• It's hard keeping track of Jennifer Aniston's alleged love life. One day she's screwing Gerard Butler, the next it's secret meetings with Brad. Now she's apparently staying in close contact with her "ex" John Mayer, on whom she's "hooked" and "can't let go." Yes, it can all get confusing, but at least she only has three in the rotation. For now. [NYDN]
  
  
• Jon and Kate Gosselin's former babysitter claims Jon hacked into Kate's emails and now Kate's saying she may talk to her lawyers because she's "disturbed" by it all. Yeah, so are we. [Us]
  
  
• Oh, haha! Professional actor Jesse Metcalfe joked that he got erections while making out with Eva Longoria. No wonder this guy doesn't get more acting jobs. [TMZ]
  
  
• Donald Trump continues his war of words on Tilda Swinton, who opposes his plans to construct a golf course on a Scottish coast. She compared it to poor people's forceful evictions during the Highland Clearance's gentrification, which led Trump to say of the world-famous actress: "It's a shame that she would disgrace the thousands of Scots who suffered for her own personal gain and in order to get some easy publicity for herself." [Page Six]
  
  
• Tao will pay Kim Kardashian $50,000 to "celebrate" her birthday at their Las Vegas location. Life's truly unfair. [Page Six]
  
  
• Paul McCartney's son, James, was trying to quietly start a music career. Now the papers are on to him, so that bubble's burst. [The Sun]
  
  
• California claims Patti LuPone owes nearly $10,000 in back taxes, but her people say it just isn't so, because the actress is "meticulous" about paying the tax man. So there! [Page Six]
  
  
• Ahhh! We've seen scary skinny models, and Miranda Kerr definitely deserves honorary mention. Well done! [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Melissa Rycroft, who's a "celebrity" for being on The Bachelor and Dancing with the Stars, has swine flu... [NYDN]
  
  
• ...And MSNBC's think Rycroft's announcing her swine flu for publicity. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Poor Fred Durst! Married three months and it's already over. [People]
  
  
• Just when you thought the Kanye/Taylor Swift scandal had gone to tabloid heaven, Taylor Swift hints that she may make fun of it when she hosts Saturday Night Live. Sounds like too easy a set-up. [Star]
  
  
• Sources say GQ photo-shopped January Jones' boobs to make them bigger, but photo editor Dora Samo insists Jones just uses what her mama gave her: "Yes, they're real. And they're spectacular." [Page Six]
  
  
• A second autopsy reveals that cocaine did not contribute to Billy Mays' death. Now, let's let the poor man's family rest. [NYDN]

• Jon Gosselin was the guest of honor at a pool party in Vegas. Whereas a pool party would sound like an enjoyable experience anywhere else, in Vegas, it's the sixth circle of hell. It looks something like this:

  Upon arriving on the red carpet, Gosselin told reporters, "It looks like we'll have a good time" – as 2,000 people danced and drank alcohol to the sounds of rock, hip hop and house music. Not everyone was necessarily happy to see him, though. As he walked on the red carpet, one bikinied woman stood on a railing and shouted, "Team Kate".

  Come on. Just, like, amazing. Note the detail of how she's in a bikini. Anyway, he got a bunch of numbers and apparently brought his mom there, too? This guy's just, yeah. The verdict's in. Team Kate, indeed. Oh, and MGM Hotel and Casino: Classy. [People]
  
  

• Meanwhile, Kate—even though her hair could use some, uh, toning down—put the rumors about her being with the family's bodyguard to rest. They had their own pool party with the bodyguard and his wife, and E! helpfully points out that he patrolled the perimeter on an ATV, playing watchdog over the family. Since Jon was, you know, in Vegas. [E!]
  
