1.) 105-year-old celebrates birthday at male revue

Love her. I also love her door-knocker earrings, purple nails, and Baby Phat track suit.

2.) Glassy-eyed Fanilow
Paula Abdul attended a Barry Manilow concert, where Entertainment Tonight caught up with her backstage.

3.) Hailey Glassman
Jon Gosselin's girlfriend was on The Insider this week to discuss how hard it is being famous. In this clip, she pays Kate Gosselin a compliment, then insults her, then goes into detail about when Jon first stuck his ween in her.

4.) Boys don't cry.
Mary Hart tried her damnedest—during her exclusive interview with Chaz Bono regarding his sex reassignment process—to get Chaz to break down and cry over how horrible all of this must've been for him. Chaz wouldn't bite. It's kinda great watching him kind of get off on being withholding.

5.) Big-ass joint
In the History Channel's docu-drama Manson, the reenactment of Dennis Wilson getting high with the Family seemed cartoonish.

6.) Man down, code 10!
Keyshia Cole's mom Frankie hosted BET's Red Carpet pre-show for the Hip Hop Awards.

7.) Babs!
She was in rare form this week.

Really rare.

8.) Holly Montag
Who would've thought that Heidi's sister would turn out to spike the punch of The Hills with her dance "fights."

9.) "Nuptial Decadence"
Why does that term sound so delicious?

10.) Ew.
I don't know which is more disturbing: the fact that the woman in this commercial is afraid of her husband, or the fact that frozen mussels actually exist.

1.) Janice Dickinson
The Insider has a new format sort of based on The View's "Hot Topics," in which the "news" correspondents and a celebrity guest debate bullshit tabloid stuff. The show describes it as "entertainment news with opposing views." Janice Dickinson was the guest on Wednesday, and they really need to just give her the job permanently, because she has finally found her perfect calling.

On Jon Gosselin:

On Whitney Houston:

On confusing saying the word "jackass" and acting like one:

2.) Bobby Brown's body is "pure"

What does Janice think of him?

3.) New Judge Judy episodes!
It's been a cruel summer without some new JJ. Thankfully the new season has returned to dispense the most practical advice in the world.

4.) "Get off your period, dude."
On The Real World: Cancun reunion show, Emilee almost got all L7.

5.) Police work stinks for women

6.) Why did Kim look like Dracula's girlfriend?

Oh, and of course, this.

7.) "Get ready for the fashion show!"

8.) They're just not that into you.
On True Life: I'm Polyamorous, three gay men were in one relationship with each other, but one of them is totally the outcast.

The outcast's solution was to add one more guy into the mix, to a balance. Once he found a suitable candidate, he brought him home to meet his boyfriends, and it all worked out for the best.

9.) How not to raise children.

10.) Paula Abdul

She needs a pageant mom for some stability.

Pink's "Get This Party Started" accompanied Abdul's entrance and, considering the lyrics, — "I'm Coming Up" — makes us wonder whether Abdul was trying to intimate that Ellen has a big ego. Plus, "I'm coming up" sounds like "coming out," which could be a dig at Ellen's lesbian ways. Then, looking back earlier in the day, Abdul said that American Idol would be a "different show" with Ellen in the judge's seat.

If you ask us, that sounds like a backhanded compliment from a woman whose love of money cost her a position in America's biggest spotlight. Now she's forced to make a spectacle of herself while dressed as the woman who replaced her.

But, have to admit: Abdul does do a knock-out job mimicking Ellen's mannerisms.

DeGeneres, who has to be the hardest working woman in show business, is absolutely ecstatic over the news.

I'm thrilled to be the new judge on American Idol. I've watched since the beginning, and I've always been a huge fan. So getting this job is a dream come true, and think of all the money I'll save from not having to text in my vote.

We too are thrilled thrilled, because it's just plain wonderful DeGeneres got this gig. First, she fulfills something we feared would be lost in Abdul's absence: genuine niceness. Sure, that Kara DioGuardi chick likes to pretend she's nice, but her condescending tone reveals her true colors. Abdul, though a bit off-kilter, brought some tenderness to an otherwise cut throat competition. As cynical and hard-hearted as we can be, it's nice to get a little unadulterated excitement every once in a while.

Another reason DeGeneres gives us a thrill: she's a lesbian. Shocking, yes, but it's true. After homosexual Adam Lambert made it so far last season, Idol producers are now publicly acknowledging — or, at least, accepting — the show's innate gayness. (Although, lesbians are far less controversial than those sissy boys, but still.) This isn't only a step for out celebrities, but for the show itself.

Third, DeGeneres is funny, and not sad, pathetic funny like the oft-ridiculed Adbul. She's a comedienne and can actually make us laugh, something that doesn't intentionally happen that often when Simon, Randy or that other girl judge contestants. So, that's good.

Finally, we feared that Idol producers would try to reinvigorate a long-lost pop star's celebrity status, as they did with Abdul herself. Or, just as worrisome, they could have tried to bring on a sensational, but ultimately pathetic, celebrity, like audition judge Posh Spice. Such a move would have looked either like a blatant, desperate ratings ploy or simply an attempt to make lighting strike twice. DeGeneres is well-respected, highly popular and, most importantly, still famous, all of which are good. Also, she doesn't need the money, which, we're sure, made contact negotiations a breeze.

• Robert Pattinson's life must suck. Seriously. Don't his "fans" get it? He's not going to sleep with them, he has nothing interesting to say to them, and he probably doesn't even understand the appeal of Twilight over Harry Potter, especially since there was subtext that Cedric Diggory was digging out at Hogwarts in Goblet of Fire...said someone to me who read the book. Anyway! Men are beginning to approach him and it's very evident that he's straight and doesn't care to be an object of affection to two sexes of manic psychopaths. Stephanie Meyer, you're to blame for Pattinson's life of being forsaken. You're like Camus, in control of real people. Subtext: you need to kill Edward Cullen so Pattinson can live in peace. Meanwhile, J.K. Rowling: when you bringing Potter out of retirement? [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Lady Gaga BlaBla Alert: She has a vibrator and she Must. Alert. The Presses. One line about this constitutes an item in a British gossip tabloid. Truly: they suck. Also, more about the Lady Gaga Penis Conspiracy, which is basically the Birther movement of Pop Culture, but far more enjoyable. She's now saying that her vagina is offended that people would think there's a penis there. Of course her vagina would be offended, says someone. It's feigning indignation to cover for the truth. [The Sun and Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Megan Fox says she has mild bouts of Schizophrenia. I'm sure. 'Cause that ass is cray-zy, girl! [US]
  
  
• The Jonas Bro-ness bought a house in Texas for $2.8M. It's going to be, what, their gangster ass chastity pad? No. But:Balling, indeed. [US]
  
  
• On Set Romance! Shia LaBouf is dating his Wall Street 2 co-star, Cary Mulligan. I would make a joke about this, because Shia LaBouf has admitted to having a small penis and she's British and well, you know, but I'm 24 and I'm not in Wall Street 2 and in addition to earning not that much money, well, you know. [NYDN]
  
  
• Uh, Paula Abdul wants to "destroy" American Idol? Well, sure, honey, we'd all like to see it somewhere other than prime time, but that doesn't mean people need to die. Okay, maybe Danny Gokey, just because of his last name. Meanwhile, a terse Simon Cowell supposedly misses her. [Showbiz Spy and Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• George Hamilton had sex with his stepmom, once. When? Well he's had that smug "I've been laid" look on his face since he was twelve, apparently. Does this surprise you? [NYDN]
  
  
• The New York Daily News busts out their top economists to determine that Jon Gosselin's irresponsible spending could leave him destitute one day! Well, yes, but then again, you can only purchase so many Ed Hardy shirts and host so many Vegas pool parties before the universe decides to forsake typical procedure and suck you through a black hole of existence from being a complete assface and maybe you'll come out on the other side wanting to consider a way to live a life your children will not completely hate you for once they get to high school, and especially, college? Whichever one goes to a liberal arts college might come home one day and stab him in a non-mortal wounding way. [NYDN]
  
  
• British people are kooky. They're still indulging their Orwellian fetishes with Big Brother, the shitshow that puts a bunch of crazies in a house and makes them oust one another until someone's left and the producers can then give them money to fuck up their life and perpetrate the show's brand. And now, another one. Apparently, the "winner" of Big Brother 10, Sophie, is going to take the scratch and use it on a "massive boob job." Massive? "Go bigger? Why not, just for a change, go massive." Well, there you have it: massive. Also, she wants a "designer vagina." In other news, I can feel my spinal fluid. [Mirror]
  
  
• Khloe Kardashian, famous for being the sister of Kim, who's famous for having a large ass, is now dating the L.A. Lakers' Lamar Odom. Odom won an NBA championship last season, if you'll remember. This season, he'll win brain damage through his cock. [E!]
  
  
• Selena Gomez is a UNICEF ambassador. Because when I'm in need of UNICEF, the most comforting sight I could see: Selena Gomez! Yes! Like water in the desert, except, well, no. This is stupid. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Kate Gosselin fired 40 staffers in three months! Imagine how many quit. It wasn't her, that was the hair talking. [US]

• Move over, revolutionary monogram artist Roger Federer, because Maria Sharapova and James Blake are designing their own labels with their respective sponsors. [Canadian Press]
  
  
• The Smithsonian added the American Idol desk to its collection but, predictably, it's tucking it away in some storage area, where people will forget the Smithsonian wasted its prestige on such a useless piece of trash. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Everyone thinks Demi Moore has had plastic surgery, and she says she hasn't, but everyone will go on believing she has. Sorry, Demi! [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Paula Abdul promises she didn't leave American Idol because of money. She left on "principle," whatever that means. She also hopes to get a talk show, which we'd actually watch. [TV Guide]
  
