Google wants to get into the LOLcat business, but Steve Yegge is damned if he's going to help; the engineer told a tech conference that "I am officially quitting that job on national TV." Also in today's Valleywag roundup: Google is showering programmers with 50 percent raises and trips to Paris; Karl Rove advertised…

Never mind the free gourmet food orgies, company-sponsored servants, on-site massages, cash handouts, multi-million-dollar retention bonuses, posh commute coaches — Google is actually "very frugal," according to the guy who obtained a $10 million, four-year pay package from Google.

It's that time of the tech boom-bust cycle. Perk time! Chocolate fountains? Check. Indoor tree houses? Check. If your office doesn't have a mechanical bull and a ball pit, you're just not going to attract the talent you need.

The good Governor Sandwiches of New Jersey, Chris Christie, is in a real pickle back home after he took an state police helicopter to his son's baseball game yesterday.

Meet Greg Coleman, Sundar Pichai and Neal Mohan. They are having an awesome week. A week that involves, collectively, roughly $150 million dollars in bonuses; monster severance for short-lived jobs; and orders to report to a new boss in Paris.

Managers at IAC aren't feeling very thankful toward their happy-go-lucky leader right now: They found out just this week there will be no raises or bonuses for the third year in a row. So now they're dishing about his perks.

National unemployment remains stuck at nearly 10 percent and economic growth is tepid. But there are still golden tickets for workers if they're inside the tech bubble, especially if they're Google engineers courted by Facebook. And especially if they're women.

The Google elite may be cosseted at work, but employees have to endure the real world upon returning home each night. No more: Googletown, a forthcoming mini-metropolis, will include not just offices but sports facilities, child care—and housing.

The Facebook-Google showdown isn't limited to your personal data. Facebook has been poaching talent from Google, and Google is fighting back with big bonuses for sticking around. One senior engineer was offered $3.5 million in stock not to jump ship.

Google has given all of its employees $1,000 cash "holiday bonuses" and 2011 salary increases of at least 10%, a loyal reader tells us.

Good luck retaining employees now: We hear Google has ended a perk that provided free "runners" to handle basic chores like cooking, cleaning and errands.

So much for the war on Googler entitlement. Amid heated competition for engineers, Google is trying a remarkable new perk: free use of "runners" to clean apartments, take out trash, cook dinner, run errands—whatever is needed.

The New York Times' David Paterson story centered on his drug-dealing, allegedly abusive staffer David Johnson. But Paterson also employs Clemmie Harris, an adviser who collects $30,000 a year on disability and doesn't appear to live in New York.

When Condé Nast folds a magazine, it doesn't just clear out the desks. There's also the messy business of disentangling the top editors from all the perks that came with being in S.I. Newhouse's good graces. Ask Domino's Deborah Needleman.

Wall Street is cutting back on cash bonuses, which means paper-rich banksters are forced to choose between preschool tuition and new wine cellars until their restricted shares mature. Goldman Sachs is lending a hand by offering mortgages to its staff.

A string of cutbacks have threatened Google's status as a veritable Shangri-la of free gourmet food. Meanwhile, Facebook is ramping up the dining perks. Today the Times suggests Facebook might be "the new standard-bearer for corporate-sponsored dining." Food fight!

If there's anything Hollywood hates, it's paying for stuff it used to get for free. And throughout 2009, CAA has given the industry the biggest FU in entertainment history, charging visitors for parking, all to save just $800,000.

Google used to say its lavish perks bolstered productivity and, if anything, would only grow more posh. But a recession changes things. Now the official line is more like, just be happy you're working, you ungrateful fucking pigs.