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your new bicycle
Barack Obama Has Visited ALLLL the States
Barack Obama is exhausted. He's been campaigning his little heart out for something like 150 years now, in a bitter fight against a gorgon and a Calydonian Boar. So naturally he's going to occasionally say some things that make absolutely no sense, like announcing that he's campaigned in "57 states." He has one or two left to go. But his campaign won't let him go to Alaska or Hawaii, our 58th and 72nd states. [via BuzzFeed]
smoking
Menthol Cigarettes Are Not 'Flavored,' Says Dr. Kool Newport
How popular are menthol cigarettes? Popular enough to reverse logic. The government is set to pass a bill that will ban "flavored" cigarettes, but menthols will be excluded. Because menthol, of course, is not a flavor. What menthol is is close to $20 billion in sales for the tobacco industry. As well as an important part of African-American culture! Tobacco companies advertise menthol brands disproportionately to minority communities, and it obviously works, although nobody really knows why. What we do know is that this bill is perfect—it protects my precious Kools, while saving America from the strawberry menace: More »
punditry
'Times' Shocked That Rove Succeeds on TV Despite Hideous Appearance
Another story about how Karl Rove is a surprisingly adept television pundit. Wow! Everyone is shocked that Rove doesn't spit blood and cackle maniacally and speak in tongues when asked to opine in Hillary Clinton's political future! At least this one mentions conflicts of interest and how some nutcases view the increasingly fuzzy divide between 'journalism' and 'paid political consulting' as worrisome (or at least they did a decade ago when the Clintonites first made the leap). Still, there's this: "As an on-camera presence, Mr. Rove is not necessarily a natural. Neither his doughy chin nor his ashen complexion would be confused with those of, say, Brian Williams of NBC News." We can't all be as pretty as BriWi. [NYT]
grand theft auto
Moralists Decry Video Game Without Playing It
The Parents Television Council—the shrill right-wing arbiter of entertainment morality last seen reprimanding companies for associating with rappers—is now busy condemning the brilliant, violent, and controversial new video game Grand Theft Auto IV. Unfortunately for the forces of purity, the Council decided to do its condemning primarily by making things up: More »
ringtones
Is Your Ringtone Annoying Enough? No? Replace it With Hillary Clinton!
Do you hate everyone around you? If so, you may wish to download one of Slate's political ringtones. No, seriously. This is what they're doing. Ringtones made of soundbytes taken from the never-ending 2008 primary elections. Like Hillary's odd laugh, John McCain calling someone a jerk, and "Yes We Can!" If you download these to your phone, you will get beaten up. But! They forgot a couple! Like, all the good ones, basically. Allow us: More »
pet projects
Alec Baldwin Would Like to Run For Something
So Alec Baldwin would like run for office some day, maybe. Possibly soon! After all, he's almost 50. And 50 is when you are allowed to "run the world," he says. "There's no age limit on running for office, to a degree. [It is] something I might do one day," the amusingly intense actor tells 60 Minutes this Sunday. Ha ha ha let's all laugh at him! He'll never win any elections, because of how insane he is and how we all know terrible things about his family and his life and his temper and how he yelled at his daughter that one time. But hey, the actual reason he'll never win an election has nothing to do with his sordid past. It's his unrepentant liberalism. Because California will happily elect drug-abusing unqualified actors with histories of gross sexual misconduct and harassment governor, as long as they're business-friendly Republicans. Seriously, Baldwin's past is way less gross than Schwarzenegger's, plus he's never done anything as embarrassing as this. [CBS]
clips
John McCain Has Heard of 'The Office'
John McCain's primary qualifications for the presidency are that he's old, he was tortured, and he's been a corrupt Senator for hundreds of years. Also he'd like you to know that he has a sense of humor, which is why he's The Daily Show's most-invited guest ever. On the show last night, McCain once again demonstrated how "hip" and "with it" he is by naming a character on a popular sitcom. One that is currently on-air, even! Not, like, Maynard G. Krebs or something. Jon Stewart desperately tried to get him to appear more presidential by making a joke he knew McCain wouldn't play along with.
anger
Harvey Weinstein Threatens to Destroy Democratic Party Unless His Gal Hil Wins
Hollywood strongman Harvey Weinstein is a big supporter of Hillary Clinton, because they share a similar megalomania. Weinstein, who throws a great deal of showbiz money at Democrats and who is known for his Hulk-esque temper, reportedly called up House Speaker Nancy Pelosi last month to threaten her unless the Dems handed his gal Hillary the nomination. Weinstein said he'd cut of all money to Dem congressional campaigns unless Pelosi backed the Clinton campaign's unfeasible plan to get the Dems to pay for brand new elections in Florida and Michigan. Weinsein has denied it all. Or at least he denied that it was a "threat." He owns up to calling Pelosi and "offering" "to put together a team of people to help finance a revote in Florida and Michigan." Then he threatened to eat the officials who leaked details of the call. Weinsein's owned up to a bad temper before, once telling Ken Auletta that it's the thing he dislikes most about himself. In fact, Weinstein's temper makes Weinstein so angry he feels like he's going to explode. An Entourage clip exploring this famous bad mood in a comedic style may be found after the jump. More »
drugs
Funny YouTube Videos May Get Salvia Banned
Salvia: the legal drug that really works. Unlike most of the herbal fake-weed concoctions sold in the back pages of High Times, salvia is actually a powerful drug. As anyone who took one too many hits can attest. Now, New York state lawmakers are moving to ban salvia, with penalties of up to three months in jail for possession, and a year for distribution. And crazy kids have no one to blame but themselves; the state senator who proposed the ban "said he was convinced that the drug should be banned after he and his aides watched YouTube videos of people smoking salvia and having psychedelic experiences." Not so funny now, is it? Okay, it's still funny. The videos in question—which we've helpfully posted after the jump—mostly prove that salvia makes people do one thing very well: fall down. More »
politics
The 12 Internet Memes That Took Obama To The Nomination
Barack Obama is like Kermit the Frog: Someone else may be your personal favorite, but he's the one that gets the most attention, so he's the one who ends up in all the parodies. Obama can be mashed up with any meme, because anyone can assign him any qualities: like Kermit, his everyman status makes him ripe for satire. To demonstrate, in no particular order but numbered anyway, here are the top twelve memes that have carried Obama to the nomination. More »
magazines
"I'm not saying I'm depending on Maxim to keep me alive over there, but it helps."
Soldiers are fighting back against a government attempt to take their men's magazines away! Stars and Stripes talked to a bunch of our military men at a base in Germany, and they voiced universal opposition to a proposed bill to ban "sexually explicit" magazines—including Playboy, Penthouse, Maxim, FHM, and the like—from Army bases. They're good for morale, the soldiers say. And besides (everybody together now), they read them for the articles! More »
death race 2000
Now What? (Hint: More of the Same)
For some reason, CBS called Indiana for Hillary Clinton at 8 p.m. or so last night, hours before anyone else dared. Katie Couric interrupted whatever nonsense they had on at the time and the CBS news website dutifully posted their story. They even got a Drudge link! So there's a lesson for you: better to be first than right. Maybe as a network without a cable news station CBS just decided to let their election coverage team go home early? Because everyone else had to stay up until 1 a.m., when the hanky panky in Lake County, Indiana finally ended and Clinton won her tiny, tiny victory. A tiny vicory that was immediately stomped upon by everyone from Drudge to Tim Russert. It's over, all the pundits said. You can go to bed! But America can't go to bed, because Hil's still staying up for that 3 a.m. call. The death march continues! More »
cheap shots
The Predictions Game, With Famous Blogger Mickey Kaus
[Monday]"Obama by double digits" in N.C.: Predicted by a blogger using a sophisticated model that ignores ... what's been happening in the campaign. Like Rev. Wright. I predict this person is wrong! ... Update: He was right. ... [via Insta] 9:27 P.M.More »
bright ideas
"Seeking A Candidate? Vote For A Journalist"
The headline of this post is also the actual headline of a story in the New York Sun today. We didn't even change it, because it was already funny! The peppy little broadsheet reasons that since London just elected an ex-journalist as mayor, hey, why not here? And the neocon paper rounds up the very cream of the city's third-tier columnist crop to explain why such a feat be might hard for a member of the embittered, self-important writing class to pull off: because columnists "have too much integrity." More »
megalomaniacs
Hillary Clinton squeaked by with 23,000 votes in Indiana. The Democratic presidential candidate ran out of money. Supposedly she has canceled public appearances the next few days. Matt Drudge and Tim Russert say it's over. Who is still standing behind Clinton, chanting "Yes she can?" Crazy dead-ender cult people like the ones in the picture above, with goddamned stickers on their foreheads. After the jump, Gawker videographer Richard Blakeley (who spotted the stickers) imagines the conversation that led to this awful visual:
More »
Suicide Cult Phase Reached By Clinton Campaign
Hillary Clinton squeaked by with 23,000 votes in Indiana. The Democratic presidential candidate ran out of money. Supposedly she has canceled public appearances the next few days. Matt Drudge and Tim Russert say it's over. Who is still standing behind Clinton, chanting "Yes she can?" Crazy dead-ender cult people like the ones in the picture above, with goddamned stickers on their foreheads. After the jump, Gawker videographer Richard Blakeley (who spotted the stickers) imagines the conversation that led to this awful visual:
More »
they do not move
'Times' Political Reporter Kit Seelye Admits Entire Campaign is Elaborate, Never-Ending Farce
"Finally, the pre-announced location of each candidate's 'victory' party tonight is telling: Mrs. Clinton will be in Indianapolis, Mr. Obama in Raleigh. That gives you a good idea of what each camp expects—and that tonight's results may be something of a wash. So don't be surprised to see everything start all over again tomorrow." [NYT]
mavericks
