down?" She does not really have a good explanation! It was because Barack Obama sent in too many FOIA requests. Obama hammered Alaska and she was shackled behind the governor's desk. With FOIA requests. She could not speak about what she believed in. Oprah is still baffled.

4:54 "She's not retreating, she's reloading." That is what dad said. Sarah Palin is concentrating on 2010, because obviously we will be dead, in 2012. Oh, and Trig will be in kindergarten. Space kindergarten, hopefully.

4:56 "One final question: should I be worried?" Yes, Oprah, probably. But you needn't be worried about this inarticulate rabble-rouser having a talk show. Now Palin is sucking up to Oprah, who she used to watch, back when she was a stay-at-home mom (Sullivan you should probably fact-check this). THE END. "Thank you Piper," Oprah says, and then the camera cuts to DAVID LETTERMAN AND A-ROD TAG TEAMING A CHILD, AN UNDERAGED CHILD.

UGH.

5:00 That was the most boring episode of Oprah I've ever watched!

We are some fucked up people, yo.

I mean, believe me, I totally see the appeal in the universe breaking LA off the coast and hiding it 4,000 feet under the sea, like the afikomen of God that will never be cashed in and found, because—sorry, LA—it's LA. Though apparently some people got teary during the part when the Kogi Truck gets swallowed up by an acid-spewing mutant volcano, so I guess it's a complicated emotion. But why are we so desperate to see what the end looks like? Because we're sadists? Masochists? Because we'd like to imagine a world in which only we exist and everything else just doesn't? [Related: Welcome to Lower Manhattan.] Because we want it all to just be totally fucked and end, and we want a hand in it, like that kid who spends five hours building a beautiful sand castle only to "Godzilla" it out of existence for six seconds?

Or because it looks sick? Which apparently, it did. To the tune of $225M.

The 162-minute disaster epic...blew away the competition and took in $65 million in North America in its opening weekend and $160 million worldwide. All totaled, the Roland Emmerich movie, which cost $200 million to make (and tens of millions more to market) grossed $225 million.

That's gotta be it. When the world ends, it's not like we're going to be able to watch it being so awesome. Also, we're all gonna die and it's gonna be crazy but, like, will it really look that cool? Hell to the no, BobbyBrown! It'll probably look like The Road or something. Gray and stupid and dusty and boring. But that's life, you know? Less Roland Emmerich, more Cormac McCarthy. Besides, only in Fakeland can anybody give a shit about Amanda Peet living through the end of the world. OH COME ON.

And then there's this Precious movie. The critics HATED it. Like this one:

Not since The Birth of a Nation has a mainstream movie demeaned the idea of black American life as much as Precious. Full of brazenly racist clichés (Precious steals and eats an entire bucket of fried chicken), it is a sociological horror show.

Ha, oh, just joking, that's batshit Armond White from the New York Press. This guy eats the innocence of children for breakfast and snacks on Labrador puppies for lunch. Also, he hated Up. But! Precious, which is a "the world sucks" movie of a different stripe, did well, too. Look:

The indie movie "Precious," which Lionsgate bought at Sundance, took in about $6.1 million in just 174 theaters in nine cities. That's an impressive $35,000 per-screen average.

Now, granted: 2012 was on about 40 bazillion more screens, but seriously, compared to the other top per-theater take ($19,095 for 2012), it's a pretty incredible number, and a 200% increase from last week's Precious take. That 200% number is not a joke.

Lesson, learned. It goes something like this: when I make my autobiographical epic, I Hope They Smoke Adderall In Hogwarts, I'm going to make sure to append the words "Tyler Perry and Oprah Winfrey Present." If only real-Hollywood were so smart. Dumbasses. Imagine if they did that to 2012. They would've made enough money to destroy the world for reals. Until then, we have LA's fake-comeuppance to go see again and again and again. Basically, yes:

[Photo of The Great Alderaan Explosion of '77: "Complicated Feelings," Mixed Media, provided by the artist.]

• Dad of the Year Michael Lohan released a recorded phone conversation to Radar, in which ex-wife Dina Lohan laments trouble child Lindsay. (Is that legal?) "You don't even know what I went through trying to get her into, like, rehab and stuff," Dina says with a flat affect. "[She'd] punch me in the face, threw me out of the car. Like, you don't know the [expletive] I went through trying to get her an intervention by myself. It was very difficult." Michael admits, "I'm being a bit selfish in releasing the tapes." On the other hand, he is being altruistic about making it really easy for his traumatized family to cut him out of their lives and never look back. [Radar]
• 
  
