We're sorry that this country is so full of homophobic prudes that kissing a guy on stage and simulating oral sex will elicit more than 1,500 complaints and get you kicked off of GMA.

Lambert was scheduled to appear on the show tomorrow—a critical gig, since his album, For Your Entertainment, just came out—but that has been canceled. "Given his controversial American Music Awards performance, we were concerned about airing a similar concert so early in the morning," a spokesperson for the show told the NY Times Arts Beat blog.

This is all the gays fault. We did what we always do and we overestimate just how much we are accepted by society. It may seem like apples and oranges (or butches and femmes) but Adam Lambert is just like what happened in California with Prop 8. We thought there was no way that the good people of California could hate gays so much they would vote down gay marriage. Well, we were very wrong.

The same thing happened here. All of the gays were telling Adam, "Keep it real. Get all faggy. You owe it to us, and they'll love you for it." He responded with a performance that was so gay that he shot rainbows out of his eyes and turned Whitney Houston in a unicorn that he rode across the stage and threw Ryan Seacrest on the back of it and they made out for 17 minutes straight. Oops, too gay. Now we've ruined it for Adam and he's going to end up playing piano in a gay bar and dying bitter and alone just like Jobriath.

The worst part about this whole thing is that we have now negated all the progress Lambert made by being an openly gay pop star in the first place. Now when the next very talented flamboyant rocker comes along all his managers and agents (most of them gay) will say, "Oh, you have to stay in the closet. Look what happened when Adam Lambert sashayed on stage at the AMAs. America will hate you."

That said, this isn't the worst thing that could happen to Lambert. He's getting plenty of attention just as his album is coming out—negative or not. The people who were offended by his dry humping were never going to buy the album anyway, and this flap might just give him enough street cred to get some people clicking the download button iTunes. We hate to make the same mistake twice, but maybe getting all nelly was the right move.

Apparently Lambert has been offered a replacement gig on CBS' The Early Show (caution, Perez Hilton link ahoy). Adam if that doesn't work out, you are welcome to perform here at Gawker HQ, and we'll let you get as queer as you wanna be. You can even put pink pancakes on Nick Denton's head. The only thing gayer than that is—well, your performance at the AMAs.

[Images via Getty]

The contretemps began back in June after Molina punched Hilton outside the MuchMusic Video Awards in Toronto. Hilton had been a persistent annoyed of the band and apparently bugged them one step too many. Hilton immediately followed up his punching by twittering about it, asking his fans to call the Toronto police, ("I was assaulted by Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas and his security guards. I am bleeding. Please, I need to file a police report. No joke") and then posting a sobbing video telling of his punching online.

The assault provoked a flood of non-sympathy towards Hilton from the world's celebrity community.

Well, today the court case reached its conclusion, going out with as whiny a note as it began. Outside the courthouse in Toronto Molina's lawyer read his legally mandated statement of contrition saying, " 'I apologize for what I did on June 22 of 2009, even though you engaged in highly offensive comments, including a homophobic slur to my clients, I acknowledge that these kinds of issues should not be resolved through a physical response,"'

Hilton then responsed through his attorney quibbling with the apology before grudgingly accepting it. "Although accepting the fact that he shouldn't resort to violence, he attempted to say that there was a precipitating cause," Hilton's lawyer, Brian Greenspan, said afterwards. "A sincere apology is a sincere apology."

And so all live on to annoy another day, while the record stands that in Canada apparently you can punch Perez Hilton and perhaps not go to prison.

When someone supposedly dies on Twitter, there are nothing but questions that aren't "Is this person actually dead?" Because who gives a shit if they're actually dead. There are issues here:

Do people actually trust Twitter?
Who do they trust?
Why? It's just someone with a Twitter.

But they do! And sometimes, that information is valid, and all it takes is one Tweet for Twitter to be the needle in a haystack screaming to be found. But Twitter, like the people who use it, is weird.

Which would explain part of the answer to the question, What do Kanye West, Lil' Wayne, Rick Astley, Britney Spears, Harrison Ford, Jeff Goldblum, Miley Cyrus have in common with Morrissey? They've all been "killed" by Twitter. But not the other questions they present:

Who starts the _____ is dead rumors? Anyone and everyone! It can be some high school junior, or, as is this case, the New York Times The Moment blog, trying to crowdsource information. If you suggest someone who isn't dead may be dead, you've started a ____ Is Dead meme.

Why did they start the _____ Is Dead memes? For all kinds of reasons! Said high school junior who, bored and stoned in his US Government Honors class, decides that John Bolton, who has a funny mustache, is dead. He can then raise his hand and start a discussion about John Bolton being dead! Or maybe someone hears something and decides that they need to know more, because they actually care about this person's impact in their lives (as is, possibly, the case with Moz and The Moment). But mostly, the impulse to declare someone dead who isn't has to come from a place of mischief. Having to explain that you're not dead, you're just waiting to be seated at Pastis, could be a serious inconvenience for you and your publicist. Or if you're not a publicist or don't have one, a "normal" person who has to go out of their way to call their parents and explain that the stress they just went through was for naught.

What would be considered a "successful" ______ is dead meme?

A+: Getting a mainstream media outlet to report on the death, or rumors of the death. Newspapers, newspaper's websites, breaking news websites or Twitter accounts (like Drudge or BNO), CNN, FOX, ABC, NBC, MSNBC, etc. If you can get someone to say something on the air about someone who's dead that isn't dead, without it being a denial, you've done an awesome job.

