Obtained by Dealbreaker, the letter concerns McGee's son, John Edward, who attends Houston's Kinkaid School and wanted to wear cheerleader costumes with his football friends in a pep rally skit, but was barred from performing due to "negative gender stereotyping."

Entitled "The Tipping Point," McGee's letter begins with a single violin playing the world's saddest melody, Ballad of the Rich White Guy Who Takes Himself Entirely Too Seriously:

I am writing to you today with a heavy heart but also with a strong sense of obligation. I am sad that things have gotten to the point they have at Kinkaid but feel I must speak up on behalf of the "silent majority" before the situation gets to a point of no return. ... I submit to you that the values, methods, beliefs and actions of the current Administration are not in synch [sic] with those of the majority ... So this letter is about much more than a cancelled [sic] pep rally—it's about taking back control of the Kinkaid School. [emphasis mine]

What follows is a three-part, bullet-pointed explanation of the new white man's burden: getting subversives fired from your kid's prep school. His rationale includes "the parent whisper circuit," "a gay female coach," and the time a "leftist" teacher made his son cry.

In the first section, entitled "The Catalyst (see attachment 1—my email to Don North the afternoon of the pep rally)," McGee lays out the myriad wrongs associated with barring his son from performing a funny dance in a dress in front of the school. The unjust harshing of John Ed's mellow may have been part of an elaborate vendetta perpetrated by student president Andrew Edison, who "had previous issues with football players" and—J'accuse!—once distributed a video of himself in drag, too:

The real instigator, though, is "The Teacher," Ms. Leslie Lovett, who apparently led the anti-skit battle. Lovett "is regularly ranked among the least desired teachers (at least on the parent 'whisper circuit')." Her class is a "leftist invective" of anti-i-banking propaganda. Also, she hates football and doesn't know her place:

Last year, she commented to an 11th grade history class including my son
that somehow both Lehman and Barclays made a bunch of money on the Lehman
bankruptcy, and that all investment bankers were "sleazeballs" and dishonest. With tears in his eyes, John Ed called her out in front of the class and said his dad worked for Lehman Brothers and had been working around the clock trying to save 11,000 jobs and that she had absolutely no idea what she was talking about.

...Last year, Ms. Lovett suggested that Homecoming should be at a girls' field hockey game rather than at a football game. She also complained that there were no women on the football team and poked her nose into the yearbook with nonsense issues that she has no business raising.

Look, Skip: I get that you're sad about Lehman. But when everyone knows you get a 7-figure paycheck every month, maybe don't complain about how emotionally difficult it was for you to steer 11,000 people's job losses, not to mention setting off global economic freefall and bankrupting entire nations. That said, the image of a Lehman exec's teenage son blinking back tears of confused rage, shame, and filial protectiveness makes for a somewhat fascinating tableau on the concept of "inheritance."

In his "Conclusion," McGee expands his disgust with Ms. Lovett to include all teachers who care about "diversity" and are total buzz kills:

What happened to our ability to laugh at ourselves and have fun? What happened to common sense and good judgment? Why is a married, heterosexual coach considered an oddity at Kinkaid? Why is a gay female coach telling high school girls on her team that she was disappointed in them for belonging to the spirit club (SOK) and that by doing so they are just pandering to the football team?

My personal favorite part of the letter is when McGee explains that the case of the party-pooped pep rally is actually the story of America:

The number of parents who have been talking about this particular pep rally is enormous. It is not because they care about football or pep rallies, it is because they have all encountered the same issues in some form or fashion. We have lost our way.

McGee closes by reminding everyone that his eldest daughter Katie "is now a senior at Princeton," so he knows a thing or two about kids and education. Today's battle, though, is not about Katie. Nor is it about John Ed. It's about the future: little Lizzy McGee, a wee eighth grader who walks into the light of tomorrow's daybreak with heavy feet, not because of lefty teachers and the P.C. police all up in her grill—but because her father, Hugh "Skip" McGee III, is really embarrassing

Read Skip's four-page masterpiece at Dealbreaker.
[DealBreaker] [The Daily Beast]

Today's New York Times article on Munley details the 5"4, 34 year-old SWAT-team member's hobbies thusly:

...A woman with a fierce love of hunting, surfing and other outdoor sports..

