• Michael Lohan went on Maury Povich-Maury Povich? Really?-to say that there's "nothing left" of Lindsay Lohan, and that he doesn't want to see her die. Morbid! He says she called him crying hysterically after she got robbed and the Daily News reports Lohan as saying she's doing fine. Well, she got that Robert Rodriguez role, so maybe. On the other hand, he could be right, given, well, you know. Look at her. Really. When what Michael Lohan says about you -in a universe of insane, distinct possibility-might hold water, yes, you have problems. [NYDN]
  
  
• Robert Pattinson's mom believes what she reads about him. Like OMG HE IS SO CUTE I H8 KRISTEN STEWART SO MUCH YOU GUYZZZ!!!!! Also, he's been approached by fans who want their necks bitten by him. Some people don't deserve necks. Teenagers are ridiculous; related news, I feel old. His security force has to keep fans-not even stalkers, just plain old fans-away from him. He literally has to keep women away with a stick. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• Pete Wentz wants to have a "soccer team" of children. On behalf of soccer fans and the rest of civilization: don't. [People]
  
  
• The Osbourne Family's Ways to Get Drugs, Number 1,042: get a collagen injection. Nice one, Kelly. [Showbiz Spy]
  
  
• ARR MATEY. The Dread Pirate Rihanna wants to take you under her umbrellarrrrr. [Just Jared]

  
  

• Damn, Jon Gosselin. You are fucking up and consequently getting fucked in every possible way. TLC's suing Gosselin for breach of contract now that he's basically canceled production on TLC's "hit" show. Ha, TLC, we knew you were some evil bastards. See, TLC suing Jon costs the family money and eventually to repay all the legal fees they're going to have to go back on the show and be completely broke, and TLC's ratings go up: genius! I wonder if they'd do this to the midgets if they wanted to leave the network. Also, Kate's thinking about suing him or threatening him in court or whatever because he hacked into her email. Naturally. Also, did the Daily News just get this chyron for Jon and Kate gossip?
  

  Looks like the graphic design intern's in today. Meanwhile, welcome to #Gosselip (thank you, Sarrible). Your Jon and Kate rage-rants on how much you hate them (and/or #Gosselip specific tips) are welcome.

  [NYDN]

  
  

• People wants to know if Kevin Costner's the new David Hasselhoff. Costner's kicking off a tour with his band and will be going through Germany. David Hasselhoff would comment but he's probably drunk on the floor crying into his cheeseburger over the threat to his reign over the Rhineland or whatever. [People]
  
  
• The Kardashians are teaming up with Bebe for a clothing line. Great, but does the world need more Apple Bottom jeans than it already has? Yes, that's about Kim having a large ass, the only thing any of them are actually famous for. Oh, and her sex tape with Brandy's brother. That, too. [NYDN]
  
  
• Ugh. The NYDN's big gossip story this morning is that Anna Nicole Smith took perscription meds while pregnant with Larry Birkhead's baby. Like you even needed to be reminded of this story, this is one of those things we pretty much all probably could've guessed and/or figured out on our own if we actually wanted to think about it. Which nobody did. She took methadone to offset the back pain caused by her breast implants, and also, used to drink out of baby bottles and eat baby food she kept bedside while she was pregnant (in anticipation of her baby). This all came out when Birkhead was testifying in some shady case about the shady people who gave her drugs. Meanwhile, thanks NYDN, for sucking up my morning. [NYDN]
  
  
• Upper West Sider to America: Madonna won't STFU. America to Upper West Sider: STFU obnoxious person. Complaining about Madonna being a shitty neighbor is just as obnoxious as Madonna being a shitty neighbor. [NYDN]
  
  
• Didn't know this! Tina Fey was a 24 year-old virgin. She told Letterman Wednesday night on his show, followed by a "I couldn't give it away." Who'd she give it up to? Her husband and the father of her kids. In related news, how can you not like this woman? [NYDN]
  
  
• Fred Durst is getting divorced after three months. He did it all for the nookie, COME ON, the nookie, COME ON, the nookie, COME ON, so you can take that prenup, and stick it up your YEAH, stick it up your YEAH, stick it up your YEAH. Related: remember when Limp Bizkit sold records? I don't! Eternal Sunshine machine, take me awayyyyy!!!! [NYDN]

  [Photo via David Kriger/Bauer-Griffin]

Why God why?, you may ask. Well, there's just always been something beguiling about Ms. Morissette—her odd, alien-like Canadianism, her sad, wistful eyes—that we just like on screen. Anyway, here's a picture of her as Nancy's new gynecologist. Exciting.

And, hey, there are other musicians we'd like to act more. They include:

Mos Def
While pretty much every rapper decides to act at some point, Def is one of the few that can actually act. He even got credit for his stage chops, appearing in Suzan-Lori Parks' very difficult play Topdog/Underdog on Broadway in 2002. And, OK, so Def studied theater at NYU and has been acting professionally since he was a kid, but still, for a while there he was much better known as a musician than an actor, so it still sort of counts.

Macy Gray
Did you see her all weird and crazy in Training Day? Wasn't it fun? We need more of that. Sure there aren't that many parts that a raspy crazed bumblebee like Gray can actually play, but c'mon, there are enough movies that call for raspy crazed bumblebees to at least make acting a funny side-career. Will she play a bee to someone else's spider in Mama Black Widow?

Courtney Love
Speaking of crazy people. Though Love's personal life has taken a turn south over the past, oh fifteen years or so, she's fairly magnetic on screen. She did really nice work in The People vs. Larry Flynt and Man on the Moon and, hell, wasn't bad in that otherwise-bad thriller Trapped. She's rumored to be in some upcoming comedy called Mother's Little Helpers, so hopefully that's something.

Jack White
Was pleasant and poised in Cold Mountain, and deftly played himself opposite his awkward wife-friend-girlfriend-sister-whatever Meg White in Coffee & Cigarettes. He was also Elvis in that Walk Hard movie that no one saw. Do more movies that people will see, Mr. White!

Pete Wentz
Just kidding.

Obviously there are others—Cher and Dolly Parton and Reba McEntire and Jon Bon Jovi are always welcome. Who else?

Perez (née Mario Lavandeira) got a literal slap upside the head by Will.I.Am's manager earlier this week, and a few figuratively slaps upside the head by celebrities who once willingly participated in his sadomasochistic, symbiotic celebrity-industrial complex for his poor handling of Michael Jackson's death. Because of both, Lavandeira's clearly shaken, and isn't doing too well. The cracks in his mini-empire are beginning to show. Little of the trademark viciousness or salaciousness Perez typically attracts readers to his site with has been around lately. Take, for example, a handful of the stories he's posted lately:

- Pictures of Ashley Olson in Paris. Hilton's sure to point out how nice she was, according to the tipster. He also decries her smoking habit.

- Four lines about the legal documents from Michael Jackson's unpaid pharmaceutical bills. Where's the trademark Hilton "zinger" in this one? His kicker: "The case was dismissed a month later, probably as the result of a settlement."

- "NBC To Celebrate Ed McMahon." Again, a tone of reverence and sadness. We're talking about Perez Hilton on Ed McMahon, here.

- Fanboy pieces about a prequel to Inglorious Basterds in praise of Brad Pitt, as well as one about Madonna's new album title. Whee!

- Oh, and: projecting much? "Still More Work Ahead For Equal Rights" was the site's third post of the morning. It's Perez piss-poor populism in taking on an LA Times poll about California's gay marriage laws.

Since his poor handling of the Jackson story, people have been taking him to task. And not just people! But celebrities, who're just like us! They can't stand Hilton, either. Pete Wentz thinks he just needs to own up to getting the story wrong:

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

While John Mayer just thinks he needs to go away:

Perez is doing a bunch of "spin control," running his operation on a very tight, Press-y leash. Especially on Twitter. Now that he's alienated the gay community - even Matthew Shephard's mom won't take his money - he's sending the only people he has left, his deranged base of hardcore fans, plenty of cited messages on Twitter, highlighting and encouraging what little support for him is out there right now. He probably needs it, since advertiser money for his slightly more "family friendly" operation is going to be scarce after his very public PR fiascos.

