• The White House party crashers met Barack Obama before, as part of a surreal coterie at last year's America's Polo Cup. Polo networking site PoloContacts.com shows the Salahis posing with Obama, Randy Jackson, "Black Eyed Peas Rock Band," and "rock band JOURNEY." Michaele is identified as "former Miss USA and SuperModel." According to Wikipedia, nobody named Michaele has ever won the Miss USA contest, but I like the idea of her real name being something plain and Midwestern like Wendy or Martha or Gretchen. She posed for pictures with beauty queens, too. [PoloContacts] [PoloContacts]
• 
  
• Next question: Is Michaele Salahi a compulsive liar, or is she actually delusional? On the day of the infamous State Dinner, Michaele got help from her hairstylist fixing her sari, and said she called the White House personally to ask whether her ensemble would offend the Indian delegation. Her friends asked to see the invite, but, oh my, looks like she has misplaced it, must've left it "in the limo," alas. [People]
• 
  
• On Sunday at 2:45, "a source close to" Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal told People the pair had broken up, prompting a thousand teenage screams of despair (that the golden couple had broken up) and elation (that Jake was back on the market). But then at 5:00, their reps said it wasn't true, ad a temporary rift in the teen-scream-iverse healed. [People]
• 
  
• Alleged Tiger Woods mistress Rachel Uchitel knows exactly where this mess is going, and has hired Gloria Allred, high-profile lawyer to scandal-marred female tabloid victims, from Clinton harassee Paula Jones to the family of Nicole Brown Simpson. [NYDN]
• 
  
• Jamie Foxx is on Team Jacob. At the New Moon premiere, Foxx asked werewolf portrayer Taylor Lautner to pose with him for a photograph because "my daughter is a huge fan, and I'm a huge fan." If I had to hazard a guess, that last part probably wasn't true, but it's cute that Taylor got excited. Before we turn them into leathery wizened celebubots, teen stars can be so sweet. [Gatecrasher]
• 
  
• "Tila Tequila's Energy Secret" is an infinite stream of Red Bull parceled into 20-can tables, which is part of her rider when she strips at high-end clubs. She also won't allow herself to be photographed smoking, for hers is a sterling reputation that must not be sullied. [P6]
• 
  
• Tinsley and Topper Mortimer have reinvented romance. The hedge fund baron is so in love with his ex, he'll do anything—even fake be in love! "Topper is still into Tinsley. They talk three times a day. He has even offered to show up [on her show] if she has a date in public with another man, to help ratings. They may even get back together for ratings." It is impossible to tell where the snake's mouth ends and its tail begins. [P6]
• 
  
• Padma Lakshmi is hot and she knows it, and it's not vanity because she once dated Salmon Rushdie and knows all about metaphor: "I like me better naked. I don't mean that in a vain way... Clothes are adjectives, they are indicators. When you don't have any clothes on, it's just you, raw, and you can't hide." [P6]
• 
  
• New details about Anthony Michael Hall's alleged domestic assaullt of girlfriend Diana Falzone: Police say he "pushed, shoved, and spit" and "bit his girlfriend's forehead," the latter of which is somewhat baffling. [P6]
• 
  

Images via Polo Contacts Worldwide

After new castmember Jack Danny (hello, Cheyenne Jackson!) tells Tracy and Jenna that they should be nice to Kenneth because he could be their boss some day, it throws their whole world order out of whack. Tracy decides to get to know Kenneth's future plans to see if he should worry about the way he's treated him. Of course, Kenneth says, in ten years, he hopes to be running the network, except there won't be a network. Burn, NBC! Looks like that Leno experiment will be the death of you.

There was also another great moment with Padma Lakshmi, though it must be unpacked (like a bag lunch) to get to all the layers of diss that it contains (the clip is below). Lakshmi hosts Top Chef on Bravo, which is owned by NBC. Top Chef's biggest sponsor is the "Glad family of products," a phrase that Lady P must know inside and out. To cast her as an egomaniacal version of herself who thinks she invented the sandwich bag (read Glad bag) but doesn't know the name of it will be a real kick in the shins to the people who write the checks for her show. Also, funny. No wonder there won't be a network in 10 years. 30 Rock is trying to put them out of business themselves!

That start time, as always, will be 10 Eastern, when our favorite show gets under way on Bravo, and the live-blogging gets under way in the comments section below this post. All commenters are welcome to chip in on tonight's quip-fest—which should be a lucky one, because this is Episode 11, and today's date is 11/11, and 11 is a lucky number in Vegas. Or so Wikipedia tells me.

