Batman Bale's Family Assault Interview

• Dark Knight star Christian Bale is accused of assaulting his own mother and sister. Police apparently waited to question Bale about the incident because "it would have been wrong to have wrecked the premiere." Yes, one wouldn't want to interrupt the celebration of a fictional vigilante crime fighter with an awkward attempt to, you know, fight crime. [Sun]
• Alec Baldwin's book A Promise To Ourselves is about how the screwed up divorce and family court system made him very angry, resulting in the famously abusive voice mail he left his daughter. You know what else makes Baldwin very angry? Being rescheduled four times for an interview with Diane Sawyer about the book, just because her husband went into heart surgery or whatever. [R&M]
• Sarah Jessica Parker has an art competition show, and it's headed for Bravo. The creators of Project Runway are involved. [P6]
• Harvey Weinstein's Weinstein Co. is expanding with a full 11,000-square-foot floor in a TriBeCa building. Their credit is still good! Or at least it is with their old landlord. [Post]
• Britney Spears looks good in a bikini again, thanks to the magic of cool, refreshing cigarettes. [Egotastic]
• Madonna is taking time off from her tour under doctor's orders. Supposedly, the pop star fired two dancers and her tour manager was on the verge of walking out. "One of her closest pals says she has never seen Madonna so low." [Sun]
• Alex Rodriguez is negotiating with his wife Cynthia in New York this week to "quickly settle their divorce" and "avoid a public 'slugfest.'" Oh, good. Because one can only imagine the salacious gossip that might emerge from such a situation. [Post]
• Al Reynolds was spotted at Miami Fashion Week with a woman "who was the spitting image" of Star Jones, complete with four-inch stilettos. [Post]
• Larry Mendte, the Philadelphia TV news co-anchor of cop-puncher Alycia Lane, was charged by the feds with reading Lane's email, including during breaks from the 11 o'clock news, and presumably for also forwarding her email to various tabloids, because if low-grade email snooping alone is a federal crime this guy is one unlucky bastard. [P6]
• Miley Cyrus is interested in taking the movie role of "a lovable, lost suburban girl who descends into a life of reckless partying and promiscuity." How does Vanity Fair continue to manipulate her this way?? [Scoop]
• Fashion line Guess wants its lead model to look like Amy Winehouse. On purpose. [P6]
• Paris Hilton is maybe tired of boyfriend Benji Madden, even though she recently wanted to marry him and have his babies, according to rumor and so forth. [E!]

AP's Celebrity Bumbler Now Covering Ethnicity

Sad A-Rod Hangs With Mom, In The Club

• Madonna did not show up to her alleged lover/disciple Alex Rodriguez's All-Star party, nor did his bitter teammates, so he hung out alone in the club with his mom and two "kabbalah buddies," including a woman spotted leaving his house the next day.
• Page Six detailed all the lies noted liar (and animal-hating monster) Paris Hilton has told them, although you never with the Post, really. One of the more bizarre ones is that Hilton smoked marijuana in front of Page Six staff and then promised to take a drug test, but never did. [P6]
• CNN's Washington, DC assignment editor is on the cover of Muscular Development, a magazine featuring guys with obscenely large muscles, and with a website hawking all kinds of, uh, "supplements." Fox News Channel's buddies at the Post think this makes him a "CABLE BULLY." [P6]
• A cat named Anderson Pooper was just named "Best In Show" on Daily Paws. And he's silver! [OMG]
• Lauren Conrad fails to bring dog to bitchfest, ends up crying and somehow flaking. [Emily Brill]
• It's not so much that Jesse Jackson thinks Barack Obama is "talking down to black people" when the presidential candidate tells black men to take responsibility for their children. It's that he thinks Obama is talking down to him, says the mother of Jackson's love child. [Enquirer]
• Cityfile, which profiles Gotham's rich and famous, is trying to take pictures of wealthy people coming in and out of their fancy apartment towers, and is getting harassed by goons and hangers-on. Genius. [P6]
• NBC Universal is eyeing new offices at 7 World Trade Center and 11 Times Square, a total of roughly 500,000 square feet. [Observer]
• Tatum O'Neal's crack dealer feels abandoned. And that's a bad thing? [Enquirer]
• Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were maybe going to name their baby boy Rex Leon? But didn't? And an embroidered play matt somehow proves that? Something like that. [R&M]
• Lord Of The Rings director Peter Jackson probably just bought a Tribeca duplex fo $17 million. [Observer]
• OK! magazine is finally showing those Jessica Alba pictures it paid so much for! Actually, $1.5 million is a bargain these days. [Sun]
• Michael J. Fox will return to TV for four episodes of Rescue Me. [Us]

Paris Hilton Sober As A Pregnant Woman

• According to this one "firsthand, regular and up-close" source, Paris Hilton stopped drinking, because maybe she's pregnant. Or maybe she's just trying to get attention because she's jealous of Nicole Richie and her baby. [E!]
• Reggie Jackson, haggling with an artist over price: "Are you Jewish?" [Post]
• Lindsay Lohan clothing line includes "Mr. President" kneepads! [Rod Townsend]
• After getting taunted with Madonna's picture by opposing fans at a game and slammed in the press even for his charity work, Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez re-hired agent Scott Boras, the longtime rep Rodriguez dumped for Madonna's manager when a Yankees contract negotiation hit problems.
• In some movie, Kate Hudson will play a Vogue journalist who "gets a sexy dance" with Daniel Day Lewis. [P6]
• Naomi Campbell complained the press doesn't cover the wonderfully nice things she does when not bludgeoning assistants with cell phones or getting arrested for assaulting airport police. The Insider obliged with a picture of her visiting a children's hospital in Nigeria.
• Ethan Hawke, 37, confirmed a secret marriage to his 28-year-old former nanny. She was hired by his prior wife, Uma Thurman. [Mail]
• "Jay-Z Demands Watermelon Carved in Shape of Beyonce's Breasts" sounds entirely plausible and not at all fabricated. [Showbiz Spy]

