• Holy fucking shit. Are you guys sitting down? Or are you reading the internet in your kitchen, the laptop on the counter, your crumby sad bits falling into the sink and your cat looking at you suspiciously? If that's the case, get the hell out of the kitchen and into my breakfast nook because I have some goddamned news for you. OK. Good. Everyone settled? Here it is. I'm gonna lay it on ya. Paul Newman might have been... a drunk. Holy fantasticats, did your window just blow out? Is your hair standing on end like you just did some shitty science experiment in the Degrassi opening credits? Isn't that a mindfuck to end all mindfucks? Paul Newman, an old actor who is now dead, gets a full page treatment about how he was maybe a drunk. Newspapers = awesome again. Thanks, Page Six. You do good work. [P6]
• Emmy Rossum, a nobody who was a celebrity for like three seconds a few years ago, likes firemen. "Handsome men! Handsome men!" she was heard yelling like a dog barking at a car when a firetruck drove by during a recent red carpet appearance. She then ran down the street, braying at them and waving her little handbag. When a pizza delivery car sped past she started yelling "swarthy men! swarthy men!" and doing her Dominos Dots dance. This continued for hours. After a cable repair van had gone by and she'd finished yelling "men with vague senses of failure! men with vague senses of failure!", Rossum was humanely put to sleep. [P6]
• You know who's done with politics? Nicolle Wallace, the campaign adviser to a pile of logs that someone carelessly peed on, then threw an old suit over. Wallace just doesn't think that she can work for the pile of logs, which was given the human name of Sarah Palin recently, because it's just too damn much. Instead the insidious bitch is going to make fake-fucks with her Republican lawyer husband and have IVF babies and write a chick-lit piece of shit about career ladies until our eyes bleed and our hearts fall out. There is no sadder or scarier story than an item about Sarah Palin's former campaign adviser making miniature versions of herself. [P6]
• Oh for the love of God. Here's a heartwarming story about shitty, ruined America. Some sad fucker who was a two-time American Idol cast-off—her name is Miranda Tozier-Robbins and she is from the helliest hell hole of all hell holes, Fitchburg, MA—was the one arrested recently for peering into Britney Spears' windows while she had camera equipment strapped to her back. We already knew that the damn Idol show was a shadow hut for horrifying scary crazy people, like the one who snuffed herself outside Perla Irdool's house, so this is just sad further confirmation. Do you think you can sing? Do you have a lot of time on your hands? Do you have a strange grudge/love for Randy Jackson, Paula Abdul, or Simon Cowell? Well then you're probably going to find yourself in camo gear, lurking around one of their houses, three thousand miles from where your ass lives, because oh god almighty who the hell knows why. I hate you, America. [NYDN]
• Aw, Spencer Pratt thinks he's people. The malformed star of The Hills has heard that famous people are doing things so he wants to play along! You know who Ashton Kutcher is? Oh you do? I'm so sorry. Well, he has a Twitter account and it recently got 1 million followers, which is fucking insane, and basically what had happened was that he bet CNN that he could do it and he did it and now... I don't know. Demi will shoot ping-pong balls out of her rusty bagina while Wolf Blitzer cries in a corner. I'm not sure. But anyway! What this means for Spencer is that he's decided to challenge Ashton to a Twitter race, make it a bet, and set the sad parameters before Ashton has even agreed. (Which he won't do.) If Spencer gets more followers in the next 30 days than dumb Kelso, then Hair and his Old Ass Wife have to wash Spencer and Heidi Montag's car, which is an old jalopy they bought from some red-headed dunderhead high school student named Archie. He had a boner and was talking about some chick named Veronica. Also! If Ashton and his Ancient Bog Mummy Bride win the Twitter contest, then Heidi and Spencer will clean their mansion. Spencer, this is basically like pooping in a stranger's foyer and asking for a receipt. You can't start a bet when the other person isn't in on it. That's not the way the human world works. Once again: I hate you, America. [Us]
• Sizzling tennis star Andy Roddick got married to his longtime girlfriend last night. His longtime girlfriend? A 21-year-old model named Brooklyn Decker. Her asshat sisters, Bronx Fuckface and Queens Abagnale, were on hand as flower girls. [Us]
• Jennifer Garner, a celebrity I like, doesn't want a big 37th birthday party, so cancel the clown. She just wants to do it simple: chillax in her big ass mansion with her movie star husband and their two improbably adorable children and watch the glimmergiraffes and the sparkleponies play water polo in the backyard, as they've been trained to do by their magical Azerbaijani spirit animal trainer, Dr. Lucas Grabeel. [People]

