• Stephanie Pratt was busted for a DUI. I woke up late again. Are you surprised on either account? [TMZ]
  
  
• Roman Polanski got removed from Swiss jail for an unknown medical condition (it's probably "I Wanna Get The Fuck Out Of Dodge-itis"). I know this is where I'm supposed to be like I HOPE THEY PUT A SCALPEL UP HIS ASS but (A) honestly I'll save that for the mob rule and (B) they'd probably use a tiny corkscrew instead. Get it? [NYDN]
  
  
• Two books are being written about Mickey Rourke, and both of them detail how he's completely obsessed with the mafia and being a mafia groupie. Apparently, he was hanging out with John Gotti in 1996 when Gotti was arrested, but, uh, wait. There are two separate books being written about Mickey Rourke? The fact that two separate publishers gave the go-ahead for two separate books about Rourke is kind of incredible. Someone should write a book about that. [NYP]
  
  
• OH MY GODDDDD Rush and Molloy, the Boris and Natasha-esque gossip team who front the New York Daily News' Sunday gossip page, have yet again set their moose and squirrel sights on the most boring possible scoop: Michael Jackson's shady doctor of death, Conrad Murray, is looking for a book deal. (A) No shit and (B) who cares? More about the "tragic" ending of The Hills, plz. [NYDN]
  
  
• Lindsay Lohan can't tell the difference between a cake shaped like a giant perfume bottle and a giant perfume bottle. I would try to explain how we came to this breaking news, but the anecdote's so patently ridiculous I can actually feel the weight of my cranium lighten having just toasted a few brain cells by reading it. To think, I could've used those on glue. [Page Six]
  
  
• Again, Daily News, really, you guys are lacking in the gossip department on the weekends. Ben Widdicombe, where you at, son? I'm only here two days a week. [Oh, that's right, he quit like, last April or something, but I wouldn't know that because who gives a shit about the NYDN gossip pages any more when Boris and Natasha are your big show?] Anyway: "Michael Jackson's children thrive in more normal childhood after life with King of Pop dad." You're joking, right? This is a headline? They could live in the New Museum and they'd have a more normal life than they did with Dad. Jesus.[NYDN]
  
  
• Penn Badgley has ten secrets the Daily News has "uncovered." He didn't graduate high school, he likes tequila, he forgets the words to the National Anthem, America's Best Dance Crew is his guilty pleasure, and he hates L.A. No, I'm serious, there're five more where that came from, and I'm not clicking over to read them. Thank you, New York Daily News, for basically describing most of America, including me. Unless the next five are "he enjoys huffing paint, molesting animals who're just a few inches too big for the petting zoo, can shove an entire Slinky up his ass, will beat me in backgammon, and plays the vacuum a la Jon Fishman," I could really care less. [NYDN]
  
  
• This is awesome: Shia LaDouche didn't show up for the New York, I Love You premiere and it's being blamed on mean old cokeface Oliver Stone not letting him out to go to the premiere while shooting Wall Street 2. They then note that Scarlett Johansson didn't go, either, because her segment was cut out of the film. Whoops! But you know who those suckers missed? the Post goes on to ask. No guys, please, tell us. Let's make them jealous: "They missed Cloris Leachman, director Mira Nair (who's helming the upcoming "Amelia"), Rocco DiSpirito, Peter Facinelli and porn star Savanna Samson." BAHHHHHAHAHA [Page Six]
  
  
• Woody Allen is now shamelessly casting the world's hottest women and doesn't give a fuuuhhhck what you think about it. Not only is he putting them in movies, but he got Penelope an Oscar, suckers, and he did it in Spain by putting her in a suggested threesome with ScarJo and Javy Bardy. Beat that. Now he wants to make a movie starring Andriana Lima in Rio. Okay, the last few we understand, but just because Adriana Lima's been on an episode of How I Met Your Mother and one of Ugly Betty does not mean you should put her at the front of your new movie, Woody (and yes, truly: Woody). To balance out her skill you're going to have to cast F. Murray Abraham as her love interest, or something. Which I'd pay $10 to see. [Page Six]
  