Hey, you know what else Wikipedia tells me? That tonight's guest judge, Nigella Lawson, "has been called the 'queen of food porn.'" This might help explain the allure of the preview clip I watched, in which Nigella and the Padma lounge in hotel beds wearing (only?) bathrobes, and call up room service asking for a chef to bring them something delicious for breakfast—and then smile slyly at one another. It looks like the start of the most awesome "food porn" flick ever made. Sadly, it's really just a start a quickfire challenge. But hey, I can always dream, can't I?

Before I do any dreaming, though, let me run through a few highlights from the last episode—the one two weeks ago, I mean (Last week they showed a reunion special, which sucked, so we won't discuss that here—although we did have fun live-blogging it). So, during Episode 10 …

• Many of us were struck by Mike I.'s comment that he was "losing time like a banshee," mainly because we were unaware that banshees had poor time management skills.
• We learned that Robin had hippie parents. Moral: Don't be a hippie parent.
• Eli declared that Star Wars was "the only important thing Natalie Portman has done," thereby ensuring that he well never get laid by Natalie Portman. Or course, he never would have in the first place, so he didn't really lose anything there.
• Toby young made it through the entire episode without saying anything stupid. But that's only because he never showed up.
• When Mike I. was eliminated, several commenters spontaneously declared: "Ding dong the douche is dead!" And there was much joy in Live Blog Oz. Even the Winkie guards joined in the celebration—or at least, I'm sure they would have, if any Winkie guards had been live-blogging along with us.

By the way, if you're wondering what a Winkie guard is, click here. And if you want to see a selection of funny comments from our Episode 10 live blog, click here. When you're ready to live blog, don't click anything, just join me in the comments section below.

In fact, your comments made me laugh so hard, I broke my sauce! (I don't know that means. Ask Jen.) Here's a sampling:

• DahlELama: I can't believe there is a room with two blindfolded Voltaggio boys in it and I'm not there. This is the saddest day.
• WillClark: That's the fastest Eli has run since middle school gym.
• Spirit Fingers: The hell is a sablefish? Are we even following a species chart anymore? Never in my life have I heard of a sablefish. Sounds like a muppet creation.
• ronniedobbs: @Spirit Fingers: It's too close to "silverfish" for my taste.
• son of spam: Padma looks smirky and delicious.
• Mediahohoho: I forget, which hobbit is Eli again?
• xcornmuffinx: @Mediahohoho: If there was a "Dildo Baggins" maybe he'd be that one.
• foshow: Padma! Calm down!
• Dot: Failed Mission.
• ms_priestypants: Why can Eli not properly conjugate verbs?!?!?! That bothers me more than his assiness.
• DahlELama: Oof. Cain and Abel are at it again!
• crookedE: See you later, Invisaline. Or not.

Tonight's edition, I'm sure, will be even more entertaining. Why not join in and share your pithy wit with us? The live blog happens in the comments section below, and the show starts at 10 Eastern on Bravo. I've seen the previews of tonight's episode, and it looks like a real sauce-breaker (dunno, ask Jen). Here are a few things to watch for:

• The quickfire will involve making dinners based on randomly assigned TV shows. Quaker Oats is no longer a Top Chef sponsor, so I guess Mister Ed won't be one of them.
• When the chefs learn that they have to cook for Star Wars starlet Natalie Portman — who is a vegan — several of them look pretty pissed about it. In fact, Count Dooku and Darth Sidious probably never eyed her with such malevolence.
• As usual, Toby Young's role will be the Top Chef equivalent of Jar Jar Binks: He will talk stupidly and we will wish he wasn't there.

But I'm glad you're here. Grab your laptop and have a seat. The show's about to start!

[Image via Getty]

• So Lindsay Lohan and Donatella Versace showed up with the same hair, messed up pout, and similar outfits at last night's Met International Ball. This is causing a huge media frenzy because, well, no one thinks anyone should look like Donatella. Basically, no one has anything to say but, "Ew, gross." [NYDN, NY Post]
• The first photos of Nicole Richie's little bundle of joy, Sparrow, are out. Yes, it's a boy. Yes, that's his name.
• [People]
• James Gandolfini thinks Elaine Stritch is in love with him. The he calls Alec Baldwin fat. Pots and kettles, people. [P6]
• Hulk Hogan thought about killing himself after his wife left him. That's sadder than the cancellation of American Gladiators. [NYDN]
• Katie Holmes and Renee Zellweger could barely contain themselves to meet Julie Andrews. Katie was excited because she says "we have Mary Poppins and Sound of Music playing in our house a lot right now." We always knew Tom was a show queen! [UK Mirror]
• Kate Gosselin has no clue why her brood is acting out. We're sure it has nothing to do with her divorce, the cameras in their faces being taken away, their father wearing too much Ed Hardy, or her horrible hair. Can't be that. [NYDN]
• John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston are reigniting their on-again-off-again. We kind of find this to be like when mom calls on the phone and tells you boring news about a cousin you never see. [E Online]