So, we have a hunter, a surfer, and an outdoorswoman. Who's also got more balls than anybody you will probably encounter over the course of your life:

Sergeant Munley...bolted from her car, yanked her pistol out and shot at Major Hasan. He turned on her and began to fire. She ran toward him, continuing to fire, and both she and Major Hasan went down with several bullet wounds, Mr. Medley said.

Whether Sergeant Munley was solely responsible for taking down Major Hasan or whether he was also hit by gunfire from her partner is unclear, but she was the first to fire at him, the authorities said.

Bang bang. The name of the training which Munley received is called "active shooter protocol," from which you could probably surmise is what they teach you to do when somebody is firing bullets at other people and/or you. Most people's "active shooter protocol" is to get the fuck out of the way as quickly as you can and start every foxhole prayer you've ever learned. Munley went after Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan, and opened fire. She's already got a reputation for this kind of bravado:

Her partner in Wrightsville, Investigator Shaun Appler, recalled how Sergeant Munley saved him one night when she wrestled a large man off him after the man had pinned him down and was trying to take his gun. She earned the nickname Mighty Mouse for that, he said.

Damn. She's been hunting since she was 11, her husband is in a Special Forces unit, she's got a 3 year-old daughter, and she chases would-be burglars around her neighborhood when she's not working.

One neighbor, Sgt. First Class William Barbrow, said that about a year ago Sergeant Munley chased down a burglar who had been prowling around the neighborhood.

Not only that, but she's got about 3,540 more Twitter followers than you. Is there anything this woman's afraid of?

Naturally. I always feel creepy and weird when placing the designation of "hero" on anybody, because, you know, that's just strange. It's a word that gets thrown around, especially here in New York, where our "hero" cops are often just a bunch of thick-necked, jacked-up crooks using intimidation tactics and barely subtle racism to enforce their own brand of "justice" upon our fair city. But I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that we've found ourselves The Real McCoy in this one, wouldn't you?

They do! And this is actually enjoyable, so bear with me, here. I mean, this does come from the same progressive parent Ayelet Waldman, who wrote her book about what it's like to be a mom that came out in May. Which the Times does mention. I wish they would've quoted from The Hamilton Review of Books, however:

...Look, she likes to fuck her husband, Michael Chabon, a lot, and playing with her kids she thinks is okay and everything, but not really in the same league as fucking her husband, Michael Chabon, and if she feels that way, that's her right. She likes to fuck Michael Chabon, period, deal with it.

And her husband wrote The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay. So! These parents, they have these children. And a bunch of people do terrible things to their children like maybe put them in balloons or put them on TV or put them in beauty pageants or, I don't know, make them part of an outer-borough trend New York Magazine ends up having to document for a five page facepalm-heavy read. No, this is not that. These people write books about their children. And not just books, people. Michael Chabon books. Let's be honest: you have fucked up parents. They're either going to put you on a reality show or write a Michael Chabon book about you. What do you want? You want the book. Especially if it's Chabon. Phillip Roth, not so much. Part of me thinks this Times article was written explicitly to make half of grown-ass-man Brooklyn jealous of Chabon's children. Michael Chabon wrote books about them. And not you. Not only that, but he fact-checked with them, too. Neal Pollack, stick this up your AlternaAss:

When they do write about their children, Mr. Chabon and Ms. Waldman check with them first. If the topic might be sensitive, they read the child sections aloud and ask for their permission to publish. (In the Times Book Review published Sunday, David Kamp writes that Mr. Chabon "shows admirable restraint in not pimping out his children, in not giving away too much of their lives, their trials and their cute utterances.")

Boom. Michael Chabon does more fact-checking and on-the-record, off-the-record designating with his kids than the Washington Post does with their lobbyists. And after all of this effort, after having this Pulitzer-winning dad who's brilliant and incredible and god, he's writing a book about you! What do you give him for it?

And for their part, their children have not been particularly interested in what their parents spend their days writing.