  
• Joe Francis says Brody Jenner has a small dick. First off: takes one to know one, BRAH. Second: the New York Times has some helpful news for Jenner! If he can't get it big, he might still be able to keep it up. Really, though, there's so much homoerotic tension between these guys. I've always secretly thought Girls Gone Wild is the kind of overcompensating shit someone deeply insecure about their sexuality would produce. Then again, who doesn't want a free hat, right? Community service. [D Listed]
  
  
• Kelly Preston pulled out of a "grief panel" where she was going to discuss the death of her son, Jett. Nope. No more. Maybe because she'd get asked a question about the sketchy circumstances surrounding it, including (but not limited to!) the Scientology cover-up of Jett's autism. Unfortunately, you can only get so many Roger Friedmans fired, and once you run out, there are no heads to be put on corporate platters! And that happened. [NYDN]
  
  
• Serena Williams and Common are hooking up? Did not know. There is, indeed, a light in celebrity gossip, sometimes. [Page Six]
  
  
• See this plastic bag? It's the most beautiful thing in the world. And it costs too much for me to ever have. Name the movie! American Beauty star Wes Bentley is defaulting on his AmEx for $90K. Maybe he can sell some weed to pay the bill? [TMZ]
  
  
• The first lady of oil-rich Gabon is in California living on food stamps? (A) Africa is crazy and (B) of course Page Six would pick this up. Love it. [Page Six]
  
  
• The guy from Sum 41 and Avril Lavigne are "headed for splitsville" according to the Daily News. They get Gabon and you get this? Weak, Daily News. Sorry, but you just can't compete with geopolitical scandelousness with Canadian pop-punksters. [NYDN]
  
  
• Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson don't talk about Twilight, like, ever. Dare not say they sacred name! Just like how media people never talk about the media. Really, though: I wonder if they're bigger Harry Potter fans. Don't forget, folks, Pattinson was Cedric Diggory waybackwhen. There's a distinct air of truth to this. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Tina Fey takes her FeyCay on Fire Island. Everyone there is apparently resisting the urge to make the Sarah Palin joke about Fire Island/Manhattan and Alaska/Russia. Which makes me concerned that the people in the Hamptons might be funnier. [Page Six]
  
  
• Albert Hammond Jr. of The Strokes sold his East Village pad for less than $1M (ouch?) and him an Agyness Deyn are gonna move into a hotel for a while. 3:1 on the Bowery Hotel, 8:1 on the Cooper Square, but if they drop into The Hotel on Rivington, every last remaining shred of indie cred: gone. [Page Six]
  
  
• Maybe I'm amazed that Paul McCartney still has the power to deal with all of these women coming in and out of his life. Then again, maybe I'm not, and he probably doesn't need your New York Times penile resuscitation squad to do so, thank you. His current lady, Nancy Shevell, is avoiding his last lady, Heather Mills, who's been stalking around his Amaganssett house. Which, I mean, pretty impressive, Heather Mills. Must get tiring, though, right? [Page Six]

And, on that note: happy Sunday. We'll leave it to the Walrus himself to take us out. Paul?

• Because we don't see enough of her, Lindsay Lohan's reportedly shopping a reality show. Said a source, "Her manager is helping Lohan with a potential reality show that will encapsulate her trials and tribulations as she gets back on her feet and actually becomes a working actress again." [Mirror]
  
  
• Redmond O'Neal, son of Ryan O'Neal and Farrah Fawcett, wants to star in a reality show. That is, after he gets out of a detention center, where he's trying to kick his raging drug problem. [NYDN]
  
  
• Chris Brown's post-Rihanna beating rehabilitation will include a year of domestic violence counseling at Virginia's Commonwealth Catholic Charities. If anyone can set him straight, its the nuns. [AP]
  
  
• Michael Jackson's family intended on burying him over the weekend, but have now decided to do the deed on a Thursday. And that decision will triple their costs, bringing the grand total to something around $150,000. [TMZ]
  
  
• Some insane fans of Robert Pattinson, the hunky Twilight star, put his face on a shower curtain. Now they can say, "I shower with Robert Pattison" and almost be telling the truth. [3am]
  
  
• Anne Heche railed against the institution of marriage on The Late Show. She's crazy, but we like her. [YouTube]
  
  
• Her rep insists it's hog wash, but an "insider" insists that actress Minka Kelly and baseball playing man Derek Jeter are engaged. [Page Six]
  
  
• Avril Lavigne and her husband Deryck Whibley are headed down the road to divorce, say sources. She apparently wanted time alone, but spent her time hanging out with "male admirers." [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Deformed music producer Scott Storch was kicked out of his Miami home when a bank took it back last week. Now he's living in Fort Lauderdale's W hotel. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jason Mewes, the actor better known as Jay from Kevin Smith's movies, attended the Degrassi Goes to Hollywood premire and revealed that he wants to touch Seth Rogan. [Zack Taylor]
  
  
• Dumb model Paulina Porizkova doesn't want people to think she's a dumb model, so she took to the web to name some of her favorite literary works. And they're all over 500 pages! [Page Six]
  
  
• Paul McCartney, we know you're a legend and all, but do we really need to see you getting fresh with your girlfriend at a baseball game. Really? [Daily Mail]

• Today's big Rush and Malloy scoop: Brad and Angelina are looking to get a pad in the Upper West Side. I know what you're thinking: we've been through this before, and we did not like the results. The sacrificial real estate envy of Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick cost so much emotionally to only have some computer nerd show up in their place. But Rush and Malloy are careful not to get your hopes up: the agents for the building is having problems selling the units, and they need to do so in order for the owner's offering plan to operate for another year. Anyway, I kind of don't want them here. Not that I'd prefer one celebrity over another, but at a certain point in New York, paparazzi nonsense begins to get in your way. Like, I'm sorry, but I don't want Brad and Angie Plus Three Imported Children And A Few Others Plus A Cabal Of Photogs pushing their way through Zabars while I try to get a bagel and not trip over the old bubbies who go there. Like, when you're in your neighborhood in New York, that kind of insane bullshit's the last thing you need. You're already paranoid and skittish and hungry enough as is. Also, can you imagine waiting in line at Gray's Papaya behind them? There are only two kinds of hot dogs, but seven kinds of juice, and you know they'd just take FOREVER to decide that they all want Coke and Angelina would make them drink Papaya juice and they'd all be crying and you'd just be like, for fuck's sake, I came to get a hot dog and now this? And then some vaguely European paparazzo would take a picture of you shoving a hotdog in your face and it would ruin Gray's Papaya for you. Just, like, ruin it. [Rush and Malloy]
  
  
• What? Partridge Family star Shirley Jones somehow made today's roundup. What did it take? The promise of nudity, of course. Jones was going to do a playboy spread until Hef saw the test shoot results and wanted to see more skin. So, Playboy subscribers, it's nice to know that the Hef is using your magazine as his own octogenarian porn vehicle, right? Okay, so, Jones is only 75. But still: Calendar Girls, ahoy. [Page Six]
  
  
• Paul McCartney couldn't reunite the Beatles, even with blow and Stevie Wonder. Paul McCartney came close to reuniting the Beatles on a coked-out night with Wonder and John Lennon. Now, take a deep breath, and one wild, insane guess as to why it didn't happen. Okay. Done guessing? If your answer doesn't rhyme with Foko Bono, it's wrong. What, you thought there was a problem with George Harrison or something? Honestly, the Walrus might've been Paul, but the blackbird of death was Yoko. [R & M]
  
  
• Also, Robert Plant is awesome and is being knighted for being awesome. [E!]
  
  
• Jeremy Piven was skeezing on Hayden Panettiere at the Entourage premiere on Thursday night. Away, old man. Seriously. Also, like every other Entourage-related item that's appeared anywhere, Jerry Ferrara (Turtle) was seen "cuddling" or something with Jamie Lynn-Sigler. If you don't watch the show, well, they're together on the show and in real life. And it is ridiculous-cute and gives hope to rotund, hat-wearing underachievers with bad nicknames that stick forever everywhere that one day they, too, may date Meadow Soprano. [Page Six]
  
  
• William Shatner couldn't get in on the Star Trek franchise revival feature, but he is wanted for the TJ Hooker version of this. Go figure. To be the Shat is a life lived curiously examined. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ah, yes: the lame sequel to yesterday's item about Jennifer Aniston shooting at the Daily News. You get to hear about how exciting and not contrived it was to work in a "real newsroom" and be issues "fake Daily News ID cards" and how Jennifer Aniston snacked on string cheese. Seriously. Way to bring the hurt, Daily News. Gossip fail. Oh, and really sad for the lack of crossover between the Rush and Malloy UWS scoop and this. Something like "Jennifer's sad and slaving it away with the rest of us hacks while her ex-mans, lady, and twelve kids are checking out a slick UWS pad and noshing on some Gray's Papaya." [Daily News]
  
