Here's what Page Six reported in June 2007:

Shelby Segall, whose yard borders Hilton's, tells The Post's Marianne Garvey:

"She treats her animals horribly. They are always getting out and running around the neighborhood. She had a little orange kitty about a year ago that kept getting out and we kept telling her it was outside. She didn't seem like she cared, and then one day the cat got run over in the middle of the street and died. Not long after, little [Chihuahua] Tinkerbell came to my door and I left a note on her gate. Her assistant came over frantic and tried to offer me a $40 reward. I said, 'Don't insult me.' "

Another neighbor said, "I found two little Chihuahuas of hers running up and down the street with cars and people going up and down. I put them in my bathroom and called Paris. Her assistant answered and said, 'You can't drop them off! Miss Hilton isn't home!' She took three hours to come get them.

When Page Six is able to back up its salacious gossip with an honest-to-god named source, that's a pretty good sign something real is happening.

Of course, nothing will ever be proven, because the timid poodles at LA animal control can't even get into Hilton's house to get a count of the animals. Someone in authority: Step up and stop the churning animal chaos!

[X17 via Post]

(Photo: X17)

• Jennifer Aniston was photographed holding hands on a Mexican beach with a MYSTERY MAN. He's OLDER. Also, she's just friends (third item) with actor Gerard Butler even though he was totally TOUCHING HER THIGH.
• Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt and their six kids live in $85,000-per-month French chateau that is a "pigsty," a "warzone" and that has a "completely fly-infested" kitchen. Also there's blue dye everywhere. [Star]
• Diablo Cody: "I’m sorry that while you were shooting your failed opus at Tisch, I was jamming toxic silicon toys up my ass for money." [Slashfilm]
• Animal-hating liar Paris Hilton is claiming 300,000 people applied to be on her show even though one of her auditions in midtown New York drew less than 40 people. She also claims she's going to "be in a lot" of real estate and hotels some day, unlike today when she lives in cardboard boxes or something.
• Brad Garrett from Everybody Loves Raymond is dating nothing but trouble. Hire-a-private-eye trouble. [P6]
• Meghan McCain has a "tiny blue star" tattoo near her foot. After the election, she's going to go even more crazy with some other tattoo. Wild. [P6]
• Jennifer Lopez is throwing her husband an $800,000 birthday party. [Scoop]

• Alec Baldwin hates TMZ's Harvey Levin, who made famous Baldwin's abusive voice mail to his 11-year-old daughter and who, Baldwin writes, "seemed to be that breed of tabloid creature that realized an almost sexual level of pleasure from ruining other people's lives." Previously, the voice mail had been the fault of the daughter, then the media, then the entire family court system. Oh, also, his ex-wife, who "reaches an almost sexual level of satisfaction when she's in a room full of high-priced lawyers." Sounds familiar!
• Anne Hathaway's handlers don't want you to know that she smokes. [R&M]
• Paris Hilton is probably already jealous of Nicole Richie's screaming matches with Joel Madden. [Star]
• Britney Spears' record label will make her insane again or grow fabulously wealthy trying. [Scoop]
• Miley Cyrus, 16, insists the 20-year-old underwear model who flew into town for a visit is "just a friend." [Hollyscoop]
• An entrepreneurial LA airport cop created a fake Jamie-Lynn Spears to distract the paparazzi and now he's in trouble for it because he gets paid to make the lives of ordinary people miserable. [E!]

From: "mark armitage" <—--@juno.com>
Date: September 3, 2008 9:58:33 PM EDT
Subject: your coverage of Bristol's pregnancy

Dear Ms. Min,

I am just simply thrilled that you folks have been so focused on Bristol Palin's pregnancy. It is rewarding to me that you liberals consider the plight of the unwed pregnant mother - so much so that you would put it on your cover. Amazing.