Truth be told, Perez, cockroach that he is, probably isn't going anywhere any time soon. While more efficient ways of consuming the most brainsucking news out there surely exists, we've sadly let Perez become a brand name for gossip - like Coke, or Pepsi - and it's going to stay that way until someone's writing white lines over pictures of his faked real death or whatever. In the meantime, some of the things he prides himself most on - his celebrity "friends," the support of the gay community as someone of significance - have taken a hit past the point of no return, and there's surely more where that came from. As we all well know by now, Karma - like Perez - is kind of a bitch.The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

• Ashlee Simpson apparently harbors some deep insecurities in regards to her husband Pete Wentz's ex, Michelle Trachtenberg. The problem started when Simpson and Wentz ran into Trachtenberg and her boyfriend at a party in LA. Ashlee then proceeded to get drunk and started giving Pete lap dances to mark her territory, then screamed at Trachtenberg, "I hope you know, the whole time you were dating Pete, I was fucking him!" [Page Six]
  
  
• Brad Pitt shares his secret for keeping himself fresh and clean when he's chasing around a dozen kids and being pretty in movies and just doesn't have time to take a shower. [Daily News]
  
  
• Kate Hudson has been spotted popping into bars in West Village to watch the Yankees play, but mostly just to see the dude she's boning, Alex Rodriguez, swing his might bat. [Page Six]
  
  
• Kim Kardashian may or may not be getting married to Reggie Bush, depending on who you talk to. Star says they're engaged, Kim says they're not. Whatever, as long as Reggie gets 2000 total yards for the Saints this year, we're fine with it. [Star]
  
  
• Susan Boyle will get special visits from her cat Pebbles to aid in her recovery from the lunacy that international stardom has stricken upon her. [Mirror]
  
  
• Michael Jackson, battling skin cancer, is refusing to eat any food and has dropped down to a dangerously low weight. [UK Sun]
  
  
• Star Trek Captain Kirk dude Chris Pine has used up Audrina Patridge for a week or two of fun and is now kicking her to the curb, as was widely predicted. [Sun]
  
  
• A new book says that Britney Spears spiraled out of control last year because she was afraid of her LSU football and booze loving father, Jamie. [Mirror]
  
  
• Neil Patrick Harris wants to get into Hugh Jackman's pants. [Daily News]

An inside source notes that Angels and Kings was issued a third citation for serving to minors, so they've been shut down for three days. They also noted that their first two violations were previously thrown out in court, though, so the cops are - as they're wont to do with New York City bars - actually kind of just fucking with them. Sugar, they're going down swinging.

Last time this fair website heard from Wentz, he got all different kinds of pissed off and mad and upset when we posted a Gawker Stalker sighting of him. He blogged about it on his Tumblr, and we ran a pretty pie graph about what all of Pete Wentz's fans had to say to us!

The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.Wentz, despite Twittering his whereabouts, was primarily concerned with the safety of his kid, who was with him and wife Ashley Simpson (along with their two-ton bodyguard, who probably doesn't stick out at all). And we can respect a guy who looks out for his kids, and who encourages his fans - mostly kids, too, we might add - to be concerned, too. But he's clearly not too concerned with anyone else's kids, or their drinking habits, which their parents might not approve of. Being a rock and roll parent: rough stuff. Bummer. On that note, Gawker Stalkers are encouraged to be more vigilant in reporting their sightings of Pete. We wouldn't want him spiking anybody else's punch. Sightings go here. Closeup of the notice here: The image associated with this post is best viewed using a browser.

Oh, and related: if you've never been to Angels and Kings, Joshua Stein put it best when he noted that, upon opening, "our douche canary in our douche mineshaft keeled over and died." Which is everything you need to know about the place.

