This isn't the first time Winfrey's shanked her holiday audiences. (Scoring seats at a Thanksgiving-week Oprah episode is like playing scratch-offs: you have a 1-in-5 chance of winning, since she always does it during Thanksgiving week, but never says exactly which day she'll do.) Last year, the audience flew into the requisite screaming seizures when Oprah announced it was a 'Favorite Things' episode—and then died down really fast when she said the theme would be "the recession," and they were all getting thrifty products and ideas for D.I.Y junk.

A blast from the wantonly materialistic 'Favorite Things' of yore is a journey into the chi of Oprah, which apparently exists at the intersection of "comfort," "convenience," and "delicious," with a really heavy emphasis on "delicious."

We Take the Cake Key Lime Cake
In her first 'Favorite Things' episode in 2002, Oprah matched her lime green outfit to a bundt cake drizzled with key lime juice and smothered in key lime cream cheese frosting. "Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels" does not apply to 'Favorite Things.'

Dreamtime Foot Cozys
These highly evolved socks, featured in the 2002 show, come with microwavable aromatherapy packs filled with calming cinnamon, comforting clove, and revitalizing eucalyptus, all of which will make your feet good enough to eat.

Ralph Lauren Black Label Slim-Fit Cashmere Sweater
This was one of the orgasmic scream-inducing items from 'Favorite Things' 2003, on account of women loving things that are (a) soft (b) elite (c) tell them they are slender. It's such a simple formula!

Philosophy The Gingerbread Man Body Products
By 2003, a 'Favorite Things' formula had been established: If a 'Favorite Thing' is not a food, then it should seem like a food and/or make the user feel like she is a food. Thus, Philosophy's Gingerbread Man body products, which allow the user to bathe in sugar and turn herself into a delicious human-shaped holiday snack.

Tilia FoodSaver Vac
If a 'Favorite Thing' is not a food, and neither seems like a food nor turns the user into a food, then facilitating the consumption of food is also acceptable, as Oprah demonstrated in 2003.

Ugg Classic Short Boot
Remember when Uggs were cool and trendy? Apparently that was before 2003, when Oprah first place them on the feet of Midwestern housewives. She went on to hand out other Ugg models in 2005 and 2007.

Orbitz
I have no idea what it means that Oprah gave her audience "Orbitz" in 2004, but let's assume it was one of those "Al Gore invents the internet" things. I, Oprah, bestow unto you the gift of competitively priced airfare and hotel reservations.

Apple Bottom Jeans
In 2003, Oprah told her audience they were skinny by giving them slim-fit sweaters. In 2004, she told they they had fat butts by giving them Apple Bottom jeans. Which reminds me, what ever happened to Search for the Next Apple Bottom Girl, in which rapper/designer Nelly scoured the world in search of girls with huge butts who look good in his jeans? Apple Bottom Girl was only supposed to last one year. How did he find the next one, without the aid of a viewing public??

Garrett Popcorn
Mail-order staple (and Chicago brand) Garrett Popcorn appeared in 2002 and 2005, with Oprah favoring the Caramel Crisp and Cheesy flavors. I have eaten this popcorn, and can vouch for its tastiness.

The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle
At age 13, German self-help guru Eckhart Tolle decided school was a "hostile environment" and dropped out, making him a weird choice for a segment that once had an all-teacher audience, to express Oprah's respect for education. Anyway, Tolle went on to write about how you, too, can find a Portal to the Now of the Unmanifested.

LG HD-TV Refrigerator
Now, you can watch Oprah and eat—at the same time! In 2007, 'Favorite Things' got dangerously close to self-parody.
http://www.lge.com/products/model/detail/gr-p227s.jhtml

Nancy's Healthy Kitchen Low-Fat Cookies
Lest you think 'Favorite Things' is all about sitting on your cashmere-lined apple bottom, eating delicious food and getting fat, watch Oprah fly into song about the deliciousness of these healthy cookies which have "less the one gram of fat." She forces her audience to tear open their bags and feast right then and there, and they murmur and nod their heads. Yes, these taste as though they have many grams of fat in them, not just one. Just once, I'd like to see someone spit their 'Favorite Thing' food out and say it is inedible, or maybe go into anaphylactic shock over a buried peanut.

• "Mind-bending" is what the LA Times calls the worldwide "New Moon" total for its opening weekend. And the domestic take of $140.7 million was $38 million more than any other film not launched during the lucrative summer months. This time around, ticket sales appeared to be bolstered by more adult women looking to escape their dreary lives through the seductive portals of sweet Edward's hazel eyes. "New Moon" led a strong weekend overall, during which "The Blind Side" with Sandra "blond" Bullock posted a surprising $34.5 million. Mind officially bent.[LA Times]

• The real stars of Sunday's American Music Awards were the backup dancer who performed fake oral sex on Adam Lambert, and Jennifer Lopez's ass, which cushioned her when she fell on it. But there were some awards, too: Taylor Swift won artist of the year, favorite female pop-rock, country and adult contemporary artist, and favorite album for her CD "Fearless". Michael Jackson posthumously won four awards, including favorite male pop-rock and soul-R&B artist. [LA Times]

