The worst thing you can do is to PANIC. So if you are the sort of person prone to PANIC, do NOT read the following facts.

For months now, the world has been zapped periodically by mini financial panics, a sign that money people everywhere are extremely skittish. This morning, we have all the makings of a very bad day.

Zika, the mosquito-born virus that shrinks babies’ brains, continues to alarm scientists as they learn more about how it can be transmitted from person to person. Earlier this week, someone in Texas got the virus from sex, and today, a Brazilian government health institute reported that it discovered for the first…

It’s not even 1 p.m. yet, and the U.S. stock market has fallen more than 500 points today, capping a full week of sharp declines and general fear. Financial apocalypse TK??? We hope so—for the excitement! Assuming we don’t get laid off.

Today in “Things To Panic About Even Though You Don’t Really Know What They Are”: junk bonds. Ahhhhh!

A giant hole has opened up on a Wyoming ranch, the end is nigh.

As bond prices “flash caution signals about the broader economy,” Goldman Sachs warns of a “major move” in stock prices, and investor pessimism reaches a 15-year high, we are here to remind you: EVERYTHING IS FINE.

Mid-day FINANCIAL PANIC report: after dropping 1,000 points this morning, the Dow shot up 600 points, then down another 400 points, and then up again, and now it’s down less than 300 points on the day. Also diamonds are cheaper now, which is nice.

On Friday, the Dow Jones Industrial average fell more than 500 points, capping off the worst stock market week in years. Panic selling has taken hold of nearly every market in the world. As we digest today’s even worse massacre (?), consider: how much should you panic?

Stock markets in America and around the world are cratering again today, just like yesterday. Chinese slowdown, oil glut, commodities rout. Time to panic? Sure, maybe. http://gawker.com/ladies-and-gen…

The online ecophages known as Minions have already conquered the internet, much of Iraq and death itself. Now, it seems, they are finally coming for the rest of the world, starting with Ireland.

When the people who invest billions of dollars for a living get nervous, they tend to start stockpiling cash, anticipating a market collapse. And they are feeling very nervous now!

Have you noticed anything odd going on this morning? Oh yes. Let us be the first to tell you that the time to panic is upon us.

Though Gawker.com is not technically in the business of sophisticated financial analysis of the global economy, we must report to you this morning that it may be time to panic.

One Nobel Prize-winning economist’s calculations say the stock market is dangerously overvalued, and various Wall Street pundits disagree, but all that really matters is how soon gutter alarmist media like us can convince America’s least informed moron investors to panic. Then the fun starts.

Today, Bloomberg cited two anonymous sources to report that the National Security Agency has been using "Heartbleed" to "gather critical intelligence" from protected internet traffic. The NSA is denying that report. Okay. But what is Heartbleed, exactly?