[Image via Getty]

Yesterday, Rushdie's ex-fling Pia Glenn told the Post that Rushdie "talk[ed] about Padma day and night," and that he was a dick because she wanted to have his children and he dumped her via e-mail. This is roughly analogous to your drunken ex-girlfriend e-mailing you a vicious screed in the middle of the night, and most adults have learned that the safe, gentlemanly thing to do is do not respond to those e-mails. Salman Rushdie, however, is no gentleman.

So he wrote a lengthy, angry statement to Page Six proving that a) he is a thin-skinned, defensive child, and b) he is absolutely, incontrovertibly, indubitably still in love with Padma Lakshmi. It bears quoting at length:

The reason I broke up with Pia Glenn is that I came to feel that she's an unstable person who carries around a large, radioactive bucket of stress wherever she goes. It was just exhausting to deal with.

Her recent explosions . . . demonstrate that she is also an accomplished liar.

It is hard even to list the untruths in her article. We never lived together — she lived at her father's home in Freeport, LI. We never agreed to have children together. Our relationship lasted five and a half months, so it's hard to see how I 'stole a year' of her life.

What most distresses me, however, is her statement that I am still 'obsessed' with my ex-wife, Padma Lakshmi. When my marriage to Padma ended I was saddened and hurt, that's true, but that was two and a half years ago, and, like any adult, I have accepted the world as it is.

As any of my friends can attest, I long ago turned the page and moved on. It's absurd of Ms. Glenn to say otherwise. I wish Padma nothing but the best, particularly now that she is expecting, and have written to her to congratulate her. End of story.

And the kicker:

Rushdie added in a statement: "She's broke, unemployed . . . and obviously decided to sell me out.

Shouldn't spending a decade or so of your life under constant threat of assassination by a global band of violent fanatics who want to silence you teach you something about what matters in life, and what does not matter? Note to Salman Rushdie: Shit like this does not matter. Stop talking to Page Six. Also, please do not stop talking to Page Six, because post-midlife-crisis dissolutions are fun to write about.

Pia Glenn, a ludicrously tall 32-year-old stage actress, started dating Rushdie in September of 2007; Rushdie dumped her via e-mail (well, he is a writer, right?) in June. On Sunday, she told the Daily Mail that he was a coward, and today she tells the Post that he still isn't over Padma:

He would talk about Padma day and night. He felt hurt and betrayed by her. He would talk about her so much I'd ask him to stop.

Glenn tried to keep in touch with Rushdie after he dumped her, but they just ended up fighting all the time. "Its clear that he's not interested in friendship now, which calls into question why he was interested in me in the first place," she told the paper. "If I had thought he only wanted me for sex, I would have gotten out immediately."

Yeah, because who'd have thought that a 62-year-old, four-time married novelist who only dates models who are 25 years younger and a full foot taller than him would want a woman for sex?

100% straightperson Tom Cruise "made constant, constant unrelated homophobic comments on the set of Risky Business according to Bronson Pinchot, who played Balki Bartokomous on the 80's sitcom Perfect Strangers. Balki says Cruise "always talked about himself like he was a mega-superstar" and called his co-stars by their characters' names off-camera. Oh, also, Balki has some straight to video DVD or something coming out. [Onion]

Octomom told her paparazzi friends that she thinks Jon Gosselin is way hot. This could lead to the most awesome media freak show train wreck of all time. Jon has been going for 20-something casting call reject types since his divorce, but the potential publicity surrounding an Octomom encounter might convince Jon to go for her. He just lost his show and fame has always seemed to be his first love. They could start dating and pitch some bizarre eighteen headed monstrosity of a reality show. It would be like a very 2009 version of The Brady Bunch. It would sure pay for a whole lot of Ed Hardy gear. [E! Online]

Salman Rushdie is a "cowardly, dysfunctional and immature" man who breaks up with women over e-mail and is still obsessed with his former flame Padma Lakshmi. All of this information comes to us courtesy of Rushdie's latest ex, Broadway actress Pia Glenn, who is clearly over it and in a very healthy place now. [Page Six]

