First of all, they are all about what would be considered ancient history here in the US, and they are also grandly important ideological conflicts between establishment right and revolutionary left. But more importantly, they involve giant penises on the sides of buildings.

Taz is a tiny but historically important leftist newspaper. Bild is the biggest newspaper in Germany. In 2002, Taz "reported" in its Satire column that Kai Diekmann, the right-wing editor of Bild, had gone in for penis enlargement surgery in Miami, "but the operation went badly, and it resulted in the castration of the patient." Funny! Then Diekmann sued them for libel, and lost. So to celebrate, Taz commissioned an artist to install a sculpture of Diekmann, naked, with a six-meter-long penis, on the side of their building, which is across the street from Bild's building.

Awesome.

But some people found this sculpture to be in poor taste! Some people like the new managing editor of Taz. But she cannot have it removed, because the leftist newspaper makes decisions based on direct democracy, and no one can agree on what to do about the giant penis on their building.

But there are suggestions!

After the meeting, Pohl is standing in the cafeteria. She is wearing a green parka and her eyes seem glazed over. She shrugs her shoulders. One staff member, she says, suggested installing a fountain into the tip of the penis, but that isn't an option.

Well, why not?

Giant Penis Sparks Bizarre Media War [Der Spiegel via HuffPo]
[Pic: Getty]

She took her favorite pair of Edward Cullen panties out of the dryer and slid them onto her body, reveling in the soft caress of Robert Pattinson's cold zombie lips. [via Twitarded]

She then climbed into her $130 New Moon canopy bed. The drab satin-effect sheets reminded her of the lifeless sheen in her undead boyfriend's eyes. She felt alone, though—so alone. She decided she needed some company... [via Etsy]

She gathered her favorite noose-looped Twilight clothespin voodoo dolls and ornamented her surroundings with them. [via Etsy]

"Come to me, Edward," she whispered, grasping beneath the sheets in search of the hand-sewn Edward Cullen zombie sock puppet she sleeps with every night. [via Etsy]

She leaned a porcelain cheek against her Robert Pattinson pillow. [via Etsy]

It was time. She stretched her pale, slender hand to the Jacob Black light switch and dimmed it to—what else?—twilight. [via Etsy]

She removed her vampire sparkle dildo from the top drawer in her bedside table. She bit her lip and recalled fondly the words her Dildward Cullen had used to seduce her:

Yes the The Vamp retains hot and cold temperature. Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience.

The Vamp is a realistic form dildo based appropriately on our Sire's design but with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the moon's soft glow

[via Tantus]

Her cheeks flushed, her lips trembled, her eyelids fluttered. Dildward Cullen did all the things she asked of him, in cursive on the front of her sweatshirt. [via CafePress]

He sated her completely. With a sigh of contentment, she retired to use her Twilight-themed restroom, to use the Cullen-branded toilet. [via Etsy]

She reapplied her vegan Twilight lip gloss and smacked her lips in the mirror. [via Etsy]

Returning to the bedroom, she kicked her hand-painted Bella and Edward high-top sneakers out of the way. [via Regretsy]

Clutching the felted "Bella's womb" she had crafted from wool to depict the mutant fetus within, she contemplated whether child support applied to half-vampire bastards. [via Cinematical]

She would not bear a bastard babe. She reached into the desk and pulled out the stack of Save the Date cards she had been saving for her Twilight-themed wedding. [via Etsy]

For this would be the child to bring together the forces of Vampire and Human. In this child, the future would be born. This child would be as sexy as her vampire lover. Her son, the Next Edward Cullen. [via CafePress]

In an article that might as well begin "Long live the shriveled dick!" the Media & Advertising section's profile on Hefner that ran this weekend—entitled "The Loin In Winter," and get it? Get it?!—is like the most fun visit to the urologist's office you're ever going to have. Sure, it's about his media legacy, or you'd think it'd be about his media legacy, but in the end, what's Hugh Hefner's Sunday NYT profile really about? I dunno, let's say you're writing it. What do you want to read about?

