Maclaren, the stroller of choice for parents who insist upon spending too much money on a stroller, has just issued a recall notice for all of its "umbrella strollers." The easiest way to determine whether your Maclaren is one of the affected models is to count your child's remaining fingers.

All Maclaren strollers sold since 1999 are included in the recall, according to a source briefed on the recall.

The step comes after 12 kids allegedly had their fingertips amputated by Maclaren strollers.

Loss of fingertips could impact your child's ability to fill out the little bubbles on the SAT, and should therefore be taken seriously. Please send us pics of the panicked mobs of sexually marginalized Mr. Moms in the streets of Cobble Hill.

[Pic: Pardon Me For Asking]

Next headline: Selfish Obama Wants Your Kids to Die! Why, God, Why?!

[Story: White House Blog
Pic: Dance With Shadows]

A major focus of planning for the fall, officials say, is to avoid being swamped by a similar, possibly bigger, demand for emergency room services. Some hospital officials are advocating putting out daily swine flu bulletins - modeled after announcements on alternate-side parking or lottery numbers - about issues like when to seek treatment.

The future of New York City's health is in Pat Kiernan's able hands. Or maybe the hands of whoever's on at midnight, if the government decides to put you on a mandatory night shift at your job:

The city is considering, in a worst case, measures like canceling big gatherings and staggering work hours, said Dr. Isaac B. Weisfuse, the city's deputy health commissioner for disease control, who has been studying the flu pandemic of 1918.

You first, Dr. Isaac B. Weisfuse.
[NYT. Pic: Getty]

Boing Boing, the tech culture blog, went down today, and briefly thought it was under attack. BB blogger (and old Gawker Media hand) Joel Johnson tweeted that the site had been the victim of "cyberwar." The site had only hours earlier posted a "Cyberwar guide for Iran elections;" we asked Johnson via IM if he thought Iran was attacking Boing Boing:

Later, the real culprit emerged: It was Boing Boing's fault; the site had somehow posted every post ever to the front page, resulting in a 171MB index.html.

A similar drama unfurled yesterday on Andrew Sullivan's blog for The Atlantic. Sullivan, who has been blogging heavily about the situation in Iran, proclaimed he was under "digital attack," later clarified to be a denial of service attack. Then later, "it turns out our servers have just been overwhelmed... the tech staff has now ruled out a... attack."

(While Sullivan was under-credited for his tech problems, he was over-credited when Twitter reversed a decision to delay a planned outage, as Sullivan had urged. Though some observers said Sullivan was key to Twitter's reversal, it later emerged that the State Department liked played the crucial role in lobbying the microblogging service.)

If the Iranian regime does have the capacity to launch some sort of cyberattack, now may be the ideal time: There have been so many false alarms, it will take significantly longer to respond to the real thing.

"They do this about once a year," Google's nonchalant CEO said of the Microsoft search engine last week. It seemed like he protested too much, and no wonder: Brin is "rattled" by Bing and is personally leading a "team of search-engine specialists in an effort to determine how Bing's crucial search algorithm differs from" Google's, reports the New York Post.

Meanwhile, co-founder Page says he's been prodding his skeptical search team to become more competitive with Twitter (see video below). After layoffs and belt-tightening, it would seem Google is embracing a certain spirit of insecurity, at least at the top. The company should hope this filters down to its more entitled troops; canceling that Disneyland trip is looking like a step in the right direction.

The long-awaited pandemic decision is scientific confirmation that a new flu virus has emerged and is quickly circling the globe. It will trigger drugmakers to speed up production of a swine flu vaccine and prompt governments to devote more money toward efforts to contain the virus...
The last pandemic - the Hong Kong flu of 1968 - killed about 1 million people. Ordinary flu kills about 250,000 to 500,000 people each year.

The good thing is that this is really a formality, and everyone's known for weeks now that this flu met the definition of a pandemic. The bad thing is that all it will take is one mutation of this virus that makes it truly deadly to set the world on a path towards another million deaths. And since the media cried wolf so loudly when the flu first hit, and it turned out to be not that bad, now if it does get bad, you can expect a ton of people to ignore the warnings.

We blame the media, whatever the outcome! Drink some orange juice!
[AP, NYT. Pic: Getty]

The NYC Health Department did a survey, which found the scariest lead ever:

The city Health Department says that more than a half-million residents of the Big Apple may have contracted swine flu.

But fewer than a thousand cases have been "confirmed," because so far officials have only tested Conde Nast employees.

