• Pamela Anderson should be investigated for breaking child labor laws after having a 9-year old girl hold her dress train and sit at her feet at this week's Hollywood Style Awards. Or that's what a Child Labor Coalition spokesman thinks: "I would want to speak to the child to ask her if it is something she willingly did. Nine is very young, and an awards ceremony is a long time for a child to be out holding a dress." This could be bigger than the Triangle Factory Fire. [Page Six]
  
  
• Do people really have to ask why Rush Limbaugh's still a member of the infamously racist Everglades Club in Palm Beach? [Page Six]
  
  
• Oh no! Katy Perry better watch out: Russell Brand's ex-girlfriend says he's incapable of monogamy. Their breakup would be the death of love forever. [Page Six]
  
  
• Jon Gosselin has been ordered to return $180,000 he took from a joint account he and wife Kate share. So now maybe that money can go toward, you know, his gaggle of children. [Star]
  
  
• Jeffrey Tambor, who plays the Bluth family patriarch on Arrested Development, recently gave birth to a pair of twin boys. Well, his wife Kasia did the actual birthing, but let's not parse here, okay? [People]
  
  
• Christie Brinkley and ex-husband Peter Cook have finally signed their divorce settlement. Does this mean their tabloid war will die down? Doubtful: Cook's lawyers yesterday described Brinkley as a "bitter, vindictive, angry woman," while Brinkley reminded us all that Cook's been called an "extreme narcissist." [NYDN]
  
  
• Paris Hilton adopted a ridiculous pet — a pig — and animal activists are mad as hell. This all seems so familiar. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Very important news: Peaches Geldof is now blonde again. All those hunger strikes paid off. [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Swoon: Jordan Catalano himself, Jared Leto, has joined the fight for gay marriage. [E!]
  
  
• Ashton Kutcher once told then-girlfriend January Jones that she wouldn't be good at acting. And now she's proving him wrong on Mad Men. Well, she's famous because of Mad Men. Whether she's a good actress remains open to debate. [NYDN]

Peaches: "If you had to sum up jeans in one word, what would that word be?"
Reply: "The hottest thing to wear."

And,

Peaches: "What's your message to the world?"
Reply: "Ehhh....."

One lady wisely pulls her child away from Peaches.

I happen to live in the same building as Peaches Geldof (and yes, she is Terrible)

But all is not lost, her Gas is being turned off.

Between the $575 gas and electric debt and allowing a paparazzo to photograph her topless, it would appear the shiftless rock-star daughter is either hard up for cash (where could it all be going??) or just inept at, you know, being an adult. (In fairness, many of her Williamsburg neighbors can probably relate.)

• Michael Phelps was spotted at Marquee with four bottles of vodka, yelling "shots!" when M.I.A.'s song "Paper Planes" came on and making out with his cocktail waitress girlfriend, who he's apparently still with, thanks to a certain fundamental intellectual compatibility probably involving favorite sunglass and sunscreen brands. By the time the Olympic champion got to Tenjune around 2 a.m. the area around him smelled like weed.
  
• At her new co-op, Tina Fey is apparently neighbors with herself imitating Sarah Palin. The neighbor described Fey: "Oh, she's fabulous! Not fancy-shmancy like Park Avenue, not glitzy like Fifth and not terminally hip like SoHo. She's just cozy folks." Cozy Folks is actually the name of Fey's forthcoming sitcom about an adorable Midwestern family transplanted to a Gotham apartment building, where they live next to a neurotic television writer. Hijinks ensue. [P6]
  
• Victoria Floethe said she's tracked down the snitch who ratted out her affair with Michael Wolff to Cityfile.com. She won't say who that person is. But as punishment Floethe is going to tell her every last detail of every last time she had hot, moaning, sweaty sex with Michael Wolff. [P6]
  
• Madonna's been crying on Guy Ritchie's shoulder about her thwarted bid to adopt that Malawi kid. Ritchie asked the singer why she couldn't focus on the children she already had. Then he remembered A-Rod and the Brazilian boytoy, the long line of spurned hometowns and friends and lovers and family members, and he suddenly had a moment of clarity, about Madonna. [Sun]
  