• Rihanna says her new album—you know, the one where she sings about her boyfriend sticking a gun in her mouth?—helped her get over abusive ex Chris Brown. "Making this album was my recovery. It's the way I vented and expressed myself." In case it has not yet become apparent: These songs should never be used for seduction. [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• Tom Cruise once spent three weeks talking to "books, bottles, and door knobs" as part of a Scientology exercise to "rehabilitate your ability to control things. And to be controlled," explains Scientology expert Marc Headley, whose books, Blown for Good, is begging for a gay Tom Cruise joke, but since the past participle is throwing me off, I'm going to skip it. [National Enquirer]
• 
  
• Natalie Portman is embarrassed that everyone's seen her naked. In 1999 she made the Anywhere But Here crew rewrite a scene so she wouldn't have to be naked: "I was figuring out my own sexual identity, likes and dislikes and all that stuff, and it's weird to be doing stuff on film as you're figuring it out." Luckily, she figured it out in time to get naked for Hotel Chevalier, so everyone wins. [ShowBizSpy]
• 
  
• Rue McClanahan has been hospitalized, forcing her to cancel what sounds like the trippiest Golden Girls send-up imaginable, a San Francisco gala featuring a Golden Girls theme song sing-along, look alike contest, and "hostess merriment with tranny superstar Heklina." Why does the Bay area insist on being better at everything? [SFist]
• 
  
• Oprah wants Rosie to quit calling her gay. The latter said on Howard Stern's radio show that that Oprah and bestie Gayle King aren't "necessarily doing each other," just that their road trip was "as gay as it gets." But an anonymous source said Oprah "exploded" and was "so furious" she sent a "warning message" to Rosie, because it's one thing if Howard Stern calls you gay, but Rosie is one of them which is far more dangerous, much like the time the kid with duct tape on the bridge of his eyeglasses called me his friend in front of the entire 5th grade class, forever marking me a Loser. [National Enquirer]
• 
  
• Frighteningly fit tennis star Andy Roddick and his frighteningly gorgeous wife Brooklyn Decker are shopping for a tasteful riverfront condo in DUMBO. Of course. [P6]
• 
  
• Turns out Dancing With the Stars' supermodel du jour, Joanna Krupa, was at the Girls Gone Wild party where Snoop Dogg filmed his very own date-rape-y titty movie, Doggystyle. She performed the heretofore unimagined feat of appearing before a GGW camera and not taking her top off, despite Mr. Dogg's most gentlemanly pleading and the fact that her zip-up denim tube top is on the verge of popping off, anyway.
  [TMZ]

With the contract on Oprah's show running out, and with her fledgling Oprah Winfrey Network struggling to get off the ground, the entertainment world has been speculating wildly about her next move. To most, however, it seemed unthinkable that Oprah could walk away from her ATM machine of a TV show — contemplating the fate of daytime TV minus Oprah is like Cold War strategists trying to imagine a world without the Soviet Union.

The Big O has been developing the Oprah Winfrey Network for some time in partnership with Discovery Communications, but the network has had trouble getting off the ground without the presence of its namesake's own show. Finke reports that Discovery's chief finally demanded that Oprah go all in and bring her show over or give up on the network entirely. If after much vacillation, which reportedly included several canceled phone appointments with Les Moonves to break the news to him, it would be a big change of heart for Oprah to base her empire on her own cable channel rather than a mere syndicated show.

Back in 1998, when Oprah was poised to take over cable as one of the three "founding mothers" of the Oxygen network, she dangled the possibility of her talk show airing on the new cable station:

She also said she intended to provide ''input and ideas'' in the short-term before she is free from other commitments to produce more programming for the channel. Specifically, she said she had never sold rerun rights to the huge library of editions of her daily talk show and, ''This seems like the perfect place to release them.''

A decade later, when Winfrey announced her OWN network in January 2008, she tried to distance herself as much as possible from the disappointing Oxygen: "I was not a participant in the development of the channel... That's why after a couple of board meetings I took myself off the board."

But would she dare leave the world of touchy-feely daytime syndication that made her?

Oprah's contract with CBS expires in 2010, the same year OWN is scheduled to launch, and she's certainly taking her sweet time deciding whether or not to renew it. Lady O has repeatedly given up supporting roles in major media outlets in favor of lead roles in the outlets she singly controls—like her magazine, which features the only cover shoots she's appeared in since its launch in 2000. (Then again, once you've got Vogue out of your system and Anna Wintour's begrudging respect, do you really need magazine covers anymore?) Her partnership with the Oxygen network scaled back considerably when she discovered she couldn't exert enough control to make it "reflect her voice." The lady likes to be in charge.

Since CBS owns rerun rights on Oprah's syndicated show until 2011, if she wants her familiar, couch-sitting, tear-jerking format to be on OWN, she'll be forced either to contrive a way to divide her schtick into two shows—thereby competing with herself, risking becoming redundant, and probably irritating the hell out of the powers that be at CBS—or ditch CBS entirely to start broadcasting her show by herself.