  
• Phil Spector is such a cry-baby! He wants to be moved from one prison because he's afraid someone will kill him. But he doesn't like his next prison because there's a fungal disease called Valley Fever and it's killed 14 people over the past four years, so he's scared and his wife's petitioning for yet another venue change. Let this be a lesson: don't kill other people. [Page Six]
  
  
• The Real Housewives of New York better make sure their lives are messy, dramatic and Bravo-worthy, for the network reportedly has two new ladies waiting should any of the regular characters prove too boring. Filming, by the way, began this week. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kate Moss flashed a tit during a magazine photo shoot. [The Sun]
  
  
• Lindsay Lohan got a tattoo of Marilyn Monroe on her arm. Oy, sometimes that girl's too much for us. [Examiner]
  
  
• Okay, Chelsea Clinton's not getting married this year, so chill the fuck out. [Page Six]

• Heidi and Spencer are taking their clown show to the Miss Universe Pageant, where Heidi is supposed to perform some horrible song horribly and Spencer is just being an enormous ass, as is his usual proclivity. [Page Six]
  
  
• Sting's daughter claims that her father knows nothing about tantric sex and that the whole rumor about his sexual prowess was a gag perpetrated by Bob Geldof. In other news, there's something uniquely creepy about a daughter discussing her father's sexual prowess. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Oh for Christ's sake! Just in time for the start of the NFL season, Kim Kardashian, the ample-assed Armenian succubus, is in New Orleans trying to win Reggie Bush back. Beautiful, just freaking beautiful. Geaux Saints! [Daily News]
  
  
• Amy Winehouse is still doing everything in her power to kill herself. She recently went on a 48-hour bender and The Sun has some ridiculous photos of Wino with white powder all over her face and a severely burnt finger. [Sun]
  
  
• Phil Spector is whining and crying about being in prison while his 29-year-old girlfriend smuggles him food in during her visits so he doesn't have to eat in the mess hall with all the animals. [Page Six]
  
  
• A 22-year-old model has filed a lawsuit against David Copperfield claiming that he sexually assaulted her in the Bahamas two years ago. [TMZ]
  
  
• Jason Schwartzman secretly married a clothing designer named Brady Cunningham at his home in California recently. [Daily News]
  
  
• Marc Jacobs is planning to marry his Brazilian boyfriend Lorenzo Martone this weekend in Provincetown, Massachusetts. Apparently, no one is invited, but there will be an afterparty at some point. [Page Six]
  
  
• Ricky Martin has revealed the one-year-old twin boys that he had through a surrogate mother last year by taking them to the beach and posting photos on Twitter. And no, he's still not out of the closet. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Okay here's a news flash: Paula Abdul will not be returning as a judge on American Idol. Again. So can we all just move on with our lives now? [Page Six]

• Leighton Meester caused a scene in a Hamptons restaurant when she encouraged her friends to scream the Happy Birthday song loud enough to drown out another table of girls singing the same tune. The other diners were probably not amused. [Page Six]
  
  
• The attempted reconciliation of Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn has failed. As you may recall, Penn announced a few months back that he was putting acting on hold to focus on repairing his family, but Robin reportedly wasn't interested. [Page Six]
  
  
• Hotel peephole video victim Erin Andrews of ESPN appears in a "dirty" photo spread in the new issue of GQ. [Daily News]
  
  
• In addition to screwing over all of his clients, Bernie Madoff was allegedly putting the wood to some of the secretaries in his office at Madoff Securities. [Page Six]
  
  
• Poor Lindsay Lohan just can't catch a break. Over the weekend she attended some fancy event in the Hamptons filled with fancy people and then her creepy dad showed up and stalked her all over the place. [Page Six]
  
  
• Madonna celebrated her 51st birthday at an Italian resort with her children and her fetus boyfriend Jesus Luz. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Shania Twain is the latest lady to take a turn at being a judge on American Idol in place of Paula Abdul. [EOnline]
  
  
• Well here's a damn shocker! NeNe Leakes of Real Housewives fame says that she was once a stripper back in the days of her reckless youth and she's quite proud of it, mind you! [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Well here's a another damn shocker! Sandra Bernhard isn't really much of a fan of Sarah Palin. [Page Six]
  
  
• Lady GaGa posed nude for the new issue of Out Magazine, but there's no frontal shot so we still can't verify whether or not she has a peen. [Sun]

• Demi Moore threw her daughter Rumer Willis a 21st birthday party in Vegas over the weekend complete with male strippers! Also in attendance were Rumer's dad Bruce Willis and stepdad Ashton Kutcher, who did not play any part in the beefcake festivities as far as I can tell. [Orlando Sentinel and People]
  
  
• Desperate to get his daughter back in the spotlight again, Jessica Simpson's father Joe is nagging American Idol producers to hire Jessica to be Paula Abdul's replacement. [Page Six]
  
