The major drug companies have apparently milked the Swine Flu™ pandemic for all that they could, because the World Health Organization today declared that the "H1N1 virus has largely run its course." In a statement, the Director-General said the WHO's Emergency Committee decided on this during a conference call. Oh,…

Remember Swine Flu? It was this special food poisoning or something? It's back! Eight people have died of H1N1 since September in England. Experts don't expect another pandemic, but brush up on your H1N1-proof sexual positions just in case.

How are you feeling today? Feverish? A little bit under the weather? It's probably the flu, right? Or it's a new, antibiotic-resistant "superbug"! They've already appeared in three U.S. states. But don't fret! Follow our guide to stay healthy!

Everyone has stopped caring about the Swine Flu, except at still-publishing O.G. alt-weekly The Village Voice, where an intern was just diagnosed with it!

Swine flu has claimed its first life in America, a young child. Mexico has identified the first infected person there, a young child. For the billion healthy kids in the Western hemisphere: you're grounded.

Here we are two days into the Swine Flu Panic of '09, and dead bodies have yet to be stacked up like cordwood on the streets of American cities. Face it: this story is dumb.