1. Try finding another leading man as charismatic as Paul Newman — who can ice skate. And, in the spirit of the original, he's got to pull off a crusty, ex-pro player/coach pushing 50 who can credibly oversee a rogue Charlestown Chiefs squad of misfits, hacks and ne'er-do-wells. And charm the ladies. And do his own skating. Never. Happen.

2. Weren't the sequels punishment enough? It took 25 years for some dark-hearted cynic at Universal to realize the studio hadn't bludgeoned its cult classic into franchise submission, but they made the most of the travesty in 2002, toplining Stephen Baldwin in the straight-to-DVD abortion Slap Shot 2: Breaking the Ice. When you thought it couldn't get any worse, Leslie Fucking Nielsen showed up last year to drive the Slap Shot 3: The Junior League nail into Newman's casket. We understand no legacy is safe in Hollywood, but in these punishing economic times, let's be responsible. Plunder Bull Durham or something for a while.

3. You can't replace the Hanson Brothers. Tempting as it may be to rope in some of the modern NHL's most outlandish characters as the Chiefs' infamous "retards," let's face it: People love the Hansons. It's not like Universal can go out, put black-rimmed glasses Sean Avery, Todd Bertuzzi and Claude Lemieux, and throw them in the locker room to deliver indelible (and NSFW) scenes like this:

4. Dean Parisot is no George Roy Hill. Director Hill was no genius. But for five films between Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid and Slap Shot, he was one of the '70s most expert arbiters of tone, character and action, winning an Oscar for The Sting in 1973 but arguably topping out with this ensemble comedy that perfectly captured the lower-middle-class angst of late-'70s America. Parisot, who's attached to direct the new version, parlayed his own 1988 Oscar for the Steven Wright short The Appointments of Dennis Jennings into the sterling efforts of Galaxy Quest and his most recent remake horror, Fun with Dick and Jane. Well done, Universal.

5. Everyone will have to wear helmets. Safety first, we know. But imagine this extraordinary sequence working with the entire cast's faces obscured:

God, please make it stop.

• Parisot skates to 'Slap Shot' remake [Variety]

He was 76 when I worked with him on Road to Perdition. Conrad Hall was the cinematographer. He was about Paul’s age, maybe slightly younger, and he’d also shot Harper, Cool Hand Luke, and Butch Cassidy, so he had seen Paul from the age of 40, and there they were in their seventies, still shooting together. It was very moving. At one point he was shooting a close-up of Paul looking into a fire, and I turned round and Conrad was crying as he lit the shot.

I asked him what was the matter, and he just said, “He was so beautiful.” And I said, “Well, he’s beautiful now!” And he said, “Yeah, but he was so beautiful.” I think he was crying for both of them. But whereas Conrad, you see, was sort of not at peace with the idea of death and growing older, Paul said several times, “Yeah, I’ve had some great innings, it’s about time I give all this up. It’s all a bit silly.” There was this real sense of grace and dignity. He had nothing left to prove. He knew what a fortunate and wonderful life he had led, and he was very willing to admit that. That really lent him an aura of a minor deity to me. He had sort of ascended already.

That's just the first segment; there's much more where it came from. And while our job is to perhaps summarize this in some pithy, innocuous way, some stories really just demand telling themselves. So bravo, Mr. Mendes, and for what will in all likelihood be the last time, RIP, Mr. Newman. That is all.