B+ to B: A personal denial. Get someone to admit that they're not dead through someone who isn't their publicist, either because their publicist's credibility was called into question, or because they weren't picking up the phone when they should've.

B-: A publicist denial. Fucking up a publicist's day isn't nearly as mischievous as fucking up Miley Cyrus' day, but still equally satisfying.

C+ to C-: High-profile news-denial. If a news outlet has to report and quell the rumor, at least you got it out there to the right people.

D+ to D: High-profile gossip denial. These people sort out death rumors professionally, and if yours is smart or obscure enough to make their job tough, decent, but otherwise, you're throwing them something slow and down the middle.

D- Subversive gossip and or news crowdsourcinng for an answer (see above, also, here), but add one grade notch for every 50,000 viewers they get a day.

F: You get re-tweeted a few times. That's it.

So, how do you do it correctly?

1. Pick your target correctly. Find an obscure figure who isn't exactly "popular" amongst Twitter's celebrities. Make sure they're not on Twitter, or Twittering when you put the rumor out there. This would be an example of a "Twitter Death Meme Fail":

They can't Twitter their reaction, and they can't have people with them who could Twitter a denial. A really great pick is someone who you didn't even know was still alive. Marian Seldes would be decent, so would Kathleen Turner, because then, you can get a bunch of insane Broadway gays to start freaking out and asking questions. Which brings us to the second step:

2. Find someone to help corroborate your story. Make sure to find someone with decent cred and mix of followers with mixed interests.

You need someone to breathe on the burning embers to get a flame, right?

3. Stay silent. Don't say anything else, especially when people ask you where you heard that. Tip off a few gossip blogs, or blogs that are in the periphery of gossip and/or news blogs.

4. Wait. Teach a man to fish, he'll be set for life. But teach a man to fish without telling him that screaming "BE CAUGHT, YOU FUCKING FISH" won't help, and he's screwed. Stay calm. Wait for this thing to erupt. Once you've put it out there, unless you have multiple accounts with lots of followers to help corroborate your own story, all you can do is see what happens. You've set a line out there, enjoy the natural course it's going to take. Maybe go for a walk, work out, play with your dog. Enjoy the time you have before you get back to your computer to find out from P-Nasty himself that one of the Baldwin brothers had an aneurysm while grilling tandoori chicken skewers.

5. Celebrate correctly. Twitter provides for all. Once you've successfully "killed" someone via Twitter, you should respect and honor their not-dead-ness with a seance. A Twitter seance. Or, a Tweance.

And there you go! How to kill someone with Twitter, correctly. Now, go out there, and get your death fetish on. And please report back to us with your best results.

Oh, and by the way: Morrissey isn't dead. We think. Nice work.

It's time for another Gawker Book Club meeting: Ann Louise Bardach will be discussing her new book Without Fidel: A Death Foretold. Our topic today at 4pm: how Perez Hilton caused havoc in Miami by falsely reporting Fidel's death.

Investigative journalist Bardach has written and reported extensively about Castro's Cuba for Vanity Fair, The New York Times and 60 Minutes. Her new book follows the long end of Fidel Castro's reign and the rise of his brother Raul. One of the more bizarre chapters in that story is the 2007 false report by Perez Hilton that Fidel had died. Usually when Perez prints something fake it only causes trouble for a Hollywood D-lister and/or their publicist. This is Bardach's account of the chaos his dalliance in foreign affairs caused:

From Without Fidel: A Death Foretold in Miami, Havana and Washington

In August 2007, several second-string newspapers in Colombia and Bolivia published stories asserting that Castro had, in fact, died. The rumors become so noisy that Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez felt it necessary to set the record straight on his Sunday television show. "I spoke with him on his birthday," days earlier, Chavez said, "Rumors are circulating that Fidel Castro has died [but] Fidel is producing, he is writing." Then he proclaimed: "All of us will die one day, but Fidel is one of those who will never die."

But not everyone was convinced. On August 24, a 26 year old Cuban-American blogger named Mario Armando Lavandeira Jr, who posts under the name Pérez Hilton and specializes in teen celebrity gossip, recycled the Bolivian and Colombian dispatches. Lavendeira flatly announced on his blog that Fidel was dead and that the Miami Police Department would be making an official announcement imminently. It was a story of pure confection by a young blogger who had blurred and conflated crucial details.

Miami officials had met that day – but simply to review their contingency operation, dubbed "Alpha-Bravo," in which they would secure neighborhoods near Calle Ocho for a blow-out party once Castro was dead. Lavandeira was perhaps emboldened by fellow exile compatriot blogger, Val Prieto, who had made a similar claim on his ‘Babalu" blog: "Various sources inform that an announcement will come within the next few minutes from the Cuban government on Cuban TV and media." This was news to John Timoney, Miami's chief of police, since 2002.. A bemused Timoney told The Wall Street Journal that his forces had never gone on alert, adding drolly that "Since I've been here, Fidel has died four times already."

In a later post on his "PerezHilton" website, the would-be prophet offered a timeline. "The announcement of Fidel Castro's death will be made at approximately 4:00 P.M. Eastern. PérezHilton.com has just been updated exclusively." When 4 p.m. came and went, the unabashed Lavandeira jumped in with another breathless update. "An official announcement is still expected today. We are hearing that law enforcement wants to wait until rush hour traffic is over in Miami."

Pérez Hilton had made his name chronicling the comings, goings, arrests and rehabs of teen queens like Paris Hilton, Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan. Evidently, he was not deterred in his entry into foreign affairs by his bogus scoop. Indeed, it justified a round of self-congratulation.

