You just knew this was coming, right? Sooner or later you just knew that the sweet and hopelessly ignorant kid from the Alaskan tundra who just wanted to float aimlessly through life hunting, fishing, playing hockey and banging chicks, would have his life destroyed by the sudden fame that came with having knocked up the daughter of the most ridiculous American public figure in the history of ridiculous American public figures. So very sad.

Renata Espinosa of The Daily Beast went shopping recently with Levi and his newly hired manager/bodyguard, an Anchorage-based lawyer, in Los Angeles, where they were "fielding pitches" for acting and reality show gigs or something.

Besides acting as Levi's handler, Tank is his personal Tim Gunn and Henry Higgins all in one, instructing him on the subtleties of wearing a fedora and reminding him to be open-minded about the different types of people he might encounter. Tank is the ultimate 21st-century version of an American father: multicultural and media-savvy.

Like the time Levi appeared on The Tyra Banks Show, with his mother and sister, and had to get his hair and makeup done, Tank had to remind Levi to relax.

"That was the worst," Levi tells me. "I had some dude singing to me, the whole time. He was real happy. Calling me ‘baby' and all that. I kept my mouth shut."

"I told him, you're going to meet all different types of people," interjects Tank. "Don't overreact. Nobody's going to hurt you. You gotta be accepting of all different types of people. You're talking about dealing with Hollywood? You're going to really meet some strange people."

To help Levi morph into the epic tool he needs to become if he has any hope of making it in Hollywood, Tank came up with the "Ricky Hollywood" idea.

Just so you're clear, when Levi Johnston is in L.A. with Tank and running around shopping with a reporter, trying on sequined jackets and pink fedoras and wearing bedazzled T-shirts that say "Go Girl" on them, that's not Levi you're seeing.

"What we did was, we came up with an alter ego, Ricky Hollywood," explains Tank. "Ricky Hollywood would iron his shirt." Levi looks at Tank and raises his eyebrows. "Yeah, right!" he says. "OK, well, I'd iron it. He doesn't know how to iron."

"We're not going to find my style out here," says Levi rather contentiously.

"Oh, yes, we will," says Tank. "We're going to find Ricky's style!"

No!!!! Just let Levi be Levi dammit and wear his jeans and t-shirts and baseball caps! He's been through enough—Leave him alone!

When asked by Espinosa about the Palin/Letterman controversy, Levi said that he didn't "think that David was trying to advocate any sexual misconduct of any nature."

You see—Levi actually gets it and is probably the only normal player in the whole Palin clown show. Leave him alone!

Shopping With Levi Johnston [Daily Beast]

They could just call it The Hillbillies of Wasilla. Or The Yukon. Or Governor 911.

To catch you up: The romance culminated late last night in a trailer-park interview of Levi conducted by a daring Associated Press reporter. Standing outside his home, Levi confirmed a report in Star yesterday that he and Bristol had called it quits "a while ago."

The Star story that got the ball rolling yesterday morning was a "world exclusive" interview with Johnston's trouble-making sister Mercede, who told the magazine—in exchange, perhaps, for some Oxycontin pills or whatever other painkillers are commonly used as chattel in Alaska?—that Bristol had cut Johnston out of their son Tripp's life. "She tells him he can't take the baby to our house because she doesn't want him around 'white trash'!" Mercede told the magazine. ("Yeah, we could name her 'Mercedes,' but I think 'Mercede' just sounds a little classier," one of Mercede's parents once said.) Mercede was the first to warn America of the brewing tension between the Palins and the Johnstons in January, when she posted on her MySpace page that Palin considers Johston to be "white trash" and he newest grandson half-white-trash. She likes to say "white trash."

In a nugget reserved for the print edition of Star, Mercede claims that Palin sent Johnston a text message reading thusly: "I hate you, and when I found out I was pregnant I wished the baby wasn't yours." Wouldn't it be fantastic if it weren't?

Red lights immediately started flashing in the offices of People, which dispatched a reporter to the Alaskan wilderness posthaste. By 5:40 p.m., the magazine had two anonymous sources confirming the report and rather snidely mentioning that "it's common knowledge" so it's not such a big deal, Star magazine.

What an epic waste it is that none of this was caught on camera, that our children will have no Bristol Palin confessionals to watch on DVD, that there won't be a cast reunion where Julie Chen makes us wait for the full hour before asking Bristol and Levi what really happened in the trailer that night when they ripped off their hot mics.

It is not too late, Palins and Johnstons. American Idol is sliding big time. We need new heroes.

#1 - The Tom Cruise Indoctrination Video Scientology Tried to Suppress

#2 - Dead Monster Washes Ashore in Montauk

#3 - Sarh Palin's Personal Emails

#4 - Top Ten Angry On-Camera Meltdowns

#5 - Jane Fonda to America: C U Next Tuesday

#6 - The Dangers of Being a Television News Reporter

#7 - Kristen: The Definitive Gallery

#8 - Secret Video: The Scientologists Celebrate the Birthday of the Prophet Tom Cruise

#9 - Church of Scientology Claims Copyright Infringement

#10 - Descriptions of Goatse, 2 Girls 1 Cup, and Other Gross-Outs That Hopefully You'll Never Watch

Beautiful photoshop by Richard Blakeley

Here's the cover photo, in which the Alaskan governor totes a gun, with the American flag in the background.