• Not to be outdone by vampires, werewolves are poised for a comeback: Indie producers Joel Kastelberg and Etchie Stroh are resurrecting 1981's werewolf flick "The Howling". But where will they find a werehunk as hot as Taylor Lautner? [Variety]

• Oprah is producing "a sexually charged hourlong series pilot about a woman who leaves her seemingly perfect marriage and children in Santa Monica for the underbelly of L.A., where she indulges her secret fantasies and desires." It will be on HBO and seems like a perfectly natural progression from her daytime television talk show. [Variety]

• James Cameron's 3D crazyfest "Avatar" will not be 3 hours, as had been previously speculated. It will be a very modest 2 1/2 hours instead. Rip off! [The Wrap]

• Nooooooooooooo!!!!! Cougartown halted production last week ""in order for Courteney to deal with a private family matter." Nobody knows when filming will resume on the cougar-acclaimed sitcom. [Hollywood Reporter]

• Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart decided to opt out of going to The Box for their New York New Moon premiere after-party, instead opting to go to Avenue, where they could sit around, drink vodka, drink beer, get trashed, leave, go home, and do it. Robert Pattinson's psychotic, obsessive stalkerfans, are you listening? Tune your teenage to mid-30s adult ears to this: Rather than hang out with Kellan Lutz and the rest of their cast, you know what they're doing? They're going home and doing it. Now, I know, I know, you all think Kristen Stewart is the most evil thing in the universe and that she should die a fiery death while Rob realizes who the real lady of his life needs to be: you. You should probably get used to the fact that (A) this will never happen because you're not movie-star good looking and she is, (B) the love you do find will be some kind of settlement, (C) and they will probably work in middle management, and (D) they will not be a blood-sucking vampire, they will just suck at your will to live. So! While Robert Pattinson enjoys ditching his Twilight castmates for getting drunk and doing it with Kristen Stewart, you're getting prepared for life! #NotAfraidToBeServicey. Psychos. [Page Six]
  
  
• Okay, Boris and Natasha-esque Rush and Molloy, you done did good on this one! Today the Daily News gossip duo focus their moose-and-squirrel sights on Christie Brinkley's fourth divorce, from Peter Cook, which ex-husband Billy Joel is being a mensch about and stepping up to her defense for. Unfortunately, this is being countered by a former Brinkley maid, Alzirene Vianna, stepping out and giving details for. This shit is too crazy. Highlights: Christie never encouraged her daughter to call her dad, Billy. Christie told her then 8 year-old daughter that she basically needed to stop fucking up her relationship with Kristie's new mans. Christie used to kick doors when she was locked out of rooms by her husbands. Christie was a pillhead. Christie used to throw stuff at husbands leaving in cars from inside their house, via window. Basically: Christie Brinkley is insane, and on her fourth divorce because of it. [NYDN]
  
  
• NICE. While every guy in the club the other night after the Victoria's Secret fashion show was clamoring to get a spot next to some of the hotness, Jay-Z gave explicit instructions to keep him away from them because he didn't want to piss off Beyonce. The man's got respect for his lady, yo. If I were with Beyonce, I would, too. Jay-Z's gonna be the one guy not to fuck his good thing up. Nice. Alternate Take/Conspiracy Theory: Jay-Z worked very hard to stay away from models at the Victoria's Secret show to get his publicist to plant an item that could be corroborated with other accounts and placed in Page Six so Beyonce would let him off the short leash he's on to go kick it with models. Yeah, but again, the problem with this theory is that Jay-Z's married Beyonce. [Page Six]
  
  
• Best random fact of the day: Andre Leon Talley wears size 16 shoes. Yes, they are bespoke. [Page Six]
  
  
• OH COME ON Page Six. Today's front story is such boring bullshit (they put Patz and K-Stew in the second spot). They open up with this awesome lede about how, wait, just, read this: "They say practice makes perfect. When Mark Consuelos tried out for a permanent role on the ABC soap "All My Children," his behind-closed-doors rehearsals with future wife Kelly Ripa paid off big." So you're thinkin, oh, man, maybe they had some kind of secret closet conspiracy sex or something, awesome, Evil Kelly Ripa is the shit, except, not. Nope. It's just the story about how their rehearsal scenes for soaps were better than everyone else's because they'd done did it before. Like, sex. Except I guess sex in Kelly Ripa and Mark Consuelos' world involves lots of bare-manchest making out, heavy breathing, and speaking in expository plot points between breaths. Oh, and the people holding the rehearsals didn't know. This is top story material? Really? Related: Soap Operas make you stupider. Anything that Gossip Girl can make look functionally braindead is, on some level, an impressive feat. [Page Six]
  
  
• Richie Akiva, the guy who owns Butter and 1OAK, which are big clubby clubs that famous people go to, is having a big Thanksgiving celebration at Butter for all the clubby club people who stay in town to go eat and drink at because their families hate them because they're club rats. Kidding! No, but really, I hope they stuff their turkey with ketamine. I'd stick around for that. [Page Six]
  
  
• Diddy threw a $3M birthday party at The Plaza. There were lion-tamers and fire-breathers and clowns and magicians and probably a few druglords or two. JK, you guys. There were no lion-tamers. But there were lots of people and, oh wait, what's this? Security was tight and even Tyrese Gibson and "Twilight's" Kellan Lutz had to talk their way into the VIP area. Is it just me or is Tyrese talking his way into more and more security areas these days? Anyway. I hope Diddy got all the cheesecake he wanted for his birthday. [Page Six]
  