  
• The Jackson shitshow continues to ramble on — over the weekend news broke that Michael Jackson's body was frozen by his mother in a secret freezer, now Joe Jackson is claiming, over a lunch of ribs and jalapeno bread, that the family has finally settled on Jacko's burial arrangements. [Mirror and Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Producers of Diablo Cody's new film Jennifer's Body are planning on making a big deal out of a make-out scene between Megan Fox and Amanda Seyfried as a part of the film's publicity push. [Page Six]
  
  
• Here are the latest Britney Spears bikini pics, this time she's looking sort of curvy while playing around in a pool with her children. [Sun]
  
  
• Lady Gaga's manager says that she uses men like candy — she peels off the wrapper and just chews them up! No word from the manager if she uses her poon or peen or both to do so. [Sun]
  
  
• Colin Farrell actually met the one female fan that he won't sleep with when some crazy lady jumped into a car he was driving while filming a movie scene. He reportedly began screaming like someone was trying to kill him. [Mirror]
  
  
• Jennifer Love Hewitt is playing sports in a bikini again, this time it's tennis, and she's wearing wedge heels to increase the degree of difficulty. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Hugh Grant is once again talking about his possibly retiring from acting because he says he's been freezing up more and more on camera. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Special Topics In Calamity Physics author Marisha Pessl is divorcing her hedge-fund manager husband. [Page Six]

• Oh, god. A billion teenage brains are going to spontaneously combust today. Apparently, Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens are going to get married. Their union will be officiated by the Minister of Happy somewhere around Tomorrowland and they're going to ride off on a Monorail of Pleasure sometime after for their honeymoon, and teenagers all across the land will be miserably depressed. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Some guy wrote a novel about uberflack Lizzie Grubman, and she said the book isn't about her. Especially the part where she plows into a bunch of people in the Hamptons with her SUV. [US Weekly]
  
  
• Amy Crackhouse wants to get back with Blake, the subject of all her songs, lawsuits, and various addictions. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• What's Robert Pattinson's life like living through right now? A bong? A strange prism through which all perceptions of normal proportions are heinously warped? A bunch of fans accosted him dressed as aliens the other day. Seriously. Now I feel bad for him. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Meanwhile, Pattinson's co-star, Kristen Stewart, is about as famous as the penny: everyone knows who she is, and could care less. Sad. That's what she gets for not being a vampire. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Rexo preggers Nicole Richie and Ellen Pompeo are now homegirls! They need to think of a name for their duo; tragically, The Rexo Preggers Club didn't make the first cut. [Page Six]
  
  
• Does Paula Abdul want back in on American Idol? Maybe! And I would like to go back into my sensory deprivation tank! Or the womb! [TMZ]
  
  
• Stellar! Kevin Spacey just wrapped on Casino Jack, the new Jack Abramoff biopic. Apparently, the movie portrays Bush and Abramoff as chummy, and makes a real ass out of Tom DeLay by portraying him as a cigar-chomping Tammany Hall type. This ought to be good. [NYDN]
  
  
• Good to know: Alaskan man-meat Levi Johnston will pose nude "for the right price." At this point, I think it's safe to say he's just a tool of the Democratic Party. [US Weekly]
  
  
• Big-dicked movie star Jamie Foxx may have impregnated more women than previously assumed! He will try to blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol and it will not work. [NYDN]
  
  
• Alyssa Milano, after dating a long lineage of rock stars, movie stars, and baseball players, ended up getting married to an agent. Go figure. Remember when she was married to the lead singer of Remy Zero? Those were the days. [NYDN]
  
  
• New Gossip Girl character: Vanessa's mom! Whee. [EW]
  
  
• Jermaine Jackson's looking for pricey new digs in Hollywood, i.e. apartments to the tune of $15M. Where's he getting his money? Come on, where do you think? Out of the pockets of his dead brother. Naturally. [Page Six]
  
  
• Why is Mariah Carey canceling events? Easy! Because Nick Cannon is broke. [People]
  
  
• TMZ thinks Britney spears copped her weave from Dog The Bounty Hunter. I laughed. Heartily. [TMZ]
  
  
• Brooklyn Foodies, beware: Tyra Banks is encroaching on your storied grounds with her financier boyfriend. So goes the item: they were at Peas and Pickles in Brooklyn Heights, and they had to have everything rung up at the register item-by-item. Lots of frozen dinners! And energy bars. It was paid for with a Black AmEx. The next time you scrape up enough nickels to hit up your corner bodega for a box of bootleg Parliament Lights, remember this. [Page Six]
  
  
• Martin Scorsese hasn't even started work on the new Sinatra movie, and Tina Sinatra is pissed at Marty's potential portrayal of her dad. She wants the movie to be about the music, and Scorsese's probably dreamed about making what should be the Goodfellas version of a musical biopic for years, now. Wonder who's gonna win out on this one. [Page Six]
  
  
• "I feel your love!" screamed Madonna as a bunch of Polish fans sung her happy birthday. She's 51! Jesus, Madge. 51, and you're still kicking around with Jesus and feeling the love of various foreigners and wearing that ridiculous kabbalah bracelet around. Here's my favorite bad Madonna video. Let's celebrate together!!1!! [NY Daily News]

Many a nationally respected newspaper has gone wildly careening down the rabbit hole chasing a false rumor or half-baked non-story. With three companies holding joint ownership (Fox, Freemantle, and 19 Productions) and a host of oversized stars and their entourages wandering around the set, little is knowable beyond what turns up on the air. So were we wrong to say Paula quit because of money and ego?