• Spencer Pratt, rapping under the name "The Great White" and desperately trying to find some sort of relevance in the real world, has released his first rap song titled "I'm a Celebrity" on iTunes. Yeah. [US Weekly]
  
  
• Britney Spears is running around the Bahamas in a two piece looking all semi-hot and shit! [TMZ]
  
  
• Hayden Panettiere got a tattoo running straight down the side of her torso and the tattoo artist who did the job misspelled one of the words in the phrase. [Perez]
  
  
• An American Idol fan walked up to Terri Seymour, Simon Cowell's ex-girlfriend, outside of the Idol studios and asked if she was still seeing him. Then the freak tried to strangle her and now Simon has hired a bunch of ex-Army commandos to protect him from these sort of idiots. [Sun]
  
  
• For the third time in three months, Amy Winehouse has been hospitalized for being a complete fucking trainwreck. [Mirror]
  
  
• Hey remember Chad Lowe, brother of Rob and ex-husband to Hillary Swank? He's just became a father with his new girlfriend! [EOnline]
  
  
• What the hell are 50 Cent and Bette Midler doing arm in arm at a garden party? Is he gay or something?! [Mirror]
  
  
• Hey look it's our little emo buddy Pete Wentz hanging out with Rihanna, but please don't tell him we said anything about this or he might start crying like a little bitch again. [Just Jared]
  
  
• Kate Gosselin fired forty, fucking FORTY, aides in a span of three months. [US Weekly]
  
  
• Britney Spears' former bodyguard says that her negligence led to him suffering a devastating injury while on the job. We can't even begin to imagine what she did to him. [Daily News]

Even though Wentz had Twittered his own whereabouts, he called for retribution and asked his fans to flood us with hate mail. The result was more of a garden hose and we asked Gawker assistant Julia Schweizer to give us a scientific breakdown of the 100+ emails that came in. This is what they had to say:

• Ashlee Simpson is tired of staying home with Baby Bronx while husband Pete Wentz goes out and parties constantly. These aren't the evenings she'd imagined with the Fall Out Boy bassist; nights of sculpture, harpsichord serenades and hushed readings from the New York Review of Books. Hell, he doesn't even want to boff in front of the mirror any more, much less discuss Chaucer. [P6]
  
• Elizabeth Arden, which has sold Elizabeth Taylor's various fragrance lines, is supposedly trying to arrange memorial ads for the 77-year old actress. On the cheap, since nothing screams "luxury branding" like "pre-death bereavement rates." [P6]
  Jennifer Aniston never would have exploited her relationship with John Mayer for publicity if she'd know she was being used for sex. [Scoop]
• At least two of the pediatric nurses provided free to Nadya Suleman said Octo-Mom is just a terrible mother, mugging for cameras while she ignores some children (cared for by nannies) for 12-hour stretches in a chaotic madhouse with insufficient security. Also, one of her nannies might have tuberculosis. Otherwise, all's well. [People]
• Under the court-ordered supervision of her father, Britney Spears isn't supposed to contact her tricky paparazzo ex Adnan Ghalib, so she sneaks him text messages. He's been ordered by a judge not to communicate with Spears for three years, so he can't write back, but instead has to make small talk with her hairdressers, and hope they'll mention something to her. A thoroughly modern relationship, in other words. [Sun]
• When sweaty Juliette Lewis forgets the lyrics to "YMCA" — seriously? — she tries to distract everyone with an on-stage makeout. [P6]

saythatscool's new line beats the original, "Don't Make It Look Stupid Or Anything."

Wentz waxes poetic about Obama being the underdog, but then turns grave. Underdogs have to deliver on a lot of promises.

But a funny thing happens when the underdog wins (trust me on this one, I have scratched and won one of the biggest lottery tickets that a goofy little Midwestern guy like me can get away with). The elation is high, but so are the expectations. Now there is a rapt audience. There is a microphone hissing, and feedback. When that happened before it was quaint and authentic. Now it's annoying and unprofessional.

Oh, clever! More metaphor, plz:

At the risk [Um, risk?] of extending the metaphor, President Obama faces a challenge like Lauryn Hill after her album "Miseducation of Lauryn Hill" won five Grammys or the Coen Brothers after Blood Simple won the Sundance Grand Jury Prize. Will it take a while for his own Fargo or No Country for Old Men? Or will success come early and often?