Paris Hilton's Secret Hollywood Language, Translated

Paris Hilton Defends Her Dog-Demanding Habits

The Creepy Brit Who's Destroying The Honorable Craft Of Celebrity Journalism

Paris Hilton Pet Cruelty Prevented

Mike Sitrick, Ninja Master Of The Dark Art Of Spin

Kate Moss Just Wanted To Powder Her Nose, Jerks

• Kate Moss stormed out of a party at Milk Studios in Chelsea because they wouldn't let her bring three friends into the bathroom, citing a "strict one-person-at-a-time policy." [P6]
• Supermodel and beat-down artist Naomi Campbell had surgery to allow her to have children, since she believes children will fix her life by forcing her to "calm down." As long as they aren't, you know, whiny incompetents like all those assistants she attacked. [Showbiz Spy]
• Not only did Anne Hathaway have a sinus infection when she kissed fellow actor Steve Carrell for a movie, she also had pink eye, and now he probably has it, too. [Oh No They Didn't]
• Uma Thurman's stalker is supposed to be in Maryland after narrowly avoiding a jail sentence, but instead he's handing around in New York, near the courthouse, in the same clothes he had on during the trial. It's over, buddy. Let it go. [Entertainment Tonight]
• Jennifer Aniston had dinner in Los Angeles with a mystery man, so there was speculation the movie star split from singer John Mayer, but it also emerged he's driving her car, so probably they're still together.
• Actress Jessica Alba gave birth to daughter Honor Marie. [Sun]
• Oh, look, it's seven skanks competing to be Paris Hilton's new "best friend," all hoochied up in front of a club in Las Vegas. [Sun]
• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are determined to spend more on their baby nursery than fellow celebrity-twin parents J. Lo and Marc Anthony. So far, the price tag is north of $140,000. But where are the dedicated baby guards? The hermetically-sealed climate control? The Scientologist consultants? [R&M]

Lydia vs. Paris: "I'm a Hearst, Not a Hilton!"

Paris Hilton With No Makeup Sells Beauty Products

World's Sanest Family Seeks New Thetan

• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are supposedly in the market for another screamless Scientology birth. [E!]
• Paris Hilton isn't engaged to singer Benji Madden, she's just wearing those two diamond bands on her ring finger in an effort to look extremely desperate. She also claimed, "I cook great lasagna," which pesumably involves toggling between 30, 50 and 100 percent power on the microwave when the Stouffer's is in there. [People]
• Liv Tyler is separating from her husband Royston Langdon, a British musician. [People]
• Defeated American Idol contestant Jason Castro on forgetting lyrics on camera: "I definitely did not do that on purpose." [ET]
• Ashlee Simpson calls fellow singer Britney Spears a "trashy girl" on an excruciating celebrity talk show improbably run by Nokia. Also, apparently a "Britney Spears" is code for "a beer" in some parts of the world. [Sun]
• That painting of actor Heath Ledger, for which he posed just prior to his death, won the people's choice award at the Archibald Prize Exhibition in Australia, where the painter lives. [People]

Paris Hilton Demands Cute Baby That Can Go A Few Days Without Water And Stuff

• There is no goddamned way animal-hating monster Paris Hilton actually said this to justify her alleged competitive need to conceive: "I have a lot of beautiful animals that I look after and I feel I would have a lot to give my children."
• British police kept hold of singer Amy Winehouse for nine hours of questioning after arresting her in connection with a January video in which she apparently smoked crack. She was said to have "sobbed uncontrollably once inside Limehouse" jail before being released around 1:30 am. By 4 am she was happily rummaging around at a convenience store, chatting up reporters.
• Jennifer Aniston was calling flame John Mayer "every spare moment" she got on a Miami film set. Then he flew to Miami to make out with her in a football stadium. This is the part where we all tune out for our own sanity, right? [OK!]
• For the Sex And The City movie, Sarah Jessica Parker and Cynthia Nixon got to keep their clothes, but Kristin Davis and Kim Cattrall did not. So unjust. How do they expect Kristin Davis to make movies without clothes? [E!]
• The Barbara Walters episode of Oprah attracted more viewers than both Tom Cruise episodes of Oprah, according to television tracking firm Perez Hilton.
• Here is Matt Damon looking creepy in a moustache. [IsThisHappening]

Tom And Katie's Romantic Trip To "Gold Base"

• Tom Cruise sent wife Katie Holmes to a three-day Scientology boot camp at "Gold Base" to prevent her from working on her Broadway play in New York without him, said Star magazine.
• Paris Hilton looks frighteningly skinny in this picture. [Sun]
• Miley Cyrus "skipped" a Disney event in Orlando, Florida, which would have been her first public outing since her racy Vanity Fair shoot. [LA Times]
• Druggy singer Pete Doherty is the guy who managed to shoot up not just in jail but in the detox unit of the jail. So the Brits decided to just let him go, one month into a three month sentence. [Sun]
• Former child star Gary Coleman went on Divorce Court with his 22-year-old wife Shannon Price. Coleman failed to support Price in a fight with a stranger about when the world was ending. [DListed]
• Jason Biggs from American Pie married actress Jenny Mollen in a private ceremony last week. [People]
• When singer Lou Reed and performance artist Laurie Anderson got married, they paid $10 to be wed in the "Boulder Mountain marriage license office." [Gigwise]
• Dennis Rodman, the former basketball star, was arrested for hitting a woman in a hotel. [Enquirer]
• Singer Usher denied rumors he wanted to auction pictures of his baby son. [P6]