"PérezHilton.com was the first media outlet in the world to break the news of Castro's death.. We posted THIS ITEM on it last week!!!! A Cuban broke the story of the oppressive ogre's passing. We are soooo proud and happy!!... There's gonna be a big ol' party en Calle Ocho, mi gente!!"

As it turned out, the novice gossip columnist had something to crow about - having succeeded in getting his story picked up by several credulous mainstream reporters. Soon there were rumors about the rumors. Depending on who one spoke with – embalmers – from both Egypt and Russia – had arrived in Havana to attend to the deceased Castro. Never mind that Castro had already signaled in private conversations and with a few reporters (myself included) that he favored cremation. The rumors begat rumors reaching critical mass by day's end on August 24th. The Miami Herald got in on the action with a story covering the rumor mill: "On Friday, the rumors heated up again for the third week in a row: Fidel Castro's death would be announced, first at 2 p.m., then at 4, then at 5." The Herald story told of callers on Ninoska Pérez-Castellon's daily talk radio show, Ninoska en Mambí, weeping tears of joy believing the Great Satan of Cuba had expired. La Ninoska, the indefatigable anti-Castro radio diva of exile Miami, consoled her call-in supplicants. "The moment will come," she said soothingly, "but this is not the moment.''

"Don't believe a word. It's all a fabrication by the Miami crowd," a senior Cuban official warned Reuters. He was right, of course. Nor was it especially hard to debunk the Pérez Hilton-fueled "Fidel is Dead" rumor that had duped and embarrassed the mainstream media. For one thing, Ricardo Alarcon, the president of Cuba's National Assembly and a key spokesman on US policy -– had gone on vacation- and had not returned. Secondly, Foreign Minister Felipe Pérez Roque, flew off to Brazil to attend a -Latin American summit. Moreover, Raúl Castro had made a secretive trip to Italy, a crucial partner in Cuban tourism, in which he toured a state-of-the-art golf course in Tuscany. None of the three – all major players in the Cuban political firmament - would have ventured outside of Havana had Castro been remotely close to death's door.

On August 24, 2007, Castro was having a reasonably comfortable day and was watching his favorite show on television, La Mesa Redonda. He was particularly interested in the show as it featured his old school mate Max Lesnik, the exile columnist and bete noire of the Miami establishment, discussing the 100th birthday of the Cuban reformer, Eduardo Chibas. [A popular political activist, Chibas famously shot himself after his radio show in 1951, one year before Batista seized power.] "With Chibas alive there would have been no way for (Batista) to carry out a coup," Castro wrote in his Reflections "because the founder of the Cuban People's (Orthodox) Party watched him closely."

It was at Chibas' funeral, that a 25 year old Castro made his name, by leaping upon the grave and delivering a fiery denunciation of the Batisa regime. Castro owed much to Chibas – most notably, his own emergence as a political star to fill the void left by his death. There has always been one exception to Castro's aversion towards sentimentality: the Cuban Revolution in which his reminiscences bordered on reverie. Castro could now lie in his private hospital suite, eyes closed, and simply remember. For comfort and reassurance, he possessed his own mental movie: an endless video loop of his own improbable victories as the great guerrilla revolutionary.

By 9 p.m. on August 24th, 2007, Miami radio and television's rumor frenzy had devolved into a no-news meltdown. It was achingly clear that Fidel Castro Was Not Dead - Yet Again.
Castro couldn't help but celebrate yet another victory over "the Miami Mafia," as he designated his enemies in South Florida. Clad in his now familiar track suit, he arranged to be videotaped for a one hour interview for Cuban television. Asked about rumors of his impending death, Castro smiled contentedly and responded "Well, here I am!"

You can find more information on Without Fidel: A Death Foretold, on Annie's site. You can buy a copy at Simon & Schuster's site or on Amazon. If you're an author or a book publicist and you want to participate in the Gawker Book Club, send me an email.

Bethenny told People magazine that she is only two months along, and is letting the world know about the news after Perez Hilton started gossiping about the bun in her oven. She told the tabs before her fiance, Jason Hoppy, even told his parents.

The plain-talking Frankel of course had something hilarious to say about the news.

"I got to be honest, we are both feeling kind of proud of ourselves. We are both 38 and we were like, 'Listen, your fish can swim and I am fertile.' So that's exciting."

Bravo announced Bethenny would get her own show October 1, so she was already a month pregnant when the deal became public. That probably means that neither she nor the network knew about this unexpected guest star when negotiations started, but it sure is going to add and exciting new dimension to her upcoming show. She got engaged to Hoppy earlier this month, so the two developments were occurring simultaneously.

Since Real Housewives of New York is currently filming for its third season, we'll get to see how all the ladies react to hearing the news. By all accounts, Frankel is out with the squad of faux-cialites, so this should make for a really interesting baby shower when producers force them all in the same room to play silly games.

Well, Congrats, Big B. We can't wait to see how you cope with motherhood on national television.

[Image via Getty]

And right now there is a bit of panic afoot in showbiz, that with a mere 138 days until showtime, the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences still hasn't decided on a helmer for the trophy trot. Nikki Finke reported last week, that last year's host and producer, Hugh Jackman and Bill Condon, are planning not to return to the Kodak stage. The pair's up-market, olde-timey glamour version of the show, gave Oscar its first ratings uptick in seemingly forever; a dramatic break in its long slide into irrelevance. ("What an honor for the Aussie actor" grandma Nikki writes of the of the Academy's desire to bring Jackman back to the show.)

UPDATE: Since the writing of this item, the producers have been named...and they are...Hairspray director Adam Shankman and former Fox CEO Bill Mechanic.)

