Now that the Cruise/Holmes divorce saga has wrapped up without much fuss, all of us who had looked forward to filling our silences with discussions of its minutiae over the next several months are left scrambling.

Alec Baldwin, a famous adult who has been famous for an estimated 44 percent of the time he's spent on this earth, is tired of the paparazzi who take photographs of him and, by extension, the "political opposition" inherent to the media that distort stories such as Alec Baldwin allegedly punching a member of the…

This is according to TMZ, whose paid police and EMT sources are earning every dollar this week. Those sources tell Harvey Levin's gossip hounds that once Lindsay arrived at the hospital after her Porsche rammed the 18-wheeler, she panicked and said that she wasn't behind the wheel. This is bad because Lindsay's past…

Thankfully, Ms.Lohan's breast escaped while she was pretending to be Liz Taylor fighting with the actor pretending to be Richard Burton on the set of Lifetime's Liz and Dick movie. So this time around, the sad tit's chaos is really just pretend chaos.

Justin Bieber becomes a criminal battery suspect. Cynthia Nixon marries her girlfriend. Lindsay Lohan flees a $40,000 tanning salon bill. David Beckham likes to eat babies. Tuesday gossip is for old times' sake.

It appears that 50-year-old Guns n' Roses frontman Axl Rose and 25-year-old Lana Del Rey are hanging out together at the same time in the same place. Ipso facto, they are dating. The pair were seen leaving mysterious L.A. laboratory Chateau Marmont before disappearing into the night to discuss all the ways in which…

The Date of the Century may be over, but its memory lives on. Kim Kardashian wandered New York City today with what looked like a hickey on her neck. Might have been psoriasis, though.

Important update on The Date of the Century: After their movie date to The Hunger Games last night—but before the sleepover that led to a Pizza Goat-approved lunch date and shopping trip—Kim Kardashian and Kanye West stayed "as close and intimate as they could" at Sleep No More, that interactive theater thing with the…

TMZ is doing minute-by-minute coverage of Kim Kardashian's 24-hour date with Kanye West. With news this big, I do feel it is my obligation as a journalist to help disseminate the fact that Kim and Kanye just finished eating lunch at Serafina, a restaurant the Amazing Pizza Goat once enjoyed. Then they got into a…

Somebody get this furball a haircut. He looks like Ethan Hawke's art sponsor.

Outside her New York hotel today, a smiling Sarah Palin proved that she has finally conquered her possibly crippling fear of Asians. Jeremy Lin for leader of the free world.

Is it just me, or is something strange going on with Sarah Jessica Parker's face? On the set of Lovelace, where SJP is taking over Demi Moore's role as Gloria Steinem, she wore a wig and looked a bit different than usual. At left, SJP on the set this morning. At right, on the red carpet in February.

For all of you who wonder what goes on behind the doors of the converted fire house where Anderson Cooper lives with his boyfriend, gay bar owner Benjamin Maisani, now we have a little insight. They throw really gay birthday parties.

Photographed exiting a beauty salon in Santa Monica, Kim Kardashian inadvertently revealed that she not only receives Google Alert emails whenever "Kim Kardashian" appears on the internet, but she actually spends her free time reading her personalized "Kim Kardashian" news alerts. This is remarkable for three reasons:

Roxy Music pioneer and all around awesome guy Bryan Ferry got married last week to the young and beautiful Amanda Sheppard. There's nothing odd about a 66-year-old rock star marrying someone 37 years younger than him. What's crazy is that they met when Sheppard dated one of Ferry's sons. Ew.

Thanks to a million big-tittied cocktail waitresses, Elin Nordegren is rich off the millions of her ex-husband Tiger Woods. So rich that she bought a $12 million mansion just to knock it down. Now she's going to build a new house on the property. Actually, she's going to build the same exact house.

Tiger Woods' recluse ex-wife Elin Nordegren got a $100 million dollar settlement after her husband fucked every Brandi, Krystal, and Hooter's Waitress Tammi in the entire country. She has so much money now that she's just wasting it by buying mansions and then ripping them down for fun.

Sinead O'Connor is back with her husband and sharing graphic details once again. For those keeping track, Sinead O'Connor got married in Vegas, told some inappropriate jokes, then 16 days later got divorced (possibly because of crack) but now the marriage is back on again. And so are the inappropriate jokes.

Sure our collective crazy Irish aunt Sinead O'Connor admitted that her "mad search" for some pot on her wedding night helped lead to her breakup with her latest husband after only 16 days, but there is more to the story. Well, just change "pot" with "crack" and you have the whole story.

All of us working stiffs who have to report to the office on this slowest week of the year hate those people who are on vacation this week, right? And who could we hate more than celebrities, who are on vacation every damn day of the year? Well, here they are rubbing our noses in their beach vacations and lives of…