Mark Wahlberg doesn't deserve a pardon, says the woman who prosecuted him for beating up two Vietnamese men in 1989.

Mark Wahlberg wants formal recognition from the government that he's now a Serious Movie Star and not just a beer-stealing eye-stabber.

Alan Turing, the legendary British computer engineer and codebreaker who killed himself two years after a 1952 conviction for homosexual activity for which he was punished by chemical castration, received a royal pardon on Monday from Queen Elizabeth II.

Barack Obama got so sick of everyone bitching about him that he issued his first presidential pardons today, to nine world-famous murderers who'll eat the guts of every web commenter who types "GROW A PAIR, OBAMA" from now on. Seriously.

[A live turkey stands on a wax Barack Obama's desk at Madame Tussauds in London today ahead of the annual pardoning on Thanksgiving. Image via AP]

Florida Gov. Charlie Crist, who will be unemployed in two months, may pardon the late Doors frontman Jim Morrison over a famous 1969 indecent exposure charge. (He drunkenly waved his penis around, allegedly.) Finally, hippies have something to cheer for.

Bush-pardoned rapper John Forte's last day in jail: "Washing and conditioning the hair that had grown below my waist added an extra 30 minutes to an already lengthy process." But he made it, thankfully. [TDB]

President George W. Bush has pardoned Charles Winters for the anachronistic sin of selling arms to Israel. Winters died in 1984. Why did Bush bother?

A dead man and 18 others currently not in prison received coveted pardons from President Bush today, as he continues to just fuck with us on his way out of office.

Canadian British Lord and newspaper magnate and stupid criminal Conrad Black is currently serving 78 months in federal prison for mail fraud and obstruction of justice. Black was an old friend of William F. Buckley and Henry Kissinger (before they stabbed him in his wrongfully convicted back) so obviously he's in with…