Every year, Hollywood debates the question of how to update an event that is inherently the stodgiest thing thing on Earth. For starters, the thing that Oscar was conceived to honor — big glitzy prestige films — don't exist anymore, so the show will from now until forever be torn between giving their statues to little independent films that no one saw (and hence, that no one wants to see an awards show celebrating) or trying to find ways to squeeze nods to Dark Knight into a show that will never actually honor such popular films.

And for that matter, what with the media attention span being half a second long these days, if you are talking about movies that came out last year, you might as well be giving a lesson in like, the Cold War or Vietnam or something.

Not to mention — three hours of people in tuxedoes getting trophies and making speeches?!? In the epoch of cat videos!? Is this some kinda of Twilight Zone episode? Is America being punk'd by Oscar?

So what the heck do you do with a still huge but dwindling monstrosity like Oscar? Basically you can embrace the future or deny it, and either route has its merits. Here's our suggestions for the roads Oscar could take:

EMBRACE THE KIWANIS WITHIN
Oscar is never, ever going to win over these kids today, so go with your strength. Lead with the stodgy; you'll play well to your base and once every decade and a half, catch a retro wave. These days the Hollywood establishment is the aging Baby Boom generation, who are bound to actually become cool one of these days.
Host: Billy Crystal
Producer: Jeffrey Katzenberg
Ideal Best Picture Winner: Braveheart
Opening Number: A Rockettes lead a musical tribute to the films of screenwriter Ron Bass, high-stepping to the greatest moments from Rain Man, Snow Falling on Cedars and Dangerous Minds.
Clips Reel: A complete recap of The Today Show reporting the weekend grosses every Monday morning of the past year.
Log Line: This IS your grandfather's Oscars.

DRINK THE GLOBES UNDER THE TABLE
The reason why the Golden Globes have held their own against the declining Oscars is liquor. The dinner setting of the Globes show has traditionally meant well-lubricated winners making some of the more free-wheeling, demented speeches of awards season. Well, two can play at that game. Mandatory tequilla shots and forced picks from the mystery wheel of amphetamines for all attendees.
Host: Jack Nicholson
Producer: Ben Silverman
Ideal Best Picture Winner: Couples Retreat
Opening Number: Stars careen to their seats on a giant Slip 'n Slide placed down the aisle.
Clips Reel: The best moments of buddy comedies, guys who love to laugh with each other.
Log Line: Come and Get It!

POST-MODERN OSCAR
Pander completely to Hoodie Nation with an all self-referential celebration of quirk.
Host: Michael Cera
Producer: Spike Jonze
Ideal Best Picture Winner: (500) Days of Summer
Opening Number: Michael Cera sits on the floor of the Kodak stage listening to the mix tape he has made for an impossibly cool girl featuring acoustic remixes of John Hughes soundtrack songs. As we watch, the audience travels inside a giant movie screen and from the perspective of the Oscar nominated films, we watch Cera go to the movies with the impossibly cool girl, but never get to first base.
Clips Reel: Great Moments in Mentioning Bands During Movies.
Log Line: Oscars? What?

LOGANS RUN
The tweens have taken over entertainment; how long does Oscar think it can hold out anyway? Show Oscar's commitment to staying relevant by terminating the careers of any actor over 35 on live TV.
Host: Vanessa Hudgins
Producer: The Kardashians
Ideal Best Picture Winner: New Moon
Opening Number: 50's style sockhop dance number as George Clooney, Angelina Jolie and all the old people in the audience are loaded onto the original Sputnik rocket and blasted into outer space.
Clips Reel: The progression of Taylor Lautner's abs, from flaccid to six pack.
Log Line: This is on, bitch.

GANGSTA OSCAH
When you get down to it, the Academy is the original original gangsta.
Host: 50 Cent
Producer: P Diddy
Ideal Best Picture Winner: Final Destination 3D
Opening Number: The Kodak Theater is transformed with gold plated chandeliers and stripper pole while a car chase screeches through the lobby, ending in a cataclysmic explosion on stage.
Clips Reel: The history of on-screen bling.
Log Line: Don't Forget Who Brung You.

THE REALITY ACADEMY
Turn the show into a real time competition with bug eating contests, relay races and back stage confessionals.
Host: Ryan Seacrest
Producer: Nigel Lythgoe
Ideal Best Picture Winner: Step Up 2: The Streets
Opening Number: Nominees forced to perform a Polish mazurka, with one catch; one mis-step and the plummet into a tub of a million centipedes — and lose their shot at taking home Oscar.
Clips Reel: Night vision cameras placed in the hotel rooms of the stars while on set reveal secret celebrity hook ups — and a few drunken nights with a key grip or two.
Log Line: Oscar Wild!

THE TMZ OSCARS
Why fight it anymore? Throw down the barricades; let the paparazzi hordes loot and sack the kingdom, enjoy the rush of attention that the train wreck will bring. And whomever is still alive after showbiz has been reduced to smoldering ruins — let them figure out what to do next.
Host: Perez Hilton
Producer: Harvey Levin
Ideal Best Picture Winner: One Night in Paris
Opening Number: Celebrities are vivisected before the audience's eyes, the last remnants of their souls are ripped out and and then eaten, buffet style by the nation as a whole.
Clips Reel: A million Tweets are simultaneously projected directly into viewers' frontal lobes.
Log Line: We're Here.