So let's have a close look at another unwed, pregnant mother, Mary Joe Keopeckne - who has no one to speak for her today because TED KENNEDY KILLED HER. Why don't you talk about that, since you are so concerned about the plight of the unwed mother?

This is your chance to completely avoid the charge of hypocrisy by holding yourself to the standard you have yourself erected. So let's see a cover devoted to that unwed mother Ms. Min. Do the right thing.

Mark Armitage, M.S., Ed.S
Los Angeles

And this slightly more direct message, from:

From: "Ella Wilmore" <—-—-@gt.rr.com>
Date: September 3, 2008 6:34:22 PM EDT
Subject: You've got nerve, I'll give you that.

How dare you imply by your Sarah Palin cover headline: "Babies, Lies & Scandal" that there's any kind of scandal surrounding this candidate.

I’ll never read your piece of shit magazine again.

You extreme liberal assholes keep on enjoying each other's company. You are all nothing but scum. Read U. Talk U? How about FUCK U.

Okay Janice, my 295 cents:

From: "Moe Tkacik" <—--@gawker.com>
Date: September 4, 2008 12:00:33 PM EDT
Subject: your coverage of Bristol's pregnancy

You actually blew it here. As I pointed out yesterday, some sort of alarm should have sounded when you saw these headlines lined up last week:
COVER STORY: Sarah Palin: Political Opponent Recalls Being Ridiculed
EXCLUSIVE: Cindy McCain's Half Sister: I'm Voting For Barack Obama
EXCLUSIVE: Tim Gunn: "No Contest" — Michelle has better style than Cindy
Father Of Bristol Palin's Baby: I Don't Want Kids

Seriously, I don't think I've ever seen such an absurd collection of stories in my life in this country and I used to work at the Washington Times.* Because the Washington Times, while it would have gone out of its way to tout "exclusive interviews" with the enemies of its political targets and most certainly would have published any and all incriminating status information from the MySpace pages of its political enemies' teenage daughters' sperminators, has never dissed one of Michelle Obama's outfits.

Admittedly, I haven't conducted any focus groups on the matter; maybe there is a vast untapped demand out there for a left-leaning Daily Mail. More likely, taking into consideration your recent tone-deaf snooty comments about how Us Weekly has "proven" that not all supermarket tabloid readers are "obese" Red State housewives alongside your magazine staffers' public insistence that all "journalism" is tabloid journalism anyhow these days and the understandable identity crisis affecting all celebrity tabloids in the Post-Celebutardrunkdriver Era, Us is still too drunk off the Kool-Aid of its own tremendous financial success to realize that while Sarah Palin and Barack Obama are products of the same socio-cultural-economic moment that gave us Us, you cannot cover them like the rest of the people in Us. As you yourself put it, Paris Hilton never started any wars. Yeah, because even in this country, no one would elect her to the fucking PTA. But they might elect Sarah Palin, and Sarah Palin could actually start a war, and to keep all that from happening you've got to do your best to hide the ample supply of culture war ammunition that is your staff's collective Ivy League diplomas, Obama campaign donations and privileged obnoxious Fashion Week party attending lives. Y'all are not, after all, Matt Taibbi. (Although it would be awesome to get Taibbi to weigh in on the Cindy-Michelle style wars!)

Earlier this year your boss Jann Wenner wrote in your sister publication Rolling Stone that Republican operatives, upon first witnessing the phenomenon that was Barack Obama, were bowled over by the "walking Hope Machine."

Where did they find him? Certainly no Republicans ever expected the party to come up with a black constitutional law professor-cum-senator as conversant in Faulkner as in Friedman as in Jay-Z. Who could galvanize black voters without sullying himself in their pandering machines or resorting to Ebonics, who could praise Reagan even as he systematically went about dismantling the set of assumptions that made him so culturally attractive. Just as certainly, no Democrats expected the Republicans to find an attractive articulate gun-toting mother of five leading a state with an economy sufficiently supportive of America's moribund upper-working class to enable enough of said voters to maintain enough belief in the long-discredited notion that corporate wealth trickles down to elect a Republican governor on looks and charm and Godfearingness alone.**

Where did they find her? Well, they had to go all the way to Alaska, but there she is, and while her life is no more reflective of average American realities than Angelina Jolie's or for that matter John McCain's, that is why they chose her; they're not idiots. John McCain was on to something with that whole "celebrity" thing; this is the world you helped create, Us Weekly.