• Sam Mendes Tells His Best Paul Newman Stories [Source]

• People snagged those Clay Aiken baby pictures for $500,000 after newly-frugal OK! dropped out of the bidding. [P6]
• Janet Jackson was hospitalized after getting sick right before a concert. [AP]
• Cindy Adams had Republican operative Ed Rollins walk through how Sarah Palin would be prepped for the debates, if the purely hypothetical case she were anything like a normal vice presidential candidate. [Post]
• When she was a beauty pageant contestant,Palin used to stick plaster over her nipples to keep her nipples from showing,one of her fellow contestants said. [R&M]
• Some whiny West Village busybody actually thought Page Six would care that Blake Lively lets her poodle run around the sidewalk off-leash, because that's against the rules. And that busybody was correct! [P6]
• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are considering adopting a seventh child, this time for the benefit of the continent of South America. [Daily Mail]
• A rich guy is giving $25,000 for Howard Stern's fiancee to run a marathon. [P6]
• Britney Spears re-denied the recurring rumor that she made a sex tape with Adnan Ghalib. The singer did say she plans a world tour next year. And yet Spears' lawyers said she's too crazy to stand trial for driving without a license.
• Katie Holmes has switched from her baggy, trendsetting "boyfriend jeans" to bell bottoms. She's just cycling through the fashion trends (and nostalgic outbreaks) of the last 20 years at her own pace. [Sun]
• Paul Newman has already been cremated and his funeral convened. [P6]
• George Michael is going on an African safari to deal with his drug and public-bathroom sex issues. [Fametastic]

"Paul Newman played many unforgettable roles. But the ones for which he was proudest never had top billing on the marquee. Devoted husband. Loving father. Adoring grandfather. Dedicated philanthropist... Always and to the end, Dad was incredibly grateful for his good fortune. In his own words: 'It's been a privilege to be here.' He will be profoundly missed by those whose lives he touched, but he leaves us with extraordinary inspiration to draw upon. During this difficult time, we ask for privacy for our family." — Statement from Newman's and Joanne Woodward's three daughters Elinor, Melissa and Claire.

"I was blessed to have known him. The world is better because of him. Sometimes God makes perfect people and Paul Newman was one of them." - Sally Field, Newman's costar in Absence of Malice.

"Paul was a very fine actor and a really good race driver. But mostly, he personified humanity—always taking care of those who were less fortunate. For me, this will be his legacy." - David Letterman

"He set the bar too high for the rest of us. Not just actors, but all of us." - George Clooney

"He was my hero." - Julia Roberts

"Paul Newman was the ultimate cool guy who men wanted to be like and women adored. He was an American icon, a brilliant actor, a Renaissance man and a generous but modest philanthropist. He entertained millions in some of Hollywood's most memorable roles ever, and he brightened the lives of many more, especially seriously ill children, through his charitable works. Paul was one of a kind. The beloved film star will be missed by a world of fans and admirers. Maria and I send our thoughts and prayers to his wife, Joanne Woodward, his entire family and his many friends." - Arnold Schwarzenegger

"He was a master of his craft—an artist respected and emulated by his peers and beloved by movie fans around the world." - Dan Glickman, chairman of the Motion Picture Association of America

"Paul was an American icon, philanthropist and champion for children. We will miss our dear friend, whose continued support always meant the world to us. Our prayers and thoughts are with Joanne and the Newman family and the many people who Paul impacted through his endless kindness and generosity." - Bill and Hilary Clinton

"All who knew him, worked with him and who have been touched by his kindness and generosity are extremely fortunate. It was Paul's dream that the camps continue to thrive and provide laughter to children who need it most, and we will keep that dream alive." - Statement from the Association of Hole in the Wall Camps, which Newman founded in 1988 for children with serious medical needs.

[ETonline and Eonline]

Newman will likely be remembered as much for his philanthropic contributions as he will for his storied acting career. As a result of the success of his Newman's Own brand of salad dressings, popcorn and pasta sauces, he donated more than $250 million to various charities —including the Scott Newman Center, devoted to anti-drug education— over the course of the last twenty-plus years.

We leave you with what is one of our favorite on-screen moments of Newman's acting career, the legendary "No man can eat 50 eggs" scene from Cool Hand Luke.

[Photo Credit: AFP]

• Actor Paul Newman dies at 83 [LAT]

Professional accomplishments aside, Newman was also one half of one of Hollywood's greatest love stories. He married his Long Hot Summer co-star Joanne Woodward in 1958, and they stayed married for the rest of his life. Asked about adultery, he once remarked, "Why would I go out for hamburger when I have steak at home?"