SPOILED CHILDREN! And I wonder why they didn't like it? Hm. Anyway: Michael and Ayelet are still crazy in love with each other. They go on "plot walks," which is kind of like when I go have a smoke except I do it alone when I can't come up with a new way to write about Lady Gaga's genitals and they do it together and make brilliant Pulitzer magic their kids won't appreciate for how brilliant it really is. They do it together a lot. They do everything together a lot. They have such loving parents. Why won't these kids like these books??!?!?

The couple's eldest daughter, Sophie, has read a few of her mother's murder mysteries. "She did not enjoy the experience," Mr. Chabon said of his daughter's read. "She just wasn't ready to think of me as having ever been young or smoking cigarettes." Ms. Waldman jumped in: "Or being sexually active, sleeping with men."

Ah. That's why. Embarrassing parents are universal. Also, Ayelet Waldman still likes to fuck her husband a lot, really, is the point.

[Note: I have been informed by two readers (thank you Baroness and Sunroar) that the final quote reads strangely (as it does in the Times). Apparently, Chabon actually did sleep with men, and he discusses it in an essay about The Mysteries of Pittsburgh that now appears at the end of the paperback. That said, Waldman could've easily been talking about herself, and she still likes fucking Michael Chabon. Also, all parents are still embarrassing. Don't ever try to be a 'cool' parent. Ever. You will fail.]

It's not like you just have children and then don't have to worry about your fitness routine and whether the changes induced in it by parenthood would be good fodder for any fake trend stories in the NYT. You do have to worry about such things! You think jogging while pushing a stroller is just as easy as regular jogging, except while pushing a stroller? The paper of record has like a thousand words of filler that say you're wrong:

Ms. Arnold of Santa Fe joked that strollers should come with a placard, warning starry-eyed parents of what an intense workout they provide.

She's absolutely right. Strollers should come with a placard warning starry-eyed parents of what an intense workout they provide. "WARNING," this placard would say, in bold letters. "This stroller provides an intense workout."

But one placard won't be enough to resolve all of the serious fitness issues facing the adult New York Times-reading population. Allow us to present to you Michelle Slatalla's newest column detailing her adventures as a Wife/Mother/Worker/Spy. In this episode: Michelle likes to play tennis at the tennis club but she hurt her wrist and now she has to learn to serve with her other hand and despite her extensive work with Rafael the club tennis pro she's hesitant about returning to playing tennis competitively at the tennis club but her entire tennis team is putting mad peer pressure on her to come back to playing tennis until one day, Michelle reports, "She had put me in the lineup! OMG, OMG, OMG!"

She plays okay. The point is, the reader demographics of the New York Times are fucking terrifying.
[Pic via]

1. The Aspiring Teacher's Pet

Dear Dean,
I am passionately interested in Computational Fluid Dynamics, but at the same time I am deeply involved in an international Peace movement known as "Seeds of Peace," as a volunteer as well as a Peer Support Leader. I would like to go to a university where I would have the opportunity to focus on both engineering and leadership development to enable me to influence the peace process between India and Pakistan. If i were to be admitted, is Harvard the right place for me?
My question
- Sahir Zaveri

2. The Current Teacher's Pet

Dear Dean Fitzsimmons,

I'm a current student at Harvard, and I love it here. Thank you for accepting me.

I don't have any questions.
- Julia

3. The Angry White Man (Veiled)

How does Harvard's admissions process reward diversity without committing a type of reverse discrimination against potentially strong candidates who lack any diversity?
- Luke

4. The Angry White Man (Unveiled)

If someone is white, heterosexual, and Christian do they stand any chance of getting into Harvard? Thanks.
- Joe

5. The Angry Rebuttal to the Angry White Man

Dear caucasian applicants. It's extremely interesting how you can all automatically assume that anyone who is colored is automatically less deserving of admissions into Harvard. I graduated from Harvard Class of ‘00.

I'm a Hispanic female with a disability. Neither of my parents finished grade school, much less high school. I grew up in a household where my parents' combined income was less than $30,000. I could certainly have checked off multiple "diversity" boxes, and I did.