The only difference is, when you misjudge someone in this game — when you smear indiscriminately or judge too harshly or make Tim Gunn do your dirty work for you — it actually matters because unlike Amy Winehouse or Jamie Lynn Spears they actually have jobs. They are actually entrusted with the power to do shit. And when you dabble in the arena of covering such figures, you can't forget that it's actually not just voyeurism anymore. And when you fuck up there are a thousand livid hockey moms for every Chris Crocker. Many of them are not overweight at all! They might even buy lipstick advertised in Us Weekly. I just don't want Us giving them something to vote against.

*On the Metro section, where I covered the deer overpopulation problem and made $8 an hour for a few months in 1999. It was worth it for the orientation video alone, though they were not exactly receptive to my pitches on such topics as the District's woefully underfunded drug treatment programs.
**Look, I know. The point of that is that sentence is that Alaska is the last outpost of the Economy Of Middle-Income People Who Actually Make Money Doing Real Shit. (As opposed to the manufacture of celebrities and microcelebrities, processing insurance paperwork, etc.)

• Britney Spears drank at 13, lost her virginity at 14 and started taking drugs at 15, her mom said in a tell-all memoir. By 16 the singer was caught with cocaine and pot on a private jet, and mom was feeling guilty about letting her sleep with Justin Timberlake and make "raunchy" music videos. But releasing a tell-all memoir about Spears six months after Spears's latest trip the psychiatric ward? No regrets! [Sun]
• Meanwhile, it turns out Spears is going to perform at the MTV Video Music Awards, contrary to prior reports. [Daily Star]
• Anderson Cooper pays just $15 for a barber shop haircut. The CNN anchor's adorability is so low maintenance! [P6]
• Oprah will maybe appear on 30 Rock. [ET]
• David Spade impregnated a Playboy Playmate during a fling and will "accept responsibility" for his new daughter. He'll even go visit, just as soon as he can take a break from shooting his movie. So sweet! [People]
• Paris Hilton collaborated with Tom Petty's daughter on a so-called documentary about her life and is curtailing film festival showings, because apparently this will allow her to harvest more money off the film. [P6]
• Sex addict David Duchovny used to hit on extras and went into treatment because his wife gave him an ultimatum. [R&M]
• Fellow American Idol judges Paula Abdul and Kara DioGuardi have supposedly made up. [P6]

• Fresh off a breakup with Drew Barrymore, Justin Long made out with Kirsten Dunst. He likes them (barely) sober! [R&M]
• Paris Hilton congratulated Britney Spears on not being fat and crazy anymore. Yes, Paris, undermine her some more. Maybe suggest another genius move like that vag flash. [OK!]
• Now Victoria's Secret models think they can auction their baby pictures to celebrity magazines? Please let them be so very wrong. [P6]
• John McCain's people found a new way to arrange words to make it sound like Barack Obama approved the stupid video Madonna made comparing McCain to Hitler. It goes like this: "It's not surprising that Barack Obama and his fellow celebrities stick together." Us Weekly fact-checks this spin with... a link to "See photos of Barack Obama's biggest celebrity fans." Sigh. [Us]
• Members of the cast of Real Housewives Of NYC attended a wedding together and supposedly behaved in the various terrible ways one might expect. Someone knocked over some drums and someone else was trying to make out with everyone. Or at least that's what someone wants us all talking about. [P6]
• Andy Dick's about to have one of his epic "I just dodged a felony" parties. [Us]

• Paris Hilton either added implants to "her A-cup" breasts or wants to spread gossip that she did so she can sell her stupid "push-up" bra. (Yes, you can click the thumb if you need a closer look. Yes, you will feel dirty. But don't you kinda feel that way already?) [P6]
• Graydon Carter's wife Anna gave birth to a baby girl, Isabella Rose Carter, who can already get better reservations and invitations than you. [P6]
• Oppressive Hollywood people will not let Danny Glover make a movie funded by beacon of tolerance Hugo Chavez. [P6]
• Heath Ledger's daughter Matilda will receive money otherwise destined to the actors who completed Heath Ledger's turn in Terry Gilliam's The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. Johnny Depp, Jude Law and Colin Farrell are all donating their proceeds from the movie. [Fox]
• Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt plan to marry on live TV and also wrest the Hills from Lauren Conrad.

• Lindsay Lohan is either converting to Judaism for Samantha Ronson, Ivanka Trump style, or about to leave her for a man.
• Frances Bean Cobain, 15, goes to pilates with her caretaker, who is the ex-wife of Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I had no idea about any of that. [P6]
• Rumer Willis, cruelly-named daughter of Bruce, was often compared looks-wise to Jay Leno, and also called "Rumer the Tumor" in school. But now she's on the People 100 Most Beautiful list, which one would hope helps with the self-esteem and so forth. [P6]
• Paris Hilton crossed this Scottish singer, standing on a chair that had the singer's posse's coats and bags and so forth. So the singer spit some drink on her with a straw. Then the catfight started, involving statements like "I'm going to kill you." (The Scottish singer is now to be knighted.) [Sun]
• Jamie Spears on daughter Britney: "She sometimes calls me 50 times a day and asks me things that light my life up. But, like all daughters, she is very manipulative and cunning. So she gets what she wants a lot." [OK!]
• Madonna blew up at Britney Spears. Also, she's not turning 50, she's turning 36, because Kaballah says so.
• If you grab Amy Winehouse, you get what you deserve. [Sun]

• Christian Bale is set to get a "caution" about his alleged assault on his Mom and sister in London, but only if he admits guilt first. Comedian Russell Brand: "In England, we have such good manners that if someone says something impolite, the police will get involved. Christian Bale, I believe whilst in a restaurant, rolled his eyes at the lighting. That is an offense punishable by five years in prison in the United Kingdom."
• Bill and Hillary Clinton said they aren't going to David "Obama" Geffen's stupid party at the Democratic convention, and Geffen said they weren't invited anyway, mumbling something about what the fatties would do to his catering bill. [P6]
• In between macking sessions with boyfriend Justin Bartha, Ashley Olsen consumed two Bloody Mary's and "a little bit" of spaghetti. In other words, a balanced diet. [P6]
• Someone is domain squatting AshleyDupre.com. But that's not the Spitzer hooker's real name, and she's probably not about to try to explain to some court how she established ownership over the pseudonym, so... Point to the domain squatter! [R&M]
• I had never heard that Lindsay Lohan's 14-year-old sister Ali got breast implants until Lindsay blogged a heated denial. [People]
• Jennifer Aniston's rebound rebound rebound man is said to be Matt Felker, a model. Meanwhile, John Mayer and Pete Wentz are hanging out more.
• Paris Hilton denied that she's dumped Benji Madden for the CEO of MySpace. [The Awful Truth]
• Because America will never tire of brutal torture on the part of insane, gung-ho law enforcement authorities, drunk driver and enemy of military training Keifer Sutherland would like to make a movie based on 24. [OK!]
• Tori Spelling says she'd still like to be in the 90210 spinoff, and implies she only dropped out because of the timing of her kid. [OK!]

They're looking for $75,000 in damages for what they see as Hilton's failure to deliver on her contractually obligated "reasonable promotion and publicity." (Though, they seemingly have no problem with the "acting services" that are demanded in the contract). So, we're assuming this means that she didn't throw herself in front of a speeding train or self immolate or give birth to a shadow baby wearing a t-shirt for the film, because every other "reasonable" amount of publicity seems to be, well, all that she does.

• Supposedly, Mary-Kate Olsen could get drawn back in to the Heath Ledger investigation "should new information become available... 'She's somebody they still have their eyes on.'" [The Awful Truth]
• Brad Pitt will star in the Quentin Tarantino remake of Inglorious Bastards, alongside Britney Spears. UPDATE: No, wait, different Tarantino movies!
• Ben & Jerry's promises not to make an Amy Winehouse flavor. Sounds kind of potentially awesome, actually, albeit more for label-reading purposes than actual eating. [The London Paper]
• Brody Jenner of The Hills totally forgot that he had slept with this one chick, who was standing right there in front of him, until reminded by his bro Frankie Delgado. [P6]
• Dennis Hopper is bummed his scenes were mostly cut out of Swing Vote. [R&M]
• Ha ha, someone keeps RSVP-ing for Blake Lively and Penn Badgerly of Gossip Girls without their permission. It's funny because it makes children cry. [R&M]
• Matthew McConaughery's newborn son got his first contact high at a John Mellencamp concert. Awww. [People]
• While Tila Tequila made fun of "Tourette's [sic] Syndrome," she repeatedly mis-spelled Tourette syndrome. [Hot Or Not Gossip]
• Paris Hilton is making a Las Vegas club, but can't talk about it until she is done trademarking the name. "Get Me Out Of Here" is probably taken, but "The Green Light" might be free. [Showbiz Spy]
• Jay-Z won't confirm his marriage to Beyonce because that's "very private." Actually, the mere existence of a marriage and the identities of the people involved is usually quite public. That's actually kind of a key point of the whole marriage thing. Some non-famous people have even been known to advertise theirs in the newspaper and so forth. Anyway. [Us]

• Barack Obama maybe has something new in common with Hillary Clinton, because according to Scarlett Johansson the whole foofaraw over Obama's email to her was "a product of extreme sexism." [AP]
• Jennifer Aniston is "so into" John Mayer, but according to Aniston's reps the actress is not getting married or having his baby, at least not yet, unless he asks, why did you hear he's about to ask or something?! No pressure! Anyway, supposedly OK! and Star got everything totally wrong. [Us]
• Sienna Miller would like everyone to know she did not break up Balthazar Getty's marriage, in fact she made sure he was separated first, because she tried that whole scene once with Jude Law and, OMG, MESS-Y! [P6]
• There is apparently some sort of controversy brewing over whether Paris Hilton did or did not use a teleprompter in her John McCain response video. The producers are on video saying she didn't, so maybe give her the benefit of the doubt, just this once.
• Morgan Freeman is divorcing his wife, but not over the woman he was in the car accident with. Apparently there was some cheating that predated that.

[Funny or Die]

• If nothing else, all this new Heath Ledger investigation press may help generate interest, to the extent that's possible, in the Olsen Twins' coffee table book in which they interview their influences. [Scoop - third item]
• That one time the America's Next Top Model contestant walloped the 4-foot-11 Hairspray star over some airport lounge seats? And the Hairspray star's dad beat the model's mom so bad she had to go to the hospital? Apparently there may be some lawsuits out of that situation. [R&M]
• Lindsay Lohan's dad will probably not attend a lesbian wedding between the actress and girlfriend Samantha Ronson, should one ever occur. In case you were wondering. [Scoop]
• Kelly Rutherford, the Gossip Girl "hot mom," named her son Hermés after the designer label. Classy! [P6]
• Amy Winehouse's dad to try his hand at radio. [Mirror]
• Sad Paris Hilton had to wait half an hour to get into Lily Pond. [Mirror]

I've been asked again and again for my response to the now infamous McCain celebrity ad. I actually have three responses. It is a complete waste of the money John McCain's contributors have donated to his campaign. It is a complete waste of the country's time and attention at the very moment when millions of people are losing their homes and their jobs. And it is a completely frivolous way to choose the next President of the United States. [HuffPo]

Hmm. Strangely, I don't find myself on anyone's side in this. I just feel like I hate rich people.