  
• Cross-dressing perv Marv Albert and Fiddy Cent did or did not have some kind of run-in on the Kimmel show. What? I don't know. How the hell does a rumor start about Marv Albert getting into a fight with Fiddy Cent's entourage? There are at least 21 questions about this kind of thing, none of the answers do I give a shit about knowing. [NYDN]
  
  
• Oprah announced that she's leaving The (Talk Show) Game, and now her best friend Gayle King is gonna try to steal the crown. Don't forget to kiss the ring, Gayle. [Page Six]
  
  
• Olympic swimmers! They're just like us. They like to smoke weed and sometimes mess up their taxes. Whoops! Michael Phelps, dude, face outta the bong for one sec. Take it to H&R Block, you know? [TMZ]
  
  
• Tyson Beckford drove his motorcycle in circles and then went home. [Page Six]
  
  
• Apparently, it's 1995, because TMZ is making OJ jokes again. [TMZ]

Okay, so, techinical problems aside, we're all feeling much better today! And also, I'm so excited for the next item, I can't even, well, just, okay. Hang in there for one moment. Some things are just too good for the gossip roundup, you know? YOU KNOW. Also, big ups to Jay-Z for being good to Beyonce! Sometimes, people do good things and don't go rub up on models and make a point of it, whether it's because he wants Beyonce to know explicitly or not, right? Right. Here's a good cover of Beyonce's "Halo," let's get this Sunday started.

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

Earlier: Oprah's Favorite Things 2007: The Audience Freaks Out!

First, Oprah would like to get this out of the way: remember the actual outright lie that Drudge printed about how Oprah "snubbed" Sarah Palin? Sarah Palin says it was a whole lot of nonsense! And she didn't even think about it! Lies about lies, already, and it is two minutes in. Palin's hair looks even bigger than it did in 2008 btw.

Sarah Palin says getting vetted was fun! She has a joke about it: she got a D once, in college (which college?) And Oprah is like, wait, your teenage daughter was pregnant why are you pretending that anyone cared about a D? And Sarah Palin is like "they did not give us an allowance to take care of Bristol," and also a lying PR person lied to her about how she loved being a grandma. Sarah Palin did not love being a grandmother!

Oh, hah, Chris Lehmann is doing this, too. He is funemployed!

"Of course, though, not knowing how intriguing it would be, for SOME OF THE HATERS, for some of the critics, to really delve into our personal life, and really make MORE of some of the issues that were there." Also the story where Barack Obama said that Sarah Palin's kids were off-limits? In Sarah Palin's imagination, that was Barack Obama telling the media that his kids were off-limits but that everyone should just go fuckin' nuts on Sarah's kids.

4:13 Oprah is pretending that the things in Sarah Palin's book are true! Now they are doing the famous "a fat man told me to eat a balanced diet" routine. Also: Sarah Palin doesn't like to shop. And: it wasn't a controversy where other candidates got their clothes, why was it a controversy for Palin? BECAUSE OTHER CANDIDATES WEREN'T GETTING NEW CLOTHES WITH CAMPAIGN FUNDS, SARAH.

4:16 Hillary Clinton! Drink!

4:17 The staff was hired to write the script. But her staff couldn't find the script! So they couldn't stay on the script. She was told to stay on the script, "and that was always puzzling to me."

Now she is doing a hilarious impression of someone (McCain?) saying "you screwed up, you went rogue on us."

4:19 Sarah Palin doesn't think she could be blamed for winning the race any more than she could've been credited for winning the race, if they had won! This is an official acknowledgment that she lost the race I think?

4:21 Oh man, a LIBERAL MEDIA ELITE MOVIE TRAILER just MADE FUN OF SARAH PALIN, during the commercial break! But don't worry, The Corner: Hugh Grant and Carrie SexintheCity will learn important lessons about the superiority of life in Real America, in the course of their wacky misadventures among the hicks of Wyoming, all of whom will be played by famous movie stars, like Sam Elliott.

4:23 A network evening news anchor's interview of a major party's Vice Presidential candidate was supposed to be a "fun, light-hearted" interview about the challenges of being a working mom. And then Katie Couric tricked Sarah Palin with questions about politics!

4:25 Oh, good, Oprah is actually playing a clip of the interview. Let's see how Sarah does when challenged with reality! Remember how she couldn't remember a magazine or newspaper? Oprah: "Obviously you've read books and magazines. Why didn't you just name any books and magazines?" SP: "Obviously, I have been a lover of books, all my life." Conspicuously she still has not named a book or magazine that she has read.

4:29 "Are you asking the same thing that I am asking, why, God?" And Todd said "why not, God?" Oprah was "touched" by this line, from Todd: "I'm happy, and I'm also sad." Touching. Also Oprah is mocking her, right?

4:31 Tomorrow: porn! Oprah has questions for Jenna Jameson that we are kinda wishing she'd also ask Sarah. HOW MANY MEN HAVE YOU BEEN WITH, SARAH?