In the next edition of popular column "From Wentz It Came," a plea for Mr. Baker to let seniors hang out in the theater's sound booth during free period, and an investigation into the weird smell at the far end of the sophomore hallway.

SidAndFinancy's new line beats the original, Fall Out Boy Bassist Wanted On Two Counts of Murder at Buckingham Palace.

Wentz said it took some time to convince Simpson to hook up with him. (He joked that he had to "beat her over the head with a club and drag her back to my cave.")

Once they did it, it was "the single best sexual encounter I have ever had," he said.

"It was at the Soho Grand Hotel [in New York City], and I'm looking in the mirrors, [thinking], 'Oh my God, you are [sleeping with] the girl of your dreams, and you can watch yourself!'" he said.

You're welcome!

[via Us]

SidAndFinancy's new line beats the original, Liza Minnelli Greets Her Fans.

• Jennifer Aniston posed naked on the cover of GQ and inside said boyfriend John Mayer is "extraordinary" with his instrument, but couldn't name his big hit song: "Did not know much about him before I met him. I'd heard ... you know, uh 'Your Body' – that song."

• Also, she talks to Brad Pitt but never Angelina Jolie. "No, nuh-uh."
• Pitt, meanwhile, happily confirmed he fell in love with Angelina Jolie at the same time she fell in love with him: While he was married to Aniston. Aww. [Mail]
• Sad C-listers Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz can't get anyone to buy their baby pictures, because the couple actually drag down magazine sales when they're on the cover. [P6]
• Paris Hilton's right: She's not stupid. Vapid is not the same thing as stupid. [Sun]
• Here's a picture of Elizabeth Taylor looking like Michael Jackson. [Sun]

• Michael Jackson is a secret Muslim who is actually called Mikaeel, meaning angel of Allah, after the pop star rejected the name "Mustafa," which means chosen one. In a few days Jackson will appear in London court, where an Arab sheikh is suing him for seriously breaching a multi-million-dollar contract. Related? Who knows. The headline? "The Way You Mecca Me Feel." [Sun]
• Georgina Bloomberg, daughter of the mayor and media mogul, may have nine horses and a BMW, but she's "not rich!" [P6]

• Ivanka Trump has a book deal, because that's how things work, by which we mean "America is a meritocracy," as scribe Trump says. Better luck next time, underqualified struggling writers. [P6]
• Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson are going into couples therapy, to try and stop the daily screaming matches, sometimes over Lohan's dancing with her "British bad-boy" ex.
• Rosie O'Donnell had the nerve to say the ladies of the View didn't always get along so well, to which Barbara Walters replied, "Some people... have done this show and then for years feel they have to dump on it... I resent it... get on with your lives." That'll teach Rosie to call you divisive! [E!]
• Oprah is going to have THE best televised Kennedy Center Obama party. [ET]
• You're two hours late to your show in Oberhausen, Germany. You run on stage and say WHAT, Kanye West? "I really need some pussy tonight!" [Sun]
• Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson's spawn is a boy called "Bronx Mowgli Wentz," in case you're interested. [People]

Statement: "At some point everyone is gonna find out. So, I guess its time to let the cat is out of the bag. We didn't want to talk about this before we actually heard it because its a once in a lifetime experience. We've announced a couple of guests on the record but "I wish you luck with a capital F" is just one of the thousands of genius ideas thought up by Elvis Costello and he's gonna be singing on Folie a Deux. this isn't a typical appearance as he's alongside the guys in a couple of the decaydance bands on the song. Either way this has been an amazing experience for fall out boy as he is one of our heroes, especially so for patrick. We can't wait for you to have the chance to hear it."