The answer I can authoritatively state is, no. And maybe.

When Paula announced she was leaving, sources close to the former-for-now judge say that after a long, emotionally wrenching struggle with the production, she believed she was ending her Idol journey and was not just trying to ratchet up the pressure in her negotiations.

But since then rumors have persisted that doors have remained ajar; people may still be talking.

With confirmable facts being impossible to come by in the tightly controlled circle involved with Idol contracts, analyzing the rumor mill is a bit like sifting through intercepted Al Qaeda communiques; it is very hard to judge the quality of any particular bit of information, but one can attempt to judge the quantity of radio traffic. And all one can say, from looking at the web the level of chatter has become very high, with three sites separately reporting sources inside the Idol/Abdul machines that a rapprochement may be in the works. Any one of these sites is very capable of getting the story very wrong, but the fact that all three are reporting raises the threat level at least.

First with something hard was TMZ which reported last Friday:

Sources tell us Paula Abdul will make a deal with American Idol if the price is right—and we're told that price is $10 million a year.

We've already reported well-connected Idol sources say they haven't closed the door on bringing Paula back for season nine. We're told they have not communicated with Abdul since she tweeted her goodbye, and auditions start Friday—without Paula.

This morning Perez Hilton seconded this movement:

Her departure from the show wasn't a publicity stunt, but it was definitely a negotiating tactic.

Sources VERY close to Paula Abdul reveal exclusively to PerezHilton.com that the beloved judge is working to get back on American Idol.

"Don't count Paula out just yet," says our Abdrool insider, telling us that talks are being held about having Paula return and trying to come to a deal that makes sense.

And finally the most specific piece of info was posted today on Idol fan blog Joe's Place, which has broken an Idol story or two in its day.

I am hearing that when the Judges are on hand for round three of the American Idol 9 auditions, none other than Paula Abdul will be sitting at the judges table with Simon, Randy and Kara.

[UPDATE: In the minutes since this went up, Joe's Place took down their post saying Paula would be on hand for the Atlanta judging rounds. Did they hit too close to home or is the BS about Paula returning after all withering now that people are paying attention?]

As stated, any one of these places is very capable of getting the story wrong, and any source may not be as plugged in as they think they are.

So what could be behind this? Perhaps the uproar over her departure overwhelmed the Idol team. Idol is not a show that likes to say "no" to its public.

Chances are, however, that with divorce papers already submitted to the courts, the parties are focused on getting on with their lives. But there's enough out there to make one think that, just maybe, what seemed impossible is possible: Idol might stay on the front pages for yet another week of it's off-season.

EW.com reports that Paula's first post-resignation gig will be guest spot on Ugly Betty. She'll play a temp secretary who bonds with ditzy receptionist Amanda, who is basically Paula Abdul in a headset. Before then, she'll guest star on Drop Dead Diva, Lifetime's show about a woman who dies and finds herself without a job on America's most popular TV show, we mean, trapped in the body of a fat lawyer. Anyway, both sound ridiculous.

But the news today is that ABC wants more out of her than a guest starring role. Network head wants her not as a judge, but as a contestant on Dancing with the Stars and possibly with a show all her own. Oh, we can only dream!

Oh, and the New York Times reveals today that Paula left American Idol because of money concerns and because she never felt like she was appreciated. But then again, you knew that already.

• Doug Reinhardt rented an island or something in order to win back America's tainted love, Paris Hilton. Paris, of course, loves being treated like a princess and is gushing all over the place about it. [Sun]
  
  
• Sienna Miller may have finally found someone to love her and he's known as the "Slinky Wizard." This mystery man is a DJ (Of course he is!) named DJ George Barker, who supposedly specializes in trance music. And hey — he's single! [Mirror]
  
  
• Brad Pitt was so busy signing a new contract with the Weinstein's at the Inglorious Bastards premiere that poor Angelina had to spend her time talking to Eli Roth. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Jermaine Jackson is still trying to organize some sort of tribute to Michael Jackson with the help of Larry King's wife Shawn, of all people. [Page Six]
  
  
• Renee Zellweger and Bradley Cooper are jaunting around in Barcelona with their hands all over each other in public, even putting their hands on each other's asses at one point! [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Blanket Jackson's surrogate mother has been revealed to be a Mexican nurse named Helena. Supposedly Jackson liked her because she was attractive and Latina. Who knew Michael liked Latin ladies?! [Mirror]
  
