Remember a month ago when New York City—specifically: actor Jude Law—was rocked by a sudden bee attack as inexplicable as it was horrific?

God's righteous anger against America's wanton and sinful adoption of gay marriage and predilection towards consuming Cheez on the Sabbath hath caused him to strike us with plagues like lice, bedbugs, raccoons, and skunks. Still, our licentious nation persists in viewing "PG-13" movies and huffing jenkem. Well now,…

Of the ongoing battle against the stubborn head lice infestation at Indiana's Huntington University, one campus official says, "We feel like we're turning a good corner here."

There is no hope. Discouraged and terrified scientists now tell us that the modern urban bedbug has spent the last decade drinking in our best poisons while emitting tiny cackles, growing stronger and stronger and stronger and scarier.

The bloodsucking numbers are in: bedbug complaints from NYC residents rose about 7% last year, to nearly 5,000. The forecast for 2011: "Each year it's always a little worse." Well, there are worse problems for cities to have. [WSJ]

To the list of surprisingly highbrow NYC places with bedbugs, you can add Lincoln Center. The creatures have been spotted in the David Koch Theater. Borne in on hems of trollops' gowns, borne out soon enough to gallop about town.

One heroic, honest—too honest Barron's staffer announced that he had bedbugs in his apartment building. Now the entire Wall Street Journal headquarters are on edge. Fearmongering company email, below.

Global warming is always getting a bad rap. Sure, entire nations are drowning in rising sea levels and whatnot, but there's some good news: The number of bubonic plague cases in the U.S. is dropping thanks to... global warming.

Beleaguered New York City residents, already on the lookout for bedbugs and raccoons, must now beware of skunks, which wander boldly through uptown Manhattan, daring you to make one false move. What next, alligators? We're hoping for alligators. [NYT; Pic]

South African scientists gave bedbugs blood containing the virus that causes AIDS and the virus died, confirming the insects are practically indestructible. Why can't we reverse bio-engineer that process and cure AIDS? It would make all that scratching worth it!

Just as bedbugs have taken over our internet, our media, our tourist attractions, and our movie theaters, we get a new pest to deal with: raccoons. Yes, raccoons, where you live. Christ. What infernal vexations must we fight off next?

A CNN employee has just forwarded us an alarming email that she and her colleagues received informing them that bedbugs have infested the Time Warner Center. Will they bring down America's largest media company, from the inside? Yes. Memo below!

It's disturbing when a tough economy and lack of post-college employment prospects lead America's young people (our greatest asset, next to nuclear weapons) down the wrong road. The road to church. Why won't god stop this madness?

We've long feared it, and now the national news media is confirming it. Bedbugs truly are going to be the modern-day plague that o'erwhelms us all. National infestations are growing rapidly and you know who's to blame? The children.

The Way We Live Now: Besieged. New York City is crumbling into bloody class wars in the street, if selective anecdotes are any indication. Crime will follow you to your hotel! And, locusts! One day: