Professional dick-doodler Perez Hilton is now a father. This would be worthy of a long major-city newspaper profile if he'd impregnated Rosie O'Donnell with their love child, or if he pushed the child out of his penis like a kidney stone, or if he openly identified a homeless Sunset Strip crackhead as the surrogate.…

Following in the footsteps of Snooki, J-WOWW, and Lauren Conrad—blogger Perez Hilton is publishing his own book. Jimmy Kimmel considered the possible choices that he didn't go with: Goodnight Moon, You Skank, The Very Slutty Caterpillar and Everyone Poops (And I've Got the Pictures.)

Justin Bieber, a Furbie toy given the ability to sing, held the LA premiere for his 3D concert movie Never Say Never last night. The red carpet was even uglier than usual. Let's take a look at all the atrocities unleashed by The Biebz.

[Katy Perry stumbles out of The Roxy with upskirt photo aficionado Perez Hilton. Apparently he can make his signature semen drizzles appear on actual people's faces in real life, unless that is a snowflake? Image via Pacific Coast News.]

Blogger and face scribbler Perez Hilton is taking to Ellen DeGeneres, YouTube, and Out magazine today to say that he's not going to bully celebrities on his website from now on. Is he serious or is this a PR stunt?

Huh, says here that fitness superstar Perez Hilton is starting a new site about fitness, "FitPerez" dotcom. (Perez has "four trainers," after all). We've scored this exclusive pic of the new site's content, below.

[Underage upskirt provocateur Perez Hilton films a new reality TV show in Beverly Hills with British crossover hopeful Fearne Cotton. Mischa Barton has also been filming with Fearne. Image via INF.]

Today at Gawker.TV, Christina Hendricks appears in a Mad Men-themed commercial for the Emmys, Ketith Oblermann talks net neutrality, Natalie Morales gets hit by a kid on Today, the premiere of Hair Battle Spectacular, and Perez Hilton's lost Sopranos cameo.

Perez Hilton visited Jimmy Fallon to discuss his blogging career. Hilton revealed that young Perez dreamed of being an actor. Here, Fallon brings up one of Hilton's shining moments in the form of a guest spot on The Sopranos.

Yesterday, Disorder magazine claimed that 16-year-old Taylor Momsen told them that "her best friend is her vibrator." Perez Hilton wrote a post about it, but changed "vibrator" to "dildo." Momsen clarified via Twitter, and then things got really, really twisted.

Now we know why Oksana and Mel fought over her dentist: He was helping her leave her abuser. Kelly Osbourne breaks up with her model boyfriend. Angela Jolie is going to Comic Con. Thursday gossip is in a dark place.

Perez Hilton claims this song, entitled "Too Young to Die," is a leaked Lindsay Lohan track: "Crashing my car coming flying through the windshield... I'm oh I'm too young die." Where did this stunning display of tone-deafness come from?

Lindsay's "fuck u" manicure was "a joke," but her Cato Institute-quoting tweets aren't. New Mel Gibson tapes apparently show him telling Oksana she "deserved" physical abuse. Ryan Seacrest's beard commits—with sexy photos? Thursday gossip speaks truth to power.

Perez Hilton is going double-or-nothing with his "Is it child pornography?" pageview gambit. "If you're easily offended, do NOT click here" he tweeted today, linking to another photo of 17-year-old Miley Cyrus' crotch, her leotard askew and revealing between-the-legs flesh.

No one knows if Perez Hilton will go to jail for tweeting pictures of underage Miley Cyrus'... "Hannah Montana." But he is losing advertisers: The View has pulled their banner ads because of "the morality of the issue." [MSNBC]

Is Betty White's burgeoning sex scandal too strange to be true, or too out-of-the-blue to be untrue? Miley Cyrus says she's not "slutty." Perez Hilton says his Miley Cyrus upskirt wasn't kid porn. Wednesday's gossip roundup is open to interpretation.