Abramson is spending a year writing about having a puppy, which is the type of soothing content that people enjoy in these hectic times (along with porn). Puppy puppy-doo, just how cute are you? The New York Times is here to help you answer that question, valued readers. ***SPOILER ALERT***:

A sick dog is often especially loyal and lovable, and can bring the pack, dog and human, closer together.

This week's tale of dog sickness isn't on the Most Emailed list yet—get to work, slavish "cute" addicts! Click boy, click!
[Related. Pic: Flickr]

John Strong, a kindly man who runs a freak show on Coney Island, offered to buy Lilly and bring her here to the Big Apple, where she could achieve fame and fortune while amazing visitors with her many-leggedness. But then some lady in North Carolina too Lilly in and had her fifth leg removed, under the guise of "helping" her. Yea, helping her grow up to work at the 7-11!

"She'd better keep the dog's leg because she's not going to have a leg to stand on when I get through with her," said Strong, who has eight two-headed turtles and a two-headed cow in his menagerie.

John Strong is not a man to be trifled with. According to the NYT he "shares his bed with a dog named Wally, as well as tiny two-headed turtles that swim in little dishes," which indicates a fantastic aptitude for not rolling over in the middle of the night. He's still fighting to win custody of Lilly. And why not? Would a dog really feel "exploited" by working on Coney Island, which boasts America's highest concentration of hot dogs per square mile? It's a dream come true. Come, Lilly. Here, girl.

[NYT, NYP. Pic: AP]

The 4-foot yellow rat snake, which we will call "Serpent Fang" startled some kids in the apartment. Where it was just kind of sitting there. NYPD responded with overwhelming force:

Police trapped it with a broom and a plastic bag, and it was taken to the Center for Animal Care and Control. Animal control spokesman Richard Gentles says the snake is non-venomous, and in good health.

The the New York Post and the Daily News and the AP and damn near every TV news operation in the city did stories about the trapping of this rat snake, a cold-blooded, flesh-hungry, dead-eyed breed described by experts as "Easy, an ideal beginner's snake. Hardy, tolerant of handling and tractable enough for children."

Just wait until someone spots a stray cat. Those things have claws!
[Pic via]

Reports the New York Post:

Manhattan Housing Court Judge Arlene Hahn dismissed the case Monday, ruling the dog's owners were not properly served in the suit.

"The board is trying to evict a family, and it can't even serve the initial papers correctly," said Michael Schwartz, the lawyer for (the Lyons). "Maybe the board should be put on a leash."

After The Post broke the story in January, the backlash against the TV newswoman was so strong, she was forced to resign from the board.

"After discussions with neighbors and others, [my husband] and I have become increasingly concerned about my personal safety," O'Brien wrote in a Feb. 16 e-mail to the co-op.

We couldn't help but notice that "Ugo" bears a striking resemblance to former CNNer/epic prick Bob Novak. Could there be something deeper at play in O'Brien's hatred for this dog?

Dog Stays By Odor of the Court [New York Post]

CHILLAX BLOGOSPHERE, THE RUMORS ARE TRUE!

PETSWHOWANTTOKILLTHEMSELVES: THE BLOG WILL SOON BE PETSWHOWANTTOKILLTHEMSELVES: THE BOOK. IN A RELATED STORY, LITERATURE IS DEAD.

Admirably self-deprecating! Blogger book conjurer extraordinaire Kate Lee at ICM did the deal, of course, although she's not giving up any more details. Jessica Amason and our own Richard Blakeley are also pitching their own Tumblr-to-tome deal for their celebration of gluttony, This Is Why You're Fat. (And commenter Soup points out two other Tumblr book deals: Garfield Minus Garfield and Postcards From Yo Momma. Note to self: borrow some money from Doree Shafrir.) America has a lot of this to look forward to after it finishes its bacon. [All via future book Pets Who Want to Kill Themselves]:

You can't make Twitter up, people.