Britney Spears' next video is an "ode to threesomes." If this blatant ploy for attention doesn't work, Britney might have to start shaving her head and going on umbrella rampages again. [Page Six]

Judges want Roman Polanski to stay in jail while the US government works on getting him extradited from Switzerland to face his conviction for raping a 13 year-old girl in 1977. A Swiss court denied Polanski bail and house arrest because they say the 76 year-old director poses a high flight risk. Polanski has lots of famous friends who think he shouldn't serve time because he makes nice art, has lots of money, and hangs out with them at parties. Some of his sympathetic celebrity buddies might have private planes, so keeping Polanski locked up is probably smart. [NYT]

Balloon Boy's dad Richard Heene was reported to child services a few years back. Heene responded by trying to take out a restraining order on the former business associate who made the report. It seems Heene doesn't mind dealing with the reptilian alien shadow government if they can help him harass his enemies. [TMZ]

• Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are the strangest, most annoyingly compelling ex-spouses in history. They reportedly had a "secret meeting" at a New York hotel so that Pitt could bitch and moan about his crumbling marriage to Angelina Jolie, for whom he left Aniston. Twisted. (PS: Doesn't this picture make you a bit nostalgic?) [Daily Mail]
  
  
• We know you would never do such a thing, but just in case: don't rent your home to Kevin Federline, because he'll ruin it forever. [TMZ]
  
  
• Nancy Grace is not amused by Jon Gosselin, who she thinks is far too self-involved and needs to take care of his many, many children. [Us]
  
  
• We're not entirely sure why, but Jeremy Piven gets a lot of tail. On the positive side, his latest women are of many races, so at least he's an equal opportunity cad, right? [Page Six]
  
  
• Mel Gibson got his wish: that whole anti-Semitic DUI arrest has been expunged from his record. But we'll never forget. [Star]
  
  
• If you're famous and within reaching distance, Courtney Love will kiss you. You've been warned. [Page Six]
  
  
• Hoping to make a great impression on the gays, Levi Johnston's "working out six days a week" for his Playgirl shoot. All we're saying is that we better see penis. [US]
  
  
• Padma Lakshmi's with child, which means she's gaining weight, which means she can't fit into her clothes, so she donated them to charity. We've always liked her style. [Page Six]
  
  
• Sad socialite Tinsley Mortimer hopes to revive her brand with a reality show. But, shocker, none of her rich friends want to be on something so mundane. [Page Six]
  
  
• We always thought only the coastal dwellers enjoy Mad Men, but maybe we're wrong: actress January Jones attended a NASCAR event in Kansas last weekend. But, then again, maybe the car racing fans just like a pretty blond. [Just Jared]
  
  
• The man accused of stalking and peeping on ESPN reporter Erin Andrews allegedly videotaped other women. Why are we not surprised? [NY Post]">People]

• Lindsay Lohan's new clothing line, that she walked down the catwalk in Paris for fashion week, did not go over well with the French. But really: what does? Also, those lips, my god. Are you in there, LiLo? It's me, Margret. Anyway, the clothing looks pretty meh and I'm not impressed, but then again my sense of style extends to "jeans, shirt, whatever, J. Crew" so, you know, there's that. But really: fugly. Meh meh meh. That should've called this line Donatella Mehrsaci. Georgia Mehrmani. The United Colors of Mehnetton. Abercrombie and Meh. Forever Meh. Mehniqlo. TopMeh. Mehccia Prada. Meh Sport. Tommy Mehfinger. Etc. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Beyonce Knowles' dad, Matthew, supposedly knocked up some woman, argues Bucky Turco at ANIMALNY. She's the mother of Tone Loc's son, she's filing a paternity suit against him, and she's a former Seattle Seahawks dancer. All the single Knowles? All the single Knowles. [ANIMAL NY]
  
  
• Padma isn't saying who her baby's daddeh is. Page Six thinks it's the 69 year-old sleezer geezer running IMG. I hope it's Toby Young. [Page Six]
  
  
• Bill O'Reilly doesn't think you should beg if you're caught by enemies in a war zone. In other news, Page Six is running Bill O'Reilly's hostage negotiation tips? Great. Here's a good way to be released by your captors in a war zone: be Bill O'Reilly. Also see: The Ransom of Red Chief. [Page Six]
  