But I also scored a perfect score on the SAT's, graduated salutatorian of my class, was class president, went to Nationals in Academic Decathlon, and found time to volunteer. I was able to do all of these things despite my disadvantages. Perhaps that doesn't jive with many of your perceptions of Hispanic females, but you should all stop blaming your inability to get into Harvard on everyone else. Many of my colored classmates happened to work very, very hard to get where they are. They certainly didn't have parents as obsessed and narrow-minded as the ones here on this board.
- JOLT

6. The Crazy Parent

Hello,

My children are in elementary school now, and I am almost panicked about trying to get the "right" education for them in order to go to an institution like Harvard. We are not rich by any means, so we are trying to set a path that will open up possibilities for them. What can we do to get them going in that direction?

Thank You,

George Pfeffer

7. The Guy Testing Out His College Application Essay

Dean Fitzsimmons,

Let me tell you my brief story. I was quite honestly an immature kid not ready for college out of high school. I wasn't a particularly good student in high school, and it followed me to the state school in Alabama I attended for three years, failing most of my classes, and never amounting to much grades wise.

However, since then, I've grown up. I've moved to Atlanta, where I've worked in a Congressional office, worked on the executive board of my local Young Democrats chapter, and am currently on staff for a city-wide council campaign. All the while, I've been going to school full time at the local junior college making all As (with a couple of Bs) and I'm re-taking the SAT in January. In short, I've grown up, and I've put together a record as an achiever in both the classroom and the community since my first try at college.

I want to transfer to an elite school where I can be truly challenged and prepared for my next step, law school. In all honest, what would be my chances to be admitted to an elite institution as a transfer student on the less than traditional path.
- Joshua Smith [Ed.—Your chances are slim without copy editing.]

8. The Person Dumb Enough to Ask a Good Question

Why is college so expensive?
- sminister

9. The Local Yokel Who Also Wants to Ask President Obama About the Broken Stop Light on Her Corner

Why did you only admit 1 Scarsdale H.S. Senior last year?

SHS is supposed to be one of the best public highs in the nation.

The local newspaper runs the issue highlighting recent grads/schools. I am aware some seniors dont submit their names/schools…but 1 seems low.

Back in 80s, 6+ SHS grads headed to Havard

Worried my school taxes are being wasted!
- $

10. The Sane Person

Dear Dean Fitzsimmons,
Don't you think it's absurd that all these people are obsessed with getting their kids into Harvard?
-John.

[Full Disclosure: We did not read all 788 questions. Feel free, though.]

MeMe lives on the Upper West Side, and she has two kids in school (she also runs National Action Against Obesity). She is rather unpopular, because she really doesn't want her kids eating junk food. Reasonable, you say?

• "What sets her off is the junk food served on special occasions: the cupcakes that come out for every birthday, the doughnuts her children were once given in gym, the sugary 'Fun-Dip' packets that some parent provided the whole class on Valentine's Day."
• She makes her kids put every piece of food they get in school that is not the official school lunch in a Tupperware container dubbed the "junk food collector."
• She tried to get the school to require permission slips for kids to have any food not on the lunch menu.
• "Ms. Roth waged war on the bagels and Pringles meal served to kids at lunch." War!
• When she met with the school's principal about the issue, she "threw candy onto the table and cursed."
• "The police were called to a Y.M.C.A. in 2007 when she absconded with the sprinkles and syrups on a table where members were being served ice cream."
• She called Santa Claus fat, in a bad way.

A few years ago, a huge internet war broke out on that very same forum when someone had the audacity to write that they'd found a "boy's hat," clearly a vicious assault on the gender-neutral safe space that was Park Slope. You can read all the emails from that epic philosophical battle here, if you're unclear on why Park Slope Parents are one of the worst cultural subgroups this side of the Minutemen.

Caught up? Okay. On to the new issue which threatens to tear the very fabric of the Park Slope Parents online community into two gender-unequal parts: it seems that the "moderators" of the group want to charge its 13,000(!) members a $25 fee to continue posting. They work hard and they want what's coming to them, okay? They've posted an incredibly lengthy FAQ to the outraged members describing why, exactly, they deserve the cash. (Idea: write shorter FAQs, feel less overworked!). Some highlights of this battle for the soul of the proletariat:

We'd like to thank the members of Park Slope Parents for their support, patience, and tough questions during this time of transition. One of the things that Park Slope Parents has been known for is our ability to disagree without name-calling and personal attacks. Many of you have been taken aback by the news of the membership fee. Many of you are angry and would imagine from the posts that some of you feel hurt as well. For that we are sorry, since as fellow parents (and in many cases friends) our desire is to be ever-supportive of each other.