• Courtenay Semel, lesbian daughter of Yahoo's CEO was dating heiress Casey Johnson until a drunken hookup with Tila Tequila at some party. Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson totally giggled. [P6]
• The Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie twin pictures supposedly just sold for around $15 million, and not to People or OK! but to Hello!. [Mail]
• Heath Ledger's ex-wife Michelle Williams has taken up with director Spike Jonze. [Mail]
• Chace Crawford's close friend/roomate Ed Westwick is into girls! He holds their hands and everything. [R&M]
• Paris Hilton is not about to watch that ad where John McCain tries to use video of her to bludgeon Barack Obama because, really, that would mean getting up to speed on so, so many different things. Reading=ughs. [E!]
• Katie Holmes is into firefighters, and/or free press, and/or potential Scientology recruits. [E!]
• Whether she was in a swimming pool with him in Mexico or not, Britney Spears is not officially dating that former Israeli soldier guy, her manager would like everyone to know. And the guy is not a bodyguard, he's a "staff photographer." Yes, point out that he's a photographer, why don't you, since we know Britney is totally not into those. [Showbiz Spy]
• Spears' dad, meanwhile, retains control over her money and "personal affairs" until December 31. "Miss Spears was reluctant to agree to the extension of her conservatorship." [ET]

I hear whispers from the inner campaign staff that the phone was burning off the hook today with calls from Paris Hilton’s grandfather, William Barron Hilton (co-chair of the Hilton Hotel empire), furious that the McCain ad drew an unflattering comparison between Obama and his own granddaughter.

The Barroner, as he's maybe called, was no doubt wondering why the McCainiacs would imply that fragile young Paris is a vapid elitist like Barry "Islam" Nobama, just because she (similarly) lies, hates cute animals, drives drunk and is psuedo-beloved by aristocrats at Harvard. Please! Everyone knows she avoids the gross poors whenever possible, especially in Africa, where Barack was trained.

[Martin Eisenstadt]

• So remember how John McCain tried to somehow make an unflattering association between Paris Hilton and Barack Obama? It turns out Paris Hilton's parents have been funneling money to McCain! Thanks a lot WALNUTS. Did you forget the idle rich are kind of a key Republican constituency or something? [Oh No They Didn't]
• Britney Spears has been hanging out in a Mexico hotel swimming pool with her 26-year old bodyguard, who she is now dating. He's an Israeli army vet and the fourth member of the singer's staff she has hooked up with. In the meantime, she let her restraining order against ex Sam Lutfi lapse, but doesn't want him coming around, so had her lawyer call Lutfi by his real first name "Osama."
• Although Paul Newman's neighbor recanted an AP interview in which he said the actor has cancer, Newman looks mighty frail in these recent photos. [Mail]
• Huge political scandal in Australia you guys: "Australian prime minister Kevin Rudd descended from thieves... underwear and sugar thieves and forgers." Just kidding, that's actually trendy down there right now. Seriously.
• Sad Ed McMahon is losing his not only his house and but now also a divorce lawyer he allegedly didn't pay. [Post]

"I love the way the images turned out," Hearst-Shaw told the Daily News on Wednesday. "This season people will be seeing not just my high fashion/couture work, but also a sexier side."

... "I certainly have to give credit to my personal trainer David Kirsch for keeping me in shape and making sure I look good in lingerie," she said.

Hearst has to know it's not her "high fashion" people will be checking out with this campaign, but points to her for keeping up the charade!