  
• This Page Six item begins: "Now that "The Hills" is coming to a tragic end, its stars are busy promoting themselves to find new gigs." What the shit? A "tragic end"? Is this like the end of Dead at 21 where they all just fizzle out or get killed by the shadow (Reptilian, obvi) government? What the hell have I been missing on that show? Seriously. [Page Six]
  
  
• Bloomberg is Turning Japanese! BAM BAM BAM BAM BAM, BAM BAM BAM, BAM! EEEEE! [Page Six]
  
  
• New Yorkers, this one's for you: Vincent Kartheiser and one of the other guys from Mad Men—I don't know who it was, I don't watch that show, because nothing ever happens on it—were seen eating at DBGB, which just scored (a low) two stars from the new New York Times dining critic Sam Sifton, who we need to kidnap in the middle of the night with Adam Platt and Jay "Six Shooter" Cheshes and Ryan Sutton and get him really shitfaced at the Cherry Tavern and make him eat everything off the value menu at McDonalds at the end of the night. Hazing! It happens! The dude's too soft, let's toughen that pussy up! Anyway, the only other important thing you need to know about this item is that Vincent Kartheiser was in the massively underrated Larry Clark movie, Another Day In Paradise, which also starred James Woods saying "fuck" or some kind of variant of it every three seconds and Melanie Griffith being punched in the face by James Woods (this is the most epic moment in the film). I kid you not. Watch it, now. [Page Six]
  
  
• A little girl helped Pamela Anderson carry around the train of her dress at a party because she had asked Anderson if she could, and a bunch of downer assholes like me are being all like, ohhhh, what a biiiiitch, I can't believe she's promoting child labor, Godddddd. But that's a dumb joke and honestly it's really cute that Anderson would let a kid do this. See! We're not all bad! The funny thing is that Tommy Lee's now going to try to get someone to hold up his three foot dong for him whenever he pisses and hopefully it won't be a kid. Seriously, though, you can get some great intern candidates for that kind of thing coming out of the ACC schools. [Page Six]

And oh, what the hell? Good morning, everyone! This day's going to be wonderful. Please sing along:

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin]

• Pamela Anderson should be investigated for breaking child labor laws after having a 9-year old girl hold her dress train and sit at her feet at this week's Hollywood Style Awards. Or that's what a Child Labor Coalition spokesman thinks: "I would want to speak to the child to ask her if it is something she willingly did. Nine is very young, and an awards ceremony is a long time for a child to be out holding a dress." This could be bigger than the Triangle Factory Fire. [Page Six]
  
  
• Do people really have to ask why Rush Limbaugh's still a member of the infamously racist Everglades Club in Palm Beach? [Page Six]
  
  
• Oh no! Katy Perry better watch out: Russell Brand's ex-girlfriend says he's incapable of monogamy. Their breakup would be the death of love forever. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin has been ordered to return $180,000 he took from a joint account he and wife Kate share. So now maybe that money can go toward, you know, his gaggle of children. [Star]
  
  
• Jeffrey Tambor, who plays the Bluth family patriarch on Arrested Development, recently gave birth to a pair of twin boys. Well, his wife Kasia did the actual birthing, but let's not parse here, okay? [People]
  
  
• Christie Brinkley and ex-husband Peter Cook have finally signed their divorce settlement. Does this mean their tabloid war will die down? Doubtful: Cook's lawyers yesterday described Brinkley as a "bitter, vindictive, angry woman," while Brinkley reminded us all that Cook's been called an "extreme narcissist." [NYDN]
  
  
• Paris Hilton adopted a ridiculous pet — a pig — and animal activists are mad as hell. This all seems so familiar. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Very important news: Peaches Geldof is now blonde again. All those hunger strikes paid off. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Swoon: Jordan Catalano himself, Jared Leto, has joined the fight for gay marriage. [E!]
  