Heh!

—-How is the money going to be spent?—-

The primary use of the money we raise through membership fees will be used to pay salaries for the current Park Slope Parents staff (Susan Fox and Rachel Maurer as well as other staff whom we hope will be hired), and to pay for the website fees and for costs associated with in-person events. Here's just a sampling of what these staff do:

* Research and post information and events useful to our members
* Find, train and manage moderators on membership approvals, message
approvals, questionable posts, nanny posts, advertisements and the like.
* Research and write surveys, program the survey, send requests and
follow ups to members, clean data, crunch data (solicit and manage
volunteers to help) create toplines and presentations of surveys (e.g.,
Nanny Survey, PSP feedback surveys)
* Write, collect, and convert online survey reviews to the website
(e.g., daycare reviews, camp reviews)
* Read and field ideas about possible PSP events (e.g., seminars,
book signings, Mommy and me exercise classes, etc)
* Address concerns from members about questionable ethics related to
PSP (e.g., bartering for PSP reviews, trolling for business, bad nanny
posts, prosletizing in the park)
* Answer questions from members about potential spammers/trollers,
research the company, follow up with the business, email Constant
Contact and other direct marketing corporations about abuse and follow
up until we reach a resolution
* Field the accuracy of messages posted to the list which may be
inaccurate
* Find, hire and manage computer consultants who update PSP website
software. Research changes to software and decide if upgrades are
needed.
* Review online community software and vet emails from Yahoo! groups
competitors
* Receive and answer emails from local organizations and businesses
about posts on Park Slope Parents (e.g, Methodist Hospital, CB6,
Brooklyn Children's Museum, businesses which receive negative reviews,
etc.)
* Manage non-moderator volunteers (Who offer to compile information
for the PSP Website, offer to help organize events, etc.)
* Create new content from Yahoo groups' summaries and create
links on the website and inform group of addition
* Organize, find volunteers, set up, attend, and follow-up after PSP
events (Park Slope Parents Concerts, Harvest Festival, Spring Fling,
Celebrate Brooklyn concerts)
* Create new categories of content for recommendations section when
needed

Sounds fucking horrible. I should warn you that that's just a portion of Question #1 from this 16-question FAQ, which features its own table of contents. Let's just do one more, shall we?

—-Online communities should be free. It's the members that make it what it
is. Why are you charging for something that someone else will provide
for free?—-

Yes, the Internet is "free" in the sense that it's an open worldwide network of networks. Yahoo! groups does not charge for groups and people can start another Yahoo! Group easily. There are many other groups (Urban Baby, Moms Connect, etc.) which you can join. The underlying goal of many of these other groups, however, is to sell your eyeballs, find ways to market to you, get you to click on their ads or buy their products so they can repeat this cycle. Website stickiness and use is the goal, not community building.

We have never tried to keep people from starting another list and we encourage people through "other online groups" reminders and website page that there are many other groups in other communities to join. People who oppose the new fee are welcome to start a new group and run that list in any way that they see fit.

Park Slope Parents is full of amazingly talented, educated, wonderful people who have, over these past 6 1/2 years, contributed a wealth of experience and support to the group. We thank each and every Park Slope Parents member, past and present, for their contributions and hope that this new development will not in any way decrease the support or feelings of camaraderie you feel to other parents.

However, the work that goes into maintaining is not 'free' if the group wants to maintain an online community of this size with a high level of civility and integrity, free of spam and too much commercialization. Clearly the organizers have made the list look like it runs itself, which is both a compliment and a barrier the acceptance of this new fee. Park Slope Parents has the character it does specifically because it is both carefully maintained and informed by a sense of responsibility to the community and the other members of the list. As Park Slope Parents grew, so did the behind the-scenes work created by that growth, including (for example): anonymous post protocols, moderation of
conversations to avoid "flame wars"; mindfulness of the impact discussions can have on local businesses and individuals; soliciting and maintaining commercial posts; posting events for schools and non-profits, planning community events, and oversight of caregiver listings.