• Peaches Geldof threw her shoe into a crowd at Bungalow 8 and a hit a woman. The woman's boyfriend then confronted Geldof, who later tried to have him arrested, possibly for throwing a glass. The cops went ahead and didn't do that. [Mirror]
  
• Britney Spears objected to all the weed smoke at a concert in Vancouver and walked off stage for 40 minutes. Still, the crowd applauded. She ended her concert with "Don't smoke weed!" Still, the crowd applauded. It seems like Canada really has this "How to cope with a Britney Spears run-in" technique nailed: Smoke weed and applaud, constantly. [Sun]

Is the 19-year-old heiress consciously trying to walk in Lindsay Lohan's tear-stained celebrity footsteps, or just kind of accidentally stumbling along them in a drug-addled haze?

Let's review the similarities:

Headline-making lesbian relationship with a DJ. We suspect Lohan and Samantha Ronson are just a bit more serious than Geldof and her buddy Fifi Brown, who DJ together as "Trash Pussies." Geldof and Brown make Facebook quips about getting married; Lohan and Ronson have angry fights throughout New York and London.

Coke. Geldof denied using cocaine but was filmed buying drugs. Cocaine and cocaine rehab rumors have dogged Lohan.

Nude pics. Lohan took off her top for New York magazine in an oh-so-artistic homage to Marilyn Monroe. Geldof took hers off, apparently for a paparazzo, and was featured in an oh-so-artistic tour of her tattoos (sorry, "body art").

Geldof of course is unlikely to take the one big step needed to truly live like Lohan: Earning all that money she blows.

(Pics, from top: via Sun, Getty, via Sun, via News of the World)

• Nadya Suleman said in her first RadarOnline videoblog that her older six kids attacked a picture of her newest eight kids. The tykes are slapping her, as well. At least when she wears the wrong colors. [Scoop]
• Rihanna and her reported batterer Chris Brown must really be trying to reconcile, because her family is flipping out. Sean Combs is hosting the pair, since a disturbing young couple in need (of a place to hide from public shame) is a disturbing young couple indeed. [People]
• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes went to dinner with fellow actor John Lithgow and his wife Mary Yeager. Holmes was crazy in a catatonic way; Tom was crazy in manic way. As usual with the couple. You crazy Operating Thetans, you! [Gatecrasher]
• The Brazilian dumped by young model Jesus Luz so he could date Madonna is not at all bitter, especially if not being bitter will get her own model pictures in the papers. [Mail]
• How good was Elton John's Oscar party? "Vomiting for days" good, raves one guest. [P6]
• At "21," Chelsea Clinton supposedly sent back a birthday cake because she and her father Bill are allergic to chocolate. Really? [P6]
• BREAKING: Peaches Geldof was "outclassed" somewhere. (This time it was a fashion event where she wore a "simple cream sheath over black tights" more appropriate for "a casual night out with friends.") [Mail]
• Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson like to travel, so they can have screaming breakup fights in new and exciting locations. Tear-stained floor of a London nightclub, anyone? [London Paper]

OK, here are some not-so-little people:
Caroline Kennedy at an Armani store opening.
And, of course, Peaches Geldof with some skinny boy thing.
All photos from Getty, except last two, from AP.

Or maybe just attention. But after being summoned back to London by dad amid an embarrassingly well-documented split from her American husband, some News of the World cash might come in handy.

And the British tabloid does, somehow, have the exclusive, complete with NSFW nudie shots, straight from South America.

Let's figure out the tats. They'll blow your mind. Through pointlessness.

• Doves = LOVE. Not to be confused with marrying a dude for a green card.
• Playing cards = good luck. Like being born to the right person.
• Ace of spades = being an OUTSIDER. Like living in Williamsburg, with "Spanish gangsters," who eat bagels.
• Unicorn eating chain of daisies = ???. WTF, because everything else about Peaches is deep and meaningful, you know?
• Angel wings = "because girls see themselves as little angels."
• "Disappear Here" = Her style magazine, and a Less Than Zero reference. So probably a coke tat.
• Those four lines from Nick Cave's Into My Arms = somehow related to ex Frederick Macpherson.
• "An open book with a bizarre hangman's noose hanging over the page" = to symbolize Peaches being "owned" by a metaphor-challenged ex.
• "Ex Valentine" = some other boring ex story.
• "Max Drummey" and a rosary = ditto.