  
• Ashton Kutcher once told then-girlfriend January Jones that she wouldn't be good at acting. And now she's proving him wrong on Mad Men. Well, she's famous because of Mad Men. Whether she's a good actress remains open to debate. [NYDN]

• Pamela Anderson bought a new house last year and wanted to give it some necessary renovations, like gold tiles. Sadly, she doesn't even have enough money to make the house inhabitable and has been forced to live in a one-bedroom trailer with her two sons. [Metro]
  
  
• None of the cast from Real Housewives of New York like Bethenny Frankel, which is fine, because she doesn't like them and Bravo needs to make sure she can stand alone for her own show. [NYDN]
  
  
• There's tons and tons of security on the India set for Julia Roberts' new movie because people love her. Well, not all people: some are pissed off the shooting has taken over a local temple. Don't they know that Hollywood is God? [MSNBC]
  
  
• CNN bigwigs are wondering what to do if Larry King retires when his contract expires in 18 months. Some want Ryan Seacrest, for some reason, but he's too damn expensive. [Page Six]
  
  
• Has Jude Law banned the media from asking him about his new bastard child? [Page Six]
  
  
• Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom, who have been together for a month, are now officially married. Bleck. And it's the gays who threaten the institution of marriage? [TMZ]
  
  
• A jewelry company offered Vivica A. Fox a $50,000 necklace, but Fox refused by saying she'll buy it with her next pay check. That woman always had one foot out of reality.... [Page Six]
  
  
• Kate Moss wants to be a rock star. [The Sun]
  
  
• The band The Get Up Kids, who were huge in the 90s, have taken credit for emo music and offered an apology for spawning a wave of endless shit, like Fall Out Boy. Hey, that's an admission of guilt — can we sue for all the emotional distress? [Guardian]
  
  
• Jeremy London, an actor who once seemed like a big, big star, but was really just a frivolous 90s celebrity, owes American Express $20,000. [TMZ]

• Gwyneth Paltrow's cup runneth over during a security check in Barcelona. Translation: he tits were popping out like something awful. [The Sun]
  
  
• Sorry, world, but Megan Fox insists she'll never have a sex tape. Not one that you'll see, at least, which we find kind of surprising. [Us]
  
  
• An Italian reporter stripped down and begged George Clooney for a kiss. He was rebuffed. [E!]
  
  
• It will please you all to know that Jennifer Aniston still believes in love. Whether the elusive emotion still believes in her remains to be seen. [NYDN]
  
  
• Janet Jackson will offer a tribute to her late brother at MTV's VMA awards. Sources say she's not only looking to honor Michael's memory, but also to make the world forget her Superbowl nip slip. [MSNBC]
  
  
• You know how conservatives are always crying, "Think of the children?" Well that's exactly what CNN Airport network did when they banned a PeTA advert in which Pamela Anderson strips passengers of their cruel, animal haberdashery. Said the network to PeTA, "[we're] particularly sensitive because children make up part of the demographic in airports." [Page Six]
  
  
• Shawne Merriman's ex-girlfriend joined his side in the Tila Tequila domestic violence battle. The woman, Gloria Velez, insists Merriman never laid a hand on her. [TMZ]
  
  
• Chris Robinson, the Black Crowes singer best known for once marrying Kate Hudson, has impregnated another, far less famous woman. [Star]
  place? [Page Six]
  
  
• Kate Hudson's wearing a diamond ring, which has some people wondering if she'll marry A-Rod, but we think it will never happen, because, you know, it just won't. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Ali Wise, the Dolce and Gabbana flack accused of hacking into interior designer Nina Freudenberger's voicemail, has the strong support of her former boyfriend, hotelist Jason Pomeranc. He calls her a "great girl" and insists the alleged crime was nothing but "playful." Aren't ex-boyfriends the best?! [Page Six]
  
  
• Bet.com's former executive editor, Andreas Hale has loads to say about his former employers, and is currently taking on "the unprofessionalism, the tomfoolery, the favors, the misappropriation of resources, the bad ideas that reinforce negative stereotypes" that run rampant across the site's team. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kourtney Kardashian and her baby-daddy are getting along swimmingly and even finding time to dine with Kevin Federline. Can you believe we just wrote that without puking all over the place? [Page Six]
  