Purgatorio is a three-level nightclub that is brilliantly conceived and elegantly executed. Every nook, cranny, hallway, and bathroom is designed with the theme in mind and no detail has been over looked. However, it is kind of like partying in the world's classiest PATH train station, because the crowd is the worst in New York. Guys in untucked button downs and their girlfriends drunkenly wobbling on heels that are too high and in tops that are too tight abound. Even at the VIP opening reception, things weren't any better. Overly boozey broads caused trouble in the stairwells while the well-heeled and hip tried to stay out of their way.

The clash was even evident in the night's celebrities. Official host Perez Hilton may have been a draw for the targeted crowd, paying $39.99 and up, but he couldn't get celebrity guest Jude Law to hang out with him.

And it's a shame that the crowd may turn people off to the joint, because it is really something to behold. Viewers enter through a Victorian-themed funeral parlor that is staffed by a bunch of freakish-looking extras from the last Addams Family movie. They are then transported down to hell, the venue's first level. The path is one of the scariest and brilliant things I've ever experienced. In hell, a lounge-themed bar full of ghouls and gorgeous girls, a creepy show awaits before everyone graduates to Purgatory above. It is like the world's classiest S&M club, full of raunchy go-go dancers and several vocal and acrobatic performances. Attendees are then free to travel up to Heaven, a space dominated by a gorgeous chandelier looking device and dirty dancers dressed as angels. There's also an outdoor lounge for smokers and such with a great view of the Midtown skyline. There is nothing about any of it to improve upon, except the door policy.

Hammerstein and Weiner, the pair behind Lower East Side hotspot The Box know something about creating a unique space that is full of provocative performances. They also know something about the velvet rope. For the few who can get past the doorman at The Box, they'll find a paradise of beautiful people, crazy acts, and a devil-may-care attitude that is far too wanting in post-Guilliani hot spots. If The Box is a high end restaurant, then Purgatorio is that same restaurant during Restaurant Week, when it's more affordable and open to the rabble.

And isn't that the problem with Halloween in general, when the zombie denizens of the city's nightlife are forced to cede their exclusive realm to the spirits of girls in slutty costumes and the boys trying to get them drunk and out of those tiny little outfits? It's become an even bigger amateur night than New Year's Eve, and no matter how classy you may be, you're going to have to make room for the less qualified.

[Image via Getty and Thom Kaine]

Of course, 24/7 Wall Street has the advantage of being able to conjure made-up estimates out of thin air; that's how the site put a price tag on various blog networks back in February (PerezHilton.com: $32 million (ha); Gawker Media: $170 million (HA!)). Now the site's taken those made-up estimates and combined them with additional made-up estimates of how much each blog network would be worth without its iconic founder. In other words, it's estimating the economic worth of each blogging boss — not to be confused with their actual wealth.

Here are the numbers. Spoiler: Drudge is king, even in hypothetical death.

(Correction: This post originally said 24/7 Wall Street was an AOL property. It is in fact independent.)

Gawker Media's Nick Denton: $26 million. Sure, that sounds like a lot, but it's only 15 percent of his company's hypothetical net worth, since Denton doesn't do much writing or editing. "Gawker would miss the guiding hand, but presumably the company could get another skilled CEO." (Pic: Eliot Shepard via mednut on Flickr)

Huffington Post's Arianna Huffington: $23 million. Huffington is the face of her company, 24/7 correctly notes, lending it valuable "star power and relationships." But the site overestimates the extent to which Huffington has delegated control to "highly skilled editorial staff:" although she's made some promising recent hires from the likes of the Washington Post, Huffington has stocked the wide-ranging site with nepotistic hires willing to abide her detailed (headlines, story placement, story assignments) and wide-ranging orders. As such, she's probably at least twice as essential to the organization as 24/7 estimates (25 percent of HuffPo's $90 million net worth). (Pic: JD Lasica)

Drudge Report's Matt Drudge: $43 million. That's 90 percent of his site's estimated $48 million value. Sure, Drudge has in the past received help from swell guys like Andrew Breitbart (no longer working for him), but they hardly had the skill to open email messages containing Republican talking points and newsroom leaks: "Drudge obviously has editors working for him to gather the hundreds of links from other media but the scoops that run on the sites are almost certainly his."

PerezHilton.com's Mario "Perez Hilton" Lavandeira: $30 million. The jizz-doodling celebrity gossip blogger is obviously an irreplaceable genius i 24/7's eyes: Without him, says the website, "the $32 million value of PerezHilton.com would go to under $2 million." Right, except for the fact that Lavandeira's got his sister and probably others actually writing/doodling the damned thing on his behalf. And since 1> Perez Hilton isn't anyone's real name to begin with and 2> his sister doesn't go around calling people "fags" like Lavandeira does, she might actually be able to make the site more popular.

TechCrunch's Mike Arrington: $12.5 million. Sure, TechCrunch's flagship tech business blog has "more than 20 senior writers, editor and business staff," but Arrington is "a controversial and polarizing figure," so he's worth half the company's total imaginary valuation of $50 million. (Pic: Robert Scoble)

The rest: MacRumors' Arnold Kim, a onetime doctor is estimated worth $4.2 million to his $21 million site; GigaOm's Om Malik accounts for $2.9 million of his tech blog network's $9.5 million value; Mashable's Pete Cashmore is estimated worth $1.25 million, or half of his tech blog's $2.5 million value; Business Insider's Henry Blodget $1.5 million or two-thirds of the total value of his financial blogging company; Markos Moulitsas (pictured) $1.7 million of political blog Daily Kos' $2 million made-up value. (Pic: Steve Rhodes)

That's right, Heidi could have read that she gave birth of her daughter, Lou Sulola Samuels (why doesn't she have more names?), while she was actually giving her daughter Lou Samuels.

Here's the timeline:

• Friday, October 9, 2:57pm: Radar Online is the first to report the news saying that she was born naturally at 1am on Friday.
• Friday, October 9, 4:18pm: Perez Hilton picks up the story with the Radar info, spreading it far and wide.
• Friday, October 9, 6:02pm: Us Weekly's website reports that Klum's rep confirmed the birth hasn't happened yet, but is imminent. Calls out Radar Online for getting the story wrong.
• Friday, October 9, 6:22pm: GossipCop, a website which policies the veracity of claims by gossip outlets, reports that the baby hasn't even been born yet.
• Friday, October 9, 7:46pm: Lou Samuels is born for real.
• Monday, October 12, 11:15pm: People.com runs the confirmation that the baby has been born. It runs a statement from babydaddy Seal with the real time of birth. It says the statement was released "Monday night."
• Monday, October 12, 11:31pm: Gossip Cop runs the official news along with Seal's statement.
• Monday, October 12, evening: Seal issues a statement that we've already read in People and on Gossip Cop.
• Tuesday, October 13, 7:37am: Radar Online runs an item about the birth saying, "When you're right — you're right. But we're not gloating. OK, we are!" They obliquely call out Us Weekly and say they never got the story wrong.

Yes, Radar, you did get the story right. Heidi gave birth to a girl and named her Lou Samuels. But since we all knew that she was pregnant with a girl for months, the fact that she gave birth to her was kind of an inevitability. While we're at it, Gawker has the big scoop: on October 9, 2010 Lou Samuels has her first birthday. We were the first to report it. The rest of you suck!

[Image via Getty]

Alternate headline: T-Mobile's Sidekick Service FAIL Outage Affects Thousands Of...Sidekick Users. Because, honestly, who uses these things? Sidekick owners, that's who!

Our tipster exhaustively writes in:

There is a media blackout on this!! Microsoft bought danger, then fired a bunch of those folks. I don't know if it's related but we (every sidekick data user in the country) has been without our internet, IM, mms, facebook and twitter. T-mobile is a trending topic on twitter because of this!

T-moible keeps saying it'll be fixed "soon" But this is day 3!! Help spread the word! we are desperate! You can't just buy a company and forget about legacy customers. If this were the iPhone, there'd be bodies in the streets.

I don't think it's a "media blackout" issue so much as it is a "people still use Sidekicks?" issue, but sure! "Sidekick shit" and "Sidekick fuck" turned up a bunch of awesome results on Twitter. Biz Stone, be proud. Another landmark for you:

BRO. BRO. I TOTALLY FEEL UR PAIN. It absolutely sucks that T-Mobile duped you for three days of service, and that they didn't really give you much of an update until today.

T-Mobile and Danger/Microsoft continue to urgently work to restore impacted services to Sidekick, and deliver them to our customers as quickly as possible. Following is a status update for our valued customers: Web browsing was restored Saturday afternoon, and the teams have been working through the night since the disruption started to enable additional functions such as IM, social networking applications and email as quickly as possible.

While we anticipate a significant portion of data services to be restored by Monday, some richer data services may lag. We sincerely apologize for the inconvenience, and appreciate your patience as we work hard with Danger/Microsoft to resolve this issue. We will continue to keep you updated as we have news to share. Thank you.

Heh. CAN HAZ UR MYSPACE BACK SIDEKICK USURS. Of course, T-Mobile's favorite user is throwing a bitchfit:

George Gombossy, look out. Nice of you to be a consumer advocate and all, Perez, but a bunch of people are already going to be laid off at T-Mobile due to their impending merger with Orange, and you know, the economy's tough. It's not their fault your Sidekick isn't working! It's corporate's! The stock goes down, and those people have an even worse chance of being employed. Think of the kids, Mario.

Perez Hilton: making the world shittier since always. Also: who has a Sidekick? Seriously.

Podcaster Jeff Smith was not nearly as pleased with the autumn wear in Chicago as The Awl's Choire Sicha was with the pullovers in New York.

There must be very few people who blogger Perez Hilton feels comfortable lecturing about ethics. Apparently Kim Kardashian is one of them.

Larry David as a no-doubt carefully calibrated caricature of himself is pure Twitter bait, and celeb-news editor Bonnie Fuller wasn't ashamed to bite the hook.

Irin Carmon of Women's Wear Daily found some feature fodder for the New York Times Magazine. No charge.

Brian Stelter is back from Philly so... what are you waiting for? Get back to work, Twitter followers!

Did you witness the media elite tweet something indiscreet? Please email us your favorite tweets - or send us more Twitter usernames.

But if Rolling Stone thought they could cheat the web out of a every drop of Megan Fox info available to humanity, on the weekend when her new film Jennifer's Body opens, they are about to learn a about this brave new world.

There might have been a day when there were stories about things that weren't Megan Fox but frankly, we can't remember back that far. Since the sultry wackjob from Tennessee became the internet, a million new forms of reporting have been discovered to chronicle her all the aspects of her complex personage. The gal with an unhinged take on every piece of modern life has challenged the world's media to document each and every pearl of fascination to fall from her lips. And thus it became the work of an army of reporters to report on the Rolling Stone piece.

Here then is your guide to the complete reporting of Rolling Stone's report:

• Us.com, The NY Daily News and many others, led with Fox's revelations of youthful self-mutilating antics, with her affirmative answer to the standard interview question, have you ever cut yourself? Us quoted Rolling Stone quoting Fox elaborating, "But I don't want to elaborate. I would never call myself a cutter."

•Perez Hilton led with the elephant in the room of the Megan Fox beat, her fiery but exciting temper. He quoted Rolling Stone quoting, "My temper is ridiculously bad. I've had to say to Brian, 'You have to go and stop talking to me, because I'm going to kill you. I'm going to stab you with something, please leave.' I'd never own a gun for that reason. I wouldn't shoot to kill. But I would shoot him in the leg, for sure." Hilton editorializes on the theme, writing, "Ohhhh, just in the leg? Umm, PSYCHO!"

•E!Online put the spotlight on Rolling Stone's spotlight on Fox's thoughts on men's thoughts about vagina. After quoting her assertion that she has a "powerful, confident vagina," E! quotes the quote, "Men are scared of vaginas. [A woman is most powerful when she is] completely in charge of her sexuality."

•MTV News wisely choose to focus its reporting on the subject of the pictures themselves, describing them in perhaps the least evocative phrase ever written, "The 23-year-old starlet looks like a femme fatale ready for a day at the beach."

But all this of course is just the first draft of history. The final story of what Rolling Stone's Megan Fox profile meant will not be told until the dissertations are written, the seminars held and the votes tallied long after we all are gone.

Perez Hilton last night passed out at the box with one leg wrapped around a stripper pole

So any pics you snapped of Perez passed out there would be great. But we'll also accept Photoshop jobs of same. Thanks.

[Pic: Getty]

• What is Demi Moore's problem? She and her husband Ashton Kutcher did everything to publicize their Twitter presence. But now that she's queen bee, she's becoming more picky and totally dissed Sarah Brown, wife to Britain's prime minister. The nerve! [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Victoria Beckham arrived to New York for Fashion Week, but finds it unfashionable to discuss whether she had her chest reduced: "We should just not talk about each other's boobs." Why? We always have to see yours. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Oh no! Chef Mario Batali and his business partner are being sued for nearly $75,000 after failing to pay their rent. [Page Six]
  
  
• Could Anna Wintour's "Fashion's Night Out" be costing people their jobs? Rumor has it that modeling agencies are threatening to blacklist their models unless said models work for their company's events this evening. That business is ugly! [Page Six]
  
  
• Chris Matthews had to miss Obama's big speech because he fell ill after some diabetes tests. He'll be out for the rest of the week, thanks to American health care. [TVNewser]
  
  
• Former New York City mayor and alleged homosexual Ed Koch knows the word "fuck." Pass it on. [Page Six]
  
  
• Katherine Heigl and her nameless husband are adopting a child. Because that woman needs to be influencing another living thing. [ET]
  
  
• A Prairie Home Companion star Garrison Keillor remains in the hospital after suffering a minor stroke. That's too bad. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Speaking of potty mouths, Kate Moss didn't appreciate when comedian James Nesbitt poked fun at her sex life during GQ's Men of the Year Awards. Her reply to his joke that they had screwed: ""He's so fucking rude. I'll never come to one of these fucking awards ceremonies again!" Oh, also, she totally got drunk and had zits. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Playboy mogul High Hefner has filed for divorce after his wife allegedly cheated on him. Here's a lesson, ladies: don't cheat on Hugh. It's simply not done. [Reuters]

• Lindsay Lohan suffered some camel toe recently — and there are basically pornographic pictures depicting the suction-cupped nightmare. We would reprint them, but, honestly, it's too early and we don't want to ruin your day with images of her vaginal lips. [3am]
  
  
• There may be another victim in Perez Hilton and Demi Moore's mutually-harmful Twitter war: Tyra Banks. Apparently Hilton appears on the season premiere of the former model's talk show and promised to stop targeting minor celebrities — that is, celebrities until 18. Well, that episode was taped on August 18th, over two weeks before Hilton posted pictures of 15-year old Tallulah Willis showing off her nubile cleavage. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay's smackhead brother, Ronnie, just returned to Britain from an Indonesian jail, and he's sleeping on the streets. At least he has a swank haircut, though, right? [Daily Mail]
  
  
• Lady Gaga made the absolutely shocking revelation that she used to blow huge amounts of cocaine while listening to The Cure. [HollyScoop]
  
  
• Plots in the mausoleum holding Michael Jackson's famed corpse have gone up about $3,000 in price. [TMZ]
  
  
• Jermaine Jackson will soon hold a "tribute" concert for his brother, but fans shouldn't get too excited about promises — or even suggestions — of big names, for the devil's in the ticket's fine print: Jermaine Jackson and the producers will make every attempt to present some of the world's leading artists, however there is no right or legal claim whatsoever that certain artists will perform ‘The Tribute.'" Good grief, if that's the case, Jackson should say MJ himself will make an appearance. [MSNBC]
  
  
• Teen Vogue hired Gossip Girl Taylor Momsen to screech and thrash to promote this week's Fashion Night Out. [NY Post]
  
  
• Mischa Barton's tenuous hold on reality becomes even more clear with news that she eats McDonald's before hitting the gym. [Gatecrasher]
  
  
• Critics and movie-types are saying Mo'Nique, once known for her self-effacing fat jokes, should win an Oscar nomination for her turn in Precious. [NY Post]
  
  
• Ludacris gave away 20 cars to people who couldn't afford them. That's nice. [CNN]
  
  
• Either Rebecca Gayheart's pregnant with Eric Dane's child, or the couple are trying desperately to get new, non-nude tape press, for Dane was seen putting a "protective" hand on his wife's below at DJ AM's funeral. [NY Post]

Demi says he pushes kiddie porn. Perez says she's a bad mother and he's gonna sue her. All the fuss is over some pictures that Perez linked to some pictures on his Twitter account of Tallulah Willis (also daughter of actor, Bruce) partying in a very revealing blouse. If you really need to see it, it's here.