Question: Okay, I don't know much about current music. Nothing, actually. But I've been led to understand over the last few years that Fall Out Boy sucks. Is that not true? Have I been misinformed? It was funny when Costello popped up in Talladega Nights, but this? What shit is this? [AbsolutePunk]

This week's installment also includes: Clint Eastwood, Jerry Seinfeld, Ryan Phillippe, Kirsten Dunst and Justin Long, Farrah Fawcett, James Woods, Dane Cook, John C. Reilly, Lauren Conrad, Ellen Pompeo, P. Diddy (twice in the same night!), Jared Leto, Kevin Federline, Sandra Oh, Seth Green, Balthazar Getty, Pete Wentz, Briam Baumgartner, Zachary Levi, Ciara, Adam "Seymour Butts" Glasser and more.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 21
· Sitting in a booth at the recently re-opened Fab's on Van Nuys Blvd in Sherman Oaks at 8pm, Mr. "Hey, Spike Lee, Shut Your Pie-Hole" himself, CLINT EASTWOOD, speaking in hushed tones while dining with Sinatra's favorite opening comic, Tom Dreesen. I couldn't hear if Clint said to the waiter, "Go ahead, make my Chicken Marsala." Even at 93 [Ed. Note: He's actually only 78], Clint looks like he could kick some serious butt.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 22
· It was celeb night on Friday 8/22 at the AMC theater at the Century City Mall. Spotted PETE WENTZ standing outside with friends. His hair is flat ironed to oblivion and he is short, almost alarmingly so. Kept his hoodie on the whole time. Jessica's pregnant sister was nowhere in sight.

Then, a few minutes later, ELLEN POMPEO (that's Meredith Grey to you) walked by hand-in-hand with her hubby. Super skinny and wearing gross, skin tight white jeans, white shirt with trashy sky high black heels. They were in a rush which made her look like she walks funny because she clearly couldn't handle those heels. We decided she was dressed like a Staten Island prostitute.

We decided to hold out a few more minutes on the hope we would spot an elusive A-lister. And before we knew it, PUFF DADDY walked by sans entourage! He is indeed puffy. Mr. Mogul needs to get back to running marathons for charity. He was wearing sunglasses. At 10:30pm. And he was texting while walking briskly. Who says men can't multi-task?

· Equinox West Hollywood. PUFF DADDY (again!) makes his entourage wait in the juice bar while he grabs a steam.

· JUSTIN LONG and KIRSTEN DUNST were spotted Friday night at the Dragonfly, checking out the show Point Break LIVE! She sat behind him w/ her girlfriends, but Justin kept turning around to talk to her & see her reaction to the craziness onstage.

·Bristol Farms, West Hollywood, 5:30PM (ish). Looking determined to get out and towing a tow-headed child: RYAN PHILLIPPE. Taller than I would have expected, and beefier (but by no means tall). I don't know if he's moved to the neighborhood but the shopping cart was brimming. In case he is, a word of advice: I know it's technically West Hollywood, but the look you should be going for should be more "Daddy out shopping for groceries with my kids on Beverly" and less "Out shopping for a Daddy to buy my groceries on Santa Monica".

SATURDAY, AUGUST 23
· He's not a household name, but with 33 film and 40 television credits, let's just say I was surprised to see SEAN WHALEN selling blenders at the Burbank Costco on Saturday, miked up, dressed in a white lab coat and white paper hat. He usually plays nerds, but now he's extolling the virtues of raw food smoothies. Ouch.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 24
· Sunday night at the Radiohead show. Saw SANDRA OH with several dudes scrambling to get to their seats. She looked flustered, yet excited. Also saw SETH GREEN in line between songs waiting for beers. He was sporting a trucker hat and has a big, shaggy red beard. He looks like he belongs under a bridge waiting for three billy goats gruff.

Lastly, also saw BALTHAZAR GETTY near the beer line between songs, wearing douchey skinny jeans and chomping on cigarettes. Dude looked like he was having way too much fun, like he'd just ditched his wife and kids for a hot chick who likes to bang while only wearing a sailor's hat. Oh, wait...