  
• Our old pal James Frey has written some sort of novel about a man some believe to be the messiah. [Page Six]
  
  
• Russell Brand says that he's looking for a woman who has a "high pain threshold." [Mirror]
  
  
• Justin Timberlake has purchased a 13,500 square foot home in Greenwich, CT. It was originally listed at $23.9-million but closed for $18.7-million. [Page Six]
  
  
• Rumors are swirling that Paula Abdul could end up at ABC in some capacity, including as a guest star on Ugly Betty. [TMZ]

Obviously, you're about to embark into some mildly NSFW territory, though there's no actual "action" in these teaser clips, and the most vulgar thing about these are the language in them. The TMSleaze (website NSFW) tributes are, quite frankly, very well played, maybe with the exception of Tono Romo's jersey reading HOMO, but hey, that's porn for you. Maybe TMSleaze isn't Pulitzer-worthy, but this could at least be considered for a Peabody, or something. It's one of the more intelligent, current satires out there, and yes, it's a porn and mostly alludes to sex. But we should all feel upstaged: they took their position as a specific commodity on a moral battleground, and leveraged it into post-modernism. The porn industry calling TMZ sleazy is, whatever you think of the porn industry, an interesting statement. I await their parody of Gawker Media with baited breath. Do enjoy, and thank you Gawker Video Deity Richard Blakeley for the tip.

Meet Messica Simpleton and Boney Homo. I think the TMSleaze reporters call them the Texas Poboys. There's also an allusion to Terrell Owens, who's not given a name. There's also fried chicken involved.

In our second video, there's Lamey Swinehouse. She's drunk and bouncing a ball on the floor and screaming about fish and chips. The paparazzi decide to leave her to her own device, deciding that "this is just sad."

In clip three, you'll meet Spender and Hiney, from "that show...that bullshit show," and as everyone knows "they've got a sex tape, or they're going to put out a sex tape," or something. Photogs ask Spender and Hiney if they can take shots of them, and Spender asks them if they're going to "be on the cover" (get it, they're not in print?). The photog says "sure," and they allow the TMSleaze paps to snap away. After letting them know that two other "characters" have made a sex tape - LC and Bony - Spender and Hiney decide that they need to make a sex tape, too, there and on the spot. Note TMSleaze's accurate depiction of Spencer Pratt's creepy flesh-colored beard.

"Somewhere in America," shouts Ron Jeremy, "there's a really exciting story. But I doubt if anyone in this room's gonna find it!" This Joseph Campbell-esque insight leads to Slimin' - whose bad faux-British accent is reminiscent of Simon Cowell's - and a studio executive arguing. "Shut up you prattling little ninny, or I will retain your ass as a black man and and shine my Tony Lamas in your rectum." Cut to some woman writhing about a couch, licking Slimin's jeans. This is, presumably, Paula Abdul. Her handler walks in the room, and begins arguing about their differences in pay. Honestly, who is writing these? Maybe we do need to ring up Sig Gissler right fucking now.

Finally, meet Feminem and Linda Blowhand, who is with child. She's under the assumption that Feminem is the father of her child. Feminem is rapping in the studio, and uses the word "illin" in one of his raps. He's with an African American co-worker - possibly his producer, possibly someone resembling Dr. Dre - who lets Feminem know that "illin" is outdated nomenclature. "You keep spittin' that weak, people gonna know you whitebred," he warns him. He gets assaulted by Linda Blowhand, who asks him why he hasn't called. "Are you high? Are you tweakin' right now?" Feminem asks her. "What do you think I am? You think I'm your little diamond oven whore?" she screams back. She then reminds him that the "lady" - presumably a reference to Samantha Ronson - "isn't cuttin' it in the orgasm department." Feminem then inquires if it'd be okay for him to "come in you since you're already pregnant," which upsets her. "Hell no, I don't want fuckin' twins!" she assaults him.

• Paula Abdul definitely got the invite to be a judge on Dancing With The Stars, and also as a guest star or contestant. Reports the NY Daily News: "ABC Entertainment President Steve McPherson said Saturday he called her right after he heard about her exit from Fox's "American Idol" to say she'd be welcome anytime on ABC's "Dancing with the Stars." This is in addition to the offer she got from the British guy on So You Think You Can Dance. I haven't watched American Idol since they stopped summarily executing the losers, but can someone tell me if Paula Abdul is actually coherent enough to take one of these jobs? I always assumed she still has to be wrangled by a group of handlers who keep on feeding her Sour Skittles and telling her that SkatKat's coming to get her if she doesn't show up to work, but again, I'm not completely up to speed on these things. If true, however, how unfair is it that someone who fights the effects of gravity daily in a Herculean struggle to stand up (which sounds like it could be a Paula Abdul song) actually sit around judging how someone dances? That'd be like having me be the deciding vote at next year's Pulitzer ceremony. [NYDN]
  