4:33 Levi Johnston just got a round of applause! (Also, drink?) How does Sarah feel about Levi? "Most of the discussion of Levi has to do with his most beautiful baby son, Tripp." She is disappointed that he is doing the porn. Oprah is laying out most of the things that Levi has said about her, and Sarah says you know he is a liar because he said Sarah never went to hockey games. Everyone knows she went to hockey games. Also, beautiful boy, precious, Bristol in college, at home, and Bristol's mission is to remind her sisters that there are consequences to unprotected sex. Like I guess your boyfriend will lie about your mom and then do porn. Tripp is "the most beautiful child," again. This lady loves babies.

4:39 Haha Andrew Sullivan is liveblogging too!

In the last segment, Palin was actually forced to be more critical of her campaign than Oprah is. One wonders: is Oprah this desperate to boost her ratings? Is anyone on TV actually interested in finding out the truth?

IS ANYONE BUT ANDREW SULLIVAN INTERESTED IN FINDING OUT THE TRUTH?

4.39 pm. Who is Auntie Katie?

THE PEOPLE NEED TO KNOW!

4:41 Oh no, the package piece from Wasilla. Sarah changing diapers, all by herself! Todd staying home with one of the miracle babies! Sarah at the gym! Oh, it is Halloween. This is a wonderful look at a regular American family. A family where no one has a job. Piper appears to be dressing as her own father, in a "snow machine" outfit, for Halloween.

4:44 Hah. Being "physically apart" from each other has always worked for Todd and Sarah! But what the hell do they do now, when neither of them are working?

4:49 Ok, FreshDirect just came, so I had to pause the LIES ABOUT THE CONCESSION SPEECH for a minute. Sorry. Sarah Palin was disappointed that she was denied one last opportunity to remind Americans that we needed to move forward. And so America was unable to move forward. All because of Steve Schmidt and his lies about VP candidates not traditionally giving concession speeches!

4:51 Sarah Palin's "support system" would blow you away, Oprah!

4:52 "Even after finishing the book, I still don't know why you stepped down?" She does not really have a good explanation! It was because Barack Obama sent in too many FOIA requests. Obama hammered Alaska and she was shackled behind the governor's desk. With FOIA requests. She could not speak about what she believed in. Oprah is still baffled.

4:54 "She's not retreating, she's reloading." That is what dad said. Sarah Palin is concentrating on 2010, because obviously we will be dead, in 2012. Oh, and Trig will be in kindergarten. Space kindergarten, hopefully.

4:56 "One final question: should I be worried?" Yes, Oprah, probably. But you needn't be worried about this inarticulate rabble-rouser having a talk show. Now Palin is sucking up to Oprah, who she used to watch, back when she was a stay-at-home mom (Sullivan you should probably fact-check this). THE END. "Thank you Piper," Oprah says, and then the camera cuts to DAVID LETTERMAN AND A-ROD TAG TEAMING A CHILD, AN UNDERAGED CHILD.

UGH.

5:00 That was the most boring episode of Oprah I've ever watched!

1.) Chris Brown loves women.
He appeared on The Wendy Williams Show today to continue The Remorse Tour '09.

2.) The Unveiling of Charla Nash
Charla—who had her hands and face gruesomely torn off by her friend's pet chimp—was interviewed by Oprah this week. Her eyes were lost in the attack, so she hasn't seen what she looks like.

Also, while I generally love primates, the one who attacked Charla looks like an asshole.

3.) Slade's smiley

4.) Ben Affleck's cameo on Curb Your Enthusiasm
If you blink, you'll miss him.

5.) Tabloid stars collide

On The Insider this week, Jon Gosselin was giving Levi Johnston some "parenting advice." Earlier in the week on the same show, he went into some detail about his responsibility as a parent.

And he also talked shit on Kate's hair and kissing skills.

6.) Speaking of hair…
This kid has been suspended from school for getting an elaborate design shaved into his head. He is not allowed to return unless he shaves the rest of his head. His parents are supporting his "freedom of expression." Judging from the way he speaks, this kid needs a lot more school, and a little less expression.

7.) Men blame everything on our periods!

8.) This:

9.) Stephanie Pratt is growing on me.

10.) "It's important for women to stick together."
Faux-minism is not the answer for tackling double standards, when you don't even know what "double standards" are.

In an interview he just finished with Playgirl editor-in-chief Nicole Caldwell, Levi says of the invite, "You could tell by her laugh she was full of it." The petition to come over for some turkey was part of a segment the former Alaska governor taped for an Oprah episode that airs Monday.

Levi also that it was a "nice gesture, but she didn't mean it" and if he went, it would be "awkward." He also tells Entertainment Tonight, "Either she's telling a little spoof here or she's going to ask me in the next couple of days. I couldn't care less to go with Sarah Palin, but I want to be with my kid. It would probably be a little weird. It would be uncomfortable, but I'd go for my son's sake."

Well, between Levi's upcoming issue of the magazine and Palin's book, we think that a Thanksgiving dinner together (promptly followed by a food fight) would be just the photo op these two need to keep their prolonged dance of death going.