The half-million bodies littering New York's streets justify the swine flu panic, retroactively!
[NYP. Pic: NYM]

Daily Intel (queen of the Conde Nast Influenza beat) reports that the swine flu has migrated from the lungs of livestock all the way into the offices of Glamour—which are strategically located next to an elevator bank, which could send the pig virus cascading through virtually any Conde Nast magazine at 4 Times Square.

Flee! And send us reports from inside, thx.
[Daily Intel. Pic of the gateway to death, via]

The 4-foot yellow rat snake, which we will call "Serpent Fang" startled some kids in the apartment. Where it was just kind of sitting there. NYPD responded with overwhelming force:

Police trapped it with a broom and a plastic bag, and it was taken to the Center for Animal Care and Control. Animal control spokesman Richard Gentles says the snake is non-venomous, and in good health.

The the New York Post and the Daily News and the AP and damn near every TV news operation in the city did stories about the trapping of this rat snake, a cold-blooded, flesh-hungry, dead-eyed breed described by experts as "Easy, an ideal beginner's snake. Hardy, tolerant of handling and tractable enough for children."

Just wait until someone spots a stray cat. Those things have claws!
[Pic via]

Because why would any self-respecting scary white straight guy like Eminem ever, I mean ever agree to have some other fellow's bits placed so precariously close to where the man puts food and maybe also a lady's breast? Kilmeade just won't accept that the whole thing was clearly a setup, because in his tiny world—which consists of a Farrah Fawcett poster, three little old men playing baseball, and a copy of the movie Freejack—men don't feel comfortable with their bodies or other bodies or anyone's bodies, and body touching is just gross especially if it's boys. I mean, if a gay hairdresser came dangling down on Brian Kilmeade, well Little Mr. Muffet just wouldn't know what the hell to do. Watch his brain start to explode above.

Also, yes, Gretchen. Everyone realizes Bruno wasn't wearing pants. Sshh. Just ssshh. Everyone just take a nap now. I know, I know. It's been a long coupla days. But everything's gonna be OK.

Who needs a binkie?

Daily Intel obtained this memo which just went out to Conde employees:

Date: Mon, 1 Jun 2009 11:56:41 -0400
To: Conde Nast NY - All
Conversation: Flu Advisory
Subject: Flu Advisory

We were recently notified by an employee working on the 12th floor at 4 Times Square [Ed.: WHERE VOGUE IS!!] that a doctor confirmed a positive test outcome for Influenza A (according to CDC, the H1N1 virus is a sub-type of Influenza A). This employee also confirms being under a doctor's care and currently recovering at home.

In line with CDC recommendations, please monitor any flu-like symptoms should they arise and check with your healthcare provider about any special care that may be required should you be pregnant or have a chronic health condition such as diabetes, heart disease, asthma, or emphysema.

This just might be the story of the month, already. If you are inside the infested area, please email us at once.
[Daily Intel]

Ever since the Great Swine Flu Panic of '09 started a month ago, the problem has been the same: it's not that swine flu was utterly undeserving of being reported upon; it's just that the DEADLY EPIDEMIC OMG aspect was incredibly overblown. Finally, interest has settled down to reasonable levels.

In California, the worst appears to be over. And in New York, these two deaths would have gotten wall-to-wall coverage a few weeks ago; now they're back in the metro section, where they belong. Factors contributing to the sudden outbreak of reasonableness:

• Turns out swine flu's no worse than regular flu!
• Everyone who's died in NYC so far has had other health problems, not just the swine flu
• Public schools are reopening faster than they're closing in PANIC.
• It's sinking in now that the PANIC is really a waste of time:

  Of those who have gone to the emergency room, fewer than 1 in 50 needed to be admitted to the hospital, Dr. Frieden said. "The vast majority of people going to the hospital emergency department probably shouldn't be going," Dr. Frieden said. Similarly, he said, a spot check of schools with high absenteeism showed that two-thirds of the children who were kept home were not sick.

[NYT, AP. Pic: Getty]

This morning the school sent an e-mail out to parents and students, saying that the closure was due to "an unusually-high number of student absences, the majority of which have been related to flu-like symptoms, including several confirmed cases of Influenza A, but not Swine Flu."

Just when you think the Great Swine Flu Panic of '09 is dead, it rears its porky head again. One NYC school employee has already died from the disease. But he was a public school assistant principal. Now that one of our fair city's most expensive bastions of trust fundee sequestering has fallen prey to the Panic, there is simply no telling how many calls to the mayor's office from corporate titans will result, or how many seeds of trauma for future book deals will be planted in fertile young minds. The nightmare has returned.