  
• Jessica Simpson is apparently training for the Coyboys' Hell Week or something to get back at Tony Romo by being really thin. She's going about this all wrong. The best way to get back at Tony Romo is to keep showing up at his football games. For the uneducated, Simpson had the unique skill of being able to make him throw the football in the exact opposite place it's supposed to go (in some circles, this is referred to as "cooling" or "fucking up one's mojo"). Seriously. Someone buy this woman season tickets. [Page Six]
  
  
• Cheech Marin got married! And the wedding cake was actually shaped and functioned as a gigantic gravity bong! Oh, just kidding, but you'd believe it, wouldn't you? So would I. [People]
  
  
• Rush & Molloy's big item of the week is a snoozer about Bloomberg. Get this: he used to think less of Obama than he does now, thought he'd make a better president, likes to say "fuck" a lot, and likes shiksa girlfriends. Where'd they get all this incredible information? Bloomberg's friends. Crazy talk! Meanwhile, people have opinions, egomaniacs always think they can do better than someone else at anything, everybody says "fuck" a lot, and Jewish dudes love dating The Goyim mostly because it freaks their overbearing mothers out. Mazel, Mike. [R & M]
  
  
• Ha, was Joe Jonas dumped?!? Asks Page Six today in which case someone's going to need a SWAT unit to protect them because a bunch of teenage girls are about to come at your face with the burning fury of a thousand suns and then some. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kelsey Grammar says his heart attack gave him a way to "re-tool" his life. What was so wrong with it in the first place? [Reuters]
  
  
• Some writer at E! has a conspiracy theory that Vanessa Hudgens' nude shots were leaked recently to drum up publicity for her new film, to which I say: Vanessa who has a new film? Guess it didn't work. Maybe make her jump through a burning hula-hoop or something. Or send us a press release. Or make her eat toast. [E!]
  
  
• More denial by Will and Jada Pinkett Smith about whether or not they're Scientologists and whether or not they fired the principal of their new Scientology school. [Page Six]
  
  
• Former child actor Mark Lester says that he's the father of Michael Jackson's child Paris. He says he's coming forward now out of concern for the welfare and well-being of the children, and that he wants to take the paternity test. The knee-jerk reaction to this kind of thing is now?! Actually, that's more or less just the full-on reaction. And why can't this guy "come out" in a more private space? Does everyone have to get a bullhorn and start screaming about how they "gave Michael my sperm so that he could have kids," now? (Actual Quote). Anyway, his film career is basically him playing "Oliver" so don't go looking too deeply through that IMDB page when you get around to it, nothing really interesting there unless you count the fact that the dude inseminated Michael Jackson's baby mama and he was a child star, ahem. [NYDN]
  
  
• Cry-alert: Jerry Orbach's widow says she talks to her deceased husband every day in what might be the most bittersweet Page Six item I've ever read. [Page Six]
  
  
• Simon Cowell's ex-girlfriend Terri Seymour won't get back with him, and isn't saying why. Not because he's an asshole, maybe? I don't know, Cowell doesn't seem like the worst dude in the world to me. I'd sincerely like there to be some kind of investigation into this. Maybe it has something to do with those gawdawful black shirts. Or maybe his pillow-talk? You just didn't give enough, Terri. I'm afraid a second go at it is going to be a no. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• E! scored an exclusive interview with Jon Gosselin, and it's going live tomorrow night, the evening after Kate goes on the Today Show. Think of this as the Katie Couric/Sarah Palin of braindead celebrity journalism. [E!]
  
  
• Gerard Butler likes dumb women, and I like Gerard Butler. Not necessarily because he likes dumb women, but because he has no reservations about saying so. Good on him; shamelessness is an underrated virtue. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Chris Brown wants to drop a track with Leona Lewis. Insert obvious "Bleeding Love" joke here. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Via E!, here's video of Lady Gaga performing an all-piano version of Poker Face with an Elephant on her head. No indication about whether or not she's hiding a weenus somewhere under there. Meanwhile, officials note she is still the most patently ridiculous person ever, and we should elect her the Mayor of Savantland. Happy Sunday.

• Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie enjoy boning in the grotto attached to their pool, according to Brad Pitt. But really, what's the use of having a grotto if you're not going to bone in it? [Sun]
  
  
• Many people have speculated that Lady Gaga might be a hermaphrodite, and then she came out recently and said "I have both a poon and a peener," and now this video of her "peener" popping out during a performance confirms it—Lady Gaga is a chick with a dick. [Bossip]
  
  
• American Idol alum Constantine Maroulis got his ass kicked at Cipriani Wall Street the other night after getting into an argument with another guy about Paula Abdul. Yeah, this is a great story. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Josh Lucas say that he hates LA because is the vortex of suck in the universe and he loves New York because New York is the world's golden vagina, but everyone already knows that, right? [Page Six]
  