With the contract on Oprah's show running out, and with her fledgling Oprah Winfrey Network struggling to get off the ground, the entertainment world has been speculating wildly about her next move. To most, however, it seemed unthinkable that Oprah could walk away from her ATM machine of a TV show — contemplating the fate of daytime TV minus Oprah is like Cold War strategists trying to imagine a world without the Soviet Union.

The Big O has been developing the Oprah Winfrey Network for some time in partnership with Discovery Communications, but the network has had trouble getting off the ground without the presence of its namesake's own show. Finke reports that Discovery's chief finally demanded that Oprah go all in and bring her show over or give up on the network entirely. If after much vacillation, which reportedly included several canceled phone appointments with Les Moonves to break the news to him, it would be a big change of heart for Oprah to base her empire on her own cable channel rather than a mere syndicated show.

Back in 1998, when Oprah was poised to take over cable as one of the three "founding mothers" of the Oxygen network, she dangled the possibility of her talk show airing on the new cable station:

She also said she intended to provide ''input and ideas'' in the short-term before she is free from other commitments to produce more programming for the channel. Specifically, she said she had never sold rerun rights to the huge library of editions of her daily talk show and, ''This seems like the perfect place to release them.''

A decade later, when Winfrey announced her OWN network in January 2008, she tried to distance herself as much as possible from the disappointing Oxygen: "I was not a participant in the development of the channel... That's why after a couple of board meetings I took myself off the board."

• Did you hear? Did you hear? Ashlee Simpson got fired! A mere two months into Melrose Place's run, she and Colin Egglesfield have been let go, merely as a function of the plot, you see, it has nothing to do with their acting abilities or Ashlee being too big a star for the CW. The show's producer told Entertainment Weekly that, since they finally got ol' Ashlee out of the way, the show start being "fun, romantic, [and] sexy." Yes, that quote is out of context. [EW]
• Madonna's pulling an Oprah, with plans to build a $15 million all-girls school in Malawi. Hopefully Madge's will have fewer sex scandals. Is it inappropriate to now note how cute Lourdes looks in the pic NYDN accompanies the article? Because really, adorable. [Page 6]
• Three more alleged Lohan/Patridge burglars have been unmasked. They're all teenagers, and one is under investigation for swiping $2 million in jewelry from Paris Hilton's house. Kids these days! So greedy, so cunning, so frighteningly well-connected. [TMZ]
• Lindsay Lohan's ban from Avenue has been lifted, a great relief to proponents of LiLo debauchery and/or self-destruction. The ban started when Lindsay tweeted about Justin Timberlake macking on some chick who wasn't his girlfriend, which is verboten because what happens at Avenue stays at Avenue, see? Ever the self-starter, Lindsay "besieged" Avenue with requests to be let back into its gilded inner-circle. They relented, and she went twice last week. [Page 6]
• Gerard Butler is maybe-dating Jessica Simpson. Gerard Butler was seen at Waverly Inn with "a sexy blonde with an unidentified accent." Gerard Butler recently said he's into threesomes, so maybe...??? [3AM] [Page 6]
• Jamie Foxx drove Gerard Butler "crazy" because he followed him around his dressing room on the set of Law Abiding Citizen. Gerard Butler recently said he's into threesomes, so maybe...??? [Show Biz Spy]
• New Moon star Taylor Lautner discusses, yet again, how ripped he got for his werewolf role, which requires him to cavort on screen without his shirt a bunch. He says he'd like to be known for his acting some day, too. [Show Biz Spy]

This past Monday marked an important date in the death of macho: Oprah, the nation's greatest arbitrator of cultural trends, hosted Mike Tyson, the boxer most known for wife-beating and biting off Evander Holyfield's ear. The latter was the bloody, maniacal and all-around shocking moment in which Tyson become macho's ugly extreme: he was a monster, and the public, however horrified, fed the beast, which may explain those regrettable tattoos.

But thanks to some soothing words from Oprah this week, a contrite Tyson was brought to tears as he cried about his troublesome past and, most tenderly, the death of his daughter. Since simple tears may not be enough to completely rehabilitate Tyson, Oprah's bringing him on again this Friday, when he'll sit down and have a gab with Holyfield himself.

The resultant sob fest may very well make these former enemies the best of friends. Or, at the very least wash them both, but mostly Tyson, of their respective heavy-weight images.

Tyson's is just one of the many examples of once-fierce men rebranding themselves in more family-friendly fashion. The most obvious, of course, is former braggart wrestler Dwayne Johnson. Sure, "The Rock" still has some action chops, but how can anyone take him seriously after seeing him dressed up as, quite literally, a fairy in his latest, The Tooth Fairy. A sadder display we have not seen.

Even action heroes aren't manly anymore: Jake Gyllenhaal may be buff in Prince of Persia, but he's hardly a macho man. Nor is Adrien Brody, who will be fighting the aliens in the Predator remake. And so it goes. Thanks, birth control.