One question is whether OWN can succeed without The Oprah Winfrey show, which has always anchored the disparate branches of her high-consumption universe. She already has plans to outsource some of the personality-driven portions of OWN's programming to her proteges (god knows the Oprah-lite army is big—and greedy—enough) and relegate herself to a man-behind-the-curtain role. Erspamer's presence at OWN could help orchestrate that (the press release calls it an "injection of Oprah's DNA into OWN"), or it could be a signal that Oprah wants OWN to bear the mark of Harpo, which could just as easily mean melding the two. The others question is whether the Oprah Winfrey brand exists without Oprah's physical presence—and whether she would want it to.

The ultra-low budget film about an overweight, abused girl in Harlem won huzzahs last year at Sundance, and raves at the traditional Oscar race kick off in Toronto.

But since Toronto, the little film has been plagued by nothing but questions, with some Oscar pundits ready to declare it dead in the water before it's even been released.

The trouble for Precious started last week when the film which had all but been anointed an Oscar lock failed to get a nomination for the Gotham awards. The oversight prompted the NY Post's Lou Lumenick and The Envelope's Oscar savant Tom O'Neil to question whether the film's prominent endorsements by Oprah Winfrey and Tyler Perry had sparked a backlash; the Brokeback precedent holding that Oscar voters hate having winners foisted upon them and will do crazy things, like give the Best Picture trophy to Crash when someone tries.

Eyebrow raising statements from director Lee Daniels, coupled with the star Mo'Nique's seeming unwillingness to properly schmooze the press, were beginning to coalesce into storm clouds suggesting an ill-starred campaign ahead.

Well, now there's a backlash against the backlash. On O'Neil's own blog, his survey of pundits said phooey to any backlash talk. While over at thehotblog, sagacious industry watcher David Poland sputtered in disbelief at such early chatter. He writes:

It is the profound arrogance of the entertainment media to delude ourselves that we, not the real movie goers or even the privileged awards voters, decide what should be praised and how intensely. It is the same pathetic mindset that happens when Variety pans a movie like The Road or AntiChrist and other media monkeys line up to suggest that this is a meaningful moment in the history of the film and future audience reaction.

There can be no backlash against Precious because, so far, the entire definition of how the movie plays has been based on a breathless media and Oprah... not necessarily in that order. Some fools are even wondering aloud whether Lee Daniels is costing himself a Best Director win by being honest in public... when he is a long ways away from getting a nomination, much less a win. (This is true of all the filmmakers in play, not just him.)

STOP!!!! Get some perspective. And stop damaging a movie like Precious by treating it, months before the response to the movie from real people and real voters will be heard, like the Holy Grail.

And there's just five months to go until Oscar night.

Texas orthodontist Beverley Bunn told The New York Times that the sweat ceremony was the rebirth phase of a "vision quest." Much like an actual birth, disgusting things spewed from everyone's orifices and a lot of pain was involved: "There were people throwing up everywhere" based on the kinda-bulimic advice that vomiting "was good for you, that you are purging what your body doesn't want, what it doesn't need." Apparently the body doesn't need consciousness, either, because at least three vision quest-ers passed out during the session, Bunn and others claim. When horrified participants yelled for help, Ray said he would "deal" with it later.

The experience cost $9,695. And, as if paying money to be trapped in a coal-heated, plastic-wrapped, life-threatening wigwam in the middle of the desert with 50 fellow "spiritual warriors," then watching them die before your very eyes, weren't bad enough, James Arthur Ray is apparently not letting up on his New Age bullshit: He brought a "channeler" into a conference call with the likely PTSD-ridden sweat lodge participants. She explained that the spiritual warriors' deceased peers were not, in fact, the victims of homicide—rather, they had powerful out-of-body experiences and it was "so much fun" that they decided not to come back. Seriously, could you even invent a more tasteless line of reasoning for the future Law & Order episode this is clearly about to become?

Local police are investigating the deaths as homicides, but despite the surviving warriors' most obvious wishes, James Arthur Ray has not been charged.

Tragic as it was to witness the heartbreak as the Buble uprising ripped out of Gene Simmons' painted hands the Billboard trophy he had labored his whole life to earn, we took solace believe it was a mere aberration, shortly to be corrected. But there was no surer thing in recording history than the soundtrack to New Moon, the second film in the Twilight series. The album which features tracks by the biggest bands of our times including Muse, Death Cab, Thom Yorke and The Killers was an event before the artists even entered the recording studio.

But all that was not enough to beat out Buble, whose collection of standards Crazy Love sold almost double the New Moon total.