Here is the full email Thomas Kelly, the head of the school, sent out to now fully panicking parents:

Dear Horace Mann Parents,

After a great deal of thought and a thorough review of the information, following regular dismissal today, all divisions will be closed for the remainder of the week: from Wednesday, May 20th through Monday, May 25th. We have been monitoring an unusually-high number of student absences, the majority of which have been related to flu-like symptoms, including several confirmed cases of Influenza A, but none of Swine Flu.

In consultation with the NYC Department of Health & Mental Hygiene, we determined that it is in our best interest to temporarily close School and reopen on Tuesday, May 26th.

As of this afternoon, all after-school and evening activities are canceled, and there will be no late buses. All campuses will be closed to students, parents and employees while our Maintenance and Cleaning Departments work to ready to the School for next week. We will share additional information pertaining to our decision to close and the implementation of our virtual school plan in a special issue of Across the Divisions you will receive this evening.

While some of you may be inclined to pick up your child(ren) immediately upon reading this email, as a parent and Head of School I respectfully request that you allow the day to conclude in a normal fashion. Administration, faculty, and staff are prepared to discuss this matter with the student body in developmentally-appropriate ways prior to today's dismissal.

Your support at this time is greatly appreciated, and I look forward to seeing everyone back on campus next Tuesday.

Sincerely,

Tom

[Riverdale Ramblings, NYT]

The Post reports: It's time to get your fucking guns out, downtown party people:

Downtown Manhattan, the city's party mecca, has been hit by an alarming spike in vicious street violence.

Assaults in Greenwich Village lead the frightening upturn, with a whopping 43 percent increase so far this year compared with the same period in 2008.

Crime's also up in Tribeca and the East Village and the LES! Is it the angry poors finally seeping out of their own neighborhood and doing some reverse gentrification? Probably not! Police blame it on drunk party people—not a classic sign of a painful recession!

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Take a look at the Post's scary crime chart , at left. The first thing you should note is that the figure for the East Village should be 27.7%, not 42.9%. [You can look these things up, too!].

Now, consider the very, very worst neighborhood on here: the shadowy streets of Greenwich Village. Yes, year-to-date felony assaults are up by almost 43%. What does that mean? It means there have been 40 assaults so far this year, 12 more than this time last year. That means that, on average, there have been about two more assaults every three weeks, in the entire precinct. Not exactly South Bronx 1985 numbers. Oh and look, in that same precinct, robbery, burglary, and grand larcenies are all down by double digits, and the murder count for the year is 0. Facts which did not find their way into the Post's public service piece about the "VIOLENT CRIME WAVE."

Although I did once see a dude get knocked the fuck out in broad daylight on 14th and 6th!

In conclusion you are still much safer walking around Greenwich Village than, say, trying to steal Col Allan's drink.
[NYP. Also Alex Balk has a theory on this stuff. Pic of typical downtown NYC crime via Flickr.]

The press is, naturally, disseminating this terrible idea as widely as possible, probably in the hope of creating two awful self-fulfilling prophesies at the same time.The New York Times did a trend piece which included second-hand accounts of two internet questions about self-infection, plus news that a women's magazine reporter is asking doctors if mothers should hold "swine flue parties, like chickenpox parties." Read: Not a real trend, but one the media is very, very hungry to make real.

But the Times also quoted by name a "chief of infection control" at a midwest hospital who was thinking of throwing caution to the wind and going without a face mask on a domestic airplane flight as part of a "passive approach to getting infected:"

"I'm thinking of taking my chances" and forgoing the mask, he said. "That's a change from a week ago. I think to myself, yeah, I'll be miserable for a week - but that'll beat maybe being seriously sick later."

The Times story also quoted a bunch of medical professionals who said this is an insane and reckless idea, obviously.

In summary, do not go to a swine flu party, it's dangerous; but if you do go to a swine flu party, or hear rumors about a swine flu party, or are thinking about having a swine flu party, you are very edgy and interesting and definitely call your nearest reporter, because he or she is dying to talk to you, out of sheer fascination.

[NY Times]

Reports are pouring in from the scene of the melee:

I just returned from my lunch break hoping to use the attached coupon
to score some free KFC grilled chicken at the mid town location 47 E.
42nd Street. Well I guess around 200 people also had the same idea
with coupons in hand.