  
• Aww! Sexually ambigious singer Mika invited all of his Twitter friends to a bar to get trashed and then he paid the £25,000 tab. [The Sun]

• Nicholas Cage is being chased by authorities for over $6-million in back taxes they say that he owes. This would seemingly explain why he's been selling off so many of his real estate holdings over the past year or so. Now seriously, how does a guy making at least $12-million per film get into this sort of situation? [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Oh dear. Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson appear to be making another run at it, which is probably good for humanity as it'll restrict the various strains of social disease carried within their loins from mutating into the general population. But still, enough already. [Sun]
  
  
• Rumors are swirling that there might be a Sopranos movie in the works. Lorraine Bracco hinted that the cast is just waiting for the right script, while Stevie Van Zandt said that his character is definitely still alive. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• George Clooney took his new "lapdance model" girlfriend out for a motorbike ride in the Italian countryside with Rande Gerber and Cindy Crawford. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Director Guy Ritchie is sort of turning his new Sherlock Holmes movie starring Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law into a gay film. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jude Law supposedly met the mother of his new child on the street after a club they were both partying at closed for the night at 4am. He then took her to a diner and after they went back to his hotel room. How incredibly romantic! [Sun]
  
  
• Dina and Michael Lohan actually hung out together at a benefit over the weekend without killing each other. No sign of Jon Gosselin, unfortunately. [Page Six]
  
  
• Britney Spears is showing off a new look—platinum blonde hair! It's just nasty, but then again, so much better than the bald look she formerly sported. [Mirror]
  
  
• Sonia Sotomayor was spotted "out east" over the weekend shopping for fried chicken, naturally. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jack Nicholson is still out there doing his thing, partying it up with women young enough to be his granddaughter in exotic locales. The picture of him here dancing with the girl doing the limbo or whatever made me laugh out loud. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Mischa Barton had a "disastrous" dinner with friends in West Village the other night, where witnesses said she was chain-smoking and rambling on and on about a stalker. [Page Six]
  
  
• Here are photos of Jennifer Lopez's ample booty in a skimpy red bikini. [Daily Mail]

Need more examples? Here are commercials from MSN, Yahoo, and Ask.com. (I found them using Google and YouTube, a Google-owned video-hosting site.) Do any of them articulate a reason to switch search engines?

• Kate Moss and her boyfriend may be welcoming a child into their continuous boxing match/family.
• Mariah Carey may also be pregnant. She was clutching an apparent sonogram as she exited the office of the OB/GYN to the stars. [P6]
• Vanity Fair assembled an epic photo shoot to commemorate the Four Seasons restaurant's 50th anniversary, but there's no way editor and Waverly Inn proprietor Graydon Carter was going to show up for that picture. He had a terrible case of the flu, you see. [P6]

• Robert De Niro cried when Barack Obama won the election, and it took him until now to admit it. Anybody wanna make a joke about that? Because De Niro will happily show you what change means to YOU. [Daily Star]
• David Bowie's family does not wait with commoners at the pediatric eye doctor. Ever. [P6]
• Britney Spears wants her dancers clean and sober. It'll be more fun to corrupt them that way! [E!]
• Poor Alex Rodriguez can't sell either of his homes. [Cindy Adams]
• Pamela Anderson made out with/terrified Stephen Dorff, passed out on David LaChapelle, went to four more parties and ended up with some other poor sap. [P6]

Titsy Pamela showed up wearing only underpants and a lewd look to either drum up support for something, herself, or because she got lost on the way to the Long John Silver's. So Basel's got that goin' for it? Pamela Anderson is not a good sign. Art Basel was, for a glorious few years, the primo art show—the only art show where serious art people could talk seriously about art, plus get drunk and eat fancy food with each other, giddy to be away from the crush of New York and feeling heady, warm Caribbean winds. It was a dream of an art fair, like Sundance—cold, brisk, exciting—used to be the jewel of indie cinema fests.

