Pepsi One Won't Give You Cancer as Long as You Don't Drink a Whole Can
For those niche purists who find the tasty Martian flavor of Diet Pepsi somehow off-putting, there is Pepsi One—a different, more poisonous diet soda flavor.
"Natural" Diet Supplements Full of All Types of Crazy Speed
If there's anything Americans enjoy almost as much as gobbling fried foods topped with Cheez, it's gobbling menacingly-named "diet supplements" in a desperate attempt to lose weight. Today, more evidence that Who Knows What The Hell Is Even In That Crap?
The Backstory of the Ricin Letter Sent To Obama Is Absolutely Cuckoo
Last spring, after a ricin-tainted letter was sent to President Obama, the FBI arrested Paul Kevin Curtis, an Elvis impersonator and Prince super-fan from Mississippi, on suspicion of mailing the poison correspondence. But then a week later, charges against Curtis were dropped and soon another Mississippi musician was…
Just a little bit of extra sugar doubles the death rate for female mice. “Sugar is a poison by itself when consumed at high doses.”
Hot Pockets is "reinventing" its brand to emphasize the "quality of the ingredients." As you laugh about that, consider the fact that consumers bought $640 million worth of Hot Pockets in the past year.
The FBI has reportedly arrested a 37-year-old suspect in a Spokane ricin letter scare, not to be confused with last month's Ricin letter scare in Mississippi. Everyone stop putting ricin on letters, please.
Poisonous Ricin Found in Letter Addressed to Obama
A letter addressed to President Obama that was intercepted after a "suspicious substance" was detected has tested positive for ricin, the same substance found on a letter to Mississippi Senator Roger Wicker yesterday, the Dow Jones news wire is reporting.
A letter to Sen. Roger Wicker has tested positive for ricin, a poison known for its association with false positives.
Middle-School Teacher Who Was Being Poisoned by Her Students: 'A Lot of Them Aren't Too Keen on Math'
A middle-school teacher in Virginia says she had no clue she was being slowly poisoned with hand sanitizer that was being surreptitiously added to her tea by two of her students, but says she has been feeling ill for some time.
Axe Body Spray Has Same Effect as Nerve Gas
Pennsylvania. The very name conjures up powerful scent-memories of desultory juvenile delinquents soaked in the stench of cheap wine and cheaper cologne. At long last, the issue has come to a head:
Attention, Gourmands: Taco Bell Is Upscale Now
Hey guys, diners, everybody gather 'round please: change of plans for lunch today, and every day. Chipotle is OUT. Taco Bell's new "Cantina" menu is in. Because Taco Bell now has high quality upscale foohahahaha sorry, wait, hahahaha, wait. Sorry. I really tried to keep a straight face there.
Mysterious Death by Poisoning Haunts The Amazing Race
Strange murmurs from the world of reality television: Two "freelance facilitating producers" were apparently poisoned "after a failed shakedown attempt" in central Africa, Fox News reports. Veteran Amazing Race and Whale Wars producer Jeff Rice died; his body was found in Uganda. Though "details are sketchy," Fox News…
Chinese Billionaire Killed by Poisoned Cat Meat Stew
A billionaire tycoon from China named Long Liyuan died suddenly and mysteriously two days before Christmas. The only clue: a still-steaming bowl of half-eaten cat stew. Could it be? No, it's simply too easy, too dastardly, altogether too meowtrageous! But it's true: The cat stew was poisoned!
Poison Liquor Kills Insane Number of People in India
One hundred and forty three—can that possibly be right?—yes, one hundred and forty three people have died so far in one town in India from drinking a batch of bootleg liquor this week. Police say the liquor was spiked with methanol to "boost its kick." That has the side effect of killing you. The AP reports:
You Will Soon Collapse in a Heap
Metal hips! NYC smoking! Laughter medicine! Milk drinking! Teen vaccine! Child poison! Arnica healing! China babies! And smooth, smooth magnetic kiddie weirdos! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while we must be trippin!
Horrible Rat Maims Predators With Poison Hair
Do you see this rat, in the picture above? This is the "African crested" or "maned" rat. Do not eat this rat. Its hair is poisonous.
Synthetic Frankenfood Oil Not a Diet Miracle After All
Orrin nutrition! Vitamin ratings! Blackwell jetski! Olean o-fat! Loyalty benefits! Poison competition! Bulgarian method! Supreme diabetes! And MMA workout secrets of the stars! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—from the sidelines!
Man Poisoned By First Wife Finds Better Wife at the Hospital
Tragically lucky British man Lee Knight's first wife tried to kill him by putting antifreeze in his curry. Knight's soon-to-be second wife took care of him after the poisoning. It's karma in action, with a dash of trading up!
China So Mad It Can't Smoke on the Bus Any More
Eye disease! Springtime anorexia! Food pathogens! Coca-Cola chemicals! Chinese smoking! Tall blood clots! Botox lawsuits! Teen drinking! And legal stem cell research, yeah! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while smoking!
Bureaucrats Are Coming to Steal Your Leftover Pills
Pediatric socialists! E-cigarette regulation! Prostate testosterone! Antidepressant painkillers! Obese teens! Prescription take-backs! Young strokes! Natural allergies! And amazing acupuncture in Afghanistan! It's your Monday Health Watch, where we watch your health—with no regulation whatsoever!
