Paris Hilton, the velour-sweatsuit-clad, sticky-lip-glossed ghost of our 2006 collective consciousness, is still somehow convincing people to pay her millions of dollars for the grotesque pleasure of watching her stand around for a few hours. Who the hell would throw that kind of money at her?

Over the weekend, Barron Hilton — brother to Paris and Nicky, son of a hotel — got his ass kicked at a mansion in Miami allegedly at the behest of Lindsay Lohan. What a fantastic news story.

Lil Wayne was once at the top of his field—so much so that when he declared himself
"Best Rapper Alive," people took him seriously. Now he is slumming it in a guest verse on Paris Hilton's bid at a comeback single, "Good Time." (Spoiler alert: She's lying. It's a bad time.)

All the bad gals are excited for this month's release of Sofia Coppola's based-on-real-events movie The Bling Ring, about a gang of Lip Smacker-sticky teens robbing the homes of celebrities. One bad gal who is not so excited? Paris Hilton.

Sofia Coppola shows off the power of girlish frivolity as expertly as she always has in this super-short teaser for her upcoming movie: The Bling Ring. The teaser is about 40 seconds, but shows all sorts of materialistic thrills and Emma Watson attempting to groove seductively in a LA club.

Everyone knows that after the sun sets on another sizzling Miami day is when things really start to heat up, dale.

Paris Hilton is currently facing some major backlash in Saudi Arabia. Hilton — the less-famous niece of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills stars Kim and Kyle Richards — has just opened a store to sell her "handbags and accessories" at the Mecca Mall.

Author-turned-internet troll Bret Easton Ellis took to Twitter once again to offer his unsolicited opinion on the latest offense to the LGBT community.

Here's Paris Hilton's inevitable apology for getting caught saying that gays are "disgusting" and "probably have AIDS", via GLAAD:

Noted dimwitted bigot and frequent star of recordings she didn't know she was starring in Paris Hilton has said something stupid again. Imagine. And it was during New York Fashion Week. Double imagine.

A SWAT team called to extract a disorderly man who had barricaded himself inside a hotel room in Belmont, North Carolina, was met with some unusual demands.

Lending further credence to the maxim that everybody's a DJ now, Paris Hilton kicked off her highly unanticipated world DJing tour in Brazil over the weekend, playing an hour-long set for a potentially coerced audience in Sao Paulo.

Thankfully, Ms.Lohan's breast escaped while she was pretending to be Liz Taylor fighting with the actor pretending to be Richard Burton on the set of Lifetime's Liz and Dick movie. So this time around, the sad tit's chaos is really just pretend chaos.

For those of you who needed another reason to crush on Jon Hamm, the Mad Men star joined the ranks of legitimate TV actors ragging on reality TV personalities. His targets: Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton.

Need a custom ringtone for that ex-boyfriend who only calls late at night, when he's drunk and horny? Now presenting the Paris Hilton "Drunk Text" ring tone collection, culled from Paris Hilton's new spoken word techno song "Drunk Text."

Well, this is very awful. This is "Drunk Text," Paris Hilton's "latest" single and a collaboration with the house music production duo Manufactured Superstars.

We loathe a lot of people here at Gawker, mostly because we recognize that humanity is irreversibly doomed and the future holds nothing but Kim Kardashian dancing in six-inch stilettos on the graves of the poor. (Silver lining: Well-aerated grave grass.)