Now that's a ruined husk of what it once was, co-opted by all manner of brand sponsorship and smallish studio endeavors weakly masked as independents. Art Basel—whose sales, despite the Herald's relative optimism, are tanking this year—runs the risk of realizing the same fate, with the after hours festivities eclipsing the actual commerce of the event until there's no real big commerce going on at all anymore. Everyone's too drunk to talk shop!

And they're too busy gawping at our littlest Norfin, Mary-Kate Olsen, who had sparkly-lit dinners with her boyfriend and wandered the faux meth lab created by Justin Lowe. All the hipsters at the fair sidled up to her and everyone made nicey nicey and artsy artsy and the whole thing listed sideways like the Titanic and yet the string quartet played on.

[Photo via PopCrunch]

The buxom blonde and PETA mouthpiece has sent an angry letter to [Giorgio] Armani's best buddy Blanchett over the designer's use of fur in his clothing collections.

In the letter sent this week, the animal advocate wrote that while the Aussie actress was at Armani's shows and the launch of his new boutique in Milan, she was nearby in Lake Garda hosting a PETA benefit, which raised $50,000 for an upcoming campaign urging people to shun Armani until he makes good on his public promise to stop using fur.

"Cate, as you are such a huge part of Armani's publicity machine, would you please urge him to keep his promise and leave fur out of his future collections?" Anderson wrote.

The animal rights group claims that Armani's winter collection, going into stores now, includes fox and rabbit fur in some pieces.

Armani issued a statement saying he'd be happy to stop using any sort of fur besides rabbit (perhaps he's aware of a sudden surplus?); however, Blanchett has so far stayed mum. Still, we'd advise Pam to watch her back, as Blanchett can always call upon her I'm Not There-honed powers of impersonation to get close enough to the Baywatch star for revenge. Pam, next time you find yourself falling for a tattooed, douchebaggy rock and roller, check to see that he truly has a VD-ridden package just to be certain it's not Blanchett in disguise.

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Pamela Anderson at war with Cate Blanchett [News.Com.Au]

Part 1: How Pamela Anderson Ruined Sex
You may remember, especially you craven young men, that in 1998 Playboy posette and Baywatch star Pamela Anderson was filmed by her new husband, Mötley Crüe drummer Tommy Lee, while they did the nasty on some sort of houseboat. Her iconic status at the time, combined with the sheer amazement over Lee's substantial manhood, created what was really the first modern sex tape craze. Perpetuated by the newly discovered internet, the tape became an international phenomenon. It's not just that everyone heard of it, everyone saw it, too. Both Anderson and Lee still enjoy some strange mutation of fame, though they've long since separated and gotten back together and separated again and gotten back together again, etc. What this tape really did, aside from aid these two people, was ruin sex by finally and viscerally commodifying it. Sure there has always been pornography, but this was something different. Famous people who were not hardcore porn actors, but regular (albeit frequently nude on Pam's part) celebrities. Famous people, however (un)intentionally, caught while engaging in the most basic and carnal animal harmony. And now, without the nuisance of seeming like a hooker or a porn star who entered into the act with the intention of making money, one's lovemaking could at some point turn a profit. And the public was both more interested in and more perilously desensitized to the whole idea. Some fourth wall cracked and crumbled that day, opening a hole through which slithered a whole different dimension's worth neo-celebrities.

Part 2: How Paris Hilton Ruined Celebrity
Encouraged no doubt by the crazy zeitgest of the Anderson/Lee tape, budding socialite and headline-grabber Paris Hilton recorded her sex-making with famous dater-of-trashy-celebrities Rick Salomon. It was first leaked, in 2004, onto the internet by (public opinion seems to hold) Mr. Salomon and Hilton initially tried to block it from being released. But, you know, then she saw that it was popular and said 'fuck it' and agreed to its release and now makes money off of the tape, which was eventually titled One Night in Paris. And that, really, was that. Hilton was, yes, already sorta famous, but this sent her into an entirely new strata of celebrity. Suddenly she was the infamous darling of late night jokesters and burgeoning gossip bloggers. Her name was even co-opted by Mario Lavandeira, who assumed the identity Perez Hilton to start his odious gossip rag in 2005. And that's where the already-rickety wheels of the celebrity-industrial complex began to spin off and clatter down the mine shaft ahead of us. An entirely new set of rules about how famous people are made and what keeps people famous and Why We Care was beginning to form, all because Hilton seemed to be becoming one of the most famous people in America simply because she wore pink clothes and let some grody guy from Neptune, New Jersey fuck her with the nightvision on. She possessed no discernible talent other than the uncanny ability to make people, against their better judgment, pay attention. She rewrote the manual, and many other people would follow.