• There's high-flying drama in the house of Oprah. One of the talk show queen's personal flight attendants filed a lawsuit in which she claims she was inappropriately fired over bunk "mile high" claims. Other attendants, including Gayle King's daughter, claimed that Corrine Gehrls and pilot Terry Pansing had sex during a flight, but both parties denied it — and passed a lie detector test. Still, Oprah refused to give them their jobs back and now Gehrls wants $75,000, which she could find in Oprah's couch. [Us]
  
  
• Irritatingly cute singer Michael Buble has found a new lady love — his music video vixen, Luisana Lopilato. She speaks little English. Score! [Page Six]
  
  
• A hearty congratulations to Christina Hendricks, our favorite Mad Men redhead, who was married this weekend. We're sure our invitation got lost in the mail. [ET]
  
  
• Prison's taking its toll on Roman Polanski, whose lawyer says he's "depressed." And that depression will no doubt deepen if he's extradited. [THR]
  
  
• Penelope Cruz won't say if she's pregnant, but she wore a loose-fitting dress, which in Hollywood code means she is. If only all of life's big announcements were so easy. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Emmy Rossum, who's reportedly sleeping with Counting Crows front man Adam Duritz, says she understands why "chicks dig him," which is funny, because we can't imagine why... [People]
  
  
• Madonna's brother, Christopher Ciccone, fancies himself an artist. [Page Six]
  
  
• Finally! After being denied the chance to be on I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here, former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich will now live his reality show dreams on Donald Trump's Celebrity Apprentice. Now, isn't it time we all make more concrete rules about who exactly counts as a "celebrity." [Chicago Tribune]
  
  
• Kourtney Kardashian's unborn child will be a boy. [NYDN]
  
  
• Dannii Minogue, Kylie's less famous and less talented singer, made an off-hand remark about an X Factor star's sexuality, apologized profusely, but people still want her head. [The Sun]
  
  
• Late reality star Jade Goody's ex-husband, Jeff Brazier, vowed never to let her widower, Jack Tweed, see Goody's children again because he's a no good drinker with anger problems. Fair enough. [Daily Mail]

It seems as though various members of Phillips' family are split over the allegations made in Mackenzie's memoir High on Arrival. In a written statement to Oprah, half-sister Bijou said the following:

When I was 13, Mackenzie told me that she had a consensual sexual relationship with our father. This news was confusing and it was also scary, as I lived alone with him since I was three. I didn't know what to believe, and it didn't help that shortly thereafter, it didn't happen. Mackenzie's history with our father is hers, but also clouded with 30 years of drug abuse. I hope she can come to terms with this and find peace. The life I had with my father was very different. He was Mr. Mom. He was encouraging and loving. The man that raised me would never be capable of doing such things, and if he was, it is heartbreaking for me to think that my family would leave me alone with him. I understand Mackenzie's need to come clean with the history that she feels will help others, but it's devastating to have the world watch as we try and mend broken fences, especially when the man in question isn't here to defend himself.

In the clip on the left, Mackenzie responds to Bijou's statement.


Mackenzie's half-brother Tamerlane posted a YouTube video, in which he neither denied nor confirmed the allegations, but instead referred to his family as a "bowl of dog urine" in comparison to his personal guru. He also added a caption to the video that says the following:

i am broke right now if you want to give me money contact my accountant anthony at abonsignore@agsny.com

Two of Mackenzie's former stepmothers, Genevieve Waite (mother of Bijou and Tamerlane), and Michelle Phillips (mother of Chynna), have dismissed the allegations entirely. In a statement to Oprah on Wednesday, Genevieve said:

I am stunned by Mackenzie's terrible allegations about her father. I would often complain about her overly familiar attitudes towards him, and he said it was just her way. John was a good man. … He was incapable, no matter how drunk or drugged he was, to have sexual relations with his own child.

Michelle Phillips has perhaps been the most vocal in her opinion. She admits that John Phillips was a bad father, but refuses to believe Mackenzie's claims of having had a sexual relationship with him. Michelle told the Hollywood Reporter:

Mackenzie has a lot of mental illness. She's had a needle stuck up her arm for 35 years. She was arrested for heroin and coke just recently. She did ‘Celebrity Rehab' and now she writes a book. The whole thing is timed... Mackenzie is jealous of her siblings, who have accomplished a lot and did not become drug addicts.

And in a statement to The Insider she said:

Mackenzie's drug addiction for 35 years has been the result of many unpleasant experiences. Whether her relationship with her father is delusional or not, it is an unfortunate circumstance and very hurtful for our entire family.

In the clip at left, Mackenzie addresses Michelle's recent statements.


But it's not just family members who are responding to Mackenzie's story of incest and rape. Jessica Woods—daughter of the Mamas & the Papas' Denny Doherty—contacted Oprah in a statement, confirming that the allegations are true:

I just watched your show with Mackenzie Phillips. Tears are running down my face. Everything she said is true. My dad told me the awful truth. He was horrified at what John had done and knew all of it.

In the clip to the left, Mackenzie reacts to Jessica's support.


Owen Elliott [pictured left]—daughter of the late Mama Cass—released a statement to Extra today, also confirming the allegations:

Mackenzie is my best friend. She speaks her truth, and it's not a pretty truth. She has lived with this for 30+ years, and talking about this now is an important part of her recovery. I am very proud of her. Her bravery in telling her story is bound to help others.

1.) Behind the Music: Bobby Brown



Despite the fact that Whitney's comeback album and big interview on Oprah is what's renewed the public's interest in Bobby Brown, none of that was mentioned. In fact, when he did speak of Whitney, he wasn't exactly diplomatic.

