Ted Cruz Will Not Talk About Donald Trump's Penis, Unless You Ask HimÂ
Ted Cruz is concerned with many issues, foremost among them is not the size of Donald Trump’s tiny trump.
“The throwaway moments of the zeitgeist feel heavier now, or somehow more full, but maybe this is just what getting older has always felt like, at any moment in time. How could you ever tell?” This is a lovely essay on time, the Internet, and penises.
Rapper Finally Talks at Length About Why He Cut Off His Own Dick
Andre “Christ Bearer” Johnson, the formerly Wu-Tang-affiliated rapper who cut off his own penis and jumped off a second-floor balcony last year, has finally given a full, candid explanation of why he did it. In short: “PCP and meth and molly and alcohol, and no sleep. That was the main thing: no sleep.”
"I'm a Lannister, Suck Me Off": Casting Call for Game of Thrones Flasher
Once Game of Thrones came to an agreement with a Croatian church to lock down the filming location for Cersei Lannister’s naked walk of shame, and secured a body double for Lena Headey, there was only one thing missing from one of the most important scenes of the season 5 finale: a guy to flash his dick and shout “I’m…
Guitar Solo, Dick Shredded as Man Pours Fire Ants Into His Underwear
A brave, stupid young man in Rayong, Thailand “wanted to imitate Jackass,” Tomo News Today reports, so he had some friends pull a nest of fire ants off a tree and shake those angry little fuckers directly into his underpants. The background music is gnarly, but not gnarly enough to erase the sound of his infinite…
Shockingly, Man Can't Get Assault Charges Dropped by Whipping Out Dick
An Alabama man, accused of third-degree assault, attempted to wiggle out of his legal trouble by wiggling out of his pants. He reportedly showed the alleged assault victim his dumb penis and asked her to drop the charges. To everyone’s absolute and total shock, he was unable to make his problems disappear merely by…
Floppy-Dicked Haters Kick Erect Man Out of Naked Bike Ride
The World Naked Bike Ride, which is exactly what it sounds like, came to Kent, U.K., over the weekend, and the participants had barely got their kits off before organizers ejected a bloke for popping a stiffy.
Bad Neighbor Holds Neighborhood Hostage With His Dick for a Whole Decade
After roughly a decade of living in nightmarish captivity and being forced to view a man's exposed dick on a weekly basis, residents of one Charlotte, N.C. neighborhood are organizing to rise up against their nude oppressor.
Pilot's Flight Path Forms Majestic Sky-Dick Over Florida
A Florida pilot out for a jaunt in his private two-seater yesterday took an unusual path from Kissimee toward Florida's western coast, dipping south toward Lakeland, and then suddenly heading due Nort—he drew a big dick in the sky, okay? That's what I'm getting at. His flight path was 20 miles of penis and testes. He…
Your Penis Is Fine
Since the only thing that men ever think about is how big their dicks are, we finally have some good news for you, men. Finally!! A new comprehensive study among 15,000 men discovered that the average length of an erect penis was a mostly meager 5.16 inches. Bust out some lube and measuring tape, why don't you? Tell…
Man Gets Dick Stuck in Roll of Tape, Can't Lose the Boner
Last week, an anonymous man suffered the self-inflicted double humiliation of apparently getting his erect penis stuck inside a roll of tape and asking the experienced masturbators of 4chan's /b/ how to remove his makeshift cockring.
Delta's Hacked Facebook Explains Why Girls Hate Blowjobs
"You love to travel. We love taking you there," says Delta Airlines' Facebook page, "Our Facebook page reflects that passion." For a little while on Monday, it also reflected a passion for yams that look like giant, gross, wormy dicks.
Elderly Man Sues Kaiser for Completely Eroding His Dick
An elderly man claims his penis "completely eroded away" over the course of two weeks, far past the point where reconstructive surgery could have saved it, because Kaiser wouldn't let his nurses remove a catheter. He's suing the insurance company for refusing to end his painful ordeal and causing "permanent genital…
Woman Reportedly Cuts Off Husband's Penis Twice in One Night
It was a really awful week to be one Chinese man's penis, according to a fantastical tale of dick butchery making its way around the internet.
If Your Dick Is Smaller Than a Pop Star's Leg, Condoms Fit You
17-year-old Swedish pop star Zara Larsson, formerly best known as a Sweden's Got Talent winner, is now primarily known as the woman who wore a condom like a stocking to call out men who claim they're "too big" to wear one.
The Long and Short of It: 2014's Best, Biggest, and Brightest Dicks
The year of 2014 began with a bang: a man on Reddit who had posted photos of his two penises sat in on the site for an AMA session on January 1st. Answering the question, "Do you have a favorite?" the man with two dicks replied, "Yes. The right one. The left one has a grudge against me for it too. lol" With that…
This Might Be a Drawing of Usher's Dick
The below photo of a dick is allegedly a screengrab from the Usher Raymond sex tape that an anonymous seller was shopping around last month. The tape, a home movie starring Usher and his Atlanta Ex-wife Tameka Raymond, supposedly leaked when a video camera was stolen from the singer's car since 2010, and his lawyer…
Some Guy Painted Kim Kardashian's Butt With His Dick
Kim Kardashian's bare, oily ass continues to make huge waves in the art world. First, some guy printed it out and taped it to a coffee maker, and now some other guy has recreated it as a painting, using his dick as a brush. Art!
Demi Lovato Says She Has Nothing In Common With Ex-BFF Miley Cyrus
Remember 2009, when a young Miley Cyrus brought a slightly younger Demi Lovato to the U.K. premiere of the Hannah Montana movie because they were best friends?
Why Small Dicks Are Better Than Big Ones, According to an Expert
Big-ass dicks—huh! What are they good for? Absolutely nothing, according to the true confessions of little-dick enthusiast Monique Anderson. Well, to each her (or his) own in matters of dick physics and aesthetics, but she brings up some good points here.
