Due to the summer’s “right combination” of heat and drought coupled with July and August rainfall, Oklahoma residents are facing a major cricket infestation. The bugs, according to Oklahoma City resident Steve Swanson, are “everywhere. Literally everywhere.” And due to the cricket’s “tendency toward cannibalism,”…

Bubonic plague! Gay cancer! Autistic children! Chocolate milk! Head injuries! Newborn risk! Fat war! Sex aneurysm! And the very latest semen information! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—to keep from crying!

Now we know why Miami's airport evacuated last night: Something suspicious was found in the suitcase of a man previously jailed for smuggling the plague. Meet Dr. Thomas Butler, a white guy from Texas who works in Saudi Arabia.

A Dallas man has been sentenced to 35 years in prison for spitting at a cop. He was charged with assault with a deadly weapon, because he's HIV-positive. So his spit is made of death!!! Except, uh... we were taught many years ago that much as you can't get pregnant from oral sex, you can't actually get the AIDS from…