· As I approached the cool 'n' groovy Santa Monica/Fairfax Whole Foods, I saw two paps outside aiming their lenses into the store. Store security blocked their view. I heard someone say, "She's the one in orange," and then noticed LAUREN CONRAD in a cute orange summer dress, casual hair, grinding her own peanut butter near the bulk grains. No, she did not have an assistant to pour in the peanuts and press the button for her. When I left she was checking out, the paps were lining up, and the Whole Foods security guys, looking vaguely energized, were preparing to escort Ms. Conrad to her vehicle.

MONDAY, AUGUST 25
· Monday night, Radiohead at the Bowl. After briefly encountering JARED LETO (dressed a bit like Shia in Indiana Jones) on the concourse leading a small scuzzy posse around and claiming that he had extra seats, I was surprised to see him all alone in the pool circle up front where I was seated (second row, yo!). Jared apparently ditched his "boys" and tried a bum rush to get up front as the lights went down. Multiple security guards stopped him and he immediately went into "Don't you know who I am?" mode. At first it was high-larious, but then it became a bit pathetic. And then it became a lot pathetic. He just would not give up. It didn't matter. They hauled him away just before the band came out and killed it.

I'd like to believe that Radiohead hates Jared's stupid fucking band and the noise pollution he calls music as much as I and everyone else at the show does, and that they ordered security to remove him from their immediate vicinity, but more than likely Thom Yorke has never heard of 30 (Minutes? Miles? I refuse to google.) to Mars. To Thom, it was probably just another dumb asshole without a ticket getting the boot from the front. Which is exactly what it was.

·Saw JAMES WOODS on 8/25 on Burton Way near Raffles L'Ermitage Beverly Hills. He was on the phone and completely plugged into it. Looks pretty good for a man his age. No sign of his 20 year old girl anywhere.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 26
· Comedy Antichrist DANE COOK was at Crunch. His name was on the marquee at the Laugh Factory across the street, so I'm guessing it was some sort of pre- or post-show routine. If you imagined that he'd work out in a backwards baseball cap and muscle shirt, thereby confirming your image of him as a superannuated, doughy-faced, overgrown frat boy - you'd be correct.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 27
· Two fun (separate) sightings. Saw Kevin (BRAIN BAUMGARTNER) from Scrantonicity (and, yes, The Office); and, Chuck (ZACHARY LEVI), from, well, Chuck at the Studio City Starbucks. Both taking meetings around the corner at the NBC/Universal building? Kevin wearing shorts, Chuck driving a gas-guzzling Chevy Tahoe. Bad choices, boys.

· Eyed R&B sensation/masturbation fantasy CIARA placing a to-go order at the El Pollo Loco on Sunset and Crescent Heights around 4:40pm. Body was insane.

· I was walking back to my office from Rick's Tavern yesterday around 8:35pm going South on Main St when, lo and behold, JERRY SEINFELD was walking the opposite direction. He was with a group of like 3 or 4 friends and looking casual but good. Hoodie and glasses and admiring the motor bikes parked on the street.

· Saw Seymore Butts (born ADAM GLASSER) in the Miracle Mile Marie Callender's today. No cameras, no nudity, no sex acts being performed. But seriously, I saw Seymore Butts!!!

FRIDAY, AUGUST 29
· Walking through the hallways of a building deep in the heart of Toluca Lake around 3:30pm is FARRAH FAWCETT. Farrah raised her head to look me in the eye with a a look that said "Yes I am Farrah Fawcett and don't talk to me" Farrah had heavy duty perfume situation going on that wafted in the hallway well after she left the building. Christie Brinkley is about the same age as her but Farrah looks like she has been through the ringer and had a rough, rough hard drinking, hard partying, heavy tanning life. Use sunscreen, kids. Use Sunscreen.

· Not sure if KEVIN FEDERLINE is a real "sighting" but we saw Father of The Year at Malibu Seafood on Friday. Did not look overly douche-y. Was with a few guys, both whom I recognized but neither that I could place.

· We saw JOHN C. REILLY out in Dublin's (as in, Ireland) posh south side last Friday. We couldn't remember his name right off. We called him "Not-Will-Ferrell". He didn't seem to mind.

[Photo Credit: X17]