  
• Vincent Gallo, director of The Brown Bunny (who also starred as the film's lead in the trailblazing role of Guy Who Doesn't Talk For Two Hours Only To Get His Dong Sucked By Chloe Sevigny On Camera; the Oscars sadly overlooked it), has phone problems. He had a New York number, he got an LA number, and the guy who took his New York number is still pretending to be him. He's being creepy when girls call and when he was recently invited to a VICE screening of Where The Wild Things Are (which sounds like the best night of paint-huffing children's movie watching ev-ar) fake creepy Vincent Gallo asked the girl who invited "him" for a picture. This could actually be a set up for Gallo's next film, which I would go see. Gallo could play the role of Guy Who Walks Around New York Until He Finds Guy With His Phone Number And Punches Him In The Face (And Then Bones His Girlfriend, Because He's Vincent Fucking Gallo). In other news, maybe you've seen those advertisements we're running for Chelsea on the Rocks, yeah? Well, THIS IS NOT A SPONSORED POST, and also, I haven't seen the movie and have no idea if it's any good or not, but I was working on an interview with Abel Ferrara last year. Ferrara's insane. But this was great:

  I don't like Vincent Gallo.

  A lot of people say that.
  No, but I know him. You know? ‘Cause I introduced him to [my girlfriend, Shannon], and he asked her to marry him after a day. But she didn't bother telling me.

  So he's disrespectful?
  You know, he's a punk, man. He's just a punk. What'd he do? Hit this reporter the other day? I heard he like slammed this chick, right?

  He does it a lot.
  This kid's not right. Right? Right? Because he said that she didn't like his leather jacket. Smashed some chick in the face! [Editor's Note: Vincent Gallo did not actually, physically attack anyone.] You know what I'm saying? But I mean, you know, what can I say about the kid? I don't wanna talk about him.

  Say what you will about Abel Ferrara or Vincent Gallo, but they're both awesome New York characters. I wish this rivalry got hot and we could have some kind of charity thing where Ferrara gets to beat Vincent Gallo with a nightstick for two minutes. And then Ferrara goes over a dunk tank, and Vincent Gallo has to throw wadded up tissues at the target. That is all. [Page Six]
  
  

• Rush and Molloy, the husband and wife Boris and Natasha-esque gossip team, focus their Moose and Squirrel lens today on Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem, who they say are engaged. This is what they lead with. They're engaged. We all know she's preggers with her kid and they've been together for a while, so this isn't a surprise or really any kind of lead item. Rush and Molloy, I H8U, you're like the Family Circus of gossip pages. You suck this week. [NYDN]
  
  
• Heh. Barry Diller got dissed by Larry Page for Page's Blackberry. I think Page was just being coy and Diller was playing hard to get. But that's how I read into it. Also, Google sux. Heh. [Page Six]
  
  
• Does Liza Minelli get emotional and have to stop a medley written for Judy Garland at every performance? Isn't that part of her Itzhak Perlman-like shtick? Sorry Gays, I know she's Vishnu to you, but seriously? Come on. [Page Six]
  
  
• You know whenever a Page Six item begins with the words "Hedge-fund wife," it's going to be spectacular. And this was great: Lisa Falcone—a hedge-fund wife—donated $10M to the High Line without her husband's input. That's $10M for a "park" that's 30 feet above the ground and, I mean, listen: I don't know how to explain the High Line to anyone who doesn't live in New York, suffice to say it's one of those ridiculous New York things we enjoy (like waiting in Madison Square Park an hour for a burger, yes: a burger) that makes us all categorically insane. It's a park built on an abandoned elevated rail track. And $10M is a lot of money for it not to have people movers, or something. Anyway: this hedge-fund wife offered up the ten large without her husband knowing. And this was the quote: "My husband was a little unhappy because I made such a quick decision, and he said I should carefully consider the charity before writing a check." Well, yes. Because you gave $10M to something with the cultural significance of Shake Shack. Also, I—like so many other young, hardworking Murray Hill* residents—want to one day grow up to be a hedge-fund wife. Someone help me do this. [Page Six] *I do not actually live in Murray Hill.
  
  
• Ruth Madoff didn't know about Bernie's affair until the NYDN reported it, reports the NYDN. She went to prison to visit him and he still denied it. This is sad. [NYDN]
  
  
• Apparently, Michael Jackson's kids are doing well in their grandmother's care. As long as she keeps Joe Jackson away, they'll continue to do so. [NYDN]

And to celebrate the first nice piece of Michael Jackson news in months, 'bout we start this day off with a little jam, no? Happy Sunday!

And it's a bun! That's right. Padma Lakshmi, the gorgeous, allluring, beautiful, exotic, wonderful, slow-talking, beautiful, gorgeous host of Top Chef is with child. No one is saying who the father is, as of yet, and Padma is keeping a low profile, since her battle with endometriosis means its a high-risk pregnancy. We wonder if the cheftestants will have to cook extra in those Quickfire Challenges if she's eating for two.