Demi opened with a salvo that failed to explain just what her 15-year-old daughter was doing at a Cobrasnake-documented party in the first place:

Clearly Perez Hilton isn't taking violating child pornography laws very seriously. He might not but there are alot of people who do!...Anyone who advertises follows or supports Perez supports violating child pornography laws!...Let me ask all of you, what is it called when someone is telling people to look and focus on a child's "boobs & ass" while providing photos?

Perez responded by taking the moral highground, a dubious tactic for a fellow who made a name for himself by drawing cum on celebrity pictures:

And thanks for drawing MORE attention to your daughter's behavior and your parenting skills (or lack thereof). U r real smart!...Still waiting for you to retract your incorrect, libelous and defamatory statements...I would not let my 15 year old daughter dress like that under ANY context. You are delusional and slightly senile!

Yes, it was in bad taste to post them, Perez, but it's hard to take Demi's sanctimonious claims seriously (her last tweet reads, "This is not a game . Children should not be exploited. They must be protected.") when she allowed her daughter to go to the party in the first place. And Perez just keeps baiting her. Even moral compass Heidi Montag has weighed in! So, why don't you two put down the smart phones, pick up some common sense, and give it a rest. You're making Tallulah look like the sane one here!

Dan Abram's "GossipCop" reminds us that Perez broke the news of Fidel's death on this day in 2007. (And had GossipCop been around back then, they would've promptly "fact-checked" Perez by printing a routine denial from Fidel Castro's publicist.) And ever since that death, the Cuban media has periodically released new photos of a gaunt and sickly looking Castro hanging out in various flashy Adidas tracksuits.

Yesterday, the Cuban state-run tv aired video of Fidel that they claimed was shot on Saturday, and then the state-run youth newspaper ran a photo of a fit-looking Fidel meeting with the President of Ecuador. But the real news is that Fidel is wearing a short-sleeved white workshirt instead of one of his Run-DMC costumes!

Let's take a look back at some of Fidel's best posthumous looks.

Richard Hatch, the winner of the original season of Survivor in 2000, spent nearly four years in prison for not paying taxes, including on the $1 million he won on the show. Yesterday, while still on house arrest in Rhode Island, he did an interview with Matt Lauer saying that the reason he was convicted was because a homophobic prosecutor and judge singled him out and that he is, in fact, innocent.

That is such a load of bull! Our legal system may not be perfect, but there is no way that enough evidence could be concocted to throw his greedy ass in jail. The only excuse he could have for not paying Uncle Sam for a check he was given in front of millions of people is stupidity. Instead, he plays the gay card.

Shortly after the interview, the sheriff came and carted him back to jail for doing it. We still don't know whether it was because he did it or because of what he said. Time will tell.

If only we could lock up Kristian Laliberte, the socialgay who claims he was harassed and assaulted by a guest at the Hamptons nightclub Georgica. Come to find out he was mistreated because he stole the guy's booze and caused a fit. Thanks for ruining your message of tolerance by being a jackass.

Maybe he learned this trick from Perez Hilton, who tried to get sympathy for being attacked after calling rapper will.i.am a "faggot" in a fight. Which is similar to Nick Haramis the BlackBook editor who claimed he was a victim of a hate crime at Village staple the Corner Bistro earlier this year, when the surveillance video shows his drunk ass was the aggressor in the attack.

Yes, homophobia affects gay men all the time in various and subtle ways. And yes, we are treated unfairly all the time. But hate crimes are on the rise, and we can't afford for the impact of these tragedies to be lessened by your petty claims. Every time a queer reports a false hate crime, a fairy loses its wings.

Take responsibility for not paying your taxes, for being a drunk idiot, or an aggressive blogger. It's time to take it like a man. It's something gay men are famous for, and it's about time you learn.

Guess they were all done making jokes about black people and fried chicken and Asians who can't drive. Thanks Perez, now we have to hate them.

CocoPerez.com has been exposed in dribs and drabs; the website Evil Beet snuck past its password protection, then the website became freely available for maybe half an hour, now it's back to being password protected.

The site is meant to be more advertiser-friendly, and consequently finds Hilton doodling fewer crude captions on pictures. But his nasty side shows through sometimes, as in this caption:

Then there's this sarcastic headline, complete with Hilton's trademark double exclamation points:

But there's also analytical rigor! Evil Beet noticed that Hilton has been reposting items written for his old site, expanded with more "analysis." Below is a post about Harvard University's obnoxious new clothing line. On PerezHilton.com, the coverage ended with, "This is all fine and well, but there is one lingering question… why???" On CocoPerez.com, it ends,

This is all fine and well, but there is one lingering question: why?? This is from so far left field. We would understand if The New School or RISD or any number of artistic/fashion focused schools launched a line - it would still be unusual but at least a logical progression. But this?? This is just so random. Especially since Harvard isn't exactly thought of as the apex of fashion. This is like Janet Reno announcing she's launching a line of lingerie. You just can't get your head around it because it's so…bizarre.

Well, at least they've got our attention!

It is for this value-added piercing insight that the new site is apparently sponsored by Gap. We'd be surprised if many more sugar daddies sign on: Hilton's biggest advantage has been that he'll say anything, no matter how tasteless. But now he wants to make bank by playing nice, leading to muddles like CocoPerez.