They were both fucked up during that marriage. After getting addicted to cocaine and heroin, Bobby says that he doesn't remember an entire five-year block of time.

2.) Seth MacFarlane dropped the F-bomb live on E!'s Emmys red carpet show.
And the censors were too slow on the uptake to bleep it.

3.) Michael Jackson's illegitimate sister's first-ever TV interview
Joh'Vonnie Jackson, 31, is Joe Jackson's lovechild who was evidently always known about and even invited to a family reunion at Neverland.

4.) In other fucked-up showbiz family news
While on Oprah on Wednesday, Mackenzie Phillips thought this anecdote about Mick Jagger would lighten the mood set by her incest bombshell, but the audience was too freaked out.

5.) Synergy of #3 and #4
The Insider presents Mack and Mike, together, singing a song about addiction…to junk food.

6.) Lara Spencer's spot gets blown up.

7.) Language arts with The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Alternate way of saying "tardy for the party":

Alternate way of saying "STFU":

Alternate way of saying "vagina":

8.) Wendy Williams sucks at American history.

9.) Khloe Kardashian ponders one of life's big questions.

10.) Senior citizens in a strip club
A strip club in Florida offers senior citizens free flu shots and a buffet lunch.

Free food, meds and tits? This guy is probably wondering if he died already, 'cause he's in heaven.

1.) He had sex with his daughter when she was 17 years old.


2.) He didn't consider this rape, but rather, "making love."


3.) He continued to have sex with his daughter for a decade.


4.) He suggested he and his daughter live as man and wife.


5.) He might have gotten his daughter pregnant.


6.) He taught his 10-year-old child how to roll joints, then made her the official joint-roller.


7.) He taught his teenager how to tie-off and shot her up for the first time.


8.) He reinforced negative behavior.


9.) He gave terrible advice.


10.) He didn't do such a great job with his other kids either.

Q: How bad did it get with the drugs?
A: "We were payin' money."


Q: When did the drugs start?
A: Time is categorized as either "Before The Bodyguard" or "After The Bodyguard."


Q: What did she do when she was high?
A: Read the bible.


Q: What did Bobby Brown do when he was high?
A: Arts and crafts.


Q: How frequently did she do drugs while filming The Preacher's Wife?
A: Every day.


Q: Was Bobby Brown jealous of her?
A: Hell to the yes.


Q: Does Whitney still worry about pleasing Bobby?
A: Hell to the no.
Q: Was Bobby Brown Abusive?
A: Emotionally, yes.


Q: Did Whitney realize what she was getting herself into when she signed up for Being Bobby Brown?
A: Hell to the no.


Q: What was Whitney's drug of choice?
A: Bobby.

A reader tipped us off to this recently posted YouTube video of a vintage Oprah episode in which a woman describes how her Jewish parents forced her to sacrifice babies "for power." We're not entirely sure what that means, but, watching this, we're absolutely astounded by Oprah's miraculous media ascent. One day she's salivating over Jewish cults and the next she's television's queen bee.

Somewhere, sad and alone, Gerlado's screaming, "It should have been me!"

(As for the video's title, "Re: The shocking video Muslims don't want you to see!!," your guess is as good as ours....)

1.) Whitney!

2.) Where do broken hearts go?
Harpo Studios, Chicago.

3.) Was Hailey Glassman on Monday's episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8?
While Kate was away shooting guns, Jon was playing dress up with his daughters, pulling from a bag of women's clothes that definitely were not his soon-to-be-ex-wife's. A girl in the background, with her face blurred out, was lending a helping hand.

Jon filled out his dress, nicely.

I love how one of the little girls ended up looking like Mary-Kate Olsen.

4.) David Rothenberg, grown up
When I was younger, I was obsessed with this TV movie David, starring Bernadette Peters.

It was based on the true story of David Rothenberg, who was only 6-years-old when his father tried to murder him by setting him on fire, and causing severe burns to over 90% of David's body.

The real David whom the movie was based on was befriended by Michael Jackson. David, now in his 30s, has lived a really private life (and changed his name to Dave Dave), but resurfaced this week when he attended—and spoke at—MJ's burial.

He also debunked rumors on Larry King Live.

5.) He's not angry, he's mad.
In other MJ news, Joe Jackson speaks out for the first time since the other times he spoke out.

6.) The poor girl's brother just died!
Alena Jenkins, the 19-year-old sister of Ryan Jenkins, was interviewed today on Good Morning America. Alena is the one who most likely drove her brother to the motel where he subsequently hung himself. While trying to be a hard-nosed journalist, this GMA reporter just ended up coming off like an insensitive ass.

7.) Maureen McCormick is losing weight for publicity…again.

She's also losing her mind.

8.) Who wants an Alter-Ego?

9.) "Her future ambition is to be a successful woman."
Crawl before you walk, bitch. God!

10.) "Limousines, Parties"
Did you know that the Daytime Emmy Awards is the most glamorous night in television?

Pure glamour!