In other good news, three of the channel's other reality stars—Real Housewives of New York's Bethenny Frankel, Top Chef's Fabio Viviani, and Project Runway's Christian Siriano—have been given shows of their own. Well, it appears that Bravo got custody of it's little gay stepchild during the divorce with Runway! Siriano will have a show about setting up his own business as a designer. This is going to be a must-watch, catch phrase-spewing machine.

Viviani will also have a show about his business, as he tries to take over California with his charm and accent. Frankel will just be saying bitchy things to the camera and getting in fights with Kelly Bensimon for an hour each week. We wish. Actually, we're going to have to watch her cook and try to make sweet, sweet love to the men of New York. I spotted her at a party the other night on the arm of a very handsome gentleman, indeed, so at least there will be some eye candy. Anyway, now that Bravo is spawning its own stars and giving them their own shows, just how long before it folds in on itself in a black hole of meta? Not sure, but I'll probably be watching when it happens.

[Image via Getty]

Last night we got a treat almost as good as Padma Lakshmi naked and covered in honey: a super-sized episode of Top Chef: Las Vegas. Apparently the show need an extra 15 minutes to give a sloppy, honey-covered kiss to the Air Force, who got more attention and positive mentions than the Glad Family of Products. The chef's even got into the action talking about how much they loved the military and how all of their families have fought for our freedom. They all fell short of donning jumpsuits and and cooking under a "Kitchen Accomplished" banner, but still, it was very motivating. I marched down to Times Square at 11:16 p.m. and enlisted.

But first, there was the quick fire, where everyone had to cook with potatoes. Is that because when people in army cartoons have a shitty job in they have to peel potatoes or because the guest judge was Mark Peel? After a quick bout of lesbian-on-lesbian drama (a rarely known strain that is quite vicious and deadly, like swine flu) we saw a whole bunch of dishes, including two threeways. I never thought that I would tire of threeways, but after all these years watching Top Chef they seem to have lost their flavor. What ever happened to good, old-fashioned, missionary-position one way? It's called monogamy, people. If it's good enough for the bedroom, it's good enough for the kitchen.

Anyway, Jen (who the live bloggers call Sa-beech, because she always mispronounces "ceviche" as "cevich" and, well, she's a bit of a bitch) won.

Because she won, she was named Grand Moff of the Top Chef kitchen and had to order around the two-man platoons to cook a meal for a 300 Air Force fliers. Oorah! Oh wait, that's the Marines. They had to do this all using the equipment and supplies in a normal Air Force mess. In the realm of Top Chef challenge, this seemed to be only a minor inconvenience as opposed to a total disaster—like only being able to use blenders and the only protein you can serve is the carcasses of geese that have been sucked into and expelled from jet engines.

We find it odd that Ashley got all uppity about having to cook for a bachelor/bachelorette party last week because she's a lesbian and can't get married, but then she was all jazzed about cooking for the Air Force. Hey Ashley, I just found out the gays aren't allowed in the military either! When I got to Times Square at 11:16 p.m. they told me to march my faggoty ass home. And there's a war on. The nerve.

Jen wasn't a very benevolent Grand Moff (but when are they ever) but she kept things running smoothly. This episode unintentionally turned into a great advertisement for the military, not because everyone was saying how great they were, but because it showed how well a top-down organization can run. Sa-beech controlled all the teams and supervised and told them where they needed to be when and each unit functioned independently, but for the greater good of the whole mission. Brilliant. Send Sa-beech to Afghanistan and she will come back with Osama bin Laden's balls, which she will then sauté in duck fat and serve the meal of the righteous.

So the military buffet turned out nicely. There was some chowder and pork belly and pork and chili and pasta salad and bread pudding that looked just like Padma covered in honey and waiting on a sinfully sticky bed. Yum.

When we go back to Tom and Padma's spiderhole, we learn that their favorites were Kevin and Eli's pork and pasta potato salad and Michael V. and Michael I.'s pork belly lettuce wrap. The judges give ample praise and the Glad Family of Products Gold Medal of Valor to Michael V. His brother sits jealously by, figuring how he can have his sibling killed so that Tom Hanks will show up and bring him home. It will be called Saving Chef Brian, and it will win Oscars.

Of course, the best part of any military excursion is the crushing defeat. Michael I.—who we call Jersey Guido, because, duh—was called back for his crappy shrimp salad. He's on the top and the bottom at the same time. He is the first versatile man in the history of Top Chef. Also on the bottom are Preeti and Laurine, who made pasta salad. One of the rules of this show is that you are never going to win making a dish your mother can master. That's why threeways do so well. No one can imagine their mother making a threeway.

