Where were you on that fateful September day when America's innocence was lost? Never forget: 9-5-11, when Soulja Boy said a shitty freestyle line that was disrespectful to the U.S. Army. Will we ever heal?
Muslims: scary, or just weird? The deceptively reassuring answer meant to lull you into a false sense of security is "Just weird," according to a new survey that is clearly Soft on Mohammed.
Sure, we've all had the overwhelming urge, at times, to fill up our Jeep Cherokee with fireworks, drive to Washington, DC, and detonate those fireworks on the National Mall, in order to call for banking reform. How else will those fat cat politicians and banking regulators ever "get the message?" The important thing…
Americans: what are they fed up with now? Mexicans? Thuggish pro athletes? All those potholes? Well, let's see, sez here... America itself.
Happy Bastille Day! For those of you who don't know, Bastille Day is the French ripoff of July 4th, but they hold it 10 days later so they can pretend like it's their own special thing. That's so like France! Anyway, today we're declaring our independence from these awful French things.
Despite the fact that our entire global ecosystem is set to collapse into one big festering pool of chlorine at 6 p.m. on August 12, 2018, American are not in any "rush" to let it affect our spending habits. The latest "earth-friendly" product we're telling to fuck off and die: anything refillable. That's not American.
Patriotic Americans everywhere rushed home from church yesterday afternoon in order to tune into the "U.S. Open" golf tournament, knowing that god, in his infinite beneficence, would understand that enthusiasm for the "U.S. Open" is part and parcel of doing His work. Imagine their shock, then, when the NBC…
Freedom fries and foreign beer for everyone: in 2010—for the first time ever, according to some dubious industry association that may or may not be trustworthy—the USA consumed more wine than the hated French. Sure, big party.
As an American, there is no greater service that you can perform for your country than to drink vast quantities of beer. Not pussy foreign "Heineken" or "Corona" beer, the purchase of which amounts to draining the faltering American economy in order to subsidize enemy (non-US) nations. We're talking about real god…
New York City is besieged with them: "The decadent. The depraved. The malodorous, greedy, drunk and demented."
Here in New York City, we are awed and frightened by hailstorms, which seem to us as eclipses must have once seemed to premodern humanity. In Indiana, one-and-a-half-inch hail just means you have to put your t-shirt over your head while you mow your lawn, as this gentleman demonstrates.[via I Heart Chaos]
Sometimes it seems like our nation's been holding its breath for an entire decade. Since 9/11, New Yorkers have adopted a strange, heretofore unknown mood of somber respect when walking by Ground Zero, that tragic hole in the ground.
This man celebrated Osama Bin Laden's demise by exercising one of our most sacred rights as Americans: The right to tool around on an ATV while firing a handgun into the air and hollering "U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A."
Chet "CHET HAZE" Hanks is not just a rapping Northwestern University fraternity member and A-list movie star scion; he is also true American patriot. On this peerless day in American history, Chet took to Twitter to patriotize your bitch ass.
A new study shows that Americans work 8.5 hours a day. The eight-hour work day is a fiction!
The good news: Americans are starting to eat out at fast food restaurants again, celebrating our nascent economic recovery with fried flash-frozen potatoes. The bad news: one fast food giant is "rethinking" its french fries—imperiling American fry nostalgia.
Very likely 2012 presidential candidate Mitt Romney will quit using "Mitt.ly" as a URL shortener, after learning that the evil Libyan government controls the ".ly" domain. Now he'll use "Mi.tt," registered to tropical freedom land Trinidad and Tobago. [Image: AP]
Your neighbors: can you trust them? Well, more than you could 100 years ago, when kindly "Mr. Smith" next door may have been a dirty German who changed his name. Today, foreigners just rub our faces in their un-American pronunciations.
[Former President Bill Clinton and U.S. soccer center-back Carlos Bocanegra celebrate the U.S. win over Algeria. Bill has been enjoying himself so much he's staying for Saturday's game against Ghana. Via Sports Illustrated writer Luke Winn's Twitter.]
The Way We Live Now: Like newborn nationalists. Forsake the trap of globalization, quick! Trust not in the shifty promises of the inscrutable Chinee, nor in the Indian, nor in the deceptively stout German. USA, we keep our profits here!