Hugh Hefner leaned back on a red loveseat, the saggy one...

Mr. Hefner, the legendarily libidinous founder of Playboy...

He still works full days on his magazine, flies to Europe and Las Vegas, pops Viagra, visits nightclubs with his three live-in girlfriends - each young enough to be his great-granddaughter...

"I feel strongly that the pop culture is a thinner soup today," he said. "It used to be a thick porridge."

I have no idea what that last one means. But mostly, yes, they use his penis as a metaphor for his business. Which is interesting, because it's true: despite all of the Viagra of reality shows and Marge Simpson spreads, despite all of the erectile dysfunction drugs and stimulants Playboy's tried to pump into itself, it's still growing old with age, shriveling, unable to shoot anything but profit-loss pulling blanks! If we think about the great media penises of our time—Graydon's "monstah" cock, for one—hell, if we had concrete evidence on this sort of thing, we might be able to better understand the futures of media properties (which is to say nothing of media's floppy woos). For example: what's the future of the New York Observer now that Kushner's peen is under the lock-and-key of new hardcore Slumlord defender wifey Ivanka? Measured output or steely restraint? There's an entire field of research to be had here. Media overlords, step forward: we're here to help.

As for Hugh, well: he's worried about his legacy, and the company's considering acquisition offers for the first time in their history, something previously thought to be a null idea while Hugh was alive. But that might be where the metaphor ends. Hef's still battin' 'em away with a stick:

When Mr. Hefner's relationship with Ms. Madison ended, he said he got letters from women around the world begging to move in. "They were climbing over the gates," he said, beaming. Mr. Hefner chose three new live-in girlfriends, 23-year-old Crystal Harris and twins Kristina and Karissa Shannon, 20.

Media empires, even when they're dying, literally and figuratively: still an aphrodisiac. If you're still trying to figure out why people are still trying to get in this business, you're clearly not paying attention.

[Photo via Getty Images/Jim Ross]

Remember: NSFW means "not safe for work," kids! So enjoy your weekend!

[Via Intelligencer]

In tomorrow's Health section will be an article by one Ms. Lesley Alderman, whose wide, circumspect research deeply penetrates one of the key mysteries of the universe: how to further solve the problem of a limp dick. Those Viagra pills are too expensive! At $15 a pop, we learn, science has been forced to come up with alternatives. Like a so-called "penis pump", or a "vacuum erection device," Alderman writes. Behold the future:

It works like this: you place a tube on the penis and then pump the air out of the tube, which pulls blood into the penis. When the penis is erect, you then put a snug ring around the base to maintain the erection, which lasts long enough to have sex. The cost for the device, which requires a prescription, can run from $300 to $600, but most insurers and Medicare will cover part of the cost and the device should last for years. Even if you spend $300 out of pocket and use the device once a week, you'll be spending much less per year than on pills or injections. You can also buy a nonprescription pump online (even Amazon carries some) for as little as $30, Dr. McCullough said.

A non-prescription penis pump, you say? Available for your average consumer? Science is incredible.

When you're not inflating your penis with a Medicare-purchased vacuum erection device - which, it should be noted, is different than an average house vacuum, sans attachment - you can give "self-administered injections of alprostadil" a shot. Literally. It's a drug that helps blood vessels expand, and you mainline it straight into your procreation device with a hypodermic needle. Let's face it: there's no greater turn-on than a penis shot right before some good, sweet loving. Especially if you're high on Meth. The New York Times neglects to inform you that this innovation was preceded by AC/DC almost 20 years ago in the 1990 classic, "Shot of Love."

But the best way to regard upkeep of penises (or the keeping up of) is, as always, living a healthy lifestyle:

"Erectile problems may show up about three years before a cardiovascular event such as a heart attack or stroke," says Dr. Ira Sharlip, clinical professor of urology at the University of California, San Francisco..."There is increasing evidence that we can reverse erectile dysfunction with lifestyle changes," says Dr. Drogo K. Montague, director of the Center for Genitourinary Reconstruction in the Glickman Urological and Kidney Institute at Cleveland Clinic.