This news comes to us from the far-away land of England, and from the far-away time of last week, which does not make it any less newsworthy from a catvertising perspective:

Warner Bros has revealed that it plans to advertise its forthcoming shooter, F.E.A.R. 2: Project Origin, via a clowder of black cats around London on the game's launch day on Friday 13.

Shamelessly branded a ‘cat-vertising campaign', the scheme will see the specially trained black moggies sporting F.E.A.R. 2 cat clothing, and then roaming the streets of London.

Ha! And below we have two more photographs [via Electric Pig] of these black-clad beasts, who doubtless are still roaming the streets of London, never to be captured by their owners again. You cannot train cats and that's all there is to it! Catvertising is awesome.

[via Adrants]

The ashamed, secret straight male audience for cats, meanwhile, appreciate "shots of attractive women, with their pets nestled near or within cleavage," as LA Weekly put it in a profile of Chris Leavins, the man behind the Web show and blog Cute With Chris, which offers all of the above.

We've only watched a few shows but are kind of already in love with the concept. The Weekly writes that Leavins has three purposes:

• "A spit-in-the-wind mission to counter the cultural flood tides of 'cute.'"
• "Wading through the detritus of pet photos that hold almost no inherent interest to anybody but the pets' owners, and then, using interactive storytelling, finding a narrative infused with more universal meaning than the pet owners could ever have intended."
• "Trying to fathom new ways to use performance to connect to people in the 21st century."

Really, though, we just liked reading through his on-camera ridicule, like

“I miss the old Chris, too. The old Chris would have taken this opportunity to rip you a new asshole for writing such a rude e-mail. The old Chris might have looked into the camera [here, he looks directly into the camera] and said, ‘Gee, Lynette, I wish I was as awesome as you.’ The old Chris would have said, ‘Thank you, Lynette, for taking a little time away from your job making meatball subs at a Quiznos [in a] food court in Wisconsin to let me know that I’m not keeping it real.’ I truly value the opinion of a grown woman who lives with six hamsters and an iguana named Dumbledore. The old Chris would have turned to the other camera and said, ‘Get out of my cult, bitch.’

Unfortunately, Lynette, I’m just too exhausted to do that. I have been trying to sell out for weeks, and let me tell you something, selling out is a lot of work and frankly not very profitable. That’s why I’m not going to say those terrible things about you that I just said. About you. Which are true. You ungrateful whore.

Let’s look at kittens!

And

“I’m only doing this as inspiration to the thousands of women like Deborah, single ladies in their 30s, with three or more cats, who watch Cute With Chris. Don’t give up on your dreams. Throw away your clogs, and believe that somewhere in the space between your 11 cats and your six litter boxes and the 39 squeaky toys on your bed, there is room for a man in your life. Unless you want to turn lesbian, which I would totally recommend. I mean, wouldn’t it be easier just to date another crazy cat lady?”

And

“Thanks for your letter, Madison. Yes, jugs are for juice, and also, lotion does make one slippery. But every parent has the right to decide what their child can or cannot watch, and you need to respect your mother’s decision. However, the flag button on YouTube is meant to protect people from graphic depictions of sex, violence or hate speech. It’s not meant to protect people from plastic horses. In any case, Madison, I think we’ve all learned something from this experience. We’ve learned that when you say innocent things like “jugs” or “Ride me, I’m a horse,” your mother’s mind goes to some very weird places. [Brief pause.] Hey, mama!”

Sample episode above. [Via Fishbowl LA]

O'Brien is secretary of her co-op board, so she signed the notice terminating the lease of a family that has lived in her building for five years, the last couple of them with their dog, Ugo, who O'Brien finds distasteful. Writes the Post:

O'Brien, in a 20-page affidavit, complained about the pooch's "size, slobbering, shedding, drooling, gassiness and odors."

Also, the cable-news correspondent supposedly got in the face of one of the dog's owners, saying, "What's the matter? Aren't you talking to me?"

Pets are allowed in the building, but apparently everyone hates Ugo, even though he goes to a pet-grooming salon three times per month.