As a humanitarian, he stumped for Eugene McCarthy in 1968 and called it "the single highest honor I've ever received" when he landed on Nixon's Enemies List. In 1982, he founded the Newman's Own brand with writer and Hemingway biographer A.E. Hotchner, selling everything from salad dressing to a really fine limeaid, with all profits going to charity. To date, the company has given away more than $200 million. [CNN]

• So remember how John McCain tried to somehow make an unflattering association between Paris Hilton and Barack Obama? It turns out Paris Hilton's parents have been funneling money to McCain! Thanks a lot WALNUTS. Did you forget the idle rich are kind of a key Republican constituency or something? [Oh No They Didn't]
• Britney Spears has been hanging out in a Mexico hotel swimming pool with her 26-year old bodyguard, who she is now dating. He's an Israeli army vet and the fourth member of the singer's staff she has hooked up with. In the meantime, she let her restraining order against ex Sam Lutfi lapse, but doesn't want him coming around, so had her lawyer call Lutfi by his real first name "Osama."
• Although Paul Newman's neighbor recanted an AP interview in which he said the actor has cancer, Newman looks mighty frail in these recent photos. [Mail]
• Huge political scandal in Australia you guys: "Australian prime minister Kevin Rudd descended from thieves... underwear and sugar thieves and forgers." Just kidding, that's actually trendy down there right now. Seriously.
• Sad Ed McMahon is losing his not only his house and but now also a divorce lawyer he allegedly didn't pay. [Post]

But then we were referred over to the blog belonging to Oregonian film critic Shawn Levy, a genuine authority who's neck deep in a Newman biography and recently offered vague confirmation of his own:

I have known for a while that Newman was very ill, probably with cancer, and today the Internet is flooded with the news that it's lung cancer and that it's not good; there aren't very good sources on any of these stories, and nobody has any shocking exclusives, but given what I know I find every word of them credible. ... He's 83, and his next birthday is in January, and we can only hope he'll make it. I suspect I'll be writing an obituary before I hold a copy of my book in my hand.

Well, Shawn, when you put it like that... Though we guess it's not like it could get any sadder, anyway.

[Photo Credit: Getty Images]

• Paul Newman Has Cancer: AP Stands By Story Despite Newman's Hedging [AP]
• Going, Gently or Otherwise, into That Good Night [Mad About Movies]

• Anne Hathaway made a CD of her own songs for her slimy Italian boyfriend's birthday. "I've done things for him I never thought I could do for anyone." [Showbiz Spy]
• The French guy who climbed the Times building the other day would like a congratulatory handshake from New York's technocrat mayor, never imagining he is a cyborg without a human soul. [Post]
• Boy George will play a free concert in Brooklyn for New York sanitation workers Aug. 17. He did community service with them over five days in 2006 and apparently has kept in touch. [Post]
• Katie Holmes may have to end her Broadway run after three months because she may be pregnant, or about to become pregnant, with Tom Cruise's baby. And you've got to start the auditing early. Like, pre-natal early. [Showbiz Spy]
• So it turns out Tatum O'Neal was drinking an iced, non-alcoholic beverage the other day, not white wine as People.com had it. Called it!
• Everyone's been giving the British police hell for letting basketcase singer Amy Winehouse abuse illegal drugs in front of basically the entire world, but it turns out the bobbies actually had a brilliant strategy: Bide their time, then arrest Winehouse's dealers, surely the richest criminals in the entire country ever. Way to shore up your budget! [Daily Star]
• Winehouse is notorious for missing concert dates, but now she's scheduled to play for an oligarch in Russia for $2 million, and something tells me the Russian oligarchs have ways of making junkie divas keep their appointments. [P6]
• Remember how the Associated Press was going to start collecting "high-quality," journalistically-kosher celebrity dirt? It turns out Hollywood gossip is a bit harder to nail down than AP thought. The news wire must be SHOCKED to learn that sources — like the neighbor who told AP Paul Newman had cancer — change their stories at the drop of a hat.
• Historical figure and LA police beat-down victim Rodney King will appear on Celebrity Rehab. [AP]

The acclaimed actor is said to have been diagnosed at New York's Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center, where he is currently receiving outpatient treatment and is under a leading New York oncologist's care. One of the few to know about Newman's illness is his Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid costar and good pal, Robert Redford.

Meanwhile, neither the hospital nor Newman's rep has confirmed the reports. We'll hope for the best, shoot a round of 9-ball at lunch in his honor, and pass more word along as it comes in.

• Paul Newman is reportedly very ill with cancer [LAT]