Now, if Sa-beech was a Grand Moff, then the Judges were Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine, Jabba the Hutt, and Princess Leia in a gold bikini and dripping with honey. They were unrelentingly mean. They made Simon Cowell look like a first year infantryman who was just learning to get over his naivety. It was totally awesome. They tried to get Pretti and Laurine to turn on each other, but like good foxhole mates, they stood strong against adversity. But alas, poor Preeti was KIA and sent home in a box. We think mostly it's because she said she became a chef because of 9/11. Just for that, she deserves to be shot.

Fashion's Night Out is on Thursday, September 10 — Anna mentioned it on the Late Show — and it is an evening to fight one of the great ills of society: people not buying enough clothes! Yes, go out and buy things or else fashion will die and we will have to dress in sack cloth and Ed Hardy T's for the rest of our lives!

The FNO website describes:

In a global initiative to promote retail, restore consumer confidence, and celebrate fashion, U.S. and international editions of Vogue are coordinating evening extravaganzas in their respective world fashion capitals.

Even though they're trying to sell it like one (and even asking for volunteers) it is not a charity. That's right, it's bunch of store parties across the five boroughs. In Manhattan just about every fashion emporium is participating from Balenciaga to Banana Republic and Narcisco Rodriguez to Nine West. If you live in the Bronx, you're stuck with only Macy's and Lane Bryant. Sorry.

What exactly will be going on? Some highlights:

• The Misshapes will be spinning at Versace.
• Tom Ford is having a cocktail party (Tom Ford not included)
• Our Hero Grace Coddington will be "telling a visual story" in the SoHo Prada store.
• Cindy Crawford will appear at the much maligned JCPenney in Herald Square.
• Oscar de la Renta will be singing at the Carlyle Hotel. Vogue editor Hamish Bowles will be singing at Juicy Couture. How that is helping humankind, we have no idea.
• Carolina Herrera herself throws a party for photog Larry Fink at her boutique.
• Anna Wintour told Letterman that she'll be at Macy's in Queens, but she didn't say which one. We are determined to track her down and get a photo.
• Bergdorf Goodman seems to be the most fun of all, with windows by Zac Posen, a celebrity designer cook-off judged by Padma Lakshmi, the Olsen twins tending bar, and André Leon Talley hosting some sort of game show.

The plan seems to be to spend a lot of money getting people in the stores to spend a lot of money. The one thing we haven't heard anything about is discounts. Just because Catherine Malandrino is converting her Meatpacking showplace into a French cafe for the evening doesn't mean that suddenly more people will be able to afford one of her cocktail dresses. Also, none of the money made will go to charity, it will go right into the pockets of retailers, where it belongs. Most participating locations will have stations for visitor's to donate used clothes for charity, but it seems a bit like bringing a canned good to get access to an open bar.

So, just why is Anna doing this? Of course if all the brands go out of business, so will Vogue. But times of crisis are also the best times to consolidate power. Who knows if this one-night shopping event will save New York's fashion industry (it won't) but it already has people talking about Anna as if she's the one and only person who can save the fashion world from crumbling. Also, Condé Nast is sure to give her another 5-year contract (and, we hear that the deal is already done). Well played, Anna. Well played.

Mad Men
Returns August 16 [AMC]
Yes, that means you only have six days to watch the DVDs of the first two seasons of the show that you've been telling everyone you already watch, even though you don't. You better get hip with Don Draper or else everyone is going to laugh at you.

Top Chef
Returns August 19 [Bravo]
Well, if Bravo can't have a whole show with hot skinny models in crazy dresses, at least they can have Padma Lakshmi when she returns with her cavalcade of chefs who will call each other names and cook up a bunch of shit that would taste better than the mac 'n' cheese from a box you eat while watching.

Project Runway
Returns August 20 [Lifetime]
With the switch in networks, this show is now officially for women (and gay men). The premiere kicks off with an all-star edition and then there is a show about the models directly afterward. After that, probably Golden Girls reruns or some shit.

Melrose Place
Starts September 8 [CW]
Just in time to make us feel old, the '90s are back—and so are Jo, Michael, Jane, and Syndey! Ashlee Simpson is sure to blow this place up. Literally! She'll probably be planting a bomb in the first episode. Oh Melrose, we missed you.