• Oprah once dedicated an episode on domestic violence to all "the Rihannas in the world," which Chris Brown described as a "slap in the face" because he has helped Oprah and Africa and the world, so he deserves respect and Oprah can suck it and should have offered assistance. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Rihanna has clearly moved on from Chris Brown: the singer has been running around Los Angeles with Travis London, who has been "linked," whatever that means, to Mary-Kate Olsen. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Susan Boyle's album, which comes out in November, has hit Amazon's number one music slot, which means she's beating out the legendary Whitney Houston. That's got to hurt. [3am]
  
  
• The Miss Universe court has confirmed that Donald Trump helps pick the top 15, but absolutely promise the top ten are picked by outside judges. [Page Six]
  
  
• When Jerry Powers sold out his Ocean Drive magazine to Niche Media, he signed a noncompete contract. But now he's suing to be released so he can start a new glossy and publish a teen-targeted non-profit publication, which Niche rudely considers competition. [Page Six]
  
  
• Celebrity baby fans, pay attention: Idina Menzel and Taye Diggs have welcomed their first child, a son named Walter, into the world. Rejoice! [NYDN]
  
  
• Crazed fans held up filming on Sex and the City Sequel when they swarmed Cynthia Nixon, forcing her to barricade herself in her trailer until enough holy water could be delivered. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• A tabloid recently ragged on Russell Crowe for eating tacos and smoking while he was meant to be riding his bike with a trainer. Not one to let others make an ass of him, Crowe has now challenged the gossip columnist to a two-wheeled duel. [Mirror]
  
  
• Speaking of hold ups, Nike has put off plans to release the late DJ AM's shoe line. The company and his family have discuss the "next step in terms of release." Does that mean money? [TMZ]

The segment began with Vick telling the world how he realizes what he did was wrong and how so very sorry he is for having done it:

The first day I walked into prison, and he slammed that door, I knew the magnitude of the decision that I made, and the poor judgment, and what I allowed to happen to the animals. And, you know, it's no way of explaining the hurt and the guilt that I felt. And that was the reason I cried so many nights. And that put it all into perspective...I let myself down, not being out on the football field, being in a prison bed, in a prison bunk, writing letters home, you know. That wasn't my life. That wasn't the way that things was supposed to be. And all because the so-called culture that I thought was right, that I thought it was cool. and I thought it was fun, and it was exciting at the time. It all led to me laying in a prison bunk by myself with no one to talk to but myself.

Asked who he blames for it all, Vick responded, "I blame me."

Brown, who reportedly scooped NBC's Bob Costas and America's thuggish overlord/fast food terrorist Oprah in scoring the interview, didn't seem to go easy on Vick and asked all of the questions one would reasonably hope he would ask. The big post-interview question in the public's mind now seems to be, "Are Michael Vick's expressions of remorse sincere?" Judging by the comments in the thread attached to the story on CBS' website and on Twitter, it seems as though most people think he's full of shit and thus should be punished further and in barbaric fashion, which is just plain ridiculous.

Keeping in mind that the crimes Mike Vick pled guilty to are horrific in ways unimaginable to most of us, the guy served his time behind bars as dictated by this country's legal system and did so without incident, losing a multi-million dollar personal fortune and his dignity along the way. Now he's out trying to put the pieces of his broken life back together again, working closely with the humane society to educate inner city kids about the immoralities of animal abuse, and his detractors are still not happy, nor will they ever be frankly. Even if there was some way to tap into Michael Vick's soul to prove without a doubt that he really does feels guilty about what he did, there still would be a large segment of the population that wouldn't be satisfied unless Vick himself were mauled by blood-thirsty dogs inside of cage in an arena filled with thousands of screaming animal rights activists and broadcast around the world on television.

Sadly, many of the unforgiving seem to be of the liberal persuasion, the left side of the ideological spectrum where virtues such as empathy, forgiveness and tolerance are supposed to be most revered, proving once again that hypocrisy knows no political boundaries.

Watch CBS Videos Online

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• So much for that little diet of hers — America's thuggish, chicken riot-inciting overlord, Oprah, ate her way through Manhattan over the weekend, making stops at the Times Square TGIFridays for potato skins and Dylan's Candy Bar for Starbursts and Hershey's Kisses, just like your average Midwestern tourist. [Page Six]
  
  
• No celebrities want to appear on Amy Sacco's dumb Bravo reality show, because Amy Sacco and her little nightlife empire and over and dead! [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Well here's a bright little ray of sunshine to warm even the coldest heart — Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson are giving it yet another go! [Page Six]
  
  
• Renee Zellweger and Bradley Cooper were spotted over the weekend boarding a plane to Spain. Though they've yet to confirm their coupledom, traveling overseas together is pretty much a dead giveaway, right? [Page Six]
  
  
• Poor Jessica Simpson recently got dumped by the epic tool quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys and now she's scared to death in Japan after an earthquake made her pretty blonde little head worry. [Sun]
  
  
• Gossip Girl co-stars Leighton Meester and Sebastian Stan are reportedly deeply in love with each other, so much so that they plan on moving in together very soon. [Page Six]
  
  
• So not only does Cameron Diaz now resemble a character on Nip/Tuck, but she also has armpits that have the audacity to sweat profusely, an unfortunate trait for someone who's photographed as often as she is. [Mirror]
  
  
• Finally, at age 35 and after years of drinking, drug use, nonstop partying, rocker dude-boning, etc., Kate Moss is beginning to show some wear and tear on that beautiful face of hers. [Daily Mail]