Part 3: How Kim Kardashian Ruined America
And then came Kim Kardashian, whose mother is married to athlete Bruce Jenner or something. She had a large butt and was dating Ray J, the little brother of former celebrity Brandy. She and Ray J boffed in like 2007, I think, and the tape was released. And oh my god. Kim was so freaking mad that she sued the company, Vivid Entertainment, that released the tape. Eventually she dropped the lawsuit and settled for a measly ol' five million dollars. And then. And then she became famous. She was on red carpets and people talked about her and she embarrassed herself on The View (just like a real celebrity!) and she got her own reality show and somehow helped make her even less interesting sisters sort-of-famous, too. Where Paris Hilton developed a coy relationship with magazine creations of this bleak new millennium like Us Weekly and InTouch, teasing things at them to keep everyone interested, Kardashian just barnstorms through things, ass-bellowing and demanding attention for the stupidest of events and occurrences, flaunting the fact that, to paraphrase Soup host and possible savior of pop culture Joel McHale, she is famous simply for having a big butt and a sex tape. So how does this large-caboosed blip on the radar get blamed for the ruination of these United States? Well, maybe she and her sex tape didn't necessarily ruin it themselves, but they do represent everything that is wrong and broken and bankrupt and ill of this "uh oh, everyone put your goggles on!" experiment. Kardashian's success proves that Hilton's new rules do, in fact, work in some inexplicable way. And, more importantly, the whole boondoggle suggests that many of us care (even if we're doing it ironically, we're still paying attention) as much, if not more, about the frivolous self-exploitation of a stranger's body as we do about fractious and dangerous political landscapes, about holes we've torn in the very fabric of the sky, about people dying from all imaginable kinds of neglect. Nah, we're too busy watching Access Hollywood scream at us that Kardashian cut her toe in a New York City hotel room (this was an actual top story) to pay attention to the fact that the rug, upon which they (and we) are fucking for the camera, is being pulled out from under our sweaty, writhing, desperate selves.

So let this Britney tape—the Holy of Holies, the culmination of all things—sing us sweet tidings of eternal rapture. Or damnation. Or whatever. I just can't watch any more promos for Dancing With the Sex Tape Stars.

I’ve been in Australia filming Big Brother, in which my housemates and I are confined and sealed off from the outside world, much like the chickens who are crammed inside barns for KFC. Fortunately, I won’t be stomped to death, have my legs broken or be scalded to death in a tank of hot water – yet, as PETA’s undercover videos have revealed, the chickens raised for KFC’s restaurants in Australia often suffer these abuses.

Following negotiations with PETA, KFC Canada has agreed to make landmark animal welfare reforms, including phasing in the purchase of 100 per cent of its chicken from suppliers that use controlled-atmosphere killing (CAK), which is the least cruel method of slaughter. KFC Canada has also agreed to implement stricter audits of suppliers, and it will offer a vegan faux-chicken menu item at most of its restaurants. Please use your position as head of KFC in Australia to stop the worst abuses that these birds suffer by asking David Novak, CEO of Yum! Brands, to make the improvements already agreed to by KFC Canada.

[The Superficial, PETA]

Most of the classics make it: Princess Leia in the gold bikini, Ursula Andress in the white bikini, Phoebe Cates in the about-to-be-removed bikini. There were some real surprises, too. Shirley MacLaine in John Goldfarb, Please Come Home? I had no idea! But the egregious omission was Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine, a fine film about a mad scientist who attempts to take over the planet using really, really hot robots.