  
• Brody Jenner's girlfriend, some Jayde Nicole person whose name or existence I don't understand, was trying to convince someone, somewhere that The Hills is real. This is like that time someone tried to convince you that visits to the proctologist are a blast, and you were like, no, but, you know, maybe? And then you were like, WTF, NO. [E!]
  
  
• Debbie Rowe is going to the custody hearing of Michael Jackson's children, and this somehow constitutes a People item. Then again, it's People. And here I am, linking to them. Is there an over-under on how long this thing's going to dominate the gossip newscycle? There's got to be a lottery somewhere. I'm going to take two years, to be replaced by the revelation that Ron Burkle is actually a Clinton stepbrother. Longshot, I know, but I think it'd do the trick. Who's got $10 to throw down? Oh, and also, Michael Jackson didn't want his Dad to come even remotely close to his children. God, wonder why. [People and Celebrity Spy]
  
  
• Ryan Reynolds has been cast as the Green Lantern, and I haven't. Reminder: he's also married to Scarlett Johannsen and used to be with Alanis Morisette. How good is your life? [D-Listed]
  
  
• Page Six Gossip Cindy Adams hates The Hamptons. Now, normally, I'd tell you to avoid reading Cray-Cray Aunt Cindy's column because it's totally batshit old lady nonsense, but this is quite wonderful: she talks about going to garage sales in the Hamptons and explains how she acquired a pair of white fur Yak boots, among other things. Also, this: "I hate country and ants and air and the need to attend another art-gallery opening every weekend or some do-gooder esoteric charity event like, maybe, The Care and Feeding of The Endangered White Rhino of Tanzania." Today, you're Mama Cindy. Truth, Mama. Truth. [Page Six]

In the old days, when "William Ayers" was just a whisper on the winds of the future instead of a frequent shriek during the 10am television hour, our dear young Lizzie (do we think she was a Lizzie? Maybe a Beth?) was a White Album-obsessed braceface who would eventually graduate from Boston College with a concentration on large paintings and industrial design. Who knew? And what happened? She pulled one of those teenage paintings out of storage to impress McCartney (the inadvertent Ringo to her Marge), who was no doubt touched by her extremely literal, insectoid rendering of The Beatles. "And those jars," McCartney remarked. "Are those a reference to..." "...The failings of liberal groupthink, yes," Hasselbeck answered. "Also, we has just learned to paint jars in my Oils and Acrylics elective."

• The View [ABC]

• Someone in Toronto has Tom Cruise's BlackBerry. The Church of Scientology will disavow any knowledge of the actions needed to get it back in the event an agent is caught or killed. [P6]
• Vegetarian animal-rights-campaign Paul McCartney is too much of a hippie pansy to kill off the rampaging army of wild boars breeding on his British estate. Neighbors worry the delicious animals "could kill someone." [Sun]

• If CNN is so fat and flush, why did it "part ways" with the guy in charge of hiring people? Please tell us it's because he wasn't hiring people fast enough. Because CNN is the last best hope.
• Anna Wintour went to the opera with "Shelby Bryant" or Shelby Bryan? Solve the riddle, Page Six!
• Cipriani: Our menu is so controversial it sent the owner into exile. In Uruguay! [P6]
• Cameron Diaz "totally scoped... out" Keri Russell's carpenter husband at an Oscar party. And Keri Russell so did not feel threatened. [Daily Star]