Someone likened Park Slope Parents to a town square where people can freely converge and discuss issues. But even town squares need maintenance. The cracks in the sidewalk need to be fixed, the advertising flyers people leave need to be cleaned up, and if a riot breaks out, there need to be people who manage the situation so it doesn't cause permanent damage to the community.

... Someone else likened Park Slope Parents to a town square where witches are burnt alive. The pyre has been lit, my friends. This FAQ alone certainly represents $325K worth of work, but no matter; Park Slope mommies are loading their shotguns. The end of this will not be pretty. Hipster kickballers: this is your future.
[Pic via]

Is Amy some sort of loose woman that all the kids know about? Is she a drugger or a drinker? Am I that out of touch that I wouldn't get some reference that members of a freaking parents council understand? Maybe it's about Amy Winehouse? But why would that anger the parents so? Whatever's so awful about the song, they've cut a radio edit. But I guess it's still offensive. A rep from the Won't Someone Please Think of the Children Association of America says:

It’s one thing for a song with these lyrics to be included on a CD so that fans who wish to hear it can do so, but it’s an entirely different matter when this song is played over the publicly owned airwaves.

But, I just don't get it! If... You... Seek... Amy... what on Earth is so upsetting about that?? I gave it a few listens and couldn't find anything terribly objectionable. But I must say. It's really not one of songwriter Mike Hunt's best works. [NYT]

More upper- and middle-income parents, including many who felt pressed for time when their children were growing up, aren't ready to be "finished with them" by their 20s, says Katherine Newman, a Princeton University sociology professor and one of the project's 20 researchers. Also, as more students attend college at older ages, parents are coming to regard the 20s as a time of self-discovery.

Self-discovery of a job, is the idea. If you're truly poverty-stricken, or taking care of a sick parent, that's one thing. But these are able-bodied young people who willingly choose to live in the basement.

More enduring cultural and social changes are at work, including a growing "child-centeredness" among families, Dr. Newman says. Many parents enjoy having adult kids around as long as they're pursuing "a future they can endorse."

Don't you people want to have sex in peace?

[WSJ]

Their sense of outrage is refreshing. Lots of people line up zombie-style and shuffle in and out of "fun" clubs, tossing out money left and right, every night. We've all done it before. But mostly, although you know the night was a ripoff, you just shrug and tell yourself that's how it is.

Not the Hendersons! As much as most people would dread their parents going with them to a club like this (I mean, I think it's sweet, it's just not for me personally), maybe the LAX club should fear the parents more. Their daughter would have been thrilled to get in and party no matter what; dad, on the other hand, is like, "The fuck?"

And now it's all over the papers. As a bad thing! Not how things always happen in Vegas! We love the sweet smell of nightlife pretension burning in the morning.

Do not allow your parents into these shitty clubs, people!

To hear the Hendersons relate their bad experience on video, click here.

[pic and video via Las Vegas Sun]

For $40 a session, pint-size cooks can learn to make dim sum, sopas and baba ghanouj. On a recent weekend, Alyssa Volland, the instructor and the wife of Alex Volland, the restaurant's owner and chef, chose pizza for the day's lesson. But this wasn't a typical child-friendly pizza — frozen, on a bagel or dripping with pepperoni. Instead, Hanna Mandel, 5, set to mixing yeast pebbles, sea salt and extra virgin olive oil into an artisanal dough, which she topped with mozzarella and a nutty, slightly stinky Gruy re before choosing a vegetable topping. As she kneaded, she talked about her No. 1 food, sushi, declaring, "Seaweed is my favorite part."
Alyse Mandel, her mother, glanced over with the pride usually reserved for straight-A report cards, and said, 'She'll try anything.'

Is that Ella? Oh wow, she has grown! She is so SOLID now.