And, also, Jane Fonda in On Golden Pond. Yes, it is a movie about dementia, but it's a movie about dementia with some nice bikini shots.

Any others missing?

(And is it just coincidence that Pam Anderson's birthday falls in National Bikini Month?)

As none other than Defamer first reported back in April of 2006, the newly single Simpson handled her pouty grief by shoving her cleavage in scented cinema revolutionary Brett Ratner's smelly face, to the dismay of rumored Ratner tossaway Lindsay Lohan. After a Simpson hanger-on called Lohan a "bitch," the then-closeted lesbian allegedly lunged towards their table, held back by the heroic hack himself. A year later, entrenched in John Mayer's predatory grip, Jessica was said to have declared war against her own sister Ashlee after Mayer got the two mixed up in old photos. The rivalry ended with Jessica stating to the press that she was "no longer the girl with potential," but a "blessed butterfly" instead. Triumph! And later that year, the NY Post claimed the amnesia-ridden Jessica became furious after hearing engaged Eva Longoria had dared to be "friendly and polite" to then-ex Mayer, and went on a name-calling rant through New York.

Our favorite tale, however, occurred right on the heels of her anti-PETA message tee bomb drop. Some gossips say the shirt had nothing to do with fuzzy wuzzies or pro-fur campaigns, but was meant as a message to Jesus fan and Tony Romo ex, Carrie Underwood. Underwood won the group's infamous Leno-monologue-staple Sexiest Vegetarian title back in 2005, and Simpson has supposedly been jealous of her whipped boyfriend's ex since day one of their ridiculous union. So in the end, Anderson should probably put the venom away and align with Simpson — they're both failed actresses whose only chance of maintaining "celebrity" is shoving their ample cleavage in the faces of hacks who'll give them their precious screen time.

[Photo credits: Getty]

• PAMELA ANDERSON CALLS JESSICA SIMPSON A BITCH AND A WHORE [The Sun]

As The Sun reports, the icing on Hef's 82nd birthday cake included walking into his suite at a Vegas hotel to find Anderson inside, wearing nothing but high heels. We're not sure such trousers-tightening surprises are the wisest stunts to pull now that Hef is reaching a certain age, but observers said no medics were called. As hotel owner George Maloof put it, "He was stunned and had the biggest smile I've ever seen." Which is all fine and dandy, but if the lap dance was so public that even the hotel owner was invited, shouldn't there be pictures of the uninhibited Pammy floating around by now? We'll be waiting.

[Photo Credit: Lillith E-zine]

• ANDERSON TO STAR IN E! REALITY SERIES [Var]
• PAMELA ANDERSON STRIPS OFF FOR HUGH HEFNER'S BIRTHDAY [The Sun]

Earlier: Demi Moore Is Into Bloodsuckers, Brazilian Waxes

Depsite her pending divorce petition, Pam seems to be waffling about whether Salomon will be included in her future.

In an updated entry on her website Monday, Anderson added the following note: "P.S. We're working things out..."

The predictive powers of Pam's blog are not to be underestimated: an entry penned two days prior to her marriage to Kid Rock reads "ugh, sooo BORED, looking to party this weekend!!!" while the entry immediately predating her Tommy Lee nuptials declare: "I fell backwards onto a concrete step yesterday. Head hurts. Vision...so blurry," so don't count Rick out yet.

• PAMELA ANDERSON FILES FOR DIVORCE THEN WAFFLES [Celebtv.com]
• Previously: Pamela Anderson Weds In Vegas Moments Before Being Sawed In Half [Defamer]

• At 'Baywatch' star Pamela Anderson and Paris Hilton-pornographer Rick Salomon's wedding, the bride wore something blue... a denim miniskirt. Nice. [Gatecrasher]
  
• P. Diddy has acknowledged that he is the father of another child, bringing his total to 6, which is pretty good for someone Wendy Williams thinks is a gay. [Splash News]
  
• Britney Spears smoked a cigarette while pumping gas. Lady is doomed. [TMZ]