• Sean Penn kissed a man for a movie, and for some reason sent an excited, rhyming text message to Madonna about it. [Fametastic]
• David Spade also sent a text message to his ex-girlfriend, Heather Locklear, because he wanted to make sure she's OK after her drunk driving arrest, and nothing says "I care" like a "U OK? LOL!" [Us]
• Jude Law told everyone he was in London vacationing with his kids, but really he was holed up in his New York hotel room with a dancer for days on end. Like he can't do that anywhere. [P6]
• Angelina Jolie confirms she is demanding more babies. Brad Pitt just looks so exhausted. [Mail]
• Do not offer Tom Arnold a Diet Coke, unless you're some sort of undermining monster. The man's in recovery. [Daily Star]
• Paul McCartney wrote a very special song for Heather Mills. [P6]
• The Philadelphia woman hired by Oprah to run her South African girls' school is suing the talk-show host for defamation. Oprah is accused of saying on TV that the woman covered up abuse at the school. [People]
• Courtney Love supposedly had "gastric band surgery" because she thought she was fat. [Hollyscoop]

• Sad Tori Spelling is un-joining the 90210 spinoff because she's making like half as much as Shannen Doherty. Which is unfair because Spelling wrote a bestseller! Wait, really? (Yes. Sigh.) [Deadline Hollywood]
• A blogger successfully pissed off a real-life princess! Very awesome, New York Social Diary. [P6]
• Katie Holmes skipped a huge Scientology party in LA to take her daughter to see Mary Poppins in New York, where she's preparing for her Broadway debut in All My Sons. What does she have against flying on Tom Cruise's jet to Tom Cruise's crazy Scientology party?? [X17]
• Tom Cruise told Ben Stiller, "I want to have big hands," then did a crazy dance. Stiller: "If this thing was on YouTube, it would be all over the world." [Scoop, second item]
• Courtenay Semel, who is a lesbian and the daughter of the ex-CEO of Yahoo and who does spell her name like that, is officially having a fling with Tila Tequila. But she at least admits it's a publicity stunt. (Not being a lesbian, but being a Tila Tequila lesbian.) [P6]
• Paul McCartney might marry Nancy Shevell of the Hamptons. [Oh No They Didn't]
• Bill Cosby's daughter Evin, who has a boutique in Tribeca, has been told "you speak like a white woman," so she can totally relate to Barack Obama. In fact, maybe she should try emailing him about that! [R&M]
• Diane von Furstenburg, the designer and the wife of IAC honcho Barry Diller, made inappropriately racy dresses for Mena Suvari. [P6]
• Lindsay Lohan requested the song "I kissed a girl" from Samantha Ronson, so let's all giggle. [Mirror]
• Gloria Gaynor is re-recording "I Will Survive," for some reason. Be afraid! Be petrified! [New York]
• Alex Rodriguez donated "at least" $500,000 to Madonna's charity for children in Malawi, supposedly. [R&M]

• David Lauren, the Jewish fashion scion barred from Jenna Bush's wedding, hit on some other woman while girlfriend Lauren Bush was at the nuptials, so grandpa and grandma Bush were totally right about him being a non-commital dirty old man, according to the right-leaning Post. This piece of gossip sounds like a total slam dunk. [P6]
• Leven Rambin of All My Childen reportedly threw herself at actor Shia LaBeouf and everything turned out "just as she hoped it would." [Daily News]
• Lexus offered Paul McCartney an environmentally friendly hybrid limousine, and he accepted, because he didn't realize the vehicle would be sent to him by airplane, "creating a carbon footprint almost 100 times bigger than if it was shipped." [Showbiz Spy]
• Freedom hater Oliver Stone's critical George W. Bush biopic? Totally funded by the Chinese, Germans and, worst of all, AUSTRALIANS. [P6]
• Beyoncé, who married fellow musician Jay-Z just over a month ago, is now pregnant, supposedly. An associate figured this out when she gained some weight and did not do the "Def Jam detox," whatever that means. [P6]
• Anne Hathaway's Italian boyfriend is off the hook for writing a $215,000 check against an account with just $39.08 in it, so she can stop crying to the police about it. [P6]
• Rapper Remy Ma's fiancée Papoose tried to sneak a handcuff key into their jailhouse wedding but was caught, so no ceremony was allowed. Def Jam detox time! [P6]
• On Britney Spears' latest How I Met Your Mother cameo: "The fact that Britney’s second guest spot really didn’t work was no fault of hers. She’s not at all bad at playing clunkily-sweetly dumb... But the script was an awful piece of specialty construction." [People]
• The headline is sufficient: "Pete Doherty Sought Help After Trying To Kill Cat With Shovel." [Showbiz Spy]

