Gwyneth Paltrow diagnoses her haters. Tareq Salahi strips down. Black Swan gets a little bit real-life crazy. Amanda Seyfried buys a dead horse. Saturday gossip is—as always—projecting.

Levi Johnston says he missed on-again-off-again girlfriend Bristol Palin's debut on Dancing with the Stars because he was "too busy studying politics" for his upcoming mayoral run. If he's studying like he prepared for his Playgirl shoot, he's doomed.

America's favorite babydaddy Levi Johnston, who's running for mayor of Wasilla, caressed a $2,000 rifle during his first campaign stop. Naturally, it was at a gun shop and a camera crew was involved. This doesn't make up for Playgirl.

Following our post about a Steven Slater impersonator crashing a Playgirl honcho's party, fake Steven Slater emailed us—and impugned everyone else's stories. "I never set out to impersonate him—I just happen to look the way I do!"

Page Six reports folk hero Steven Slater attended a Playgirl honcho's bacchanalia this weekend. One problem: The guy in their picture isn't Steven Slater, who spent his weekend listening to Barry Manilow in Atlantic City. How to tell them apart.

When Larry King's eighth divorce became public knowledge, we quickly found out that Larry was in love with his wife's sister and his wife was diddling their kids' baseball coach. Now that coach wants to cash in by baring all.

St. Naomi uses her money to buy her way into heaven. Jon Gosselin has a small wang, The McSteamy's have a baby, Lindsay Lohan is doomed, and Angelina banged Mick Jagger. For Friday's gossip, you're stuck with me.

Remember when Sarah Palin went on Oprah and scoffed at Levi Johnston for getting paid for "pornography?" Well now she wants a piece of the action. The Palins have subpoenaed Playgirl for Levi's check stub.

The moment all of you (with Hunky Alaskan Man-Game Fetishes) have been waiting for is here: Levi Johnston's Playgirl Cover. Remember where you are right now, so you can tell your kids, or something. Here, I've made it pretty.

Today, New York Post gossip dowager Cindy Adams (of all people) had a very important question to ask about Levi Johnston: "What happened?" We haven't heard from him in months. Where did he go? Is this exile or punishment?

The Situation's yearbook photo (sent in by a reader) is even more hysterical than the laughably bad pictures of him in his male stripper days. We may get better, nakeder pictures of one of his castmates mighty soon. Guess who...

Page Six report, via Popeater, that Playgirl may have made a loss on the not-quite-naked Levi Johnston photoshoot .

The man who lent Levi his hockey gear for the big day is selling off the pads, pants, gloves and — so you can make jokes — the stick and helmet on eBay.

Just like Perez Hilton, we heard that one of Tiger's mistresses was trying to sell naked pictures of him to Playgirl. Don't start salivating just yet (gay) boys and girls.

Here's your first peek at the Levi Johnston photo spread that just went up on Playgirl.com [NSFW]. There's 20 photos in all and, as we said none show the whole package, so to speak. One more picture inside.

We can't see much, but this teaser that just went up on Playgirl.com [NSFW], shows that he's in the shower. Since he's not getting naked, does that mean he's wearing wet undies? Also, black and white doesn't always equal arty.

There is no wang. We repeat, there is no wang! Playgirl's seen the results of last week's photo shoot, and while there may be glimpses of Levi Johnston's baby maker, there is no full-frontal shot. Let the blame game begin!

Levi Johnston is coming. Not to dinner with Sarah Palin, but to the pages of Playgirl. The pictures have now been taken, and a detail-laden missive from the Dr. Frankenstein of Playgirl, Daniel Nardicio, has been whipped out for us.

Sarah Palin may have invited her daughter's babydaddy to Thanksgiving dinner, but the future Playgirl centerfold will not be passing the yams with the Palins. He turned down her offer, saying she's "full of it."