And now you're here at Whole Foods, looking for nice nutritional alternatives for her, right? That's great. That's a good project. I'm glad to hear you are finally taking nutrition seriously.

No of course you always have. With your old school Flinstones vitamin-style.

Atticus! It's impolite to just grunt and point. Ask the fishmonger nicely for your tuna steak.

Hm? Yes, we're just having a light dinner. We were out last night at Per Se enjoying their $500 prix fixe Les Enfants menu. Frankly it's not as good as Babbo's Baby Buffet. But Atticus ordered his truffle oil and snap pea puree smiley face-pizza and then suggested a nice Burgundy for us adults! Among other things, he's sort of a Sommelier-Savant.

But we're just gonna settle in at home tonight. This morning we went to Quintessence for a light breakfast of roots, brambles and artisanal prunes, and then attended Toddler Alexander Technique. Then up to the MOMA for hisYoung Directors Workshop. Then we attended a grape juice tasting at Two If By Sea, stopped by ABC Carpet And Home to buy Atticus a mini sushi knife, and a "My First Raclette" kit for him. We're just wanting to educate him more about foreign cuisine so that he is well prepared for the Kid's Davos summit meeting next week.

Aw. Look at Ella reaching for the intestinally clogging Jello Brand gelatin. Such a little American! With such a little American body. I wonder why she craves such things. Since you are a SAHM you don't have to worry if the nanny is secretly feeding her Dunkin Donuts like I do!

Well anyway, it's great that you're here. It's a good first step towards nutritional help. Why don't I walk around with you and find some items to help you make the shift for Ella?

• Stonyfield Farm's YoKids Squeezers Organic Lowfat Strawberry Yogurt in 8 portable tubes
• Kale-dusted Pirate Booty with Mercury-free Ground Chilean Salmon Fish Jaw.
• Mama Appalachia's Millet and Quinoa Waffle squares
• and Whole Kids String Cheese made from the Milk of Hormone Free, Constantly Hugged Goats

  There. That will come to about 350 dollars. But it's worth it. I love Whole Kids.

  I don't want to give you false hopes though. Transitioning Ella into a healthy eater is going to be hard, at this late age of 2. I accustomed Atticus's palate to interesting foods by serving my family spicy and exotic
  dishes when he was still in the womb. Next time, you should check out the Whole Unborn Fetus section here. It was really helpful.

  At this stage, Ella's intestines may be so clogged with goldfish and pudding that a sudden introduction of healthy diet will send her swinging back to junk food. Like Carnie Wilson after her stomach was stapled!

  I would suggest putting her on a 10 day Master Cleanse. Just water with lemon, cayenne pepper and Grade B maple syrup. Her belly may become severely distended, her eyes and teeth may lose their shine, and she may slip into a coma, but it will prepare her for a lifetime of good nutrition. Atticus goes
  on a Master Cleanse twice a year. He loves it. I really think that near starvation brings him closer to children across the globe who are less fortunate. Something Ella could learn. If she survives.

  I gotta get going. Be well! Bye!

  Atticus! Time to go select chanterelles for our mousseline!

  These Kids Never Say 'Yech!' [NYT]

  Earlier:Come To Graydon Carter's Warm Inner Thighfold. Or Not. Or Whatever.
  

Annie's stinks. Ever caught a surprise whiff as you guide stove-top traffic at dinnertime? (Right rear pot cleared for takeoff. Climb to avoid hot and high left front.) The stuff is rank; think sweaty T-shirt marinated in a gym bag for a week. Yet kids, whose palates are usually so delicate, lap it up. Which leads one to wonder, what's in those little hare-festooned envelopes anyway? Heroin? As a matter of fact, it's pretty much the same thing that's in the famous blue box: pasta, cheese, milk, salt. Granted, Annie's has only nine ingredients while Kraft has 20, most of which, nasty as they sound, replace nutrients removed in processing or are naturally occurring and have a long history as additives. Just two Kraft ingredients raise the mercury on the toxic-meter: yellow dyes No. 5 and No. 6, which impart the infamous fluorescent hue.

But from a nutritional perspective, that's the only time Annie's lands a punch. The rest of the match is a draw.

The Bunny vs. the Blue Box [Salon]