[Daily News]

(Photos by Myla via Daily News)

• Dark Knight star Christian Bale is accused of assaulting his own mother and sister. Police apparently waited to question Bale about the incident because "it would have been wrong to have wrecked the premiere." Yes, one wouldn't want to interrupt the celebration of a fictional vigilante crime fighter with an awkward attempt to, you know, fight crime. [Sun]
• Alec Baldwin's book A Promise To Ourselves is about how the screwed up divorce and family court system made him very angry, resulting in the famously abusive voice mail he left his daughter. You know what else makes Baldwin very angry? Being rescheduled four times for an interview with Diane Sawyer about the book, just because her husband went into heart surgery or whatever. [R&M]
• Sarah Jessica Parker has an art competition show, and it's headed for Bravo. The creators of Project Runway are involved. [P6]
• Harvey Weinstein's Weinstein Co. is expanding with a full 11,000-square-foot floor in a TriBeCa building. Their credit is still good! Or at least it is with their old landlord. [Post]
• Britney Spears looks good in a bikini again, thanks to the magic of cool, refreshing cigarettes. [Egotastic]
• Madonna is taking time off from her tour under doctor's orders. Supposedly, the pop star fired two dancers and her tour manager was on the verge of walking out. "One of her closest pals says she has never seen Madonna so low." [Sun]
• Alex Rodriguez is negotiating with his wife Cynthia in New York this week to "quickly settle their divorce" and "avoid a public 'slugfest.'" Oh, good. Because one can only imagine the salacious gossip that might emerge from such a situation. [Post]
• Al Reynolds was spotted at Miami Fashion Week with a woman "who was the spitting image" of Star Jones, complete with four-inch stilettos. [Post]
• Larry Mendte, the Philadelphia TV news co-anchor of cop-puncher Alycia Lane, was charged by the feds with reading Lane's email, including during breaks from the 11 o'clock news, and presumably for also forwarding her email to various tabloids, because if low-grade email snooping alone is a federal crime this guy is one unlucky bastard. [P6]
• Miley Cyrus is interested in taking the movie role of "a lovable, lost suburban girl who descends into a life of reckless partying and promiscuity." How does Vanity Fair continue to manipulate her this way?? [Scoop]
• Fashion line Guess wants its lead model to look like Amy Winehouse. On purpose. [P6]
• Paris Hilton is maybe tired of boyfriend Benji Madden, even though she recently wanted to marry him and have his babies, according to rumor and so forth. [E!]

Andy Dick, comedian

How drunk: Groping minors, getting arrested — classic Andy Dick, basically.

Latest: Nabbed by the police in Murrieta, California for drug use, posession of marijuana and Valium and for sexual assault after Dick grabbed a 17-year-old's breasts at 2am outside (sigh) "Buffalo Wild Wings Grill & Bar."

Outlook: Given his long and distinguished track record, a relapse is virtually guaranteed.

Low point: Beaten up at the Laugh Factory in Los Angeles in July 2007 by fellow comedian Jon Lovitz, who blamed him for the death of comedian Phil Hartman since Dick allegedly sold cocaine to Hartman's wife, a recovering addict, before she killed Hartman.

Jessica Simpson, singer

How drunk: Drunk at lunch, but not drunk driving.

Latest: Perhaps distraught at pictures of ex-flame John Mayer with actress Jennifer Aniston, Simpson last week went on a four-hour margarita binge at LA's Mexicali Cocina Cantina that ended with her friend puking under the table and Simpson abandoning her car.

Outlook: Her clean track record offers hope this was an isolated boozing, but she needs to get over Mayer.

Low point: The restaurant thing. Simpson was once a goody two-shoes, having started singing in a Baptist church before transitioning to harmless teen pop. She remained a virgin prior to her first marriage.

Amy Winehouse, singer

How drunk: Epically.

Latest: Thinks her home is inhabited by ghosts; caught smoking crack or something on video; punched, headbutted and stiffed three different people over the course of a single night; has a skin condition associated with crack addicts.