Peaches Geldof is a walking anti-tattoo public service announcement. Hopefully she'll similarly help kill off celebrity columns, vanity media projects and living in New York while named Peaches Geldof.

• Well, OK. Not really. But she does owe almost twelve grand on back property taxes for her Massapaquonsetsauhut home, and if she doesn't pay up next week, the lien will be sold at public auction. Yes, you could buy Dina Lohan's debt and lord it over her forever. Dina of course blames her shiftless drifter ex-husband, Michael: "My ex is in arrears for child support, and I think it has come from that area." Michael responded, through a rep: "I haven't been in arears since I got out of prison." (Sorry, Pareene.) [P6]
• Madonna would like to ensure, legally, that her two young sons get the proper care when in their father's custody. She filed papers today making sure that they must stay kosher, go to temple twice a week, and have a good internet connection at their dad, Guy Ritchie's, fancy English castle or whatever. And you know what's on the the internet... So, great. Two more rich Jewish boys with sex problems. Thanks, Maddy. [NYDN]
• Sad, appearance-obsessed Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard has found a fiance, photographer Sasha Brown. Upon hearing that her artsy fartsy brother had found himself a beard, Brown's bitchy, sarcastic younger sister Claire snorted and said "Ha, you don't say." To which Brown's mother, Donna Brown, lightly swatted her daughter's knees and said "Oh you, now stop. Just terrible." But you could tell she was smiling a little bit. [Us]
• High Ferret Chancellor Kevin Federline is renting out his children to their mother, Louisiana cosmetology student Britney Spears, for $5,000 a week. In a related story, octuplet-birthing mother of 14 Nadya Suleman raised her head suddenly and chirped "You can do that??" [Sun]
• Peaches Geldof is out at booze parties again, even though she is now a divorced and ruined woman. You'd almost think that the 19-year-old didn't take this stuff seriously or something. [Mirror]

Six months ago, the 19-year-old mostly-useless heiress and writer, sorta married a musician named Max Drummey in Las Vegas and moved to Brooklyn. She was escaping the winding, paparazzi-besotted streets of London for a city that hardly knew her. How exciting! How real.

But she eventually started to make a name for herself Stateside, writing a weekly column for Nylon and appearing in many an American gossip page, with increasing frequency. And then it all came crashing down. She announced her separation from Drummey over the weekend, and has apparently taken up with another musician, this one named Donald Cumming.

While she is supposedly looking for a new apartment in New York, she will still keep splitting her time between here and the UK. And we wouldn't be surprised if, just before walks down the ramp onto the plane from Heathrow, she remembers this city's sad, shuffling populace-in-recession and decides to stay in jolly old. And then the great adventure that was "Peaches Geldof Comes to America" will fade into the distance, just a dream some of us had.

Marrying a dude to get a green card! (The first-oldest trick is getting pregnant so he'll marry you.) Sure, it was cute when the teen impulsively wedded Max Drummey in Vegas last August, but one might think—what other problems do people with impulse-control issues have? Besides coke?

Anyway, an ill-thought-out apartment photoshoot (see: Impulse control, problems with) featuring her narrow-looking pad and her two roommates—her Harvard-educated rocker husband not one of them—was quickly pulled. Probably because her management was all SMSing her "um WTF were you thinking."

And now the Brit tabloids are reporting she'll spend the holidays in Britain with her dad, Bob, instead of her new family unit. "It's only for four days," she told The Sun. Funny how quickly four days apart can become years.

Well, maybe it's because the 19-year-old cokey rock-star child writes that the best part of living in Brooklyn is "the Spanish gangsters at the bagel shop who hit on me." She lives with two roommates—somebody calling themselves "Bunny," as well as "Lily," who is a Teen Vogue intern. Not sharing the apartment: her husband, musician Max.

Speaking of decorative objects, we're totally not buying the idea that they've actually read the books on the bookshelf: Isaac Asimov, Thomas Pynchon, Jungian Symbolism in Astrology, Water: For Health, For Healing, For Life, and The Da Vinci Code. Actually, we do believe those last three.

[The Selby]