A customer review, which doubles as a look inside the brain-house of the red states:

If you are a fan of Sarah Palin, then you will LOVE this calendar. I ordered two of them (one for my mother, and one for me). They arrived today. There is really a nice variety of photos that show many aspects of her life. She is a remarkable woman and an inspiration to many.

[Amazon]

As one McCain advisor put it to me: “In the last six weeks there was a remarkable echo. You could listen to arguments made by folks inside of the campaign who were close to Bill Kristol and then open up the New York Times and read them in Kristol’s columns. It was ‘set Sarah free,’ coupled with an agenda designed to appeal to the religious right and the more raucous elements of the party. They got their way often enough, and we started noticing that at many of the Palin functions it was non-stop ‘Sarah, Sarah,’ while John McCain all but vanished. Were they trying to get McCain elected in 2008, or to help Palin on the way to the Republican nomination in 2012? You can’t get yourself into a situation in which anyone can credibly ask that question.”

Bill Kristol is a partisan hack without any redeeming original thoughts, so he just serves as a pipeline for whatever talking points his pet factions of the conservative movement want to get out that day. A good hire. [Daily Beast]

Where to start? Alaska, of course: "'We started by calling the governor's office in Alaska, and after that, we were transferred from one person to another. It took us about four days. We spoke to about a dozen people,' Audette told ABCNews."

Once they got her on the phone, they figured that the jig would be up soon enough:

"Audette said that most of the time, he is only able to use '30 to 40 percent of the material' he and Trudel have written for their crank calls before the person they are conning realizes the put on.

'But with Mrs. Palin we got lucky, because we used all the material we had written.'"

The real key can be found in the old adage "Fake it 'til you make it": "This will sound stupid, but mostly we just sound convincing."

We'll remember that when we call McCain post-election to ask if his refrigerator is running.

Joe the Plumber

Who?: Samuel Joseph Wurzelbacher, an Ohio plumber who was caught on film asking Obama the tough questions about his tax plan, and was mentioned 74976 times in the subsequent debate by John McCain, who tried to use Joe as a symbol of everyday Americans. Turned out to be not quite the all-American guy he seemed.

The Next Step: He's already signed with a publicist and a manager and is pursuing a book contract and a country music career. Both are bound to tank, because Joe fails to realize the fleeting nature of his fame. A better plan: become the best darned plumber that Toledo has ever seen. Your brand is already established! Now go forth and plumb.

William Ayers

Who?: Former member of the 60s far leftist group The Weathermen, now a professor of education and run-of-the-mill activist in Chicago. He is the "terrorist" that Obama "palled around with," according to credible source Sarah Palin.

The Next Step: Ayers has been keeping his mouth shut, doubtless at the request of the Obama campaign. He's probably just waiting for the election to end so he can go back to his normal liberal activism. Way to blow an opportunity, dude! You want to reform education? Why not start the Bill Ayers School Of Political Activism? Train peppy young liberal ideologues to infiltrate our nation's school boards. It worked for Christian fundamentalists!

Jeremiah Wright

Who?: Obama's pastor at Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago. He made some remarks about perhaps not being in love with white America for all it has done for African-Americans, and was made into a prime symbol of Obama's sympathy for the radical black agenda of hating white people! According to the McCain campaign. He initially tried to talk in his fiery way to rebut the smear campaign, but the Obama campaign managed to make him be quiet, like Ayers.

The Next Step: Open an Obama-themed gift shop and mail order business, just to "support the church." Slowly expand. Roll out your own line of hot sauce. Wake up one day four years from now and realize that you have become George Foreman. Later, sign commentator contract with Fox News. Slowly become friends with Pat Buchanan.

Bernard Kerik

Who?: Remember way back when Rudy Giuliani was considered a serious candidate? Ha, yes that was a while ago. Kerik was Giuliani's Police Commissioner in NYC during 9/11, and became a de facto "hero" just like his boss. Rudy had big plans for Kerik in his cabinet, until Bernie was indicted for fraud and conspiracy and then everybody realized he was basically just a big incompetent lug who hung out with gangsters and did nothing in his ill-fated position in Iraq and generally had nothing going for him except for the fact that he was friends with Rudy Giuliani, who turned out to be a loser.

The Next Step: Even hard-line Republicans and hapless corporate dupes have come to understand that Kerik has no political future, or good ideas about anything. He should go ahead and go to prison, make friends with mobsters on the inside, and come out as a full-fledged mafioso. That would be cool. One day they could make a movie about it.

Obama Girl

Who?: Pretty girl who made an insanely popular YouTube video about being a pretty girl who has a crush on Obama.

The Next Step: Cheerleader for the Washington Redskins. Playboy centerfold. Have a fling with a Congressman. Make friends with Julia Allison.

Bristol Palin

Who?: Sarah Palin's poor pregnant daughter.