America's Next Top Model
Returns September 9 [CW]
Though Tyra insists on calling it a "cycle" she's back with a whole new batch of bitches. Even if you ignore the rest of the season, tune in for the premiere, just to see what sort of drag queen madness Tyraparades around in. It always looks like the world's biggest budget public access show.

Glee
Starts September 9 [Fox]
You saw the pilot way back in May and there are already new musical numbers. It's like this high-school-musical-theater-nerd dramedy has been here all along. This is either the next Cop Rock or the next My So-Called Life, so catch the early episodes.

Vampire Diaries
Starts September 10 [CW]
Ok, you have have to watch this because vampires are so hot right now and if you don't, 14 year-old girls will mock you. This is the CW show about teenagers who stay up all night because they're undead, not because they're coked up at Butter.

Gossip Girl
Returns September 14 [CW]
You'd think that now that everyone made it to college they'd change. But watch the new promo. Blair gets bitchy, Chuck gets laid, Serena gets naked, Dan gets clueless, Vanessa gets ignored. Some things never change.

The Office
Returns September 17 [NBC]
What's up with Jim and Pam? We gave up. We'd much rather just watch Steve Carell make an ass of himself.

30 Rock
Returns October 15 [NBC]
NBC is so mean! Why is they going to make us wait until October for new episodes? We would boycott if we could survive without Tina Fey and her tiny little glasses. You will not laugh at anything on television until then. Sorry.

Lost
Early 2010 [ABC]
What, they can't set a date? Does everything with this show have to be a fucking mystery?

1. Padma and the Hendersons
Padma has reinvented herself from foodie to zombie in the past year. Her natural next step is a Harry & the Hendersons-esque comedy about a regular Midwestern family who adopts the Padma zombie. At first the Hendersons want to keep zombie Padma a secret but eventually the public finds out and embraces her. Through the course of the show Padma zombie discovers how to balance a high-profile life full of exhibition, scientific studies, and her human family.

2. Put the Love in the Basket
Anxious for a new roomie, Buffalo Bill (the wang-tucking serial killer from Silence of the Lambs) puts an ad on Craigslist. The ad says that all applicants must be female and a size 14. When slender, quirky, vegetarian chef named Grace, played by Padma, shows up on his doorstep Bill is skeptical. But her love of sewing and small dogs charms Bill into letting her stay. The two learn about love, health, and knife work in this apartment based comedy.

3. Fools Rushdie In
Any kind of a reality show in the style of Newlyweds or the Osbournes. She and Salman get back together!

4. Scrubbing the Grey House
Padma would star in a medical drama that would be based on a mash up on the other successful medical dramas out. Under the cruel tutelage of a sadistic but brilliant surgeon (played by Anthony Bourdain) Padma would learn that fate is indifferent and you can only find meaning in the relationships around you. And in opiates.

5. Hamburger Paddy: The Burger Queen
Paddy, a successful super-model has it all — but she craves even more! Paddy wants a movie deal. But no matter how many acting classes she takes Paddy only gets cast in fast food commercials. How will Paddy over come her deficits as an unpalatable woman of negligible talent and outsized ambition? Will she be able to keep her weight down and her spirits up as the Hollywood drive through scene chews her up and spits her out? Stay Tuned!

Cityfile tells us (and Corcoran shows us) that Lakshmi gave the apartment, at 2nd and B, over to something called The Delicious Trust. Delicious probably means that it's hers because, you know, she's a foodie who likes high cuisine and all. It's a gorgeous place, with lovely views! Gaze and be jealous.

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At age 39, Top Chef host and model Padma Lakshmi has, one might assume, ample experience wearing dresses in front of cameras. She might know, for instance, that not wearing a bra whilst wearing a translucent dress might, under the bright flash of a camera, expose to the world her beautiful brustwarzen . Not that Ms. Lakshmi has a problem with exposure. (See here and here and here and here and here.) It's just that this particularly wonderful nipple vernissage, taken on the red carpet of an after party at the White House Correspondent's Dinner, is particularly unexpected because everyone else has at least tried to tone it down a leetle tiny beet. But not Padma. She's putting money in her idle hole. You exhibitionist, you!

Uncle Ben, Peter Parker's uncle, not the guy who makes rice, once said, "With great power comes great responsibility." Padma Lakshmi, please, for the love of God, take this to heart. I want and at the same time don't want to see your nipples. They derange me. Rearrange yourself. This is all to say, I can't wait for Top Chef, premiering in the fall (I think) or for the next formal event to which Ms. Lakshmi is invited [Note to Desiree Rodgers, Invite her to every single function, pls] where she'll show up in, hopefully/dreadfully, nothing but high spirits and a fully liveried four-in-hand.