Outlook: Will probably deteriorate until she runs out of money or comes, somehow, closer to death. Rumors continue to circulate she'll seek treatment abroad, for example in Israel or South Africa. Whatever — these reports have been floated repeatedly in recent months and have yet to pan out.

Low point: Probably whatever is in the British tabloids on any given morning. Has had major issues at least since she's been famous. Her first U.S. hit was called "Rehab," after all.

Drew Barrymore, actress

How drunk: Engagement-breakingly, allegedly.

Latest: Dumped by actor Justin Long (whom she reportedly planned to marry) after he "got tired of having to help Drew to the car at the end of the night," according to the National Enquirer. After battling drugs and alcohol as a child star, Barrymore thought she had things under control.

Outlook: Decent: Continues to work, and normally tends to keep herself out of the tablouds.

Low point: Entering rehab at age 14, having already snorted cocaine.

Mischa Barton, actress

How drunk: Problematically.

Latest: Pled no contest to drunk driving charges dating to December, got three years probation and mandatory alcohol-education classes.

Outlook: Decent. Has largely avoided the tabloids save for the December incident. Recently declined to join the case of Gossip Girl to work on another project, so apparently staying (soberly) busy.

Low point: Puked in the street last year while partying with celebrity friends Kirsten Dunst and Jamie-Lynn Sigler.

Kirsten Dunst, actress

How drunk: Not? Rehabbed and hopefully not backsliding, despite that one rumor.

Latest: Dragged All Good Things co-star and rumored boyfriend Ryan Gosling to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, a recovery no-no. Is fresh out of two-month rehab stint in April.

Outlook: Decent chance of a relapse. She's 26 with no kids or long term relationship, and with one hell of a track record.

Low point: When so many anonymous tipsters emailed us about her getting drunk around New York that we had to run a special report.

Scott Weiland, singer

How drunk: Problematically.

Latest : The bipolar Stone Temple Pilots frontman served a 10-hour prison term earlier this month for a November drunk driving incident, his second in five years.

Outlook: Worrisome. With a wife of eight years and two children, hopefully the drunk driving incident was just a rocker's aberration, but it was his second in five years.

Low point: A two-month drug binge with Courtney Love in a hotel in 1998. Runners-up: Convicted of buying crack in 1995 and of driving drunk in 2003.

Eva Mendes, actress

How drunk: Menacingly, but supposedly all better.

Latest: Checked herself into the Cirque Lodge rehab facility in Utah in January to "privately attend to some personal issues."

Outlook: Bad. Has taken a movie role playing a Spanish drug lord in Queen of the South. This could mean the rehab stint was just method acting; more likely the drug lord role will do to Mendes what Less Than Zero did to Robert Downey Jr.

Low point: The recent rehab. No history of erratic behavior, unless you count posing topless in Italian Vogue.

Sean Young, actress

How drunk: Freshly rehabbed as of February.

Latest: Completed a sting in rehab earlier this year after being ejected from a Hollywood awards ceremony for bad behavior.

Outlook: Poor, due to a history of emotional volatility and bizarre behavior. According to Wikipedia, her role in Wall Street was reduced due to fights with Oliver Stone; she was sued by actor James Woods for harassment; she unsuccessfully tried to win a role on Batman Returns by confronting the director in a homemade Catwoman costume; she was fired from the movie Dick Tracy. Her last marriage ended in 2002.

Low point: Heckled director Julian Schnabel during his speech at the Director's Guild of America awards in January. Believed to be intoxicated, she was escorted out.

Justin Chambers, actor and former model

How drunk: Not. Finally getting rested after a recent hospital stay.

Latest: Checked himself into UCLA Medical Center with what he said was a sleep disorder. But after his discharge, was spotted passing out and acting bizarrely at the Village Pub in Palm Springs.

Outlook: Good, if you make the difficult assumption he's telling the truth about his sleep disorder and that reports he was only drinking non-alcoholic beer at the pub are true.

Low point: The Village Pub incident.