Attention, readers: this is not a test. This is not a drill. Please, without panicking, stop what you are doing and make your way to the nearest supermarket. Now. America may—and we stress may—be running out of Velveeta.
Alan Greenspan, the guy who saved the world right up until we realized he was responsible for destroying everything, says stocks are headed up. PANIC.
Anti-anti-sexism expert Christina Hoff Sommers has repeatedly warned America that boy-hating educators are forcing children to play namby-pamby things like "Circle of Friends," in lieu of traditional, vigorous games of tag. "Circle of Friends," Amanda Hess discovered, is freeze tag.
FBI agents were called to the Michigan home of a Saudi student who was spotted walking around with a pressure cooker — only to learn that he was using it to bring food to his friend's house.
Yes, the flu season is really bad this year. No, it's not entirely due to "people use too much Purell nowadays" or whining about what's probably just a cold, either. The CDC reports that more than 200,000 people are hospitalized from "flu-related complications" every year. Sometimes, especially in the winter, people…
While the people you follow on Twitter have been eager to let you know how warm it is today, it looks like we're in for a long, hard winter. Why's that? Well health officials say we're already seeing a spike in flu cases, several months early.
According to a CBS News story published today, Flamin' Hot Cheetos have been causing something of a panic among parents whose kids shovel the stuff in by the bagful, resulting in a reddish stool that sends them running to the emergency room.
Perhaps it was frustration at not being in a theater screening Magic Mike — or horror at how strongly we react when our toys are taken away — but the internet did not handle it well when Netflix, Instagram, and Pinterest all went down last night.
The New York Post has a rather alarming (and alarmist) article on a potential happy hour ban in the city. They cite a lot of mysterious Department of Health sources, so it's difficult to confirm any of this — but when anyone suggests a serious threat to cheap drinking, panic is the appropriate response.
Passengers on Delta Flight 3163 were quarantined at Midway Airport for over two hours after one passenger was suspected of carrying the monkeypox virus. If the word "monkeypox" makes you think of Outbreak, that's legitimate — but the virus isn't exactly Ebola.
Remember when we couldn't stop talking about the spike in orange juice prices? OK, well pretend that you do. Turns out we don't have to worry, because those fears have been greatly exaggerated.
Minnesota's giant shrine to the gods of mass retail, the Mall of America, erupted into a 200-person melee last night. Thirty police stormed the premises, putting the entire mall on a temporary lockdown. The mallrats are rebelling!
Proud residents of the 46th Worst State in America, California, got a little full of themselves yesterday after the devastating East Coast earthquake and the reactions that followed. Well, a train car carrying 29,000 gallons of propane burst into flames yesterday in Lincoln and now some 4,800 homes have been…
The major drug companies have apparently milked the Swine Flu™ pandemic for all that they could, because the World Health Organization today declared that the "H1N1 virus has largely run its course." In a statement, the Director-General said the WHO's Emergency Committee decided on this during a conference call. Oh,…
It's only noon, and already the Dow has dropped by 325 241 336 points. Terror. Panic. Uncertainty. Fear. Should you dump all of your stocks and stash the cash while you still can? No. No. No!
One good (bad? Who knows, really?) consequence of the impending re-collapse of the world's financial markets: gold prices have risen so high—$1,715 per ounce, at the moment—that gold is now virtually the same price as platinum. A wee bit more expensive, even! All rappers will now be required to trade in their platinum…
A wildfire in New Mexico is now less than one mile from the Los Alamos National Laboratory — where nuclear weapons and other fun things are developed — and a spokesman from the Santa Fe National Forest called it a "very, very big concern, not only locally but nationally and globally." That sounds bad.
"They said, 'We're from Exelon, and we had a tritium spill. It's nothing to worry about,'" said Tom Zimmer, after he bought a new house in Illinois near a facility belonging to America's biggest nuclear operator, Exelon. Yikes.
After all of the trash talking and "cucumber slurs" between Germany and Spain over where the deadly "mutant" E. coli outbreak originated, we may finally have the culprit: sprouts from a farm in Uelzen, Germany. Samples from the farm are being tested now. A German agriculture official told the BBC that "a connection…
This is just what the world needs now: A deadly, never before seen "mutant" strain of E. coli. That's exactly what the World Health Organization says is responsible for killing 17 people in Germany this week. Of the 1,500 people who are sick with the strain being attributed to cucumbers, 470 "have developed a rare…