  
• The Gods are smiling today because Paris Hilton and Douglas Reinhardt are reconciling to bring their tainted nether bits back together so that their bodies can once again form one giant human Petri dish. [Page Six]
  
  
• After being pronounced dead on the internet at least a dozen times, Patrick Swayze is looking like he's getting better. [Daily News]
  
  
• Leonardo DiCaprio is dating yet another Sports Illustrated swimsuit model. Where does he find them all? Does he order them from a freaking catalog or something? [Page Six]
  
  
• Gotta admit it, Britney Spears looks pretty damn good in this white bikini. Britney's back baby! Or something. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Queen Latifah enjoyed a lovely evening recently at a lesbian club on 14th street ordering bottle service for the friends she was sharing a table with. [Page Six]

• The Mirror is reporting that Victoria Beckham will replace Paula Abdul as a judge on American Idol. They say she's already reached an agreement and will do work on the show despite her having expressed a previous desire to work in fashion exclusively. [Mirror]
  
  
• Brad Pitt says that he was a big pothead when he was younger, someone who'd just sit around and smoke all by himself. A "doughnut" is how he puts it. [Mirror]
  
  
• Sex and the City lass Kristin Davis has cut ties with OXFAM after a dispute over her endorsing a product manufactured in a "disputed" territory. [Page Six]
  
  
• So this weight loss company is paying K-Fed a million bucks to use their product and shed some pounds. Maybe this can be a new revenue stream for D-list celebs — pack on a bunch of pounds and then get someone like Jenny Craig to pay you to lose it using their products? [UK Sun]
  
  
• Tony Curtis claims in a new book that he had sex with Marilyn Monroe, which means that every virile man alive in the 1950s and 1960s had sex with Marilyn Monrow at some point, or so it seems anyway. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Method Man is suddenly apologetic for shooting up a fan in Houston after she asked him for an autograph. [TMZ]
  
  
• Former Saved by the Bell star Mark-Paul Gosselaar is giving stage acting a whirl, starring in a new off-Broadway play opening in November called The Understudy. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Before she got knocked up by Jude Law after running into him on the street after a club closed, Samantha Burke was a Hooters girl in Pensacola, Florida. [TMZ]

Why did Paula do it? After I reported three weeks ago that Idol's "nice judge" Paula Abdul was considering walking away from the television behemouth, her manager's statements were widely considered to be a negotiating ploy. [Ed. note: To totally brag, Richard was the only reporter who actually spoke to Abdul's manager during her contract negotiations.] However, after doing several Abdul contract pieces this year I saw that beneath the bluster, she was in fact, emotionally getting ready to make the change. Why would you walk away from the biggest show in TV history?

1. She wasn't joking about the money. Jaws dropped when I reported a few months back that while mean judge Cowell was making upwards of $40 million, Abdul was making downwards of 2 million. And she had had enough of this. It's been reported since that she asked for $20 million in a new contract and Idol was willing to bump her up into the range of $4 million. From my chats with her and her manager, she was very serious about not coming back unless the increase was something major.

2. She can get more elsewhere. People say, "But Paula is nothing without Idol!" The proper phrasing might be, she would've been nothing without Idol. But now she is an on-screen character of the biggest show in the world and she's a free agent. There are a lot of networks out there (four to be precise) who would try anything — anything — to take even a small bite out of the Idol juggernaut, and they'd be willing to pay a lot more than $4 million to do it. Why not an Idol competitor starring Paula on another net?

3. Living in the Cowell shadow is only fun for so long. And that amount of time is something less than 8 years. Having to make a fraction of his money, have a fraction of the respect and clout he gets around the set and around the world, eventually the "I'm just lucky to be here" feeling wears off. And once it was announced a few week's back that Seacrest's contract too would soar into the stratosphere, all incentive to take table scraps and keep riding in the back seat evaporated.

4. She wants to be her own woman and mogul. Eight years of filling in the assigned ditsy-whipping girl slot on the panel on someone else's show, forget about whether the slot is deserved, can make you start dreaming about what kind of show you would really like to be doing. Believe it or not, Paula brims with ideas for her own shows — witness her cheerleading competition in the last year. And walking away with a bit of Idol luster, my guess is there'll be a lot of people ready to take some meetings.

5. It's not about the money but...the right amount of money could have solved all the above problems. My guess is somehow or other, Idol decided over the last month or so that this should go back to a three judge format — it was universally agreed the four judge panel had become a monster — and the third judge would be Kara whose contract they announced last week ahead of this. They also put out the eye-popping figures Seacrest would be pulling down on his new deal before going into Paula's negotiation. Considering Ryan still had a year left on his contract, there was no reason that had to happen, and if they were really going into a serious negotiation with Paula, having that out there didn't help.

The question now for Idol, without its token nice judge, is does the judiciary just become a vicious slapfest, with no respite for the poor struggling but stumbling singers? And will the audiences be turned off by the now unrestrained bloodlust? The only thing riding on that question is hundreds of millions of dollars.