To indie nation, this is a stunning blow. Hadn't we all locked hands and agreed that popular music now exists on a spectrum that runs from Arcade Fire through Lady Gaga to Miley on the bubblegum end? Sure now and then we'll let a golden oldie like Streisand take a final victory lap around the charts, but for Michael Buble to become the biggest recording star on Earth? Who asked for this?

Certainly not America's press corps, the music writers of which sacrifice vast forests to write paean to the latest Arctic Monkey release but can barely see fit to acknowledge Buble.

So who is this Buble? And how did he come to rule us? Some bullet points on the rise of giant of showtunes.

• The Buble march to destiny began in 1975, when he was born in British Columbia, the son of a salmon fisherman.

• After singing as a young boy, at age 18 Buble achieved his first taste of the greatness that was to come when he won the Canadian Youth Talent Search.

• After a long struggle to breakthrough, Buble finally stepped onto the world stage when he scored a gig singing at the wedding of Canadian Prime Minister Brian Mulroney's daughter. On the Mulroney's before the power elite of the world his Mack The Knife caused one guest to sit up ramrod straight in his chair. That guest was David Foster. And Buble's recording career was born.

• After success abroad, Buble's second studio album It's Time reached #7 on the Billboard charts. While America slept, the album went on to sell 3.2 million copies. His second album put away 1.9 million.

• One can never ignore in all things American the power of the Oprah, who had Buble on the show two weeks ago, fueling this latest rise up the charts.

• Buble also speaks to an older demographic, who are still tied to that quaint tradition of buying albums instead of just stealing them off the internet.

• And hipsters everywhere should take heed. Buble's success demonstrates the enormous power of that not-yet-banished sector of entertainment consumers: uncool people. While their tastes may account for zero percent of the stories America's hipster-obsessed music press writes , they still control a vast swath of the actual music spending dollar.

• It's interesting, as a little thought experiment, to imagine what might happen to dying newspapers if they covered the entertainments that the greatest numbers of American people actually consumed....Now say if you were a newspaper seeking to not die by attracting readers and you knew there were millions of people interested enough in Michael Buble to spend money on him versus dozens of people willing to shell out for the Arctic Monkeys, wouldn't you think that writing more articles about the big-following artist as opposed to lots of articles about the tiny following artist would lead to more readers? Naaahhh...that there is just crazy talk.

The stage had been set; a six month lead-up to their return kicked off by a celebrated appearance at the American Idol finale, Gene Simmons sharing the mike with Adam Lambert. Their first album release in 11 years was being backed by the current gold standard of record releases — a Walmart exclusive. With the album tracking in the 150,000 sales range, the music press had all but proclaimed it a lock on the #1 slot.

And then today, somewhere out there in KISS' tour bus, Gene Simmons stepped over passed-out groupies and the bodies of decapitated farm animals from last night's victory party. He made his way towards the front of the bus where today's Billboard had just arrived, pausing to roll his cow tongue up and down the cooling strippers' pole, giving himself a little bracing jolt before he took in the new issue which would feature his made-up face under the banner hed "#1!"

And then he looked down and saw...Michael Fucking Buble.

Today the numbers were tabulated and KISS placed a distant second to crooner Michael Buble's Crazy Love album. As explained on Hitfix, all the world's music gurus neglected to take into account the one power in the Universe stronger than Walmart — Oprah herself, who invited Buble on last Friday, sending his collection of olde timey ballads soaring off the racks over the weekend and earning him the top slot.

If it's any consolation to the face-painted army, at least they missed losing to Streisand by a week.

• It's a waiting game to see whether Vivendi will exercise its put option on its remaining 20 percent stake in NBC Universal, possibly sending the network studio hybrid into the fabled lands of IPO. While the anticipation mounts, Vivendi's chair said the company would take the next few months to make up its mind. [Variety]

• Oprah's Harpo Productions, Sam Mendes and Focus Features are teaming up to bring Joseph O'Neill's celebrated cricket pot-boiler Netherland to the big screen. [Variety]

• Spike Lee and Robert DeNiro announced plans to make a series about Alphabet City for Showtime. Alphaville will be an ensemble drama set in the 1980's. [Hollywood Reporter]

• With a mere two months until its release, pre-sales of tickets for New Moon the second installment of the Twilight saga have been brisk, with many locations reporting showings have already sold out. [Hollywood Reporter]

• What you won't read much about in the trades is the rumors about the trades themselves. Yesterday, Nikki Finke declared Variety was planning to take its website behind a pay wall and the Hollywood Reporter to cease publication entirely. The Wrap attempted to find the truth behind the rumors. It quotes a "high level" Reporter exec reacting "with amusement" to Finke's item, while Variety remained oblique about its online plans. [The Wrap]