The Next Step: Once your mom loses the election and you turn 18, move as far away from Alaska as you possibly can. Do not get married. Go to college and get a regular job, like a teacher. Try to live a normal life. Jesus, we feel sorry for you, Bristol.

First order of business in Wasilla: a good old-fashioned house party.

"There is a senior from Wasilla High that was going to drive me from the airport in Anchorage to my hotel, and then I am invited to an "official house party," as he put it... First night—-2:00AM... a house party in Wasilla thrown by frienemies of Bristol..."

Next item: boyfriends! "I'm interviewing Sarah P's old high school friends, one who might have been her "first" boyfriend."

Other dirt she's dug up so far: no one in Wasilla will be dressing up as Sarah Palin for Halloween. "It would be like dressing like your next door neighbor," a Wasilla High School sophomore named Kayla told her.

Question is, will any magazines have "PALIN FEVER" after the election?

Yes, that's Todd Palin and, yes, the sign someone is holding in front of him says, "Charles Manson was a Community Organizer."

[Obama photo via Cynical-C; Coleman photo via Minnesota Independent]

[image via Current.com]

Boomp3.com

Hunky indie film star Peter Dinklage approached the Jedi master of Sarah Palin impressions, Tina Fey for a few helpful tips on how to nail down Palin’s legendary wink. Fey said that there was nothing special about the wink, other than simply winking. Fey demonstrated her wink, which floored Dinklage. After watching Fey wink a few times, Dinklage developed enough courage to perform his own Palin wink. Fey winced slightly as Dinklage’s eyelid shut tightly and quickly reopened. Dinklage asked for some feedback and Fey said that he was going to need a lot of practice.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Noonan, remember, was caught on a live mic talking about how the selection of Sarah Palin as VP was "bullshit." A fact that was referenced repeatedly by Ken Auletta! So what did Noonan spend the bulk of her time on the panel (subject: "Covering the Candidates") doing? Defending Sarah Palin.

It was far too early to take notes, but I'll sum up Peggy's arguments: "Sarah Palin, fresh, new, American, real, six-pack, women, sexism?, the American people." The experience was strange because every single person sitting in the room—the panelists, the moderator, the audience, the security guards—was well aware how dumb Sarah Palin is. But there was Peggy, gamely searching for some all-American Reaganesque prose to elevate Palin into something legitimate. The panel was about the media, so the bold political hackery was jarring and out of place, like when those crazy Christians wave signs at the funerals of dead soldiers saying God killed them because of fags. There's a time and a place for your brand of lying, Peggy. It's on the weekend talk shows, after you sign on as a speechwriter for the sure-to-be successful Palin administration. There are lots of political hacks writing columns; but Noonan always wants to pop up as some sort of spokeswoman for Middle America, in the most patronizing way possible to actual Middle Americans.

You failed at the New Yorker Festival, Peggy Noonan.

The contrast between Noonan and the other panelists was what made the entire ordeal grimace-worthy. Bill Keller has more political pressure on him than almost anyone in the entire media. But when Ken Auletta asked him how it affected him when the McCain campaign charged the Times with being in the tank for Obama, Keller said (approximately): "It makes me want to find the toughest, hardest story about McCain we have and put it on the front page the next day."

That's called honesty, Peggy Noonan. Retire with your trademark false grace. [Pic via Startraks]

The backstory: our downtown scene tipster, Molly Friedman, reported that the scruffy Republican had made comments asserting how "hot" he found Sarah Palin's teenage daughters. Gallo responded with a long screed denouncing Friedman as an "ugly cunt whore," which is wholly inaccurate. He also mentioned that a New York Magazine reporter had recorded the interview, and that he would gladly shove said microphone up our ass. Well, New York played the tape on their website and it looks like Gallo said nothing untoward during the time he was being recorded. But you're still going to hell for calling Hillary Clinton a "pig" during that same recording, Vince! [Intel]

A delightful excerpt:

"The eavesdropping cunt Molly Friedman and her ugly, primitive mind invented her own view of my conversation. I was polite, casual, and spoke about how nice the Palin family unit was. I said the youngest daughter was so cute holding her baby brother. I was not and would never suggest I was sexually attracted to the Palin family daughters and I resent the whore Molly Friedman and Gawker for creating that spin. Let me remind the Gawker creeps that sex with minors is illegal and suggesting in any way that I am open for that is against the law, ugly, useless, rude, and small minded. The girl from New York Magazine has a tape of the entire conversation and I will shove it up Gawker's ass if they do not retract Molly's dishonest and ugly inventions. Fuck Gawker, fuck that ugly cunt Molly Friedman, and fuck all who have chimed in with their judgments, hate, resentments, and jealousy. I suggest you all read books, stay off the net, put down the chips and dips, and get in touch with what has made you so unhappy. For the record Molly, I will make you wish you were never born, you fucking cunt.

Regards,
Vincent Gallo

He also tattled to New York, this time incorporating the word "slut."

Oh, honey (and yes, we do know that it's him.) We loved you in Buffalo 66—now look what you've gone and done. We look forward to that tape recorder from New York Magazine being "shove[d] up [our] ass."