It should be noted that O'Brien recently crossed Fox News Channel, and Fox and Post owner Rupert Murdoch is always (by his own admission) sending the Post out to settle scores. Then again, a TV reporter like O'Brien should know better than to get on the wrong side of a cute animal story.

Here's what Page Six reported in June 2007:

Shelby Segall, whose yard borders Hilton's, tells The Post's Marianne Garvey:

"She treats her animals horribly. They are always getting out and running around the neighborhood. She had a little orange kitty about a year ago that kept getting out and we kept telling her it was outside. She didn't seem like she cared, and then one day the cat got run over in the middle of the street and died. Not long after, little [Chihuahua] Tinkerbell came to my door and I left a note on her gate. Her assistant came over frantic and tried to offer me a $40 reward. I said, 'Don't insult me.' "

Another neighbor said, "I found two little Chihuahuas of hers running up and down the street with cars and people going up and down. I put them in my bathroom and called Paris. Her assistant answered and said, 'You can't drop them off! Miss Hilton isn't home!' She took three hours to come get them.

When Page Six is able to back up its salacious gossip with an honest-to-god named source, that's a pretty good sign something real is happening.

Of course, nothing will ever be proven, because the timid poodles at LA animal control can't even get into Hilton's house to get a count of the animals. Someone in authority: Step up and stop the churning animal chaos!

[X17 via Post]

(Photo: X17)

The Silver Lake and Echo Park area was slammed with flyers this weekend showing this dog, pictured above. And if flyers were not enough, two billboards, back-to-back, at Sunset and Alvarado featured the cute dog asking anyone who has seen it or has found it to contact the owner. ... One of the flyers read:

"Her Name is Hedkayce. I have had her for 10 years. She weighs 10lbs and has a scar on the left side of her face. She was left in the front yard of my home at 1809 Apex Ave. (Silverlake [sic] area). Please call at 213-923-7493 (cell) or my assistant Maria at 213-923-0616. ~ Dov Charney"

Or stay gone, HedKayce, and maybe George Lopez will voice you in the upcoming movie of the week. Either way, you're set.

• Dov Charney's Lost Dog [LAist]

Find more videos like this on AdGabber

[via Adrants]

What is your idea of perfect happiness?
My idea of perfect happiness is a healthy family, peace between nations, and all the critics die. ...

If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be? If I were to die and come back as a person or thing, it would be a person. ...

What is your most treasured possession?
My most treasured possession is the urn containing the ashes of my dog Fluff. There is not much difference between contemplating the urn and looking at my current dog, asleep on the couch. But I do not have to walk the urn.

"I have tried to walk the urn, but its stout belly forbids it," Mamet reportedly wrote in an early draft of his questionnaire replies. "Fluff's still heart rejects pills, prods or fists. The urn is blind to me. The urn is blind to mercy. My couch dog's hind legs twitch, knowing that ashen end. Fuck that ashen end. Fuck that urn. Fluff got ugly, and ugly got Fluff. Arf. Huff. Harrumph."

• Proust Questionnaire: David Mamet [Vanity Fair]

"What I tell every single owner is that the key to rehab and longevity is the right kind of exercise," the founder of a wellness and weight loss clinic for dogs, Jessica Waldman, said. "The wrong kind of exercise is uncontrolled play."

Fetching and frolicking — that kind of uncontrolled play? Isn't that exactly what most dogs need more of? "Oh no. No, no," Ms. Waldman, a vet, said. She has her canine clients running obstacle courses and jogging on an underwater treadmill. And then there's pooch Pilates — formerly known as "begging."

"When you teach a dog to beg, meaning you ask them to sit up, that's core abdominals," Ms. Waldman said. To further strengthen and tone, "We teach them how to go into sort of a 'down dog,' where their head is down toward the ground but their rear legs are up high."

Hopefully, she will be eaten by hungry dogs. Below is a video news release for Slentrol featuring one chubby pooch. Better diet idea: feed your dog less crap.