"Mariah is now able to walk again after she received the help of British couple Robin and Inna Barratt, who launched a fund-raising campaign on her behalf. 'Heather rang us and emailed us repeatedly with promises to pay for Maria’s legs,' Robin tells Britain’s News of The World newspaper. 'But every single promise she made fell flat. In the end, she never did anything at all [...] all her big promises came to nothing. It was shocking behavior.'” [ShowbizSpy]

The photos were supposedly taken to "promote her anti-landmine charity work" and a source claims they were never used because of Mills' budding relationship with McCartney. But we believe it had more to do with the fact that they were just incredibly ill-conceived. Were they supposed to go on posters? Well, she's naked, so that wouldn't work. In magazines? She wasn't famous, so no to that. Online for creepy fetishists who want to bone a one-legged lady? Yes, but probably not the demographic you want for your landmine charity.

Now, we don't mean to criticize Mills too much. After all, she's been through experiences most of us will never know firsthand. But someone who can identify with her, Yoko Ono, recently defended Mills to the media, saying, "It's not very easy for a woman to be associated with The Beatles. I think all the wives did suffer, but suffered quietly and endured." Associated with The Beatles? Suffering quietly? Yes, that definitely describes Paul's wife. His wife Linda McCartney. In fact, while attending a recent gallery opening of his real wife's photos (on the tenth anniversary of her tragic death from cancer) Paul said of Linda, "She was so funny, smart and talented." We can only assume these are traits Paul missed while married to a woman who is none of those things. Oh wait, we were supposed to be not criticizing her...

• Mucca bares the lot [News Of The World]

• While in a British courtroom, during her divorce from Paul McCartney, Heather Mills poured a pitcher of water on one of the ex-Beatle's lawyers. The Times has a scandalous courtroom sketch of the whole thing because they shamelessly support sketch-artist-paparazzi. [Times]
• Courtney Love is supposedly moving to London. "I am fed up with Los Angeles. It's dirty and full of crazy people." [HollyScoop]
• Paris Hilton: "I love Africa in general — South Africa and West Africa, they are both great countries." [Sun]
• Fresh off his relationship with ShopVogue's Jessica Joffe, scruffy singer and internet open book Ryan Adams is dating actress Mandy Moore, and they probably hooked up when he was still with Joffe. This totally calls for a poem, Ryan. [NYM]
• French president Nicolas Sarkozy's recent ex was married in New York's Rainbow Room to a PR executive. The night before, everyone went to Mamma Mia. [People]
• Musician Pete Wentz tried to kill himself after recording a major-label record a while back. [Splash]
• Here are pictures of the Hills' Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt wearing bunny ears at Easter. "Could they be any more fake??" [IsThisHappening]
• TV host Tyra Banks has a stalker who carries around a big bag of magazine clippings about her. The scary thing is that she carries around her own, even bigger bag of Tyra Banks clippings. The woman is fierce. [Splash]

• OMG Paris Hilton is finally saving African kids with her beautiful love, just like she promised! Oh wait, the kids go to a private school and are wealthy. Paris' way too fashionable clothes don't even look dirty. Nice try, liar. [Faded Youth]
• Singer Britney Spears is going to open her own dance studio, even though she could give the troubled American economy a boost by going insane again. [Perez]
• When not recruiting innocent inner-city kids into Scientology, or aggressively reproducing, model Kimora Lee Simmons is saying insane things about turning her dog into a diamond. There is actually a company that will do that, probably almost entirely for crazy rich celebrities. [Hollyscoop]
• A lady was almost killed by crazed, stampeding Oprah Winfrey fans, who pushed her down some stairs. Everyone was scrambling for a seat on the show. This can't be a rare occurrence. [TMZ]
• Heather Mills, Beatle Paul McCartney's ex wife, is hated by the entire population of the British isles, judging by the no-doubt-objective tabloid coverage of her. The heartless monster's latest outrage is sending her four-year-old daughter on an airplane flight in the back of the plane instead of first class. [Sun]
• Actress Tori Spelling is eager to relive her 90210 days. "Maybe I could be one of the main character's young step mom." [People]
• Actress Lindsay Lohan is rushing to her ailing grandfather via private jet. [E Online]

• Singer Paul McCartney's ex Heather Mills was awarded $49 million after four years of marriage. The blog Knife Tricks estimates that's $43,000 per screw — way, way more than so-called-high-priced whore Ashley Dupre ever charged. Apparently Mills wanted even more.
• Ex-Beatle McCartney can pay since he basically sweats hundred-dollar bills — he's worth around 387 million pounds, which is like a billion trillion worthless American dollars. [Sun]
• Do NOT ask Lindsay Lohan to pose in front of Paris Hilton accessories! The Mean Girls star and Hilton rival will throw a "fit." [Daily News]
• Do NOT compare Sarah Jessica Parker to a horse and call her the unsexiest woman in the world! The Sex and the City star will fill with rage and anger. Her husband Matthew Broderick will question his sexuality. [P6]
• Like gullible actor Will Smith, talk show host Oprah Winfrey does not mind financial involvement with crazy Scientologists: She signed a deal with TV star Kirstie Alley and might give Alley her own show. Might? Is Alley going to produce, like, a poignant and unexpected Founding Father biopic instead?
• Singer Britney Spears in How I Met Your Mother TV cameo: "Can’t we have sex and then go shopping?" Ironic because: Spears ex Adnan Ghlaib now saying he never had sex with Spears, pitied her. [Sun]
• Spears is back into Kabbalah, allegedly. [X17]
• Singer-junkie Amy Winehouse was offered either $1 million or one million pounds to perform in front of Vogue editor Anna Wintour and movie stars George Clooney and Julia Roberts at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Or she wasn't.
• Halle Berry's baby daughter is called Nahla Ariela Aubry. Nahla is an Arabic-derived word meaning "honeybee." In modern English it means "destined to be so very hot." [P6]
• Model Kate Moss licked her rocker boyfriend's neck and stuffed a bottle of wine in her handbag after a "boozy" lunch. Paris is awesome. [Sun]

• Shaquille O'Neal has filed for divorce from his wife Shaunie, accusing her of being "secretive about her assets. [TMZ]
  
• Tobey Maguire wisely made an honest woman out of Universal Studios heiress Jennifer Mayer. [Us Weekly]
  
• Nicole Kidman was briefly secretly engaged to Lenny Kravitz. Like, "ooh." [Page Six]
  
• Note to nightclub staff: When Tommy Lee asks you, "Is it okay to have sex in here?" he's not kidding around. [Page Six]
  
• Paul McCartney's dating Renee Zellweger? [R&M, second item]
  
• Drew Barrymore made out with Justin "Mac Guy" Long! [R&M, second item]
  

After a few performances [of Jekyll and Hyde], I got together with Frank Wildhorn, and found him supportive and gracious. He gave me his feedback and made several helpful suggestions. I found that the part of Hyde was easy, compared with trying to find my way into Jekyll. It was interesting to note that after each show the girls wanted to meet Hyde. There was a definite sexual attraction to him—they loved his long wild hair and his evil nature.

I was getting lonely, so Pam and my daughters unselfishly moved to New York to be with me, for which I will always be grateful. After dropping the girls off at their school each morning, I would go jogging in Central Park. We bought a new wiener puppy, Sir Henry von Hasselhoff. I took him back to the pet store to get his shots. Paul McCartney and his then girlfriend Heather Mills were having coffee in a sidewalk cafe. Paul called me over.

"Just so you know," he said, "she was looking at the dog."

"Just so you know," I said, "I was looking at her."

London Bridge may not be falling down anymore, but the ratings of Paul McCartney's temporary missus are. Over steak and kidney pie, one Brit lady opined: "She says he hit her? If so, it might be the first time I favor wife abuse."

Hahahahaha! You know what's funnier than wife-beating? Marital rape! Too bad Cindy couldn't get someone to make a joke about that!

SOME BRITS FROWN UPON HEATHER MILLS [NYP]