Great news for everyone but AC/DC, whose engorged testicles could get in the way of hopping on the treadmill. Otherwise, you, too, can begin your firm commitment to your penis, today. As with everything, exercise is tragically, sadly the final answer.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER: Is this really a trend? Eh, doesn't really matter.

Used to be that just about every guy was circumcised but now it's more like half! Plus other guys are using all types of contraptions to "restore" their foreskins, by yanking skin up over their dicks for extended periods of time. Now that the facts are out of the way, marvel at Spencer Morgan's penis wordplay:

the hooded snake dragon...playing pop goes the weasel...the anteater variety...stare the weasel in the eye...tugger-plugger...precious stones...the turtleneck...a mouthful of limp skin.

But Spencer, where is your trademark "Allow someone to painfully kill themself with quotes" graf, in this case at the expense of a 37 year-old guy who proudly wears a foreskin-extending "device?"

"The main thing that's motivating me is-I'm not married and I'm not in a relationship now-but I think it's really a quality of the sexual experience for my partner, my potential partner. I'm heterosexual, and everything I've read, it's really, really important to the mechanics of sex," he said...

"I'm also very much an amateur psychologist," he continued. "I'm a virgin partly because of the church, but I've also read lots of research that backs up the argument that this sexual experience is such an intimate and intense thing, and at the same time marriage is such a difficult thing to make work-that you need to give yourself every benefit possible."

Oh there it is. This is masterful work, penis-wise. [NYO]

[More at Advertolog, via Adfreak]

“My bark is worse than my bite,” Ms. Williams said of her reputation for exceptionally blunt questions. “I feel as though I’m nice, and that I’m down to earth, and — people like me get taken advantage of. So by being tall and outgoing, people mistake that for being overpowering, overbearing, loud and being a bully. No, no I’m a flower.”

Sure, sure. The Times notes that not only did Williams get herself cussed out by Method Man (for revealing on-air that his wife had cancer), but also that Judge Greg Mathis has "taken her to task." Uh, that's a pretty polite way of describing it. Here's what Williams said about that incident in a 2003 interview:

"I was interviewing Judge Mathis and he called me the F-word and walked out of the studio and that's because I was getting under his skin with an issue very close to home, recalled Williams. "He came to New York to promote his new book and I mentioned to him an article that I had read. Mind you, Judge Mathis and I are friendly. He has been on my show to promote his show. So, when his book came out it was only natural for him to come on my show to promote his book. I mentioned an incident relating to he and an extra marital affair, the use of cocaine by him, marijuana by him, kinky sex, including three-way sex, and he had a fall out with this girl and she alleges that he became physically threatening toward her."...

"You know the saying 'Thou doth protest too much' I watched him show out and everybody was absolutely floored. He went into the other room and at the time I was shooting a pilot for an upcoming VH1 special and my husband was there. So, he stormed out and went to where my employees and my husband was and he was like 'You want some of this too!' It wasn't very judge like. He was more like a guilty defendant."

We'll be watching! Not really.

[NYT]

[via Copyranter]

• No. 2: "Your Penis May Be a 'Grower' or a 'Show-er'"
  Hey small willie-d guys, don't worry. Your penis may get bigger when aroused.
  
• No. 3: "Your Penis Is Shaped Like a Boomerang"
  Look down at your penis. It's shaped like a Boomerang. Who knew?
  
• No. 4 actually did surprise me, so skipping to:
  
• No. 5: "Most Penises in the World Are Uncut"
  Oh my god. You mean that skin needs to be removed?
  
• Back to No. 4: "You Can Break Your Penis"
  Ew, really? That depresses my vagina.

[image from the ever delightful Morning Goods via Queerty]

Ariz. Doc in Trouble Over Photo [AP]

Nude Awakening [NYT]