When I finally gave up (after 30 minutes of aguing with other
customers) a small RIOT started going on outside the store with people
screaming at the manager while he wont let them use their free KFC
coupons (issued by OPRAH)

Another tipster warns of possible RACIAL VIOLENCE:

I went over to our nearest KFC a few minutes ago (this was around 42nd and Park)and chaos ensued. Despite the very visible grilled chicken behind the register, the manager told everyone with coupons to leave and that the promotion was over for the day. The people there are currently holding a sit-in and refusing to leave until they get their free chicken...or the cops are called. Racial epithets were being spewed, people who actually wanted to pay for chicken were facing a potential beatdown, and the manager ran from the screaming horde. Oprah, what have ye wrought?

Great Oprah, just great. Look what you've done. We will continue to cover this breaking potential race riot and/ or political uprising, at KFC. We beg you: If you are on the scene, send us photos and reports at once.

Raccoon Roundworm, or Baylisascaris infection, has been studied since at least 1951. Right now it's in Brooklyn, where it recently blinded (in one eye) a teenager and caused seizures, spinal problems and brain damage in an infant. Tragic. The New York Daily News ran the story late Sunday; the Associated Press has picked it up.

The disease in contracted through contact with raccoon feces or though contact with something else (soil, water) contaminated with feces. (Here's the CDC rundown.) There are fewer than 30 cases nationwide in the medical literature, according to the New York City Department of Public Health (via AP).

So probably you're fine, as long as you dispose of any raccoon feces using plastic gloves and bags before your children can get near it. And as long as you watch your back for any horrifying killer raccoons emerging from the sewer like hellspawn, as documented in this awesome Daily News picture:

THEY'RE OUT THERE. AND THEY JUST KEEP COMING.

For example! Joe Lauria is a WSJ reporter who came down with a bad case of the flu right after the PANIC hit New York. He set out to try to get tested and see if he had the deadly swine flu. Turns out, that's impossible! The city, the state, doctors, and hospitals all passed him off to someone else, with the final outcome being: you can't really get tested for swine flu in NYC, and they don't want to test you, so just forget it.

But it's still very, you know, dangerous.

So the media finds itself coming to the realization that this whole thing is overblown, but still being forced to cater to the public fears that they created last week. Now newspapers are in the position of simultaneously reporting that the DEADLY SWINE FLU is actually "mild," but officials are still very concerned, so stay tuned to our live breaking updates on the outbreak.

And naturally, the papers that stoked the panic the most are also the quickest to holler that the whole thing is over. The New York Post is already calling it "hogwash." You think the institutional memory of tabloids is more than one day? Sheeeit.

But stay tuned for the next panic!
[Yea]

• So. The government sent a plane to New York to spray us all with killer Swine Flu vaccines, and now we are all autistic. This happened because some people forgot about 9/11, which why we embraced the coloring book of terror.
• Then a Secret Service agent caught the Swine Flu, but the president remains curiously resistant! This was all explored in an episode of 24.
• Portfolio died but before it did there was a brief, tense moment when we thought it'd be Adam instead!
• We asked where the Hipster Grifter was, but she was just still out in Brooklyn, grifting away. Grift on, sister.
• Tina Brown, though, should stop grifting. We are getting tired of it.
• This week in MEDIA: Brian Ross is an old-school hard-nosed reporter who gets everything wrong all the time because he believes everything he hears! Glenn Beck is still nuts! Oh, Barack Obama had a press conference to warn us of the SWINE FLU but he was hijacked by reporters. Dangerously gay reporters!
• Hah, Obama's socialite outreach lady fucked up the recession message in WSJ. And WSJ. still exists! And still has that weird period!
• Hey, a crazy lady is pretty sure her dad, JFK, was the Zodiac killer from that movie. You know, Captain Corelli's Mandolin. That movie.
• The mayor of San Francisco has a nutty wife who does nutty things in nutty movies. That's San Francisco for you! Always with the nuttiness!
• Meanwhile here in New York Blair refuses to take the subway because Joe Biden told her not to and Richard contemplated a world in which he liked Alex and Simon.
• We found the shittiest job in the world!
• Julia Roberts: She's just like us! Except rich!

p.s.

Folks all over America heard about this Deadly Swine Flu, on the teevee, and they're not waiting to be killed by runaway microbes: they're taking futile actions now.

More than 300 schools closed around the country, sending more than 170,000 students home in 11 states, including all schools in the Fort Worth district.

In Delaware, a rap concert was canceled. At Slippery Rock University of Pennsylvania, 22 students who had been student teaching in Mexico were told not to take part in graduation ceremonies. (Their separate ceremony will be shown on videotape, school officials said, during the official event.) And in Chicago, some Roman Catholic priests stopped giving communion wine and were asking parishioners to avoid shaking hands.

Anything that cancels a rap concert in Delaware can't be all bad.
[NYT. Pic via]